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Original poster

How would you handle this?

79 replies

Upawall · 25/10/2015 07:26

I'll make this short but honestly any advice would be very much appreciated.

Been with dp 5 years we have a 1 year old dc. I work part time and am starting my own business. He works 35 hours a week and is also doing a college course to get him in to uni as he wants to do a degree.

I know it sounds like we must be so busy but it's all perfectly manageable if dp were to calm down a little. Here's the problem.

For the last few weeks he's been increasingly moody, irritable and snappy. Because he's out of the house so much I've been doing 90% of the house chores. He's criticising the way I'm doing this (washing has been done quick enough, complaining he's sick of the bedroom being a mess and making comments when the baby was pointing at the goody draw "I bet you're just allowed to eat biscuits all day")

I actually was happy with how things were going. Baby only sleeps for 1 hour a day and I use this time to get some work done for my business. When he's awake we play and read and I'll do a bit of cleaning when I get the chance.
Dp comes home from college r work and goes straight up to his desk and does college work or partakes in his hobby. I feel I'm being sportive by not placing demands on him when he comes home.

Yesterday he was chatting about something his tutor had told him. I already have a degree in the subject he's learning and told him he should double check as what he was saying was wrong as far as I could remember. He erupted in anger shouting that I was talking down to him and that he would rather listen to his tutor than listen to me. I really wasn't meaning to talk down to him, it was just chit chat I thought.
He was quiet for the rest of the day, he's been given an assignment which has to be handed in, in 4 weeks but he seems to think he needs to get it done on his 2 days off this weekend. So I took the baby away and gave him space.

Last night in bed we were chatting and he asked what was wrong with me. I told him I felt he'd been unduly moody and a bit snappy with me. Told him I know he's under pressure but maybe he could try and enjoy his time with his family too. He jumped up in anger and went down stairs. I listened as he walked Oundle shouting and swearing. Lots of it was inaudible but I heard this "fuckin bitch, the only time I'm unhappy is when I come home to you, you miserable fuckin cunt"
He slept on the sofa then went to bed when I came downstairs with baby this morning.

He knows I can't stand the c word as I find it the most offensive thing he can call me.

Should I talk to him or leave him be? I'm angry but don't want it to end up in a repeat of last night.

OP posts:
cailindana · 25/10/2015 07:31

You should leave him be. Permanently.

Original poster
Upawall · 25/10/2015 07:32

Haha short and sweet. Like it ??

OP posts:
Original poster
Upawall · 25/10/2015 07:32

That should have been ?? not ??. Flipping phone

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Original poster
Upawall · 25/10/2015 07:33

Oh my phone is rubbish. I meant Grin

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3perfectweemen · 25/10/2015 07:36

You should leave him life would be so much better. He is an immature abusive little boy! Any man that speaks to a woman like that isn't worth your time!

CantAffordtoLive · 25/10/2015 07:37

I would call him up on this. If the only time he is unhappy is when he is with you I would pack him a bag and tell him to leave.

Sorry. You may not want to hear that but IMO and IME situations like yours rarely improve unless he realises that you are not prepared to put up with his shit treatment of you. Flowers

JeanSeberg · 25/10/2015 07:38

Can't improve on the advice already given.

What an awful role model for your child.

marl · 25/10/2015 07:38

Maybe try to give him an 'out' re his extra work. It sounds like the pressure is too much for him and he is not coping and therefore blaming you. Delicate one... but maybe something like 'might it be an idea parking the course for a year until we have got less going on and then picking it up again as you don't seem yourself and it's a lot of pressure.' anything that doesn't suggest it's you or him, but rather the timing and balance in life?

Jinglebells99 · 25/10/2015 07:43

I can't see any redeeming qualities in your description of this man. He sounds horrible. Is the plan that you will support him through university? How easy would it be for you to get rid? What is your degree in? What's your business?

ihatethecold · 25/10/2015 07:44

Do you feel it's a regular occurrence?
You shouldn't put up with behaviour that verbally abusive.

