Half my Life - very long, sorry in advance

[WitchWay]

I posted a couple of times a few months ago about my marriage & as usual just hid it all under the carpet after good advice here. This year I turned 50 & also had my 25th wedding anniversary, which has really struck home. Half my life - I'm certain I cannot tolerate another 25 years with my husband.

When I look at it all logically & "from the outside" I know exactly what I would be advising someone else (my job includes marriage guidance at times!), but I just don't seem to have been able to get myself out. Pathetic, I know.

He is abusive - there has been violence in the past, stamping on me on occasion while I lay in bed, kicking me in the shins, twisting my ankle, but that stopped years ago, after an ultimatum. He did shove me into a bush on holiday this summer though while pissed & arguing. The usual "you made me so angry" - I do tend to push my luck & not back down.

He has broken things of mine in a temper, including my spectacles, over the years, recently shredded some school work of DS's as he didn't feel "included" - DS had been trying to get him to proofread it for days - in the end I did it as it had to be handed in & he felt this was undermining him - not the only copy thank goodness. Loads of arguments as I just can't hold my tongue when he's being an arse.

Lots of messing with my head, refusing to remember stuff that has definitely happened, refusing to believe things, twisting my words, getting angry over trivia then calming down suddenly as if nothing has happened, accusing me of lying & then the typical "you really are insane".

Boastful & bigoted about all sorts - he's one of the best drivers in the world, apparently - belittling of women "that bitch doesn't know what she's talking about", awful about immigrants, fat people, the poor etc. If I pull him up on anything he says "Weeeelllll" in a snidey voice. Aggressive driver & trying to make newly-qualified DS drive in a similar way - he refuses.

Blaming me for turning our son (nearly 18) against him "he's just like you - I wish I'd had all that time with him on the school runs when he was little". At the time he refused to regularly participate in school runs as he didn't want to be involved in the lift share I had going "I don't want other people's children kicking the car seats". Completely refutes this now though & says it was me that said that. DS is more like me because he simply is more like me & my side of the family in looks & personality, although he also resembles SIL's children. "I don't think he's mine". He is, guaranteed - let's have tests done - no.

Worrying me over the finances - we have a huge mortgage which eventually will be payed off but he is keen to borrow more to finance a house for DS once at Uni. I'd prefer to sell the small holiday cottage we have - he thinks this is ridiculous. Gets angry when I suggest selling a couple of his sports cars could pay off some of the mortgage, surely one fancy car is enough?

Hoarding - literally 30 years' worth of car magazines plus others relating to present & past hobbies in huge piles all over the place. Heaps of unopened Christmas presents (unwrapped but still in boxes), every greetings card he's ever received, unwanted clothes bulging from his wardrobe (he did chuck out six shirts & 3 pairs of trousers the other week as he'd run out of space - I had them in the charity shop in a trice!). Unopened post going back years. Most rooms in the house too full of clutter to be used for their intended purpose so he does paperwork (occasionally when he absolutely has to) on the kitchen able & gets cross if I'm trying to cook the dinner. Says he hates the mess too & yes we need to tidy the house but refuses to allow me to tackle it alone & won't do anything about it himself.

Empty promises about tackling the mess, the fact he would also like to have people round for dinner & to stay but we can't till the house is tidy (a very small select group is allowed, DS invites no-one at all as he is ashamed), of course I can have my own office (I've been waiting six years since going freelance). Says "If I tidied up you'd just moan about something else".

Jealousy - we did both have affairs some 14-15yrs ago during a particularly unpleasant phase, all dealt with, still drags it all up occasionally & very suspicious of my attending a local choir for the last couple of years, sure I'm carrying on with someone there. I say "come and see the geriatrics and the mostly women, if you're so bothered". He doesn't of course. Convinced I'm going to up & leave him once DS leaves home - "you women are all the same, never satisfied" - a couple of friends have recently left their husbands after long marriages.

Does virtually nothing around the house, although did actually make me a cup of coffee yesterday morning - first one this year & most likely the last - I have had a few cups of tea made fairly recently though - approximately three while on holiday. If I'm away he just doesn't bother to make himself a hot drink at all! "If you ever died or left me I'd just get a housekeeper".

