So what are the chances of meeting a life partner at 45 ?

[darlingish]

In a nutshell met ex h at 18 and was married at 19 , had 4 dc and now at 45 I'm single !
Been separated 18 mths and started divorce proceedings.
Was very unhappy for many years and am blessed to be free now .
Met a lovely man in the spring and had my first romance and although I love him to bits and vice versa it cannot last for many reasons .
Wrong time wrong place .
When he leaves which he will early next year we will be friends for life and may well come back together one day but certainly for the next 5 years he will be on the other side of the world .
So ... I have 4 dc, 2 at home still .
I have a a demanding job .
No family support so very busy , ie up at 6 and don't stop until 11 every day as ex rarely sees his dc.
I do know that I need to be happy on my own and not rely on a man to make me happy , so that a future relationship will enhance my life not be the sole making of it iykwim.
Kind of feel like the next ten years is my time to get happy , enjoy life and my dc and do the dating I never did in my youth .
I read on the internet that apparently a woman finding a life partner in her mid forties is more likely to be killed in an accident !
It's made me think OMG .
I know it's ok to be single but after the summer romance I've had with my lovely man friend I would so love to share the rest of my life with the right person ( pref him but hey ho ) .

So what are the odds ?
Is it really that bad out there ?

Folk I appreciate that you are basing your comments on your experiences, which is only natural, but you continually tar every man with the same brush, despite other people having contrary experiences to yours. There is a big difference between "and men I meet say they want someone young and slim" and "men say they want someone young and slim"

The truth is that all of us, men and women, are attracted to different things. Some people have very defined types and won't consider or be attracted to someone who isn't that type. People, not just men.

I am currently 42. My first girlfriend was the same age as me. She was quite curvy. My second girlfriend was a year old than me, very very slim with pretty much no curves at all. My third girlfriend was curvy and 11 years older than me. They had different hair colours, they were different heights.

I am currently looking to date again. For assorted reasons related to my last relationship, I wouldn't date someone 11 years older. Based on my friendships and who I tend to get on well with and have plenty in common with, I would look for someone upto 4 years older but also 4 years younger. Not because I want to procreate.

Personality is very important and it's that what tends to make something last but there has to be a physical element in the first place.

Folk

I agree with you experiences. I've been out with some nice men, I've thought it went well, even very well. They enjoyed my company, and enjoyed the date, but they're still looking for somebody younger! And these guys were 50!!!! ffs, at 44, I am a younger woman surely to a 50 year old???

So comments from manoham make me roll my eyes. "i mostly date younger women, without apology''. That is the same as feeling entitled to a younger woman.

TheFolk, you are VERY persistent in your views regardless of the evidence to the contrary on several threads. No, not all men say they want 'young and slim' - maybe it's just the case on OLD with the men who themselves look very good or earn a lot, but it's not the case with all men, and even less so IRL because online it's more about fantasising about an ideal for some (and a lot of fantasists online!) - irl connection often takes over or people are surprised by liking someone who's not their 'theoretical' type.

IME many men online actually say "I don't have a type' or 'I don't want to be prescriptive, it's about chemistry/connection' in their profiles. It's like you are shutting out all those that prove your point wrong. I think you are attracted to a certain entitled or shallow type of men without realising it, and so your experience is like that, but you really can't generalise. Even if it may be true that majority of men around 50 only want a partner who is much younger and slim (just to be generous), there is a large minority who doesn't.

ps, and I'm finally meeting somebody for the second time, but he's only 42 so I think he's not as susceptible to feeling 'defined' by who he is dating.

I am looking for the connection too, compatibility, so I don't think that there is a quota of good men and they're all snapped up. I think the same percentage of married men are undateables!

ha, cross posted with StillDr! yes it's just unfair on the men.

Well, folk's experiences mirror my own. I'm attractive and slim and confident and sane and solvent and I have friends and hobbies. But it's not enough.

