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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Believe it or not, a man needing relationship help.

80 replies

troubledman · 28/10/2015 11:25

Hi there,

This is weird for me, but this is a serious post and I feel it 'might' help me.

Been with my partner for 3 years or so, I am mid twenties and she is slightly younger.

Really don't know where to start..

Okay, we love each other, a lot, I think a lot of my fiancée and I can't imagine life without her, but on the occasion I find myself no longer bothered about sex with her.. and find her boring? The girl is beautiful, this is the thing but I've found that I get bored very easily with the girl I am with and have been with in the past, I hate myself for it. When I met her, she was and probably still is very innocent and didn't really know what she was doing bless her, at first I thought she would change but we've been round in circles and she just doesn't seem to 'get it' if you know what I mean?!

Issue being, and not being big headed, i do get a fair amount of female attention, my other half knows this. But i like the attention? I guess I almost welcome it. I have a very good imagination and have always enjoys a lady that can 'get me going'.

Also and I don't know if this adds to the picture at all but, this happened with my ex (although not even half the relationship this is) and the minute I broke up with her, we would be all over each other again, this went on for months, with very passionate sex and meeting up etc. what the f*ck is wrong with me? I found her attractive again all of a sudden...

Is this self control? I've spoken with male friends and many have had this or still do (variety is the spice of life) some even act on it!

I have never cheated on my partner and to be honest I like to think I'd stay strong and never would as I have had plenty of opportunity.

But I feel bad for having these thoughts about 'other people' not in a way that i like them, but in a sexual way.

Anyway, any thoughts would/might help, happy to answer any questions as well.

OP posts:

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 28/10/2015 12:57

I cringed at "believe it or not" in the thread title.
Um, no, OP, you do not love her to bits if at all if you are keeping an eye out for attention from others. That is just a lie. Stop it.

LoisPuddingLane · 28/10/2015 12:59

Yes. "Believe it or not" - it's sort of a mock-humility. That and the "bless her"...I reckon you should set her free. Do her a favour.

Pandora97 · 28/10/2015 13:01

Another one saying leave her. I don't think you're mature enough or ready for such a huge life commitment as marriage. If you're not interested in sex with her now, in your mid 20s and before your marriage has even started, it really won't end well.

Eminado · 28/10/2015 13:03

praying the girl reads this thread and dumps the adventurous Porn hound OP

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 13:07

That's some Madonna/Whore dynamic you got going in there in your head.

cece · 28/10/2015 13:08

You are not compatible. Do her a favour and finish it. And then spend at least 2 years being single and dating sleeping around

K1mberly · 28/10/2015 13:11

LOL at Anna . That has to be the quote of the week

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 13:14

Anna, I like the cut of your jib.

Spell99 · 28/10/2015 13:25

Mate, Leave her. This almost always turns into you at 40 bitching in the pub about how your wife wont touch you. Then the mistress, divorce, pain & cost. Then you meet someone who you are compatible with and wonder where all those years went. Every one of those blokes wished they could go back and tell themselves to grow a spine and get it over with at 25.

peasareevilcreatures · 28/10/2015 13:28

Yep...do not settle. Or you may as well book your place for a mid life crisis right now.

ShebaShimmyShake · 28/10/2015 13:46

Heh. I was pretty innocent at one point. My partner guided me to more adventurous things, showing me how they work and what they mean in a sort of learn by doing method. If you can't do that, maybe you're not great in bed either.

StarkyTheDirewolf · 28/10/2015 13:50

Split up with her. You describe her as some kind of precious snowflake, it comes across as really patronising. You are too immature to be engaged. It does sound very Madonna/whore complex. With your ex it sounds like you didn't want her, but were prepared to mess with her head for the chance of dirty sex, so you didn't want anyone else to have her either.

If you can't have a frank conversation about what you want sexually, or rather, she is not prepared to act out your sexual desires, then you are not compatible, the 'bless her' is patronising.

Stop courting attention from other women, it may stroke your ego, but either split up with her and then go hell for leather with a multitude of women, or try to see your partner as a grown woman and treat her as such by having a conversation about it.

Coffeelove · 28/10/2015 13:50

Take it or leave it but it may have something to do with what Mark Gungor talks about 'imprinting'. It is a Christian pastor with practical sex info.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=LbYTkGitMyk (See minute 13:35)

ShebaShimmyShake · 28/10/2015 13:57

Tbh, OP's immaturity is also evident in the fact that he thinks we'll be surprised that a man wants relationship help.

expatinscotland · 28/10/2015 14:05

Time to set this one free and you go play the field for a while longer. You are not ready to settle down.

Seeyounearertime · 28/10/2015 14:50

Man to man... Grow up.

There's a time when everyone plays the field, has funetc. Then that stops and you grownup. You may even realise that life isn't a porn movie, notnall women are nymphomaniacs that think about sex every second of everyday. Deal with it.

