I posted a couple of times a few months ago about my marriage & as usual just hid it all under the carpet after good advice here. This year I turned 50 & also had my 25th wedding anniversary, which has really struck home. Half my life - I'm certain I cannot tolerate another 25 years with my husband.
When I look at it all logically & "from the outside" I know exactly what I would be advising someone else (my job includes marriage guidance at times!), but I just don't seem to have been able to get myself out. Pathetic, I know.
He is abusive - there has been violence in the past, stamping on me on occasion while I lay in bed, kicking me in the shins, twisting my ankle, but that stopped years ago, after an ultimatum. He did shove me into a bush on holiday this summer though while pissed & arguing. The usual "you made me so angry" - I do tend to push my luck & not back down.
He has broken things of mine in a temper, including my spectacles, over the years, recently shredded some school work of DS's as he didn't feel "included" - DS had been trying to get him to proofread it for days - in the end I did it as it had to be handed in & he felt this was undermining him - not the only copy thank goodness. Loads of arguments as I just can't hold my tongue when he's being an arse.
Lots of messing with my head, refusing to remember stuff that has definitely happened, refusing to believe things, twisting my words, getting angry over trivia then calming down suddenly as if nothing has happened, accusing me of lying & then the typical "you really are insane".
Boastful & bigoted about all sorts - he's one of the best drivers in the world, apparently - belittling of women "that bitch doesn't know what she's talking about", awful about immigrants, fat people, the poor etc. If I pull him up on anything he says "Weeeelllll" in a snidey voice. Aggressive driver & trying to make newly-qualified DS drive in a similar way - he refuses.
Blaming me for turning our son (nearly 18) against him "he's just like you - I wish I'd had all that time with him on the school runs when he was little". At the time he refused to regularly participate in school runs as he didn't want to be involved in the lift share I had going "I don't want other people's children kicking the car seats". Completely refutes this now though & says it was me that said that. DS is more like me because he simply is more like me & my side of the family in looks & personality, although he also resembles SIL's children. "I don't think he's mine". He is, guaranteed - let's have tests done - no.
Worrying me over the finances - we have a huge mortgage which eventually will be payed off but he is keen to borrow more to finance a house for DS once at Uni. I'd prefer to sell the small holiday cottage we have - he thinks this is ridiculous. Gets angry when I suggest selling a couple of his sports cars could pay off some of the mortgage, surely one fancy car is enough?
Hoarding - literally 30 years' worth of car magazines plus others relating to present & past hobbies in huge piles all over the place. Heaps of unopened Christmas presents (unwrapped but still in boxes), every greetings card he's ever received, unwanted clothes bulging from his wardrobe (he did chuck out six shirts & 3 pairs of trousers the other week as he'd run out of space - I had them in the charity shop in a trice!). Unopened post going back years. Most rooms in the house too full of clutter to be used for their intended purpose so he does paperwork (occasionally when he absolutely has to) on the kitchen able & gets cross if I'm trying to cook the dinner. Says he hates the mess too & yes we need to tidy the house but refuses to allow me to tackle it alone & won't do anything about it himself.
Empty promises about tackling the mess, the fact he would also like to have people round for dinner & to stay but we can't till the house is tidy (a very small select group is allowed, DS invites no-one at all as he is ashamed), of course I can have my own office (I've been waiting six years since going freelance). Says "If I tidied up you'd just moan about something else".
Jealousy - we did both have affairs some 14-15yrs ago during a particularly unpleasant phase, all dealt with, still drags it all up occasionally & very suspicious of my attending a local choir for the last couple of years, sure I'm carrying on with someone there. I say "come and see the geriatrics and the mostly women, if you're so bothered". He doesn't of course. Convinced I'm going to up & leave him once DS leaves home - "you women are all the same, never satisfied" - a couple of friends have recently left their husbands after long marriages.
Does virtually nothing around the house, although did actually make me a cup of coffee yesterday morning - first one this year & most likely the last - I have had a few cups of tea made fairly recently though - approximately three while on holiday. If I'm away he just doesn't bother to make himself a hot drink at all! "If you ever died or left me I'd just get a housekeeper".
Dominates the lounge/television/lighting - really annoyed if I want a bit of light on because I'm crocheting - only the side lights mind - "hurts his eyes, can't see the screen" - suggests I go & sit in the bedroom instead - I refuse as I don't see why I ought to behave like some blooming student! Choice of programme is invariably his - fortunately I like some of it, but not the bloody car stuff. The house is "his" of course as I work part time & earn much less, although we're both on the mortgage - doesn't appreciate any input that isn't financial but then mutters about colleagues' wives being much worse as most don't work at all outside the home.
Lots of low-grade control stuff going on like being habitually late for meals (although this has improved a lot lately, since I just started dishing up without him), not "allowing" me to start the dishwasher if he's still in the room as he hates the noise, but he "forgets" to put it on if I ask him to, sending me out of the kitchen if he's on the phone even if I'm in the middle of something - life would be much easier if he had an office he could actually USE - sigh!
Reading all of the above seems surreal, crazy that it has gone on so long, makes me think I ought to have left years ago. We do still have fun & get on really well at times, usually on holiday & after a few drinks. Not real life though, is it? Part of me thinks I've missed the chance now after all those years - I feel an idiot.
I'm really worried about how to disentangle everything. I could afford to rent somewhere while the financial stuff got sorted I suppose. I just know he will make things really difficult if I announce I'm leaving. he won't open post, won't sign documents, could very well damage things of mine, shred paperwork & cause a real nuisance. All of these things can be overcome, of course - I'm just scared.
Worried too about the fallout for DS - he's a big boy now though, thinks his father is unreasonable "he's the most selfish person I know", hates the arguments & refuses to be downtrodden by him. He also thinks I'm unreasonable because I nag about stuff - stuff that drives me nuts admittedly - agrees I need to stand up for myself more. He tries to hold his own at the dinner table but we both just get "you're WRONG, that's RUBBISH, I'm not discussing this any more - the conversation is OVER".
I don't need telling that it's awful or abusive, I just need to find the strength to make the move. I've been looking for places to rent & even looking up solicitors, which has really given me a lift. Nothing will happen till DS moves out, but I feel lighter just contemplating it as a reality.