DoreenLethal · 25/10/2015 07:45

Blaming her is one thing; calling her a miserable fucking cunt is completely different.

I'd tell him to fuck off if he hates it there so much.

Original poster
Upawall · 25/10/2015 07:48

**marl
I have tried to speak with him about maybe waiting a year or so but he's not interested. I told him this will only work if we are able to work as a team. But it's like he's got tunnel vision like all he's interested in is his course.

He's generally quite good round the house and this weekend because he has 2 days off he's cooked dinner for us and I'm very grateful but he then ate his dinner with his laptop open in front of him.

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Original poster
Upawall · 25/10/2015 07:50

Yes the plan something for me to support him through uni. So obviously I feel under pressure too. I don't want to say what my business is as it'll defo out me. But I will say that if I can't start balancing my business books it'd be a major struggle financially for him to do his degree.

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Original poster
Upawall · 25/10/2015 07:52

I wouldn't say it's a regular or curable for him to lose his temper so easily. Although I do feel he tends to take stuff out on me when things don't go right for him.

I'm happy to support him but I can't be called that name. This is not new to him, he knows that's not something I can tolerate

OP posts:
HexBramble · 25/10/2015 07:55

OP if this is how he copes with pressure, then you're in for a rough ride Sad

Yes, he sounds like he's under too much pressure but he also sounds very resentful of you. Does he actually want to stay in college? Is he jealous of you having your degree? Why has he chosen to do the exact same one? Is he jealous of you ?

Does he spend time with your DC? What are his good points? Despite my questions, I'd be packing his bag and giving him a way out.

Original poster
Upawall · 25/10/2015 07:55

And it would be fairly easy practically for me to make him leave. I make my own money and I can afford to live here alone with my children. (My eldest were at their dad's house last night)
But honestly I don't want to end my relationship. He deserves have many good qualities but I can't accept his verbal abuse

OP posts:
CantAffordtoLive · 25/10/2015 07:56

Well I think you need to show him you won't tolerate it, unless you take action you are proving otherwise.

Original poster
Upawall · 25/10/2015 07:57

Sorry my auto correct is terrible today

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CantAffordtoLive · 25/10/2015 07:57

If you are prepared to support him then he should be showing you some bloody gratitude and respect!

Boozena · 25/10/2015 08:00

I think his behaviour is totally out of order but upping sticks and leaving seems a bit extreme.
It sounds to me like he's struggling to cope himself, a hint of envy that you already have the degree, pressure to stick at it and do well as you have done.
I'm not providing an excuse- I too hate the c word and see red when my DH uses it in general and would be livid if he used it against me. It's the principle.
Perhaps try talking to him again and, even when he inevitable uses blaming/accusatory language try to keep yours more neutral/sympathetic. E.g I'm worried you were upset last night rather than why did you strop off downstairs last night effing and jeffing... good luck!

Original poster
Upawall · 25/10/2015 08:01

I have maths chemistry and physics degrees. His degree will be different but he's doing maths and chemistry A level.

He spends time with all of the children. But this has lessened since he's been at college which is understandable. He tends to come home have an hour playing with them then straight up to his desk to work. So we aren't spending any quality time together as a couple. Last night I asked him to pick a film and share a bottle of wine with me which he did but spent most of it on his phone.

I think that's why I was a bit fed up when we got in bed

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DoreenLethal · 25/10/2015 08:09

If you don't point blank put a stop to this now by calling his bluff and telling him that he needs to leave if he hates it so much, you are just going to let him get away with it and then it will be the norm.

Remember he is the one choosing to get angry and swear at and about you.

HexBramble · 25/10/2015 08:11

What's he doing on his phone? It can't all be work work work?

Original poster
Upawall · 25/10/2015 08:11

Yes I agree. I will speak to him when he gets up.

When I look back over our relationship I realise this has always been the way he handles pressure. He had always turned on me . When baby was born he was awful it was actually one of the worst tines in our relationship and in my life generally

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Original poster
Upawall · 25/10/2015 08:12

On his phone, he's researching for his course or sometimes he's on reddit

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