Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Hate that I'm in an unfair relationship but feel so stuck

87 replies

Candycrushed11 · 23/10/2015 23:16

I know I need to LTB - bottom line, that is what I need to do.
I've name changed as posted a while back about him, but if anyone does happen to recognise the details please please don't say..

We are broke. Only I work, part time even though I have mental health problems. He won't get a job and will only do his music.

He has decided he's going to a gig in a few weeks, overnight. Its going to cost around £60-£70. I asked him today while he was busy booking his tickets where the money has come from...he was very defensive and says its HIS spending money that everyone's entitled to. I tried to gently point out that I'm working to pay the bills in a job I DETEST which he knows.

It escalated, he basically told me to be quiet as hes concentrating on booking his tickets. I called myself a name out of frustration and because I'm so down on myself, he then got our son involved and started swearing and saying "Mum is a fucking nightmare isn't she" for causing all this and that I like to argue, that I've wound him up so have caused him now to be so nasty. He then demanded I pay for new guitar strings for all of his guitars and I need to work a few more hours to pay for them - I said in front of my son that he better get a job then to pay for them - he went mad and said "Do I look like a fucking loser to you? You think I'm the kind of twat that actually has to get a job?".
I said he is a terrible role model and he got even angrier, saying hes a brilliant role model for not putting up with some crappy minimum wage job. Great! Can't wait to go to work on Monday. He then said he'll be spending our rent money on guitar strings and I'll have to work more to cover this.

I told him I want him out and he said he's not going anywhere. I said I want us to split up, he said "You know where the door is"...

I'm so infuriated and trapped, its weighing on my mind that I'm teaching my son a terrible example about relationships, what a mess I am in :(

Sorry for long post! Please can anyone hold my hand??

OP posts:

FantasticButtocks · 23/10/2015 23:55

But you are the one paying the rent, presumably, if he's not working. So he can't afford to live there without you anyway. So he needs to go, surely?

PoundingTheStreets · 23/10/2015 23:59

Candy - you hold all the power here. You just can't see it because he's worked very hard to make you feel it's all your fault.

Only you work. You may have all the responsibility sweetheart, but you also have all the power. You don't rely on him for money. In fact, he's a drain on your resources.

Whose name is the tenancy in?

WorzelsCornyBrows · 24/10/2015 00:00

Candy I recognise you from your previous thread.

You have had good advice here. You're renting, can you explain to your landlord the situation and see if you can give notice on the lease and immediately sign up for a new lease just in your name? Does anyone know if that's possible/legal? If it is, once the new lease is in place you can kick him out.

This situation is incredibly abusive and your DS is suffering too, you need to end this as soon as possible, this man is no good

MagersfonteinLugg · 24/10/2015 00:00

He is a shit of the highest water.
Get him out. If he refuses to go , you go.
Do not listen to his threats, they are meaningless.

magoria · 24/10/2015 00:00

If you are not married can you open your own account and have your salary & bills paid into that. Go into bank and have ALL joint accounts/cards etc frozen so he cannot buy any more which you are linked to.

Anything he can then buy is in his name only and his debt.

LeaLeander · 24/10/2015 00:08

How does he even get his hands on your money, on your pay??? Put a stop to that now.

Get your child away from this vile abusive loser by any means necessary. Really. He is already damaged. You loving your present home is immaterial.

category12 · 24/10/2015 00:12

Op, he won't go for residency of the dc, it's pure bullshit to control you. It would interfere with his desired lifestyle.

Do it for yourself and for your ds - he can see it's all wrong already - don't let him get brainwashed by seeing you accept this.

Original poster

Candycrushed11 · 24/10/2015 00:15

Anything I earn pretty much goes towards bills, so that's how he gets some of it. He works out all the bills too as he's better at organisation believe it or not. I will contact the landlord and explain everything, see if there can be any flexibility with the lease.

I know my son is damaged and I'm responsible for that :( I pretty much live for him, I do my best to be a good role model to him and we have a good relationship - believe me I have tried to leave a few times in the past. I know it can take a few attempts sometimes to leave an abusive relationship, not that I want to be a statistic.

