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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Believe it or not, a man needing relationship help.

80 replies

troubledman · 28/10/2015 11:25

Hi there,

This is weird for me, but this is a serious post and I feel it 'might' help me.

Been with my partner for 3 years or so, I am mid twenties and she is slightly younger.

Really don't know where to start..

Okay, we love each other, a lot, I think a lot of my fiancée and I can't imagine life without her, but on the occasion I find myself no longer bothered about sex with her.. and find her boring? The girl is beautiful, this is the thing but I've found that I get bored very easily with the girl I am with and have been with in the past, I hate myself for it. When I met her, she was and probably still is very innocent and didn't really know what she was doing bless her, at first I thought she would change but we've been round in circles and she just doesn't seem to 'get it' if you know what I mean?!

Issue being, and not being big headed, i do get a fair amount of female attention, my other half knows this. But i like the attention? I guess I almost welcome it. I have a very good imagination and have always enjoys a lady that can 'get me going'.

Also and I don't know if this adds to the picture at all but, this happened with my ex (although not even half the relationship this is) and the minute I broke up with her, we would be all over each other again, this went on for months, with very passionate sex and meeting up etc. what the f*ck is wrong with me? I found her attractive again all of a sudden...

Is this self control? I've spoken with male friends and many have had this or still do (variety is the spice of life) some even act on it!

I have never cheated on my partner and to be honest I like to think I'd stay strong and never would as I have had plenty of opportunity.

But I feel bad for having these thoughts about 'other people' not in a way that i like them, but in a sexual way.

Anyway, any thoughts would/might help, happy to answer any questions as well.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 28/10/2015 11:29

It's interesting that you've chosen to post this on Mumsnet.

I would say you are too young to tie yourself down and you should let this beautiful young woman free to find someone who isn't looking at other women.

Annarose2014 · 28/10/2015 11:30

Well its obvious. You're not ready to have a fiancee at 25 or whatever. I'm guessing you've been living together since your early twenties?

And its fine, by the way - I certainly wasn't either. I was footloose and fancy free and had a ball.

As for whats wrong with you - nothing. You just need to be single. It sounds like you're more fond of your fiancee than desperately in love with her anyway, so theres that.

Original poster

troubledman · 28/10/2015 11:31

Literally no idea where else to go with this, came up on search engine and I thought female input might be good..

OP posts:

Original poster

troubledman · 28/10/2015 11:33

Thing is, I feel desperately in love with her..

It's so hard to explain, but I do genuinely love the girl to bits, I'd do anything for her. I'd be lost without her.

Really not sure if my thoughts will ever change though.

OP posts:

LittleMamaJama · 28/10/2015 11:36

Perhaps you got engenged too soon? 25 is still young, start by calling off the engagement and see how things work out.

Cabrinha · 28/10/2015 11:37

Bit unfair to ask her to marry you when you didn't fancy her, no?

Several issues here.

You may be sexually incompatible. If so, break it off. It's too fundamental.

You may not have created an environment where she trusts you enough to let go or try new things.

You say NOTHING about he conversations you've had with her about this. Why not? Have you tried?

Your behaviour with your ex - do I understand right that you dumped her several times deliberately just so you could have better sex? (for you the chase, or maybe the thing with her being desperate to win you back?) if so - pretty fucking awful behaviour. Work out why you do that, and then STOP.

Getting attention... Well, who doesn't like that? But if you're courting it, then you need to grow up and stop asking women to marry you if that's how you want to behave.

So:

Work out what you want - marriage and a life and lifetime with your fiancée? Or to carry on flirting and courting attention. Assuming it's the former:

Stop courting attention.

Talk to your partner about sex. No - don't pressure her. But if you like to share taking the lead and doesn't for example, discuss that. Make no demands, don't make her feel bad, but talk about what you BOTH want. If you can't have that conversation, your relationship and both your communication skills aren't ready for marriage yet.

PrancingQueen · 28/10/2015 11:37

You don't sound sexually compatible to me, which won't work out long term.
I agree with the above posters that you shouldn't marry her.

No worries about posting here btw, quite a few men come here for advice.

whatdoIget · 28/10/2015 11:37

Trial separation? I really wish I hadn't spent my 20s tied down and living with my partner, fwiw. You're probably just not mature enough to have a ltr at the moment, fair enough.

PitilessYank · 28/10/2015 11:38

At your age, I was a serial monogamist. I would date someone for about 2 years and then get totally bored of him/her and we would break up. (I am a woman, and I dated men and women.)

I thought I would live my life this way, but at the age of 27 I met someone of whom I didn't become bored, not after two years, five years, ten years, etc. We have been married 20 years now-still fascinated by him!

