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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hate that I'm in an unfair relationship but feel so stuck

87 replies

Candycrushed11 · 23/10/2015 23:16

I know I need to LTB - bottom line, that is what I need to do.
I've name changed as posted a while back about him, but if anyone does happen to recognise the details please please don't say..

We are broke. Only I work, part time even though I have mental health problems. He won't get a job and will only do his music.

He has decided he's going to a gig in a few weeks, overnight. Its going to cost around £60-£70. I asked him today while he was busy booking his tickets where the money has come from...he was very defensive and says its HIS spending money that everyone's entitled to. I tried to gently point out that I'm working to pay the bills in a job I DETEST which he knows.

It escalated, he basically told me to be quiet as hes concentrating on booking his tickets. I called myself a name out of frustration and because I'm so down on myself, he then got our son involved and started swearing and saying "Mum is a fucking nightmare isn't she" for causing all this and that I like to argue, that I've wound him up so have caused him now to be so nasty. He then demanded I pay for new guitar strings for all of his guitars and I need to work a few more hours to pay for them - I said in front of my son that he better get a job then to pay for them - he went mad and said "Do I look like a fucking loser to you? You think I'm the kind of twat that actually has to get a job?".
I said he is a terrible role model and he got even angrier, saying hes a brilliant role model for not putting up with some crappy minimum wage job. Great! Can't wait to go to work on Monday. He then said he'll be spending our rent money on guitar strings and I'll have to work more to cover this.

I told him I want him out and he said he's not going anywhere. I said I want us to split up, he said "You know where the door is"...

I'm so infuriated and trapped, its weighing on my mind that I'm teaching my son a terrible example about relationships, what a mess I am in :(

Sorry for long post! Please can anyone hold my hand??

OP posts:
MagersfonteinLugg · 23/10/2015 23:21

Are you renting? Whose name is the house in? If yours, kick him out. If his leave tomorrow and get somewhere else.
My blood is boiling reading your post. What a cocklodger.

shutupanddance · 23/10/2015 23:23

Practicalities, get them in order. Get rid.

RandomMess · 23/10/2015 23:24

He's being abusive phoning Womens Aid and going to a refuge with your dc is an option.

BrandNewAndImproved · 23/10/2015 23:24

Cam you kick him out. Whats your situation with buying/renting/council. If he's on a joint tenancy it might be harder.

Have you got a dad or big big brother to come round and get him to leave?

Vixxfacee · 23/10/2015 23:26

He's abusing you.

kittybiscuits · 23/10/2015 23:26

He will not give you permission to leave him. He will not turn round and admit that he is an abusive arsehole. That is a horrendous situation for you and for your son. You just have to dig deep and leave him. It's terrifying. But you will never regret it.

Original poster
Candycrushed11 · 23/10/2015 23:26

Cocklodger defines him. He embodies that word. I am done with feeling nostalgic about all our years together, feeling a failure for not being strong enough to 'get' him and tolerate him. I want a fair life, where I can be the woman I know is cowering underneath. I feel anger cursing through me.

We're renting and its in both of our names, he's never laid a finger on me so would have a hard time just kicking him out. I love my home and don't want to leave :(

Sorry if I come across as weak, I am honestly fighting.

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 23/10/2015 23:26

If the flat is in his name, just leave.

If the flat is in your name, serve notice on your landlord that you are canceling the lease.

Either way don't bother telling him. look for someplace else or ask family/friends if you can stay with them and move out as soon as the notice is served. Have friends come and move your stuff out.

You might have to wait a few weeks to get him out of your life but that is all. you can be free of him. You'll still have to work because he is clearly useless but at least you won't be supporting him too and putting up with his shit.

I'd be tempted to sell his guitars when he was out of the house myself.

I bet he is a weed smoker too.

Shakey15000 · 23/10/2015 23:28

You know what you need to do. For you AND your son. Please don't subject you both to this type of abuse. Dig deep and start making plans to either get him out or get you and your son out. It will be hard but it's the only right thing to do here. There is tons of great advice here, access it, plan it, use it, do it, then live it. You both deserve better. Much, much better. Good luck.

BrandNewAndImproved · 23/10/2015 23:29

The council will help with a deposit. You won't be able to turn up and say you've left your bf can you house me but they will help with private renting and deposits. If you don't earn enough to cover the rent they have a list of landlords that take hb clients as well.

Have you got any family that you could stay with?

PoundingTheStreets · 23/10/2015 23:30

He is abusing you. Sad

And I'm not surprised you feel week, powerless and apathetic about changing things, even though you recognise it's wrong and can't continue. Abuse has that effect.

The thing is, you're actually very strong. You've had to be in order to cope with the fall out from his cocl-lodging abusive behaviour. Without you, the whole thing would have imploded a long time ago.

You can do this you know.

Let him go for his gig. Use the time to organise your escape.

If you've got RL support to get through this, start calling on it now.