Dominates the lounge/television/lighting - really annoyed if I want a bit of light on because I'm crocheting - only the side lights mind - "hurts his eyes, can't see the screen" - suggests I go & sit in the bedroom instead - I refuse as I don't see why I ought to behave like some blooming student! Choice of programme is invariably his - fortunately I like some of it, but not the bloody car stuff. The house is "his" of course as I work part time & earn much less, although we're both on the mortgage - doesn't appreciate any input that isn't financial but then mutters about colleagues' wives being much worse as most don't work at all outside the home.

Lots of low-grade control stuff going on like being habitually late for meals (although this has improved a lot lately, since I just started dishing up without him), not "allowing" me to start the dishwasher if he's still in the room as he hates the noise, but he "forgets" to put it on if I ask him to, sending me out of the kitchen if he's on the phone even if I'm in the middle of something - life would be much easier if he had an office he could actually USE - sigh!

Reading all of the above seems surreal, crazy that it has gone on so long, makes me think I ought to have left years ago. We do still have fun & get on really well at times, usually on holiday & after a few drinks. Not real life though, is it? Part of me thinks I've missed the chance now after all those years - I feel an idiot.

I'm really worried about how to disentangle everything. I could afford to rent somewhere while the financial stuff got sorted I suppose. I just know he will make things really difficult if I announce I'm leaving. he won't open post, won't sign documents, could very well damage things of mine, shred paperwork & cause a real nuisance. All of these things can be overcome, of course - I'm just scared.

Worried too about the fallout for DS - he's a big boy now though, thinks his father is unreasonable "he's the most selfish person I know", hates the arguments & refuses to be downtrodden by him. He also thinks I'm unreasonable because I nag about stuff - stuff that drives me nuts admittedly - agrees I need to stand up for myself more. He tries to hold his own at the dinner table but we both just get "you're WRONG, that's RUBBISH, I'm not discussing this any more - the conversation is OVER".

I don't need telling that it's awful or abusive, I just need to find the strength to make the move. I've been looking for places to rent & even looking up solicitors, which has really given me a lift. Nothing will happen till DS moves out, but I feel lighter just contemplating it as a reality.

I think the real clincher though is the realisation that he will never improve, the mess will never go, we will never downsize & buy a dream house in retirement, he will never magically start doing nice things for me. Three cups of tea a year & the odd bunch of flowers really isn't enough.

About 10 years, could be more, ago I was upset about the mess & he said "I promise I will have the mess cleared within the next 3..."

I waited for him to say the word "months" as I thought "weeks" was pushing my luck

"...years". I burst into tears, & of course nothing has improved - we're knee deep in shit now, rather than just ankle deep.

Dear OP

This man is an abuser - he may have stopped the more violent abuse but if he recently pushed you over then I would worry he was about to start escalating again.

Can you contact Womens Aid and talk it through with them? They will understand exactly what you've been living with all this time and help you to make a plan to leave.

I second another poster who suggested leaving asap with DS, into rented. If you can only afford a one-bed, take it out in your name only and DS can camp on the settee for a while. It's not ideal but it is doable. Or just flat out ask DS what he would prefer? For you to stay put and you both to keep taking the abuse until DS moves out (to uni I assume), or to have a few months in cramped conditions, but without someone who is constantly verbally attacking you both and sabotaging DS's schoolwork?

Keep posting. The nest of vipers lovely ladies here will help keep you on track.

I second Women's AidAid (or that let cal equivalent). And you might want to get your solicitor via them. You need a solicitor who's experienced with abuse issues. I've seen thread after thread on here where women are super-frustrated because her solicitor doesn't get that there are extra issues involved, or know how to deal with them. So do, please (for your own sanity! ), shop around.

Best of luck.

Ideally, you should make appointments with 3 solicitors who offer free initial consultations and if you don't you have a rapport with any of them, move on to another 3.

Your local Women's Aid branch will be able to recommend solicitors who have specific expertise in cases of dv.

