Half my Life - very long, sorry in advance

[WitchWay]

I posted a couple of times a few months ago about my marriage & as usual just hid it all under the carpet after good advice here. This year I turned 50 & also had my 25th wedding anniversary, which has really struck home. Half my life - I'm certain I cannot tolerate another 25 years with my husband.

When I look at it all logically & "from the outside" I know exactly what I would be advising someone else (my job includes marriage guidance at times!), but I just don't seem to have been able to get myself out. Pathetic, I know.

He is abusive - there has been violence in the past, stamping on me on occasion while I lay in bed, kicking me in the shins, twisting my ankle, but that stopped years ago, after an ultimatum. He did shove me into a bush on holiday this summer though while pissed & arguing. The usual "you made me so angry" - I do tend to push my luck & not back down.

He has broken things of mine in a temper, including my spectacles, over the years, recently shredded some school work of DS's as he didn't feel "included" - DS had been trying to get him to proofread it for days - in the end I did it as it had to be handed in & he felt this was undermining him - not the only copy thank goodness. Loads of arguments as I just can't hold my tongue when he's being an arse.

Lots of messing with my head, refusing to remember stuff that has definitely happened, refusing to believe things, twisting my words, getting angry over trivia then calming down suddenly as if nothing has happened, accusing me of lying & then the typical "you really are insane".

Boastful & bigoted about all sorts - he's one of the best drivers in the world, apparently - belittling of women "that bitch doesn't know what she's talking about", awful about immigrants, fat people, the poor etc. If I pull him up on anything he says "Weeeelllll" in a snidey voice. Aggressive driver & trying to make newly-qualified DS drive in a similar way - he refuses.

Blaming me for turning our son (nearly 18) against him "he's just like you - I wish I'd had all that time with him on the school runs when he was little". At the time he refused to regularly participate in school runs as he didn't want to be involved in the lift share I had going "I don't want other people's children kicking the car seats". Completely refutes this now though & says it was me that said that. DS is more like me because he simply is more like me & my side of the family in looks & personality, although he also resembles SIL's children. "I don't think he's mine". He is, guaranteed - let's have tests done - no.

Worrying me over the finances - we have a huge mortgage which eventually will be payed off but he is keen to borrow more to finance a house for DS once at Uni. I'd prefer to sell the small holiday cottage we have - he thinks this is ridiculous. Gets angry when I suggest selling a couple of his sports cars could pay off some of the mortgage, surely one fancy car is enough?

Hoarding - literally 30 years' worth of car magazines plus others relating to present & past hobbies in huge piles all over the place. Heaps of unopened Christmas presents (unwrapped but still in boxes), every greetings card he's ever received, unwanted clothes bulging from his wardrobe (he did chuck out six shirts & 3 pairs of trousers the other week as he'd run out of space - I had them in the charity shop in a trice!). Unopened post going back years. Most rooms in the house too full of clutter to be used for their intended purpose so he does paperwork (occasionally when he absolutely has to) on the kitchen able & gets cross if I'm trying to cook the dinner. Says he hates the mess too & yes we need to tidy the house but refuses to allow me to tackle it alone & won't do anything about it himself.

Empty promises about tackling the mess, the fact he would also like to have people round for dinner & to stay but we can't till the house is tidy (a very small select group is allowed, DS invites no-one at all as he is ashamed), of course I can have my own office (I've been waiting six years since going freelance). Says "If I tidied up you'd just moan about something else".

Jealousy - we did both have affairs some 14-15yrs ago during a particularly unpleasant phase, all dealt with, still drags it all up occasionally & very suspicious of my attending a local choir for the last couple of years, sure I'm carrying on with someone there. I say "come and see the geriatrics and the mostly women, if you're so bothered". He doesn't of course. Convinced I'm going to up & leave him once DS leaves home - "you women are all the same, never satisfied" - a couple of friends have recently left their husbands after long marriages.

Does virtually nothing around the house, although did actually make me a cup of coffee yesterday morning - first one this year & most likely the last - I have had a few cups of tea made fairly recently though - approximately three while on holiday. If I'm away he just doesn't bother to make himself a hot drink at all! "If you ever died or left me I'd just get a housekeeper".

Dominates the lounge/television/lighting - really annoyed if I want a bit of light on because I'm crocheting - only the side lights mind - "hurts his eyes, can't see the screen" - suggests I go & sit in the bedroom instead - I refuse as I don't see why I ought to behave like some blooming student! Choice of programme is invariably his - fortunately I like some of it, but not the bloody car stuff. The house is "his" of course as I work part time & earn much less, although we're both on the mortgage - doesn't appreciate any input that isn't financial but then mutters about colleagues' wives being much worse as most don't work at all outside the home.

