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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you handle this?

79 replies

Upawall · 25/10/2015 07:26

I'll make this short but honestly any advice would be very much appreciated.

Been with dp 5 years we have a 1 year old dc. I work part time and am starting my own business. He works 35 hours a week and is also doing a college course to get him in to uni as he wants to do a degree.

I know it sounds like we must be so busy but it's all perfectly manageable if dp were to calm down a little. Here's the problem.

For the last few weeks he's been increasingly moody, irritable and snappy. Because he's out of the house so much I've been doing 90% of the house chores. He's criticising the way I'm doing this (washing has been done quick enough, complaining he's sick of the bedroom being a mess and making comments when the baby was pointing at the goody draw "I bet you're just allowed to eat biscuits all day")

I actually was happy with how things were going. Baby only sleeps for 1 hour a day and I use this time to get some work done for my business. When he's awake we play and read and I'll do a bit of cleaning when I get the chance.
Dp comes home from college r work and goes straight up to his desk and does college work or partakes in his hobby. I feel I'm being sportive by not placing demands on him when he comes home.

Yesterday he was chatting about something his tutor had told him. I already have a degree in the subject he's learning and told him he should double check as what he was saying was wrong as far as I could remember. He erupted in anger shouting that I was talking down to him and that he would rather listen to his tutor than listen to me. I really wasn't meaning to talk down to him, it was just chit chat I thought.
He was quiet for the rest of the day, he's been given an assignment which has to be handed in, in 4 weeks but he seems to think he needs to get it done on his 2 days off this weekend. So I took the baby away and gave him space.

Last night in bed we were chatting and he asked what was wrong with me. I told him I felt he'd been unduly moody and a bit snappy with me. Told him I know he's under pressure but maybe he could try and enjoy his time with his family too. He jumped up in anger and went down stairs. I listened as he walked Oundle shouting and swearing. Lots of it was inaudible but I heard this "fuckin bitch, the only time I'm unhappy is when I come home to you, you miserable fuckin cunt"
He slept on the sofa then went to bed when I came downstairs with baby this morning.

He knows I can't stand the c word as I find it the most offensive thing he can call me.

Should I talk to him or leave him be? I'm angry but don't want it to end up in a repeat of last night.

OP posts:
Hotbot · 25/10/2015 08:13

Do you wonder if he is staying with you because you will support him financially?with this behaviour I wonder if once he finishes the course and gets a job he will leave ?
I'm sorry but you sound very clever, switched in and successful why would you want to put up with his lack of respect ?

Hotbot · 25/10/2015 08:16

And not being dismissive but if he is spending this much time on 2 a level courses and behaving in this way what will he be like doing a degree?

CantAffordtoLive · 25/10/2015 08:17

I agree with Doreen.

Upawall · 25/10/2015 08:18

No I don't think he would plan to leave as I do believe he loves me and usually I feel he loves being a part of our family. I think it's more that he isn't coping well with pressure and being inconsiderate of the fact I'm under pressure too.

The way he speaks to me is intolerable tho and I'll be affirming this when I speak to him. Growing up his dad had an awful temper and there was lots of shouting. That's not an excuse for him but possibly a reason why he thinks this is 'normal '

Thats not a life I'm willing to have tho

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 25/10/2015 08:26

Er - you don't call someone you love a miserable fucking cunt. Sorry OP. I suspect as well he is using you.

Handywoman · 25/10/2015 08:27

I think if he isn't totally contrite and horrified this morning at his behaviour, your best bet would be to throw him out temporarily to give 1) you the space to think about whether this relationship meets your needs longterm (particularly as he intends to do a degree so the pressure isn't going away any time soon) and b) give him the space to think about his attitude to you and what he really stands to lose.

Just state all this calmly, to him, because he has crossed a line. Good luck OP Thanks

Upawall · 25/10/2015 08:36

Thank you so much for all your replies. I value everyone of them regardless of opinion or view point. I'll be speaking with him when he gets up and I will of course report back x

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 25/10/2015 08:48

I'd be having a look at that phone before he gets up.

Only1scoop · 25/10/2015 08:50

But you are living 'that life' Op

Make the changes sooner rather than later.

LuluJakey1 · 25/10/2015 08:57

I could not live with someone who used those terms about me. I just could not.

Thattimeofyearagain · 25/10/2015 09:03

I'd tell him to pack a bag ( and have done with dh in the past) he needs a wake up call.

Whocansay · 25/10/2015 09:35

I would ask him to move out for a bit so you can both decide if you want to be together.

He's sounding like a bit of a cocklodger though.

Joysmum · 25/10/2015 09:46

I usually start any conversation with something like...

'I love you and appreciate you have a lot on your plate atm but so do I. We need to work out a way to.... Because this isn't making either of us happy'.

If I don't get the acknowledgement and apologies this should prompt and a willingness to talk about how to improve things then I'd go down the road of laying down the law and giving ultimatums. It's preferable to have a duscussion first though rather than raising the stakes immediately.