To be fair to some of the men my age or a bit older even, If they are say 45 ish and slim and handsome with outgoing with their life sorted out, then they could meet a woman of about 36 and have time to get married and still have the chance of a family. I get that

But I had thought that by 50 ish a man would have let go of that idea and would be more realistic. Who knows. I was trying to 'target' my messages to the right men. As it is demoralising to send messages to men who won't respond cos you're too old to have children thank God

What's unfair on the men??!

I don't understand. It's their choice to only view women who feel they're a bit too old really as potential dating partners. They'd have so much more luck with women closer to their own age but they all choose to 'go younger' on line, so what is it that's unfair?

I am more than half a century old and get more attention now than ever, both online and in real life, even compared to when I was in my twenties.

I get a lot of messages from men online and never message first. Presumably, those men looking for younger women wouldn't message me in the first place so my age has never been an issue for the men I have met (from ages 27-53.)

I am currently seeing a man I met on a night out. We haven't even asked each other our ages, it doesn't seem important as the attraction is there.

So op, yes I think you can find a life partner at your age if that's what you're looking for. I have found that most men are looking for something more serious than I can offer. They want to stay over then start talking about moving in and meeting kids way too early for me.

Slight, how any did you meet? Can you really say that ALL 50yrs you've messaged said that you are not young enough? As I say, I don't really count very high achievers as they tend to be cocky and entitled (again though, not all!). Do you message men who are average in terms of income? and who sound kind, intelligent?

I think that's a good idea! do not tell each other.

I went out with a man in real life last summer and we both knew that he was younger than I was and neither of us really wanted to know. Eventually we did stupidly tell each other and to my horror he was born in 1981... (me late 70) so we were both a bit deflated that the gap was as big as it was. WE both could have ''coped'' with five no problem, no issue, no ''apology'' to quote manoham. We split up, but that was because he hadn't recovered from his previous 'big' relationship and I was further down the line and had taken more pro-active steps to recover from it.

Unfair to say 'ALL men', Slight - it's just not true. My OLD experience is that many men aer very happy to date their own age woman, Just now saw a profile (a lawyer btw and not bad looking but not hugely sporty or hugely handsome) who is 51 looking for women 50-65. I asked if being a few younger would be a dealbreaker! he said 'no' but he did state preferance for same age or older. And he is BY FAR not the only one.

I'm 50. I have dated three men properly that I met OD. Two were the same age as me - 50 and one was 56. All were very nice. None of them had types. None of them aimed for younger women. We did joke about it and I'm not sure if any of the three would turn the opportunity down to date a much younger woman but they were realistic about the fact that a younger woman probably wouldn't be interested in them and also they wouldn't have much in common with them. I eye up younger men but again I would not date one. I appreciate my sample is very small but I do believe that not all men on OD are looking for younger slimmer women. I actually don't think the nicer ones are that bothered they just want to meet someone they fancy and get on with - same as me really. That's my experience anyway.

noclues I have been on five dates. One friend zoned me before we met up, so I'll say six, but that had a different feel to it. I can say, yes, that any profile that seems comparable to my own, ie, the man is averagely attractive, healthy, sane, outgoing, with interests etc, then yes I AM saying that I can predict that he won't reply. I have to consciously attempt to "date down" to get a reply. ie, add on ten years not 2-6. Or overlook a weight problem.

I'm not shallow. I did once date somebody ten years older, but again, we met in real life and he wasn't entitled, he was a foaf. My last real life boyfriend wasn't good looking, we did genuinely 'click'. Totally. But it is off-putting, men on line who think they're in a sweet shop. They don't have the self-awareness to think, ok, what can I offer? and can I offer the same as I'm looking for?

I'm only looking for what I can offer myself, so I don't think the internet is the best place for that. I think getting out there in RL will have to be the answer..... but saying that, I'm looking forward to meeting up with the man who friend=zoned me. He is good company and I could use more friends too. He's a character. And he'll have the sensitivity not to tell me about the 35 year olds he's trying to date.

I actually don't think the nicer ones are that bothered they just want to meet someone they fancy and get on with - same as me really. That's my experience anyway
exactly, same ime. the key word is the 'nicer' ones, also I'd add rational and with a good heart.

Your experiences don't negate mine.

