It has taken me a long time to accept our situation. At various times I have wondered whether my wife simply didn't love me any more, or whether my behaviour earlier in our relationship somehow caused damage between us that could never be repaired. I wondered if perhaps I hadn't been a good enough husband, but was at a loss to know what I could have done differently.
There was a time when she asked me for a divorce and I begged her not to go ahead, as well as asking her why she wanted it, and again, she was unable to give a specific reason, other than that our relationship was not working. This was when our children were pre-school, and I could only see a bleak future for us all if we had parted. Over time, our relationship improved, and she didn't raise the subject of divorce again, but I always felt a sense of unease, that perhaps she would.
I'd dearly like to know what went wrong, but I don't think there was one thing, though I'm sure that my desire for sex and her loss of libido was a major factor for some time. It distresses me now to think that she dreaded the touch of my hand or any other physical approach, fearing that it was a sexual overture, such that she couldn't respond without worrying that I'd try to pressure her for sex. If I have learned one thing from visiting sites like this, it's that our situation is not unusual and that the loss of libido by either partner is quite common, but the reasons are often unclear and can be very complex.
I heard a radio broadcast recently, about the condition some women supposedly suffer, known as hypoactive sexual desire disorder, a condition characterised by chronic loss of libido. There was discussion about licensing the 'pink pill' aka viagra for women, but the conclusion was that even if it wa effective (which was in doubt) a pill would not solve the problem of lack of desire, just as viagra would not increase a man's libido, but only deal with the physical problem of erectile disfunction.
I am coming to the conclusion that a loss of libido is something that just happens to some people, either suddenly, as with some women after the birth of a child, for example, or gradually over time, with no obvious single trigger. After all, we lose interest in other things over time, so why should this not be the case with sex? The real problem with this is that it causes such a rift between partners when their drives become mismatched.
I certainly felt resentful that one of the great joys in my life had been taken away, with no obvious reason, and frustrated that this problem would probably never be solved. But I no longer feel resentful towards my wife, as I now don't think that this was her choice, but just something that happened to her. While, on the one hand, I feel trapped in a situation that has no solution, I have accepted that it's one factor in an otherwise good relationship that I am not prepared to abandon.