Lots of low-grade control stuff going on like being habitually late for meals (although this has improved a lot lately, since I just started dishing up without him), not "allowing" me to start the dishwasher if he's still in the room as he hates the noise, but he "forgets" to put it on if I ask him to, sending me out of the kitchen if he's on the phone even if I'm in the middle of something - life would be much easier if he had an office he could actually USE - sigh!

Reading all of the above seems surreal, crazy that it has gone on so long, makes me think I ought to have left years ago. We do still have fun & get on really well at times, usually on holiday & after a few drinks. Not real life though, is it? Part of me thinks I've missed the chance now after all those years - I feel an idiot.

I'm really worried about how to disentangle everything. I could afford to rent somewhere while the financial stuff got sorted I suppose. I just know he will make things really difficult if I announce I'm leaving. he won't open post, won't sign documents, could very well damage things of mine, shred paperwork & cause a real nuisance. All of these things can be overcome, of course - I'm just scared.

Worried too about the fallout for DS - he's a big boy now though, thinks his father is unreasonable "he's the most selfish person I know", hates the arguments & refuses to be downtrodden by him. He also thinks I'm unreasonable because I nag about stuff - stuff that drives me nuts admittedly - agrees I need to stand up for myself more. He tries to hold his own at the dinner table but we both just get "you're WRONG, that's RUBBISH, I'm not discussing this any more - the conversation is OVER".

I don't need telling that it's awful or abusive, I just need to find the strength to make the move. I've been looking for places to rent & even looking up solicitors, which has really given me a lift. Nothing will happen till DS moves out, but I feel lighter just contemplating it as a reality.

I fear that your DS, as wonderful as he sounds, will make a break both of you when he leaves for Uni.

He'll have his own life and will not have to see your DH - he will have made that physical 'break' from his family home and my concern for you is that he'll break from you too. This is no family unit - it sounds insufferable for you but more than that, it sounds unbearable for DS and his fortitude is simply a strong coping strategy.

Make the move NOW or else I worry for you and your lovely son's relationship.

will make a break from both of you

I'm sorry but I didn't read your full post, I'd had enough by the point of shredding your DS's homework. If you can't make the break you must do it for your DS. PP is right, if you don't do this your DS is likely to make a break from both of you.

So you know you must leave, you know you want to leave. What can we do to help make this a reality for you?

Has it occurred to you as you tot up the wasted half of your life that the reason your DS works hard and acts strong is because he is plotting his escape too? That he's working hard at school to earn the grades that will give him a pass out of the shit life that his family has? And that he's doing that because he knows you, his mother nobody else will do it for him?

Time to put your DS needs before your own co-dependence. I'll bare my arse in the high street if your DH isn't an alcoholic.

OP, you are fussing over the small stuff and micromanaging as a coping strategy. The fact is your relationship with OH was lousy. It is still lousy. Would it harm you to take control of your life? List the reasons why not for us.

Carabos, that is exactly what I did as a teen

I was first in my family to do well in exams, first to go to university. I did it mainly to distance myself from my shirty upbringing and to prove to my father that I wasn't the useless drain on him he would have me believe.

Hi OP,

I rarely post on the relationships board but I was married to a man who sounds very similar to yours for a much shorter time and despite all evidence and heartache I stuck it out far longer than I should. Being in a controlling relationship robs you of all the skills you need to leave, your confidence, self belief and your motivation. I was a constant apologist for his behaviour, we had two small children and I desperately wanted to believe his protestations that he would change. The two very best bits of advice that I received were from my best friend (who he did everything possible to stop me from seeing). These were (and I think they may be applicable to some of the thinking you are still doing even though you might not want to):

1. People will say anything to extract themselves from a difficult conversation or to maintain the status quo. So just because he says things will be different doesn't mean he means them or believes them even at the time.

1. Even if he does mean them you are making an assumption that he can change if he just tries harder, there isn't any evidence for that so assume that he can't. This removed the need for me to question "why did he not love me enough to stop" and "if I just tried a bit harder myself it would be better". It some times helped for me to not be angry or resentful too so I could think more rationally about how to leave.

Ultimately dealing in reality rather than hope was the first step in me being able to let go.

I also second what other posters said about your son. True to the old adage that you marry your father my step dad was very similar and I couldn't run far enough when I reached 18. I came back the first holiday from uni then never again. It was only recently that I've been able to have a serious conversation with my mum about how let down I felt at her choosing her husband over me. I am NC with him btw which means I see her very rarely now.

I know this has been really long already but I just wanted to say good luck, I was wonderfully single for 8 years and I'm now remarried to a wonderful man and am happier than I ever imagined I could be

I suspect his father would make life very difficult if we moved out, knowing him as I do. - your ds is 17??? He can choose when or whether he sees his father after you two move out.

