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Original poster

The sheer tedium of being in a sexless marriage

111 replies

nosexisnofun · 02/11/2015 15:00

By sexless I mean we might sleep together once roughly every 6 weeks, normally initiated by me. H shows me little affection and rarely puts his arms around me in bed - he is all elbows while I have my arm around him. Except why should I carry on being the one to extend a hand to him which he will only occasionally squeeze or hold?

He is older than me and very tired through work but it has been like this for a long time. Do I have to accept that my "physical love life" is more or less over at 46 Sad?

Leaving over this would be worse as we have dc, but honestly the sheer tedium of never flirting with anybody as am probably viewed as "too old" when out and about, is getting to me. I feel asexual! Help!

Anyway just wondering if anyone relates.

OP posts:
MushroomMama · 07/11/2015 11:31

I think what's stopping me is that I still am head over in heels in love with him. I still fancy the pants off him too! It's hard being rejected because you feel like your feelings are not valid.

I'm working on myself now trying to loose my mum tum and socialising with friends more. I guess forging my own life separate from my marriage.

Sending lots of WineCake to everyone on this thread struggling with things right now

DadWasHere · 07/11/2015 11:55

Well, I'm now up for a FWB - not actively looking.

Not as simple/safe as you think. Most people, male or female, stuck in these kinds of situations just want to be/feel desired by the one they love or are otherwise tied/married to. They can go looking for an affair 'for their body' but many who do find their heart cant help but follow. The awful extent of what they tried to deal with for years, lack of intimacy/sexual starvation, is thrown into an even more brutal and shocking focus because they had numbed themselves from realising its full impact on them.

Topsy44 · 07/11/2015 14:20

My DH had a porn addiction and it totally destroyed any intimacy in our marriage. I was unaware of it and just couldn't work out why he didn't really seem to be interested in having sex with me.

Just throwing it out there in case it could be a possibility.

Sophie2222 · 07/11/2015 15:40

This is awful! You cannot go on like this. At 46 you are so young, believe me. You should be having sexual relations several times a week, never mind once in five weeks! Unbelievable! A man who shows you hardly any affection? Believe me you deserve much, much, much better.
You have your life ahead of you. And a life-time of great affection, and great sex. It gets better and better as life goes on, believe me, and why should you miss out on that? Come on, end this nonsense, and find someone who truly loves you, wants you, and fulfils you, and makes you happy. You have suffered enough!.....

HappyHopefulStrongerAlone · 07/11/2015 16:56

I think that some of the pps are right: not everyone can or does enjoy sex throughout their life. Some lose interest. Nothing to do with hormones, just the way it is. Maybe it's the nature of long term coupling for some.

The problem is when the lack of libido is not discussed honestly. And choices looked at together.

Generally I think that the partner not wanting sex should allow the sexual partner to fulfill that aspect outside of the marriage. Or end the marriage.

There is however no guarantee that you will find everything you value and love with your current partner within a new relationship. And that's if you actually are able to find a relationship at all.

Terrifiedandregretful · 07/11/2015 17:10

I'm so torn by all this. I'm in a totally sexless relationship (two years and counting). We are in the process of splitting up, but I am so tempted to turn it all around because he makes me so happy in every other way. I see friends with husbands who never do a jot of childcare or housework and are generally selfish arses, I'd much rather compromise on sex than that. I know in an ideal world I'd get a combination of sex and brilliant dad/ partner etc, but I've never come across that person and I'm not sure that person exists for everyone.

Justaboy · 07/11/2015 17:44

JOOI Has anyone female here ever thought to try that new Addyi pill that's supposed to improve sexual desire?.

If that is really the root problem as i find it difficult to separate sex from affection. That's the real grief.

Terrifiedandregretful that's a very sad situation your in. Perhaps it is for the best you may well find someone else who is the good bloke who keeps you warm at night:)

Can you say was he always like that it or did it wane over time?.

bluerskiesbrighterday · 07/11/2015 18:57

It is so sad reading all this and seeing so many of us are in this situation.
I was thinking earlier about how lack of sex is one thing but lack of any affection quite another.

oswellkettleblack · 07/11/2015 20:25

.

oswellkettleblack · 07/11/2015 20:36

I'm another in a sexless marriage. Sex was never good as my spouse had little experience and no interest at all in learning or doing anything different and it was always over in a minute or two. No affection afterwards, no cuddling. We got married because we wanted children. So we did and then we had a traumatic event. My husband is a good person, but really let me down after and during the event but is not capable of comprehending it so I went completely off sex. There is no way I can or will leave. He doesn't care. Nor do I. Haven't had sex in over 2years. There's been no real afection in my life for 15 years. This isjust how it is for me and I accept it. I try to find other ways to be happy. I'm in my 40s.

aprilanne · 07/11/2015 20:51

i feel for you i am 45 hubby 48 .we have not had sex in 2 years .hubbys medication makes it impossible.but i always think well he has other good qualities and i suppose the fact he is ill means i would not leave for that reason .but if your hubby not ill .and it is bothering you maybe you need to think about the future .