I'll ring Women's Aid tomorrow, need their help I think. Thanks all, I'm grateful for every single reply

OP posts:

Katarzyna79 · 24/10/2015 00:16

I second what lealeander said, unless you want a damaged kid and adult child like me then to hell with the home its nothing but mortar and bricks. A real home embodies love and is a safe haven.

I think you are afraid my mother was and you are making excuses, I don't blame you he has broken you down. For the sake of your child if nothing else leave him, get another rental, I wouldn't stay there he will just harass you even if he moves out.

takecare of yourself and child things will only get worse if you stay.

tribpot · 24/10/2015 00:19

What do you mean, works out all the bills? Don't you just pay a fixed amount monthly? Are you sure he's working these bills out and not skimming off the top?

Do you have a joint account? How does he get access to discretionary spending money?

Original poster

Candycrushed11 · 24/10/2015 00:29

Yeah usually our bills are fixed amounts, I mean he worked them out previously and direct debits and the like are stored by date in his calendar. He reminds me when to pay what in as they go out of his account. No joint account. His parents help out a lot and 'lend' him money quite often, also he puts stuff on his credit card then they help with minimum payments.

I know Katarzyna I'm making excuses :( I can't just get another rental, I have no savings and the council around here don't help with deposits anymore, they've done away with that scheme now.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 24/10/2015 00:32

He is abusive. I'm glad you plan to call Women's Aid tomorrow, please do.

Do you have a joint account? If so you need to empty it, then close or freeze it. Make sure your salary is going into your account and not a joint one. And if you have any standing orders set up, transferred money from your account to his or the joint one, cancel them now.

Ask your landlord if it's possible to change the lease so it's in your name only. Explain that you've been paying all the rent and bills and your cunty partner is unemployed. If the landlord agrees to take your partner's name off the lease, you will be able to stay there and get him to move out.

NameChange30 · 24/10/2015 00:33

Ah sorry cross posts. Does that mean you pay money into his account so that he pays the rent and bills? Are all the utility accounts in his name or in joint names?

NameChange30 · 24/10/2015 00:33

You definitely need to change the arrangement so that you start paying things directly, rather than paying him so he can pay.

Original poster

Candycrushed11 · 24/10/2015 00:42

Hi Emma yes exactly that, I will transfer money to cover bills etc and usually he has nothing to spend on himself except credit card or bank of mum and dad. Utility bills in joint name, lease on house in joint names too.

Will def contact landlord and WA tomorrow, I am fighting against this with everything I am, and others have pointed out the house is nothing compared to being abused, that is true and if I had a place to go that was just mine and DS's I would go tomorrow.

OP posts:

Katarzyna79 · 24/10/2015 00:55

sorry for being harsh Candy I just cant stand hearing about abuse I know of a case in my family which is very severe yet she wont do anything but shes always crying when I see her I don't know what to do she says no to everything.

At least you are working and independent that is something I hope you can kick him off the lease

Thinking of you, hang in there!

Tartypants · 24/10/2015 00:56

Shelter are really good for housing advice (0808 800 4444). I think there is some sort of order you can get to decide who stays and who goes if your relationship has broken down, maybe Occupation Orders? Please get advice before you do anything, whether you want to stay or go you may have more options than you think. Your Council may consider you homeless if you are leaving an abusive relationship, even if it is not violent. Your DP is calling you a f**king nightmare in front of your child, that to me is abusive, to your DC as much as to you, and it's your job to protect him from that. Try not to let working out the ideal thing to do paralyse you into doing nothing - I did that for ages and it didn't help anyone.
Fwiw, he does sound like the sort of twat that needs to get a job. Fizzing! Really. How very dare he!

cozietoesie · 24/10/2015 00:58

I remember your previous thread - and my blood is also boiling reading your OP on this one.

Best of luck tomorrow with the landlord and WA. Come back and let people know how you get on.

