Hate that I'm in an unfair relationship but feel so stuck

[Candycrushed11]

I know I need to LTB - bottom line, that is what I need to do.
I've name changed as posted a while back about him, but if anyone does happen to recognise the details please please don't say..

We are broke. Only I work, part time even though I have mental health problems. He won't get a job and will only do his music.

He has decided he's going to a gig in a few weeks, overnight. Its going to cost around £60-£70. I asked him today while he was busy booking his tickets where the money has come from...he was very defensive and says its HIS spending money that everyone's entitled to. I tried to gently point out that I'm working to pay the bills in a job I DETEST which he knows.

It escalated, he basically told me to be quiet as hes concentrating on booking his tickets. I called myself a name out of frustration and because I'm so down on myself, he then got our son involved and started swearing and saying "Mum is a fucking nightmare isn't she" for causing all this and that I like to argue, that I've wound him up so have caused him now to be so nasty. He then demanded I pay for new guitar strings for all of his guitars and I need to work a few more hours to pay for them - I said in front of my son that he better get a job then to pay for them - he went mad and said "Do I look like a fucking loser to you? You think I'm the kind of twat that actually has to get a job?".
I said he is a terrible role model and he got even angrier, saying hes a brilliant role model for not putting up with some crappy minimum wage job. Great! Can't wait to go to work on Monday. He then said he'll be spending our rent money on guitar strings and I'll have to work more to cover this.

I told him I want him out and he said he's not going anywhere. I said I want us to split up, he said "You know where the door is"...

I'm so infuriated and trapped, its weighing on my mind that I'm teaching my son a terrible example about relationships, what a mess I am in :(

Sorry for long post! Please can anyone hold my hand??

What a dick!

You can do this, honey. :)

Candy, when I said last night that this is affecting your DS and you need to leave, I didn't want you to start blaming yourself.

your DP is responsible for creating this abusive environment for your son, not you. Don't blame yourself. However, you and your son deserve better, you can't allow your DS to grow up thinking this is how you treat women. Don't allow your DS to turn into your DH, save him while you can. Just as important, save yourself, you deserve better

I think you'll find your MH problems lift significantly once this cocklodger is no longer your partner.

You can do it OP.

Some good advice on here, I'm sure if you talk to Women's Aid and your landlord you will have a much clearer idea of what to do next. I do hope you can change the lease to your name only, so you don't have to move, but if you do have to move I think it will be worth the upheaval to get this horrible abusive man out of your life.

In the meantime, since the lease and utility accounts are in joint names, you can contact them all to change the direct debits, so that you're paying directly rather than giving money to your partner for him to pay. I think that's a much safer option as it means you will regain control over your money and the bills. You might be surprised to find that the bills cost less than he claimed, and he has been asking for more money from you so he can spend it on himself.

OP, I remember you.

You don't deserve people being harsh to you, love. (Not that anyone has been!) You are in the habit of blaming yourself for everything, I see, no doubt because this cunty wankbadger has spent the last X years telling you that's how it is.

I feel confident that both yours and your son's mental health will improve dramatically once this bullying dickhole is out of your lives.

Please take the advice of the landlords on this thread and contact your LL to speak with them about changing to a sole lease and fucking him off.

If that isn't possible and you have to leave, make sure you give your landlord notice on the lease as otherwise they'll be chasing you for unpaid rent when your resident wankstain can't pay.

Do contact WA, and Shelter, and CAB. They will all help with various aspects.

Do you have any family who might be able to support you by helping out with a deposit?

Keep posting

It's only the practicalities left now not the decision about whether to leave or not. It seems you have decided absolutely rightly that you are far better out of this relationship. I agree go to women's refuge or even Citizens advice to get help on how to proceed with the least disruption to yourself and your DS. Don't tell him anything. He deserves nothing IMHO after his behaviour. Just quietly go ahead making plans.

Ffs candy. (meant in a get a grip and do something way)
Go to metro bank open a new account. They give you details and a crad before you walk out.
See HR Monday and give them new details for wages.
See council for new details for tax credit. ( or on line)
Close all joint accounts
Tell him to glnot spend, get a job , or fuck off....

"Mum is a fucking nightmare isn't she" ... "Do I look like a fucking loser to you? You think I'm the kind of twat that actually has to get a job?".

Holy shit. Talk about projecting his feelings of self-loathing and zero self worth onto you. As pp have said, you have all the power here. You earn all the money and there's no way in hell he'd ever get full custody of your DS. He's just trying to wear you down and stop you from doing the inevitable, which is leaving him. You're strong and you can do this and you deserve so much better.