Of course if he can't enter into a reasonable discussing with that opening THEN I'd be only the next stage of demands and getting really bloody angry

riverboat1 · 25/10/2015 09:52

He's got you in a position where you can't talk to him about how his behaviour is making you feel because he just storms off and escalates it to even WORSE behaviour. So I don't see how you solve this issue. Even if he listens to you once and takes things on board for a while, do you think it could be a lasting change? What happens when he slips back into old habits and you have to try to talk to him again? Hell probably start saying you're a nag and never happy...

Upawall · 25/10/2015 10:30

Well that didn't go very well at all.

I took on board some of your suggestions and unfortunately the situation went from bad to worse.

He came to apologise first and asked for a hug. I gave him a hug and told him I was worried about him. From memory this is how it went

Me- I'm worried about you. You don't seem your self and I know you're under a lot of pressure but I think we need to work together more.
Him- yes I am under pressure but you're adding to it.
Me- I don't mean to I'm trying to support you but the way you spoke to me last night was very hurtful.I heard what you said when you were shouting downstairs
Him- good I'm glad you heard because every word of it was true
Me- look you still seem angry so maybe we should talk later
Him- no you need to realise you're not being supportive I'm under massive pressure and you're making it worse.
Me- don't you realise I'm under pressure too?

Him- you have no pressure and if you do its minimal, it pales in comparison to the pressures I'm facing.

Me- I'm worried about my diagnosis and what effect any deterioration may have on my ability to be a mum and provide for us financially
Him- yes well that's a pressure for me too as I'm worried about it but right now the main focus for both of us should be my college course.

Then I walked away shaking my head and he got angry. He threw his cereal bowl in to the sink and began storming round the house shouting and punching doors. Screaming that I was a piss taker and lots of other inaudible stuff.

Finally he came down and asked if we could talk. I asked him to pack a bag and leave to which he refused. He went on to say

Him-I'm sorry you're worried about your diagnosis but I am too and I ask you all the time how you're feeling but you're not supporting me. I need to focus on college and you're not letting me.
Me- I was prepared to support you but I can't accept you talking to me like this. I know you're under pressure but you shouldn't be taking it out on me
Him- I don't think you're coping with the pressure of staying home with baby. You have minimal pressures and you're not coping.

Me- I'm coping very well thank you stop criticising me
Him- well when I have baby I guarantee the house I'll be clean and he won't eat biscuits and he won't lose his dummys either (baby has a habit of posting them out the letter box)
Me- I want you to go

He hasn't left
He's refused saying he can't be away from his desk as he's got too much college work to do. So now I'm downstairs and he's upstairs working on his chemistry assignment

It's a joke

OP posts:
Upawall · 25/10/2015 10:32

I actually can't believe what has just happened. I'm beginning to think he has a mental disorder

OP posts:
HexBramble · 25/10/2015 10:33

OP I missed the bit about your diagnosis? What is it?

Not impressed at his reaction Sad

loveyoutothemoon · 25/10/2015 10:35

He is highly stressed. Could you have the day apart?

Thattimeofyearagain · 25/10/2015 10:35

Do you have any friends/ relatives who could come and back you up ?

Upawall · 25/10/2015 10:36

I cant really say too much.

I've been diagnosed with an inoperable tumour. I've been having treatment for 6 months but it seems to be settled at the moment. Doesn't mean it's not in the back of my mind tho

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 25/10/2015 10:38

I'm sorry that's awful. Sounds like you're dealing with it much better than him. Sounds like you need to get him to leave his work alone for an hour and open up and tell you how he's feeling.

Upawall · 25/10/2015 10:41

No I've no interest in speaking to him. I'm doing my best to hold the house together. My main focus is on my children and my health. I support his college work but it's never going to be my main focus. If this is what he's asking from me there's no point in any conversation I'm afraid. It seems we hold different values

OP posts:
Handywoman · 25/10/2015 10:42

Hmmm the mental disorder that springs to mind is Arsehole.

Can you get out and see a friend today? Get some support? Can you stay away?

He actually sounds horrible. Pressure or no pressure, that's who he is being - an arsehole. I'm so sorry, OP. It's not acceptable.

Upawall · 25/10/2015 10:43

And even though I am facing massive uncertainty with regards my health (will I be able to work much longer, will I have the strength to run my new business, will I even be around for my kids) I'm still pushing forward and aiming for a better future. If he can't see that then he really isn't worth my time and attention

OP posts:
HexBramble · 25/10/2015 10:46

So. Let me get this straight OP:

You've been diagnosed with an inoperable tumour. You do the majority of housekeeping, parenting and are prepared to support your DP when he gets to Uni.

He calls you a miserable fucking cunt and is still blaming you this morning?

Why is he still focusing on biscuits and losing dummies?! This doesn't sound good at all. It's sounding very fractured.

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