I think it was a combo of maturation and meeting the right person.

I think that you should marry someone who rarely (not never-that is impossible) bores you.

It was probably

Annarose2014 · 28/10/2015 11:40

Sorry but you can't have it every way.

You're basically a pre-cheater. Sooner or later you will. You'll blame the drink or something.

She sounds like a nice girl, she definately deserves better than a bloke who gets hard from randomers attentions.

Original poster

troubledman · 28/10/2015 11:43

Thank you every for your great input, seriously.

I'm happy to be constructively criticised!

I have spoken with her about it, we have a fairly open relationship in that we talk about issues. I have never mentioned that I think of others, because I'm ashamed of myself to be truthful and I don't want to hurt her.

Sexual compatibility is something that has been on my mind a fair amount..

I didn't dump my ex just to get back with her, I dumped her because it was the right thing to do, but I kept going back, time after time (not as a relationship) purely for the sex. I feel bad for what I did because it most definitely messed with her head.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 28/10/2015 11:44

I'd like to know what "going round in circles" and her "not getting it" actually means.

What are you asking her to do, that she doesn't want to?

Supermanspants · 28/10/2015 11:45

When I met her, she was and probably still is very innocent and didn't really know what she was doing bless her

You sound quite immature. What exactly are you bored with? You want a r'ship but probably a FWB type. You are constantly looking out for something better sexually which does not bode well. End the r'ship, shag around then maybe you will reach the maturity needed to cultivate a r'ship where love and respect for your partner grows without you getting bored. You are clearly too young to do this now.

Original poster

troubledman · 28/10/2015 11:45

Basically be more adventurous, but her mind doesn't work that way, she is rather innocent. Which I love about her! But it has its draw backs.

OP posts:

HumboldtFog · 28/10/2015 11:46

You're not ready to settle down.

Won't even go there with the other stuff, let's just say I agree with PPs.

Cabrinha · 28/10/2015 11:46

Mmmmm, not covering yourself in glory there.
Using the last woman, and patronising this one - "bless her". I mean - REALLY? "Bless her".
I cringed at that.

HumboldtFog · 28/10/2015 11:47

"Thing is, I feel desperately in love with her.."

You certainly don't sound desperately in love with her! You sound very immature. I repeat. You are not ready to settle down.

Cabrinha · 28/10/2015 11:47

Oh FFS.
Cake and eat it, much?
You love her innocence.
But she's too boring to have sex with.

Stop patronising her and let her go find someone else.

Supermanspants · 28/10/2015 11:48

Yes, quite Cabrinha.... that stuck out with me to.

Annarose2014 · 28/10/2015 11:49

By more adventurous, you mean anal, don't you?

Original poster

troubledman · 28/10/2015 11:50

I actually don't mean that at all.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 28/10/2015 11:50

And what does adventurous mean to you?
Toys? Risk? Lingerie? Role play? 20 positions?

If you cannot enjoy "plain" sex with someone, then you shouldn't marry them.

That doesn't mean that it's the only sex you should ever have - but if it's not enough - if SHE is not enough, walk away.

Supermanspants · 28/10/2015 11:55

They'll get married and she will be on here later asking for advice on her cheating DH. Do her a favour and walk away. With all that attention you get they will be queuing up to take her place. You might want to have a chat with the next one to ensure they are adventurous enough for you or you will get bored.
HTH

ImperialBlether · 28/10/2015 11:57

Another one here who cringed at "Bless her."

popalot · 28/10/2015 11:58

You seem to think women come in categories and I think that is probably down to your age and inexperience. I've been on the receiving end of this sort of thinking; and ex thought I was an 'angel' (like your thinking of your fiance) and was constantly trying to get me to experiment and be more of what he wanted in the bedroom. But he never really understood me. Of course I am not an angel and actually I did want enjoyment in the bedroom, I just didn't want to be a porn star in his own imagination. He did cheat on me and it was heartbreaking because I inevitably blamed myself/he blamed me for not being 'adventurous' enough. Actually, given the space in a more open, caring relationship where I was respected as a more rounded individual - a woman, not an angel/porn star - I am free to enjoy what I like.

So I would say maybe you need to find out who she really is and stop putting women into categories. We are not either angels or porn stars. We have our own sexual fantasies and needs. Maybe you haven't asked her what she wants. Quite often it can change with her moods/tiredness/cycle. Don't be too pushy to get what you want all the time. It's more fun allowing her to flower how she wants to. It might come down to it that you are jsut not compatible. At which point you should respectfully let her go. Just don't go down the road of being a man who demands what he wants from stereotyped images of women and being surprised that by the time you're 40 you still don't understand us.

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