Please get out now. I realise you need time to find financial documents and legal advice and estate agents, but there is no point at all in putting it back until next autumn. You have been putting it off and putting it back for years.

There is no alternative to just doing it - it needs to be done. Only then can you lean back and relax. No one else is going to do it for you. Grasp the nettle.

you are well able to do this. And your son is on your side. Pretend you are one of your clients and you are coaching yourself step by step thru the necessary tasks to escape to a new life.

I suspect his father would make life very difficult if we moved out, knowing him as I do

Look at the tyranny you've lived under for the past 25 years, look at the state of your house with its uninhabitable rooms and piles of crap everywhere, look at the way he treats you in your own home, and ask yourself how much more difficult can he make your own and your son's life if you leave him now?

Oh ladies you are right of course. Away on holiday so he's being mostly charming which always makes me hesitant. More hesitant than usual. I did not marry my father as it happens. DS is very like my late dad was.

carabos you won't be baring your arse any time soon - he does have a problem with alcohol. Hardly ever really pissed but it's always there as a prop and an excuse.

I know DS is plotting his escape and am ashamed that I may have failed him. I wish I'd gone years ago when he was tiny but I was frightened into submission by being accused of madness and being an unfit mother so would not have custody.

I'm so ashamed and horrified how long it's gone on

You don't need to be ashamed, just resolve to fix this now, so that you can be free and your DS can be free.

It's never too late

Imagine growing old with this. Possibly becoming his carer. Maybe having to wipe his arse one day. It takes a lot of love and respect to do that. You don't have it.

I was frightened into submission by being accused of madness and being an unfit mother so would not have custody.

Oh witch

No time like the present darling

Do the Freedom Programme!

It will set you free.

The bastard has had you and ds prisoners all these years

Away on holiday so he's being mostly charming

So, not shoving you into bushes. At the moment.

Sorry to be so flippant. Being away from your home can be nice and refreshing. It can be lovely.

It can also mask a crap dynamic. It can make you forget you're normally surrounded by the 3 of5 rooms made unusable by his clutter. And, on holiday, it might even be possible, for a change, you're not doing every fucking thing (there might be waitors or chambermaids).

Please do try to see outside the break that isn't even as nice as it should be.

There's no two ways about it - you have failed your ds miserably and if you wait to leave until after he's gone to university you'll have lost this last chance to give him the experience of living in a non-abusive and orderly home that will enable you to form a bond with him that will stand you in good stead in the future.

If you wait to move until after he's gone you won't mistake the look of contempt mixed with pity he'll give you on those few occasions when he returns to see you because, once he's out in the real world, it won't take him long to realise that not only have you consistently failed to protect him, you also enabled his father's abusive behaviour.

She's right, witch. As hard as it is to face.

For whatever reason (ie abuse) you've stayed but there's no reason now.

goddess, harsh but true

op, don't waste the next half of your life

what are your plans when you return from this farce that you call a "holiday" ?

Okay ladies, back from lovely hols now, husband was an arse for quite a lot some of it, mainly towards DS, also towards me when I was defending DS's position -he thinks I ought to always back him up in his dealings with DS - I disagree - it's not as if he's a toddler & I don't countermand discipline, it's more to do with opinion - DS & my opinions often concur & are different to his.

DS thinks we are good parents but in a bad relationship, thinks his dad is abusive & that I am a bit pathetic

I have found a porny email (again - sigh) in the inbox not the junk.

I spent part of yesterday working through the online Freedom Programme course which was quite an eye-opener - he has traits of all the aspects of "The Dominator" (sounds like a bad film) - I have worked through the sections & made notes as to how he fits into each - I may cut & paste this later for your edification.

I have just been speaking to a local family law solicitor with a good reputation & have made an appointment for a preliminary chat next Tuesday. I was shaking like a leaf & very emotional when I made the call.

good news op. You are being very brave. I know how many years of abuse i took -it's like you are divorced from reality as you cannot beleive this is your life. Well soon you'll be divorced from the abuser and you and your ds will move onto a better life. CONGRATULATIONS!

"Nothing will happen till DS moves out"
Please don't delay. How do you think DS would feel if he thought you were putting up with this 'for him'? Don't give him that guilt, please .

I talked to DS the other day about the possibility of moving out, either just me or both of us. He prefers us to stay put for now & agrees his dad would be worse in the short-term after a split, which he thinks would adversely affect his schoolwork.

H really is the most stubborn awkward vindictive sod & it is impossible to call his bluff, so staying put is how it is for the moment.

Lots of small rental stuff around however so no shortage of places to go if necessary.

You are an amazing mother to postpone the most important move of your life in order to help your son. Please ask him not to tell ANYONE what you are planning to do .

He knows not to say anything