Best of luck. Flowers

Original poster
Candycrushed11 · 23/10/2015 23:32

Thanks so much, amazing that I'm sitting in my own house and the lovely people on mumsnet are more caring than my own partner :( I am so grateful for your replies x

Has anyone here done this? Left, with kids and what is it like? I am so scared, and scared that he'll have my son some of the time but I won't be there with him as he needs me and is happy around me.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 23/10/2015 23:32

Oh yes - he'll be away overnight. That's a perfect opportunity! You actually completely know what to do!

category12 · 23/10/2015 23:33

Are you married?

You need to detangle finances urgently. Set up a sole account if you haven't one, and shift any tax credits and your wages into it. You can set up a basic account online. Transfer your money out of any joint account and don't let him have access.

Can you make him leave? Or change locks while he's away if the tenancy/house is in your name. If it's not in your name at all and not married, might be worth just up and leaving.

RandomMess · 23/10/2015 23:39

Do you really think he'll bother with DS?

I would arrange for childcare for him on the quiet so you do need your STBX for anything.

Original poster
Candycrushed11 · 23/10/2015 23:39

We're not married, no but have some joint finances. I would not even worry about money if not with him, as that is fixable and I'd be feeling stronger hopefully about working towards a better job.

Ok - I have a friend a few doors down I can stay with anytime. I might just go but my son hates being anywhere else overnight. He has OCD, he's such a sensitive boy, I'm crying right now because I love him so much and he knows the situation and sees his dad treats me terribly and said earlier:

"Mum if I could work and help you I would, wish I could be the man of the house".

You don't think I caused the argument earlier then? As he says I instigated it by questioning him.

OP posts:
MagersfonteinLugg · 23/10/2015 23:39

I know exactly what I'd be doing with those new guitar strings, and it would be a lot less cheaper than putting up with this plank.
House rented in joint names....can you approach LL and tell him you want to remove your name from the rent. I know you say you want to stay in property but with a canker like your DP to remove it might be better to just leave him to it.
Cannot get my head round guitar strings FFS.

Original poster
Candycrushed11 · 23/10/2015 23:40

RandomMess hes always said if I leave him he'll make sure he gets full custody of DS and say and do whatever it takes to make sure of that.

OP posts:
PoundingTheStreets · 23/10/2015 23:44

I left with two small DC and the clothes on my back. I made myself homeless (wasn't as terrible as it sounds, as I had a wonderful best friend who took me in until I found my feet). I'm not going to lie to you. It was scary, overwhelming and full of anxiety about housing, money, the effect on my DC, etc.

It was also, without a shadow of a doubt, the single most powerful thing I have ever done in my life to empower me with a sense of control over my own life and a belief that I could provide my DC a better start in life than the one I could give had I stayed.

TBH, despite the lack of money, the self-doubt and the practical upheaval, it's the best thing I ever did and I never looked back.

I think you could also find the same. Never underestimate the effort and skill involved in picking up the pieces of a shitty partner. When you no longer have to do that and can focus that effort on yourself and your DC, the rewards are amazing!

MagersfonteinLugg · 23/10/2015 23:46

Full custody, no way. It's not about custody anymore, it's about parental responsibility. Your DH is just trying to scare you and the most he would get is 50/50.
TBH he'd probably get fed up with so much parental responsibility as it would get in the way of his " musical ability".

PoundingTheStreets · 23/10/2015 23:46

Lots of abusive men play the custody card. If they're the sort of men who plan nights away at gigs on the automatic assumption that you will be looking after DC without even asking you if it's ok, they're unlikely to go for full residency - they don't want the responsibility quite frankly. It's just another tool to beat you into submission with. Has he also told you that any time you've asked him to have DC so you can do something that you're 'taking advantage' or 'not putting DC' first by any chance?

Original poster
Candycrushed11 · 23/10/2015 23:48

MagersfonteinLugg I know, guitar strings Angry he always does this if I challenge him, he starts saying he'll buy ridiculous things and I'll have to pay the money back.

Oh wow PoundingTheStreets thats very inspiring Flowers
I think you are amazing and strong, so glad its worked out for you since leaving.

OP posts:
Shakey15000 · 23/10/2015 23:50

Oh bless your DS. You could say (in a child appropriate way) that what would be a massive help would be him being brave for a while etc (regarding staying with your friend or elsewhere) because it will be strange/scary for him BUT he will also learn that there are choices in life, and that no-one has to put up with being treated badly.

As well as separating finances, you need to disassociate yourself emotionally when the split is made. As in, not get drawn into emotional conversations/text exchanges. Be emotion less, factual.

Original poster
Candycrushed11 · 23/10/2015 23:50

True about the parental responsibility getting in the way of the music, yes.

Not in so many words Pounding, but if we're not especially getting on and I have something planned he will say hes also going out and therefore won't be able to look after DS so I have to cancel :(

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 23/10/2015 23:54

you're unmarried and you control all the money - he can leave. Take control of the money and stop giving him a penny. He is abusing you.