If you can afford to rent a flat now, do it - get yourself and ds in situ for Christmas and look to begin divorce proceedings in the New Year. However, do choose a solicitor beforehand as January is a very busy month for family lawyers and you might not get an initial consultation until February.

I really think one of the main things clogging you up is his mess. It has such a huge impact on anyone living in it. A clear, ordered space is a clear head (and heart). No wonder you feel you're facing climbing out of a shit hole - you are. It must seem like a mountain to climb. I expect you get on well on holiday because you're staying somewhere that is clear and ordered, not clogged up with shit.

And I say this as a bit of a hoarder collector myself . I know full well the effect it has on me if I don't keep it obsessively ordered, stored away. If I take my eye off the ball, a crisis comes up and it gets out of hand, I feel suffocated by it, it has a huge impact on my mental and emotional well-being. And this is my own stuff!

And this is apart from all the other mountains of shit you're dealing with with him. You must feel like you're squashed into a foot square space in your house and therefore your life. You and ds too

Can you at least picture a clutter-free space. Actually visualise a space that is clear and ordered to live in. No mess. I always find that, for me, I actualise a vision by picturing it first. I get it absolutely in my head - to the point it takes over, becoming more my reality than what is in front of my eyes, so that what is in front of my eyes becomes old and intolerable.

Perhaps picturing what you want could be a way of pulling the plug, getting the ball rolling, on feeling stuck fast by the impossible. This may not be how it works for you as it does for me but find what does work for you, breaking it down into manageable chunks to be tackled one at a time.

How he's going to cope should come at the bottom of the list btw. Don't let it block your exit. He's an adult, remember. And ime men know how to look after themselves - he's done it so far hasn't he?

Thanks springy I do think the mess is the main problem. I'm not even that tidy really, I just hate unnecessary clutter. If the mess went, there would be space in which I could relax. All of our arguments / his unreasonable behaviour stem from that and from my reaction to it. We have a five bedroomed house with five reception rooms and are living in two bedrooms and three reception rooms. It will not change, I know that now. I used to believe him when he said he would sort it out. If it mattered to him he would have fixed or at least tried to fix it. He says he loves me. Does he? He doesn't act as if he does. Words. Words but never actions.

OP, go see a solicitor and get out (with the help of your friends, perhaps while he's at work) into rented with your lovely ds. The relief will be beautiful and immense, your solicitor can deal with your abusive husband. The divorce will be difficult, but not as hard as staying, no way. And it will end, and the assets will follow you.

I did it - you can do it too. My house is now de-cluttered and beautiful and peaceful. Here, have a hand to hold

You know, I find that thinking and worrying about stuff is much more stressful than doing it. Exams, medical tests, anything really.

It seems like you've made your mind up to leave (good on you, I wouldn't want 25 minutes of him, never mind 25 years!) so what you need to do is break down the seemingly monumental task into bite sized chunks.

I'd go see a divorce lawyer
Then get a list of financial/other documents from them
Obtain those documents
Move anything you'd be hurt to lose to a safe place (friend or storage unit)
Obtain a place to live if you want to move (he may not leave the house, pick your battles, discuss with lawyer.)
Then, when all your ducks are in a row, leave. With a bit of groundwork you can present it as a fait accompli and just walk to freedom - the lawyers can take it from there.

Good luck. One step at a time - just do one little first thing to get the ball rolling. There will be oodles of support here for you.

Yes, it's slowly coming together. We're on holiday next week then straight back to work, but as I'm part-time I'll have some opportunity to start organising things. I don't feel in any rush, now I've made the decision. Realistically I can't see me moving out till DS goes to University which will be next autumn.

Some abusive people seem to have a sixth sense that their partner is making plans to leave. Can I recommend some contingency plans, and to err on the side of caution while you begin the process.

Some thoughts from WA:
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310005

I hope you are able to take a few small steps soon. It's very hard, I know, because not only do you have to cope with the physical mess around you dragging you down, but also that constant low level alertness to the remarks, undermining and worse. That's very, very draining.

