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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you handle this?

79 replies

Upawall · 25/10/2015 07:26

I'll make this short but honestly any advice would be very much appreciated.

Been with dp 5 years we have a 1 year old dc. I work part time and am starting my own business. He works 35 hours a week and is also doing a college course to get him in to uni as he wants to do a degree.

I know it sounds like we must be so busy but it's all perfectly manageable if dp were to calm down a little. Here's the problem.

For the last few weeks he's been increasingly moody, irritable and snappy. Because he's out of the house so much I've been doing 90% of the house chores. He's criticising the way I'm doing this (washing has been done quick enough, complaining he's sick of the bedroom being a mess and making comments when the baby was pointing at the goody draw "I bet you're just allowed to eat biscuits all day")

I actually was happy with how things were going. Baby only sleeps for 1 hour a day and I use this time to get some work done for my business. When he's awake we play and read and I'll do a bit of cleaning when I get the chance.
Dp comes home from college r work and goes straight up to his desk and does college work or partakes in his hobby. I feel I'm being sportive by not placing demands on him when he comes home.

Yesterday he was chatting about something his tutor had told him. I already have a degree in the subject he's learning and told him he should double check as what he was saying was wrong as far as I could remember. He erupted in anger shouting that I was talking down to him and that he would rather listen to his tutor than listen to me. I really wasn't meaning to talk down to him, it was just chit chat I thought.
He was quiet for the rest of the day, he's been given an assignment which has to be handed in, in 4 weeks but he seems to think he needs to get it done on his 2 days off this weekend. So I took the baby away and gave him space.

Last night in bed we were chatting and he asked what was wrong with me. I told him I felt he'd been unduly moody and a bit snappy with me. Told him I know he's under pressure but maybe he could try and enjoy his time with his family too. He jumped up in anger and went down stairs. I listened as he walked Oundle shouting and swearing. Lots of it was inaudible but I heard this "fuckin bitch, the only time I'm unhappy is when I come home to you, you miserable fuckin cunt"
He slept on the sofa then went to bed when I came downstairs with baby this morning.

He knows I can't stand the c word as I find it the most offensive thing he can call me.

Should I talk to him or leave him be? I'm angry but don't want it to end up in a repeat of last night.

OP posts:
HexBramble · 25/10/2015 10:50

OP - you need your strength for future health battles God forbid. Hold your resolve. If it were me, I'd pack. Bag for me an DC and leave for a few days.

If the house in joint name?

Handywoman · 25/10/2015 10:50

I'm with Hex this does not look good

HexBramble · 25/10/2015 10:51

IS!!

My autocorrect is hyperactive today.

Original poster
Upawall · 25/10/2015 10:51

Yes that's it spot on.

He's focusing on those things because he doesn't have anything else to fire at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Upawall · 25/10/2015 10:52

There's no way I'm leaving this house. No way. I may be poorly right now but that doesn't mean I'm not strong. And I've done nothing wrong. There will be no upheaval for me and the kids

OP posts:
HexBramble · 25/10/2015 10:53

But the question is this:

WHY is he targeting you? Why isn't he supporting you and at the very least, recognising the support you are giving him?

I hate to say this, but start checking his phone. He's scapegoating you for something.

OhDearMuriel · 25/10/2015 10:55

I agree - he needs to go, not you!! I can't believe he's being such a bastard when you have got this hanging over you as well and are doing SO well. x

FantasticButtocks · 25/10/2015 10:55

You are right to not tolerate this. He is behaving appallingly and there is no excuse. You sound more than able to handle this and are being very clear about your boundaries. He needs to go. He needs to feel that you are serious. He needs to understand that he is going to lose you over this.

Then maybe he will take steps to sort himself out.

HexBramble · 25/10/2015 10:57

I don't suggest for a minute that you need to leave permanently, but he needs to know you mean business. I'd be taking me and DC out of the hostility with the clear message that he should be gone when you get back.

FantasticButtocks · 25/10/2015 10:58

As to the question of WHY he is behaving like this... He sounds fearful. His fear is coming out as aggression. Still not acceptable.

FantasticButtocks · 25/10/2015 10:59

No. He should go. Now.

HexBramble · 25/10/2015 11:02

But he's not listening. She has asked. He has refused. If she left with the clear statement that things must change, he will know she means business.

It's not ideal OP but frankly, you deserve such better treatment than this. I feel for you.