Do you know/get on with his parents well and could you talk to them about the situation and let them know how it's affecting you and your DS? Presumably they know that he doesn't contribute anything to the household if they're still giving him handouts. Could he go and live with them?

You think I'm the kind of twat that actually has to get a job?

I hate this man. Get rid of him, op. He is poison.

Good luck op. You've made the decision to go, now it's just sorting the practicalities and your life is then on your terms. You can do it. Get rid of that sponging tosser. Good luck!

He sounds just like my ex, the father of my children. Years of emotional abuse, affairs and so on. One day I had enough and ended it. He went out and I just locked him out and never let him back in. He moved in with his parents and my tenancy was transfered into my name only.

I too suffered mental health problems, still had them when he left but I was fine and started to improve. It's been a few years now and my mental health is better then it's ever been and I'm happily married.

You can remove him from your life, he's scum of the earth and you deserve so much better :)

I'm sorry I disappeared for so long, had to go to hospital out of hours gp early this morning, I've got antibiotics for urine infection and other complications with my ongoing health issues. Been in bed on and off all day. I feel so weak, depressed and useless. I'm so grateful for every reply, will come back a bit later to respond properly but you're all right, I know what I need to do its just accessing the inner strength needed.

Oh and he's being so nice to me now today, just to fuck with my head a bit more I've not engaged with him.

You probably feel weak, depressed and useless purely because you are unwell at the moment. This is not likely to be a permanent state and is perfectly understandable under the circs. I've had a urinary infection in the past and I felt absolutely bloody wretched. Bide your time and make your plans.

Mr Nasty and then Mr Nice is turning on the charm to weaken your resolve and to maintain the status quo. You are and have been his long-term meal-ticket. He has not had a personality transplant! Self-interest has always been his by-word and always will be. Never forget this.

He's a lazy and selfish cunt. He will always be a lazy, selfish and abusive cunt. Remember that.

Of course he's being nice. He knows very well that he's skating on thin ice with you. That type always has a very keen 'sixth sense' for when they're on the verge of being chucked out. Just remember that the niceness will only last until he feels he's bullshitted (bullshat?) you back 'in line', then he'll revert to type. You don't need that roller coaster. You don't need HIM.

You rest. Tell him you feel too ill to talk or sit in the living room. Stay in the bedroom and read or sleep. Drink some nice hot tea and have some toast. You don't need to do anything today but try to feel better.

WTAF?
OP I hope you're able to leave this absolute cunt & move forward with your son. You deserve some peace & happiness. Good luck with sorting the practicalities & getting rid. You can totally do this.

The nice/nasty cycle is pretty standard. Another explosion of temper won't be far away.
I left my EA husband when my 4yr old DD started to defend me verbally against him and comfort me.
I got housing benefit and tax credits and rented a place privately and never looked back. The kids adapted well. They were 2 and 4 at the time and we left 3yrs ago. I'm now with a man who treats me like an equal, not a domestic slave. I'm not saying it will be easy, as the first year when we were divorcing was hellish. But it was worth it. You can do this. You owe it to yourself and your ds.

Oh darling, you can do this. It doesn't seem like it now bcs he's got you wound into his web - honestly, you are close to getting out!

I remember this time and it's the hardest time of it all. The confusion and fear are so strong - but it's because you're breaking through the forcefield he has wound around you,. The fact that you are struggling to this extent shows you actually ARE breaking through! Believe me on this. I know this from looking back and seeing it with clarity when it happened to me. You are no longer asleep, you are waking up and you are FIGHTING.

Step at a time. One after the other and you will be surprised how they add up and the ties that bind just fall away. Let everything go, you don't know how this is going to end up, but your absolute focus is to get you and ds out. It may end up much better than you think.

When you do get out, the ties that bind vanish, you will be amazed how 'easy' it was! The terrible bit is the run up and that's where you are now. It passes, I promise you, you are CLOSE.

Keep going darling

Thanks a million for the replies, I'm feeling awful that I've not posted til now but been so ill today, haven't been out of bed really and when I have DS has wanted to spend time with me. Thanks springdaffs for your lovely encouraging words.

Thank you to the landlords who have given me practical advice, our LL is a business, not a private arrangement so they're not open til Monday morning and I'll contact them then. I think they'll be sympathetic.

Thanks to posters who have shared personal experiences, writerwannabe thank goodness your sister had you there to help her when she needed it most, its lovely to read that she's recovered and happy again now. Matchsticks that sounds absolutely horrendous what you went through - again, so happy you've come out the other side with a positive story.

I've been too ill today to do anything concrete, I haven't spoken to him all day except about very vague stuff, he's in the honeymoon phase now, its pretty predictable.

