Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Believe it or not, a man needing relationship help.

80 replies

troubledman · 28/10/2015 11:25

Hi there,

This is weird for me, but this is a serious post and I feel it 'might' help me.

Been with my partner for 3 years or so, I am mid twenties and she is slightly younger.

Really don't know where to start..

Okay, we love each other, a lot, I think a lot of my fiancée and I can't imagine life without her, but on the occasion I find myself no longer bothered about sex with her.. and find her boring? The girl is beautiful, this is the thing but I've found that I get bored very easily with the girl I am with and have been with in the past, I hate myself for it. When I met her, she was and probably still is very innocent and didn't really know what she was doing bless her, at first I thought she would change but we've been round in circles and she just doesn't seem to 'get it' if you know what I mean?!

Issue being, and not being big headed, i do get a fair amount of female attention, my other half knows this. But i like the attention? I guess I almost welcome it. I have a very good imagination and have always enjoys a lady that can 'get me going'.

Also and I don't know if this adds to the picture at all but, this happened with my ex (although not even half the relationship this is) and the minute I broke up with her, we would be all over each other again, this went on for months, with very passionate sex and meeting up etc. what the f*ck is wrong with me? I found her attractive again all of a sudden...

Is this self control? I've spoken with male friends and many have had this or still do (variety is the spice of life) some even act on it!

I have never cheated on my partner and to be honest I like to think I'd stay strong and never would as I have had plenty of opportunity.

But I feel bad for having these thoughts about 'other people' not in a way that i like them, but in a sexual way.

Anyway, any thoughts would/might help, happy to answer any questions as well.

OP posts:
CarrotVan · 28/10/2015 12:01

You're not ready for a serious relationship which is fine. Play the field for more casual flings for a few years and settle down later.

Also you may have a bit of a Madonna/Whore thing going one - she's good enough to marry but too pure for adventurous sex so you have one eye on opportunities for adventurous sex with women you wouldn't want to marry.

QueenPotato · 28/10/2015 12:02

I don't think you're in love with her. I think you see that she's beautiful and "innocent" and a lovely person who is good to you, and you feel that means you should be in love with her and you try to convince yourself you are. You may also feel she reflects well on you – you've pulled a beautiful woman.

But you are very young and that's just not what your heart and body are telling you. You want wild adventurous sex with people you have mindblowing chemistry with, and that's not her. You're not very compatible – though please don't just put that down to her being "innocent". Maybe she just mature enough to know she likes what she likes.

It's hard and I do appreciate you don't want to hurt her, but I think if you marry her and try to stay faithful, it will go horribly wrong. And you don't want that to happen down the line when you might have kids etc.

I'd do as others have said, end it and commit to being a single player and sower of wild oats. You could do that for 10 years and still have plenty time to settle down if that's what you want then.

FWIW I couldn't have settled down in my mid-20s either and certainly most men I know couldn't.

Viviennemary · 28/10/2015 12:09

Why is it always about sex if a man posts something. Well nearly always. Just leave if your're not happy.

LoisPuddingLane · 28/10/2015 12:10

If she's not "getting it" it means she probably doesn't like "it".

Unfortunately, a lot of young women feel they have to be cool and up for sexual stuff they don't much fancy. Thanks to porn, mainly, which tends to raise expectations.

She probably just wants to say no, I don't like that, or don't want that.

TheTigerIsOut · 28/10/2015 12:13

I think you both need to have a frank and open conversation about your sex life, because that is the only thing that binds you together as a couple, otherwise you are good friends, brother and sister, but without the sexual attraction you are only keeping each other company.

This site is hundreds of people who have said or being told the phrase "I love you, but I am no longer inlove with you", which it is, in my opinion the point where things start going down the hill and that, with time, takes you to divorce or into an unfulfilling relationship.

It is a blessing (sorry) that you have got to this stage before you married, as it is significantly less damaging to break and engagement than go through a divorce when children are involved.

molyholy · 28/10/2015 12:15

she was and probably still is very innocent and didn't really know what she was doing bless her

You sound very patronising the way you talk about her, as though she is some precious little snowflake that you don't want to damage.

You either want her or you don't. If you don't, let her go and find someone who appreciates all her qualities.

It's fine if you want an 'adventurous' time in the bedroom, but she obviously doesn't want that and you can't change her just to satisfy your needs if she is not that way inclined.

BSites · 28/10/2015 12:15

Better to play the field now, than spend your life thinking about it.

Perhaps she'll still be available and far less innocent when you've got it all out of your system.

Good luck with that.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 28/10/2015 12:16

Agree that "adventurous" probably means "porn stuff".

GoblinLittleOwl · 28/10/2015 12:20

Far too immature for a committed relationship.

Do you think you are Don Giovanni?

Supermanspants · 28/10/2015 12:20

Feels it 'might' help...... why the use of single inverted commas around might OP?

QueenPotato · 28/10/2015 12:23

Yes "innocent" can tend to mean "a normal woman who hasn't watched endless hours of porn and thinks that what sex is meant to be like". If you have got a lot of your ideas about sex from porn, be aware that while some woman are up for that, many have their own preferences. Ideally, you should find someone who likes what you like and sex should be about both of you enjoying it - not about one person being encouraged to live up to porn fantasies when that's not their thing, because it's what the other person wants.

Justaboy · 28/10/2015 12:23

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are"

Comes to mind.

Straight up this isn't the right girl for you, neither are you the right man for her. Simple as that.

It ain't gonna fly long term. I hope she realises that at least even if you can't as yet.

LoisPuddingLane · 28/10/2015 12:27

I thank all the gods that I came of age in a time when there was only top-shelf muff. Very little expectation. Oh we had a poke around the back door but I didn't like it and that was that. No legs over my head, no squirting. Squirting wasn't even a thing then.

Annarose2014 · 28/10/2015 12:34

And Lois you could have lush pubic hair! And visible labia!

LoisPuddingLane · 28/10/2015 12:36

You could! And I did! (And still do!)

QueenPotato · 28/10/2015 12:37

Anyone can! Every woman has the right to resist being expected to look like a porn star, I hope lots of them still do.

Supermanspants · 28/10/2015 12:39

Ah yes.... the heady days before anal bleaching Grin

PitilessYank · 28/10/2015 12:40

I found that for me, sexual boredom often accompanied general boredom in a relationship. Do you find her interesting in general? Do you enjoy talking with her and spending time with her?

Also, I would like to add that I have become more sexually adventurous over the years with my husband. Certain things/practices (eg sex toys, anal sex, pardon me for saying, but I think it is more helpful to be clear) which did not interest me much in my 20s now interest me much more. I only mention this because women tend (not always) to have an easier time sexually when we feel very comfortable with and non-judged by a partner.

But the basis for any good romantic relationship is a great friendship. Would you be friends with her if you were not dating her?

LoisPuddingLane · 28/10/2015 12:40

Christ, I'm not sitting in a bowl of Harpic for anyone.

PitilessYank · 28/10/2015 12:42

Hah!

PitilessYank · 28/10/2015 12:44

In New York City, one can get an herbal-based anal bleaching!

LoisPuddingLane · 28/10/2015 12:45

Gosh. They think of everything these days. What's wrong with arse-coloured arsehole?

Annarose2014 · 28/10/2015 12:46

Organic anal bleaching. So you can feel smug about the environment when your boyfriend is critiquing your hole.

Twinklestein · 28/10/2015 12:48

You're bored of her, you're bored of sex with her, you talk about her in a strange way - like a sweet pet, you're way too young to be getting married, and certainly not to someone who's so incompatible. Why not just move on?

Supermanspants · 28/10/2015 12:49

Grin Anna