Gabby99 · 07/11/2015 21:46

Another poster living in a sexless marriage. I miss the sex but I miss the affection, emotional intimacy and connection so much more. Just checked my DH's internet history today ... lots of porn site hits. This makes me so sad. I am lying in bed desperate for physical touch yet he is downstairs getting his rocks off to porn Sad

Justaboy · 07/11/2015 22:01

Gabby99 Poor you:( I just can't understand this obsession with porn, yes of course I've looked but its all so false there's sod all that's erotic in any way. Just don't know why people get so taken with it. Might be me getting older, single divorced early sixties, but seems to me seen one, seen 'em all:(

aprilanne Nothing they can give him to counteract that med is there such as blood pressure meds and anti depressants and quite a few other drugs can cause ED if that the case, but surely there some things you can do to express affection which is really the important thing?.

Gabby99 · 07/11/2015 22:10

I actually wouldn't have a problem with him watching porn if he was willing to invest in a sex life with me! I understand men are visual and porn is so easily accessible, but to choose it over sex with your partner ? I don't get that. Its loss tbh - I won't be putting up with it for much longer.

Gabby99 · 07/11/2015 22:16

It's his loss ...

roundaboutthetown · 07/11/2015 22:20

I couldn't cope with a lack of physical affection (eg hugging, kissing, hand holding, lying close to each other, telling the other person you love them), but could cope without sex. Not even getting much physical affection from your dh sounds miserable.

insameboattoo · 07/11/2015 22:21

Name changed for this but my marriage is similar, age 48 and we rarely have sex. I get sick of initiating it and he knows it is a problem. We still hug and kiss. I'm not that bothered at times as I do my own thing and own interests etc. Perhaps it is normal and our society is obsessed by sex?

oswellkettleblack · 07/11/2015 23:21

roundaboutthetown you get used to it. I have. I would probably find it strange to be touched by anyone now, I mean besides our kids and stuff. My husband was never very affectionate anyway, didn't want to tongue kiss or oral sex ever and now it has been so long I don't want it anymore. I'd have to seek it out also and I just can't be bothered. I made my bed now I have to lie in it I can't break up teh family just for shagging. I'm contented as much as I will be. We can't have it all in life.

oswellkettleblack · 07/11/2015 23:24

and no he does not have a porn addiction. Oh well I did what I did I wanted to have children and time was running out and he wanted them too. Now they are here and life went tits up and this is the result. Gotta keep chuntering along. He's a good man doesn't drink or watch porn or waste money or anything like that. It's like he is a child in a lot of ways and we are on different levels soulwise in other ways but we are good companions and there is a lot to be said for htat.

ForFlipSakes · 08/11/2015 06:04

I'm sorry for everyone going through this. It is soul destroying. Op Flowers

Banquo54 · 08/11/2015 08:32

Several people have suggested that a solution would be to satisfy their need outside the marriage, and even to expect that the partner with the lower drive should accept this. This sounds OK in theory, but for me at least, sex is not just a physical need that I could satisfy with someone else, it's tied up with my emotional attachment and love for my wife. And although I can only speculate, I doubt that my wife could have accepted such an arrangement.

In my desperate days, years ago, I sometimes thought about leaving her, or an extramarital relationship (as I remember it, the concept of FWB didn't exist at that time), but I knew it would be the end of our marriage sooner or later which I thought would be worse that the situation we were in.

I always hoped that whatever had happened to her to cause her loss of desire for sex would eventually sort itself out and tried to discuss this with her several times, but it only upset her, and her desire didn't return. I think I assumed that she didn't desire ME any more; it didn't really occur to me that she just didn't want sex at all any more. It's only recently that I've learned more about this problem and my long felt resentment has gone.

Gabby99 · 08/11/2015 09:34

Banquo54 I agree with you re the emotional connection. I could never have sex with another man without emotional intimacy being present. If I ever feel that level of connection with a man then it would spell the end of my marriage - no doubt. Unlike you, I cannot get past the resentment i feel for my DH for withholding physical intimacy. There are days I can hardly look at him because I feel so much resentment. What exactly does he expect me to do ? Spend the rest of my life going without and for me to just accept it ? How can a person who is supposed to love me act so unreasonable. I will never accept this.

Terrifiedandregretful · 08/11/2015 09:51

Thanks justaboy. I think for me what makes it hard to split is that we are very physically affectionate, lots of hugs and snuggles on the sofa, cuddling at night etc. It's that that I'm really missing now, I never really enjoyed the sex so that's less of a loss.

Secondtimeround75 · 08/11/2015 12:16

Background -I've been very open with Dh this weekend . Told him he needed to help me drive our relationship & not take me for granted.

Today- we had coffee & chat in bed got up & dropped kids to various activities , he tidied downstairs , I did upstairs . I had a shower & sat into bed after ( naked under robe).
He had his shower & got dressed. Sat at the side of the bed for a chat & peck on the lips .
In short he said he wanted breakfast a read of the paper & we might come back to bed later in the day.

I feel so cheap , like I'm available whenever . Sex with me is not high on his list of things to do is it ???

He is happily cooking sausages chatting away to me.

What do I say to this ??
It's been 4 weeks since we last had sex.

Gabby99 · 08/11/2015 12:33

I'm six months of no sex, no touch, no affection ...

It's the happily chatting away bit that annoys me the most. My DH does that too. He expects me to chat away merrily too - acting like everything is normal when it's clearly not. I find that the hardest part.