Handywoman · 25/10/2015 11:02

Unplug his computer and put it in the garden when he next visits the toilet.

rainbowstardrops · 25/10/2015 11:13

Jeez. I was about to say you just need to sit him down and talk things through but since you've posted about his reaction to your 'talk' and your diagnosis then I think he's being a prize arse!!!
A bloody college course is NOTHING compared to a shocking diagnosis and worrying about family! That comes first every time!!!
I'd tell him you need a break to see if you can overlook this appalling behaviour. Flowers

Ebayaholic · 25/10/2015 11:16

I'm not a regular poster but I'm so angry on your behalf that I had to rescind my lurker status.

You seem to be agreeing with him that he is under more pressure than you. Maybe he had told you so many times that this is the case, that you've started to believe him?

Realise that your stress is equal to his and get angry.

There is no way this man will realise what a cushy number he actually has unless you show him by withdrawing your support.

Your life would be so much easier without him, and this should not be the case.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 25/10/2015 11:26

Hang on, you are building a business to not only support your Dc, but him through a levels, then I assume uni? You are ill, with dc? Firstly, a levels should not be requiring that level of input, (dd is doing them, her friends applying for medicine, so maths and three sciences,others Oxbridge applicants,don't have that level of stress) something else is up. Added to that HIS illness-advanced entitled cocklodgeritis with added head firmly up his own arse.
Next time he is out, dump his shit on doorstep, with his precious lap top and phone and change the locks.

DoreenLethal · 25/10/2015 13:23

He's refused saying he can't be away from his desk as he's got too much college work to do.

1 assignment due in a month?

Is the house mortgaged or rented? In whose names?

Original poster
Upawall · 25/10/2015 13:38

Sorry for lack of update but I've been busy with the kids. The house is rented and in both names.

He's been downstairs to make a brew and asked if we could talk. I told him how I felt and he listened but then argued most of it. I asked him to leave for a few days to give me time to think but he refused saying it's not what he wants, and anyway all his college stuff is here. I'm happy he's going to college and I support him but I swear he's being so obsessive with it that it's starting to make me feel resentment.

I asked him if he could just try and balance his time more effectively but he jut huffed and went back upstairs. I can't even get round to addressing the name calling and temper if he's not willing to see any view point other than his own

OP posts:
Hotbot · 25/10/2015 15:37

You need to find a way of getting him out can you go to your rental agency and get him off the rental agreement , then you can get him out ?

LuluJakey1 · 25/10/2015 16:28

He is vile. Honestly, he is. He is selfish and self-obsessed.

Georgethesecond · 25/10/2015 16:34

"All of his college stuff"? What's that - one boxful and a laptop? Pillock.

Handywoman · 25/10/2015 17:46

He is a knob of the highest order. I would box up 'all his college stuff' and insist that he leaves temporarily. You are being a bit too reasonable, OP, the way he behaved/spoke to you last night was unforgivable and of he is not contrite he should go. Not being able to balance his commitments/manage his time is a big issue, yes, but the way he behaved is worse.

AyeAmarok · 25/10/2015 17:54

Pack up his laptop and books and send him on his way. He will always be someone who has to play top trumps and win, regardless of what you have going on. That will never be a supportive team-mate. He will never be on your side, or in your corner.

NickiFury · 25/10/2015 20:30

Once a person starts speaking to their significant other like this it rarely stops. It's a habit that is formed and becomes entrenched very quickly especially if that's the example they grew up with. It's normal to them. The only thing that might work is swift, strenuous action. End the relationship, do not allow him to feel that there is any way back. He has to know you mean it. He needs a huge shock and to know that if he treats you like that the relationship is OVER and his life will no longer be the same. I hope you can manage to do it.

Arcadia · 25/10/2015 20:39

I think people are jumping a bit quickly to say turf him out. Life is never that simple. Legally it is not that simple either ( I am a family lawyer). I also say this as someone who has had a very similar experience in the past with My DP who I am still with. He shouted at me and lost his temper a couple of times when quite depressed when our DD was a similar age - 4 years ago, but is still occasionally quite grumpy more than angry now. I think he felt trapped and inadequate. I did ask him to leave once but he said he had nowhere to go and just looked so bleak that I didn't push it. Over time things improved, DD got easier, life got better for all of us, he also attended a dad's parenting course which really helped him. I think the difference is though that DP never blamed me overtly (although there was that sense of resentment). Am just wondering if your DP has the insight to see he is projecting onto you and it is not your fault, and that he has his own issues? If no insight then it will be tricky. I think he needs to see the GP if he is struggling so much at the beginning of his course, but maybe it is more of a parenting crisis?