It sounds too much like you want her to be prim and innocent little lady as a girlfriend and be a dirt adventurous slut in the bed room, that sticks in my craw. She doesn't have to be anything for you other than herslef. If you don't appreciate her for her then leave. Seeing as you're so amazing and get tons of attention then I'm sure you'll find someone in your wavelength.

I don't really know the point of the thread? It almost seems like an attempt at bragging or some psychology experiment to gauge relations of the posters here? Language seems inflammatory to say the least.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 28/10/2015 16:14

Spot on, seeyou

Drew64 · 28/10/2015 17:08

The girl is beautiful

I cringe when someone uses English language like this. My GF, My Fiance or addressed by name.
'The girl' does not sit comfortably with me

I've found that I get bored very easily with the girl I am with and have been with in the past, I hate myself for it.

Well bully for you for hating yourself, how very noble!

When I met her, she was and probably still is very innocent and didn't really know what she was doing bless her

Really? Are you so much better, know so much more, so much more experienced?
Cocky twat!

at first I thought she would change but we've been round in circles and she just doesn't seem to 'get it' if you know what I mean?!

No I don't get it. Maybe that's why you have been round in circles because your skirting around the issue (which isn't an issue btw)

Issue being, and not being big headed, i do get a fair amount of female attention

You are being big headed, Id guessed that from what I have read till now. You don't have to tell us, I can see.

But i like the attention?

Your GF would like the attention too, from you!

I have a very good imagination and have always enjoys a lady that can 'get me going'.

Wind your neck in son, your not gods gift!

You seem far too young and far too immature for your years and should not be committing to a life long relationship with anyone.
You sound like a cocky little boy who thinks he is god's gift to women because you get some attention.
Life won't always be like that for you, you will grow up one day.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/10/2015 17:21

you will grow up one day

Or maybe he won't. Not everybody does.

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 17:52

I reckon this nobhead is "skirting" around his girlfriend's clitoris

Like 6 feet around it.

RivieraKid · 28/10/2015 17:53

Honestly mate, it just sounds like you're not ready to settle down, and that's fair enough, you're 25 (or thereabouts) and you've been in a LTR for three years. That can feel like a bloody long time if you also have the urge to go sow some wild oats before you meet someone you can really see yourself with for life, if you ever do.

the minute I broke up with her, we would be all over each other again, this went on for months, with very passionate sex and meeting up etc. what the fck is wrong with me? I found her attractive again all of a sudden...*

Course, it was all new and emotional and exciting again. Sounds like quite a typical on-off thing. When you have her, everything's safe and a bit boring, when you don't, all that desire comes rushing back. It's not pretty, but I'd say wanting what you no longer have is a part of human nature.

Ignore your cheating mates who like to liberally spice up their variety, cheaters tend to end up as lonely old men. If you don't believe me, read some of these threads!

at first I thought she would change but we've been round in circles and she just doesn't seem to 'get it' if you know what I mean?!

This is really the only thing you need to get feedback on. She doesn't have to change her sexual appetites for you. If you're sexually incompatible, and it sounds like you are, best to cut your losses and let her do the same, it's a bit of a square pegs situation otherwise. You'll end up with the right people eventually, but you can't change someone, especially in the bedroom, to suit yourself whatever our warped culture tells us and you shouldn't want to.

Best of luck!

Supermanspants · 28/10/2015 17:55

Maybe he wants a threesome with one of his many admirers and she has said a big fat 'no'.

timelytess · 28/10/2015 17:56

she was and probably still is very innocent and didn't really know what she was doing bless her

So, have I got this right? She was innocent. She's spent three years with you. She's learnt nothing.

What does that suggest about you as a sexual partner?

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 28/10/2015 18:12

I wonder if you've been scared off by now

But I agree. You say that you love that she's 'innocent', 'bless her', but she bores you. Don't you see the connection there? Can you be more open with her about what you would like? If she is inexperienced she probably doesn't instinctively know how to do some things, but unless you're expectign advanced kama sutra stuff, you should be able to talk her through, of course, bearing in mind that she's open to doing the more adventurous stuff you'd like to try.

I also wonder if you're a porn user? If you are, try stopping. You should become re sensitized to real sex.

I'd be interested to know how she is bad in bed. There's not much to it really is there. Do you mean she only wants missionary?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 28/10/2015 18:22

She doesn't want to change position every 2 minutes, moan exaggeratedly, mutter "Oh, yeah, give me that big cock", have him do anal and then go straight back to vaginal (god, the GERMS, makes me shudder), and then have him cum on her overly-long fake eyelashes.

I doubt OP will be back. Think he wanted congratulations on what an open-minded stud muffin he is (maybe with a few us begging to be taught his "adventurous" techniques).

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