Next step is to go to my friends or sisters tomorrow and ring Women's aid from there so I'm safe to talk. I realise I'm frustrating to talk to because I haven't just left. I took the risk and posted this despite being terrified of being identified and worse, people thinking I'm weak and pathetic.

Someone asked about his family - no, they will support his viewpoint in a heartbeat, I'm the one with the problem(s) in their eyes, the fact that I do have mental health issues confirms their feelings that its me overreacting.

If anyone at all would like to share, I'd be interested to hear what actually pushed you to leave in the end, particularly if you suffered D abuse for many years? As its a weird paradox - I can see clearly when its someone else that its abuse and the answer is to just go, but with me I always feel this horrible doubt and am so scared.
Sorry, I really am a nightmare

No you're not a nightmare! We were all in the exact-same position.

He and his revolting family have tied you up like a chicken.

Google the Freedom Programme and get along to a group asap. That'll break the spell in record time. You'll meet ordinary women in a similar position; the teaching is second to none. Relaxed and nurturing environment, skilled facilitators. You don't have to stay, you can step outside any time. Facilitators know all about the force field that keeps you tied in.

I didn't do it in a week or even a month. It was a process. Drip drip info (no freedom programme in those days, mores the pity), gradual dawning. If you really want to know the moment the worm turned for me it was when we were cleaning the eurocamp mobile home for departure (how on earth I got the king to do that is anybody's guess...) and he used the cloth he'd just cleaned the toilet with to clean the sink bcs it was the only one left. He actually shrugged as if he had no choice. He of the exacting standards when it came to his own life.

Ridiculous? Yes. Especially with all the hell he'd put me through for years and years, the hideous mh problems I waded through at his hand (all gone when he went btw). But in that moment I felt contempt for him. I lost the Fear.

Mind, it was at the end of a long process. That was the moment the charade caved in. I saw him for the slug he was. The smoke and mirrors. The toothless, pathetic bully. Yuk.

Women's Aid lines are sadly busy during the day, hard to get through. Evening/night is best, 7pm-7am if possible?

They will anyway recommend the Freedom Programme as a first port of call. But do get to talk to them to get them onside. They are wonderful. THANK GOD for Women's Aid! And the Freedom Programme!

When I say I didn't do it in a week or even a month, I mean I didn't leave in a week or a month. It took longer than that. No Freedom Programme in those days to put a rocket up my bum! I crawled out of the cave by my fingernails. (I don't want to be dramatic here but I was DYING and it was survival that got me out; the survival instinct. Stronger than we think!)

Girl, I wonder if you have a problem with guilt. And obligation, and fear.

Google FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. The hallmark of an abusive relationship

No - you're not a nightmare and neither do I think you're weak and pathetic. You're actually holding it together and managing to plan in the middle of a difficult situation with an abusive and controlling man - and with a DS to think of also.

You're doing pretty well, really.

I'll tell you my story. My first marriage was abusive. It's funny but there really wasn't an 'incident' that pushed me over the edge to finally kick him out. It was as if suddenly, without warning, something in me just woke up out of nowhere and said 'Right, you're not doing this anymore, take action!!!'. I didn't say anything right away, I think because the awakening was so shocking to me, but he must have sensed my mentally pulling away, which I'd done before. When this happened his routine was to pick a fight, threaten to leave at which point 'old' me would cry and beg him to stay (daft cow I was). This time when he threatened to leave I looked him square in the eye and said "Fine, when are you leaving?". He honestly looked as if the teeny frightened kitten he was tormenting had turned into massive angry tiger (which was true!). But oddly enough, once I'd stood my ground and told him to fuck off & take off, the abuse abruptly stopped. I know this isn't true for many people and that it can actually make it worse, so don't assume your stbx will be the same. I think my ex was, at heart, more of a coward than a pure bully.

He hemmed and hawed, threatened and blustered but I stuck to my guns. We were renting a house from a friend of my grandparents and when he threatened to 'kick my arse out' I reminded him of that fact and asked him whose arse he thought would be kicked out if I went and talked to the LL. I told him I'd be 'kind' and give him the rest of the month (I think it was maybe a week or 10 days) to get the hell out of Dodge, which he did. The relief and absolute peace I felt once he was gone was beyond description. I remember coming home from work to my clean, empty house and walking from room to room just to acknowledge that he wasn't there and then actually cry with happiness.

We had no children and no assets and I was completely self-supporting so except for one time when we had to file taxes together (during which he tried to force himself on me) I haven't seen him since. It's been 38 years. I got some counseling and later met and married DH. We have two grown sons and life has been truly wonderful. Bumps in the road, naturally, that's life. But we've faced them together.

You can do this. It's hard and scary, but you really, truly can.