Think of us out here holding out an invisible hand to you as you make your first moves.

Thanks Bird

I don't feel in any rush, now I've made the decision

Would that be your decision to defer taking any action to alter the thoroughly miserable circumstances in which you and your ds have existed for all of his young life?

Realistically I can't see me moving out till DS goes to University which will be next autumn

From which I must conclude that you've decided to continue martyring yourself to a man who, as AF has said, "sounds like one of the worst pieces of shit" to have come to the attention of this board.

In a year's time you will have spent more than "half your life" degrading yourself for this repellent creature and I have little doubt that you will find further spurious reason to continue to do so.

There's a fine line between martyring oneself for a lost cause and being the lost cause and it seems to me that your 'decision' has caused you to cross it, OP.

I hope not goddess but agree that is how I have been in recent years. The 25/50 thing really got to me.

Is there really any reason why you shouldn't be making plans to be in an uncluttered home with your ds before Christmas or shortly thereafter, Witch?

What can be gained by waiting another year before you make any move to bring about a positive change to both of your lives?

I need to gather some mental fortitude, which will take more time than between now & Christmas. I also need to gather evidence of assets, which might take some doing. I'm going to speak to a solicitor soon after the holiday - I've been researching a couple of local ones.

More excuses, OP?

Anyone who has endured 25 years of the type of shit you've eaten taken without ending up on a psych ward has no shortage of mental fortitude.

Solicitors and forensic accountants can gather evidence of assets far quicker than their clients.

The truth is that there's no valid reason why you shouldn't be looking for a place to rent before you speak to a solicitor and every reason for you to move out of your 5 recs/5 beds hovel half habitable home as soon as possible.

If you're not prepared to do it for yourself, I implore you to at least give your ds the experience of living in a non-abusive home before he sets off for university.

If you're not prepared to do it for yourself, I implore you to at least give your ds the experience of living in a non-abusive home before he sets off for university.

Absolutely. Please, witch, do it for your boy. I'm sorry to lay it on but your boy is suffering. A year at his age is an age, a long long time. Give him the gift of a year free from angst. It's not just about you and the 25/50 here

Imagine your ds being able to revise and take his A-levels in a quiet, clean, uncluttered space, without hearing his parents tearing each other apart. Imagine him being able to leave for university knowing that you are OK and that your life is good - because it will be, whether or not you get exactly the right number of assets.

Why, exactly, does he have to wait for that?

If you applied the mental fortitude you have shown in staying to leaving youd be gone by the end of Tuesday I expect.

What answer do you give your DS when he asks why you can't leave now?

You don't have to be in the same house to gather evidence of assets, and all this is done on the form e anyway. You don't have to have all your finances done and children's order before you're divorced. And your DS is 17, I doubt there will be a children's order.

Your son sounds as if he has his head screwed on. You may find he doesn't bother coming home once he has experienced life away from the emotional mess his parents have created - or failed to prevent - whatever. Think on.

....or that his life away at Uni is tainted by worry for you when it should be carefree

Yes, he needs to go to uni knowing you are free and have had the time to settle. A huge weight off his shoulders.

A 17yo boy shouldn't be in the position of feeling he has to be his mother's husband. Which is what is happening now, he's actually said so. It is very damaging for him.

OP, I'm sorry but you sound like you'll never leave, you'll just be talking about it. Please prove me wrong.

We're away on holiday with patchy internet so I couldn't post yesterday.

I'd always thought of myself as weak for staying, rather than strong for putting up with it for so long!

DS is quiet and strong, just gets stuck into his work, has a good social life, gets top grades. I suspect his father would make life very difficult if we moved out, knowing him as I do.

Everyone getting on ATM as we are away, but it isn't real life, of course. I imagine the future and really don't want it with him, as things are most unlikely to improve

Unlikely to improve? That has to be the biggest understatement when he's stamped in you in the past. Literally.

I see you have again lifted the carpet and swept this hell out of sight.

Ask your boy what he wants. He's had a life sentence, he may want a year's get out of jail free card.

Of course he's 'strong', he's had to be