I couldn't care less about income. I can pay my own bls.

The friend-tobe who I'm meeting tomorrow, he works part time for a charity. But he's very ''educated''. I'd prefer that. He has free time,but of course he's "not looking for a relationship" and we all know that that means I'm not looking for a relationship with you.

ok Slight, but I'd say 5 dates is nothing - it's like seeing 5 men in a bar and thinking one should be attracted to you personally (mutually). Maybe you were just not their type visually on photos, most/ many people don't look their best on photos anyway! I agree though that it's hell of a lot easier irl as you know instantly if there is any connection and don't go by photos , people are a lot more attractive when you hear then speak/see their personality when they are older (and I mean even over 35).

noclueses I don't see where I said ''all men''. You told me it was unfair to say ''all men'' but I read back and I can't see where I put that.

I think there is a predictable, very likely pattern.

But I'm not trying to row. I just don't want to chase my tail defending a commentI made, only to read back the thread back and be unceratain that I even said ''all men''..

My experience doesn't negate yours or Folk's, but I never tarred all men with the same brush - I say there is variety and it's not just my opinion but enough posters said the same, incl those who date a lot more than I do.
I say, some men of 50 want younger and slimmer, and some/many want to date within couple of years of their own age, and then some want a larger woman whatever the age.

Oh yeah, X=post. I'm not giving up yet!

Sure, I went in to this expecting to make a few friends along the way too.

I was talking about Folk's posts where she persist saying 'men' instead of 'some men' as in her experience all were like that, see above. StillDr commented on that too. Because you were saying your experience is the same, and that later you said that you believe men with same attributes as yourself wouldn't reply online (not 'some') I assumed you subscribed to that too.

I don't tar all men with the same brush either. But there are predictable patterns on line.

Oh well, I don't know if I could give a figure, like 90% of men on line feel entitled to a younger woman, or 95% of men on line feel entitled to a younger woman..... but I know from the perspective of being a woman who doesn't fit the label ''younger'' it feels like nobody will date me.

I feel like experimenting now. I might message 10 men my age (or within 2 years) and tell you how many reply! I'm guessing ONE.

ps, I know you just mean agreeing really, but when you say ''subscribing'' to what folk's posts, it makes it sounds like I have chosen to have low expectations of men my own age! I haven't chosen this belief! It's the logical conclusion of having been so ignored, ykwim?

I like men. But I think the medium of online dating is a platform that suits men better than it suits women. That is not ''tarring all men with the same brush'' nor is it ''subscribing'' to the belief that all men want somebody young and slim. They kind of do, right? you know that!?
But in real life we're all more than the sum of our parts. On the internet, we're reduced to data.

If you asked 100 blokes in a bar for their type I reckon it will be the same number as reading 100 profiles on POF give or take the type of bar and the age group there obviously.

A lot of men on POF that I attract are older than I like, not in the shape I like, not in the height range I like, have not aged in the way that I like. But how can I say they are any worse than the women on POF when I don't see female profiles. The blokes I have met have all said that lots of women put "only above 5:10 in height", "no over weights". I reckon we are all the same.

But ultimately on POF it is my right to say what I like and not reply to those that do not tick all of my boxes. That is the fun of OLD. In a way it is less superficial than eying each other up in a bar as at least I have a profile to read and it isn't 100% on looks and size (be it height, boob size, weight, red hair etc. etc.

I, at 50, have more success in meeting decent nice men on OD than I have ever done in RL even at 18. I can also control who I see and communicate with. However I have not met any awful men on POF so perhaps my experience is swayed or to be more positive I am extremely selective as to who I reply to in the first place. I don't message first. Why? Because I don't want that feeling of not getting a reply. Sexist - sure is but I let men message me as I believe if someone likes what they read or see they will make contact. I just don't use that theory myself! That is a failing but it seems to work for me.

Slight - you did, actually say "I don't understand. It's their choice to only view women who feel they're a bit too old really as potential dating partners. They'd have so much more luck with women closer to their own age but they all choose to 'go younger' on line, so what is it that's unfair?