Original poster

Candycrushed11 · 24/10/2015 01:17

I deserve people being harsh to me so am fine to hear whatever I need to. Thanks for all the advice re housing options. I promise that I'm not burying my head in the sand and minimizing the effect this is having. I'm currently shivering and feeling very sick, I think I have cystitis too and got period type pains and running to the loo every5 mins and it stings. I don't feel well at all
Been crying on and off tonight. I promise to update tomorrow, thanks all for the amazing support, its got me through x

OP posts:

TendonQueen · 24/10/2015 01:35

Landlords often have many properties. Ask if he has another free you could move to, take over that lease and come off your old one. And the full custody thing is mentioned a lot on here - they don't follow through, it's just a threat they know is effective because it worries people.

TeamBacon · 24/10/2015 01:41

Candy - just wanted to say that you sound really strong, really capable, and so aware you know what you need to do... It's disentangling that's the problem. Work that one out, and you'll be free. Xxx

Writerwannabe83 · 24/10/2015 01:53

It can be hard to leave but you will feel so, so much better when you do.

About 4 years ago I went to visit my sister as I normally do and out of nowhere she told me she was leaving her long-term partner of 10 years. They also had two children together aged 4 and 7. She told me he was cheating on her and had been financially and emotionally abusing her for months. I was absolutely gobsmacked.

I asked her where she was going to go and she told me she was going to leave the children with her partner and she'd ask our dad if she could stay with him.

I said in no uncertain terms was she leaving the children and they were all to come and stay with me. I went back two days to collect them and she only told her partner that morning that she was leaving him.

It was very hard for her, she moved around different family members houses and friends houses for months whilst she tried to find a place she could rent and she turned to my dad for some financial help when it came to putting down a deposit for her own place.

It was a very difficult three months but she knew she had to do it because the children were being affected by being in such a hostile environment. The children ultimately adapted really well, they even had to move schools as a result of the split but they were brilliant about it.

My sister and the children are in a lovely house and they are all so happy. Their dad sees them maybe one afternoon a week but that's about the depth of his interest. My sister met a new man who is fantastic, they are engaged and my sister's children adore him.

You can and will be happy again.

Please turn to your friends and family because they will so badly want to help. I wish my sister had opened up to much earlier than she did but she said she'd felt stuck and there was no way out anyway.

There is always a way and you will find yours

Want2bSupermum · 24/10/2015 02:04

I'm a LL. I think I remember your old thread. I would have no issues with changing the lease to your name only. If they give you any issues tell them that if you leave they won't be getting any rent from you and he doesn't have a job or the funds to pay for the owed rent. Get him out.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/10/2015 04:10

I remember your prior thread. I'm the one who has the son who was involved in the music scene and later gave up trying to be a 'rock star'.

I suggest that as of now you stop transferring any money into his account if he spends the bill money on himself. Tell him it's just too bad, from now on he'll have to find the money himself. Then try to sit down and learn to be more organized so you can pay the bills yourself. You'll need to be able to do that when you get his sorry arse out anyway.

If you can't get your landlord to change the lease for you, you really do need to leave. There are lots of lovely places to live and you'll find another one you love.

And as far as him getting custody of DS, do you really think that someone as feckless as him is going to want full 24/7 responsibility for a child? No way, it'd cramp his 'style'. He's just threatening that to keep you from leaving. No one likes it when the 'gravy train' pulls out of the station and leaves them on the platform!

Joysmum · 24/10/2015 04:15

I'm a LL and suggest that you contact your LL to see if you can give notice on the tenancy, or to ask if an early termination is possible to then enable you to set up a new agreement as sole tenant.

Given you're the wage earner I'm guessing the credit checks and tenancy was granted based on your earnings (unless his parents helped or went as guarantors?).

It way not be as simple as just ending the old and starting the new. There may be costs involved as its not a simple process and will cost the the LL in time and money. Many landlords, myself included, prefer as many adults as possible as tenants to give more people to chase for unpaid rent or other costs.

Also there would need to be an inspection against the inventory and a refund if the deposit if this was in both names then a new deposit scheme opened in your name only.

The LL may also want to do another credit check to give up to date info before agreeing to a sole tenancy.

You may also leave yourself open to an increase in rent for the new tenancy depending on your landlord.

Despite all of these points, I do think that this is probably the best bet if you are prepared to be tied in to another fixed term agreement. I say this as some tenants appreciate the flexibility of a rolling contract after the end of the fixed term period.

Best of luck

Flip

1 2 3 4