My DP has put a lot of weight on.

[Cleansheetsandbedding]

I sound horrible.

He has put quite a few stone on and is classed as obese. He has poor health because of this weight, bad hips and joints, always thirsty (because of his addiction to sugary drinks) can't play his sports any more.

He has got really lazy, won't go to the gym any more. It's a waste of a direct debit every month. Ive tried talking to him about what he is doing to his body as in higher chances of heart attack or diabetes and he always promises to do somthing about it.

I cook very healthy meals for him and meals to take to work so he isn't eating shit but come weekend he just gorges on crap. I just went down stairs and he was cooking a pack of noodles less than an hour after eating a huge Sunday dinner (he cooked it) and pudding and Ice scream he is Massively over eating and buying shit food in and giving it to our two year old (fucking sherbet dip, chocolate) I need him to take responsibility for his own health.

I don't fancy him any more and he knows as he always says 'you don't fancy me anymore' but I can't admit it as I don't want to hurt him and end up saying i do.

He is such a handsome bloke but I didn't choose to go out with someone that is nearly 20 stone. (That's sounds really mean)

I keep myself in shape, so I think he is being really selfish not to even try.

I don't want to leave because other than him not giving a shit about himself he is kind, generous, thoughtful, funny, loving, brilliant father I could write a million good points about him but I don't want to fall in to a relationship where I'm not sexually attracted to my lover.

We have talked about this a million times and now immat the point where you lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

I don't know what to say or do to make him realise he has to make a change for us both.

Any ideas?

toasted at 6,1 and 15 stone when I first met him he was hardly skinny.

Do you not think that 20 stone is unhealthy toasted? The NHS web site thinks he is. He is at risk of heart attack and other illnesses he is causing. Fat isn't healthy

Obviously there's more to over-eating than simply "being greedy" but a PP mentioned something I think might be worth following up.

You mentioned that he used to be super-sporty and also that he had his confidence knocked when someone yelled "fat cunt" (your poor husband, can you imagine what a great day he was having out there doing some exercise and then some idiot ruined it?) - what about one of those residential "fat bootcamp" things where the emphasis is on exercise which he's clearly good at and loves, and he'll be encouraged not scorned?

I sympathise a lot with your DH about that day. I was once skiing a black run and someone yelled "fat cunt" from a chairlift. I wasn't doing bloody "chair exercises".

I reckon hypnotherapy could work wonders for him OP.

Toasted- "my husband does not nag me about it, in fact he loves curvy women"

The difference here is the OP doesn't like curvy men.

It's hard to lose weight because of the underlying issues causing the over eating in the first place but from the OP's point of view it is also hard seeing someone make little effort to try and do something about it. It can come across as a non caring and lazy attitude.

what will you do if he refuses to address his overeating?

With my DH it took ending up in hospital to kick him into changing, even then he told the Dr the results were wrong (always has thought he knows better than anyone else ) because he was so in denial. I had given up on nagging and told him he was a big boy so over to you; even now he still tries blaming anything else!

I found out his car boot was where he 'hid' his stash of Lucozade, pies etc. I still puzzle over why he started behaving like this, he doesn't know either.

I do hope you get him to listen OP, good luck.

I found out his car boot was where he 'hid' his stash of Lucozade, pies etc. I still puzzle over why he started behaving like this, he doesn't know either

pretty much the same kind of thing that you get with alcoholism is it not?
bottles of vodka stashed in secret places to avoid running out

6'1" and 15 stone is not slight, the OP is hardly some body fascist is she fancied him that weight initially.

My DH is 6'1 and a super fit triathlete. He is under 12 stone, at 15 he would be pretty big, even if it was mostly muscle.

15 stone at 6ft 1 isn't too bad and I think she said that's what he was when she met him. It's the 20 Stone he is now that concerns her.

You have to get to your epithany before you're ready. Something needs to click.

To others looking at you and measuring your success from your size, of course they think your not making an effort.

However, from personal experience the greatest effort can't be seen as its the mental dialogue to get you to where you're ready to face your demons. I spend a great deal of time even now trying to pretend I'm normal. My normal feeling comes from when I eat to cope but is short lived and quickly replaced by hatred, shame, loathing and inadequacy. Thank god my DH doesn't add to those feelings by pulling guilt trips or showing anything other than patience and understanding but sadness that I'm not happy.

The change but has always been easier than the facing up to and being ready to make that change.

Each weight regain for me is slower and slower as I've been working towards being at peace with the cause.

Of course I want to be at peace and not be controlled by food. By dieting disguises the fact that my default setting is to abuse food.

It serves so many functions. It's a treat, gives a nothingness, then a high, then an ongoing punishment.

Why shouldn't have a treat? It's all too much sometimes and the binge buys an automitron state where you don't feel. Then you get a rush and feel good. Then you don't feel you deserve to feel good and you have to wear what you've done as punishment which in itself brings satisfaction, plus fat people are invisible so I feel safer.

As I said before, wanting something isn't the whole story if your eating isn't just a result of not being aware or just being lazy and not caring.

Sorry didn't have tome to rtft but read quite a bit.

I put on a lot of weight during my relationship and have now lost it and weigh less than when I met DH.

Here is what helped me (weight is complex and I can't say what will help him but these things helped me)

1. Realising that depression/stress/anxiety/exhaustion all play a part in my emotional eating event though no one thought I was depressed, even me
2. Taking time for me and prioritising me routinely and making this non-negotiable (I walk after the school run for an extra half hour counting steps on my phone app aiming for 10,000 per day). Good for the soul and the legs!
3. Realising that your body reflects your lifestyle, change your lifestyle and your body will catch up with you in time! (Note this happens both ways so eat more ice-cream/ move less you gain weight increase in size or walk to dog more / eat healthier you reduce in weight / size.
4. Having the support of DH who walks with me daily and who makes it easy for me to pop out twice a week to exercise classes by cooking the meal and taking over with DC and DDOG those days.
5. Concentrating on living a healthy lifestyle and trying not to put too much emphasis on the scales which are fickle and can vary day to day but show the right trend over time.

In practice my suggestion is improve the opportunity for the right things to happen and your DP will feel better so make better choices and eventually look better.
eg. Do active things together; Eat and shop healthier together; Share responsibilities so everyone has time to go to an exercise class/do a physical activity and their other stuff is covered while they are there.

15 stone at 6ft 1 isn't too bad

agree, and much depends on body composition and location of adipose tissue, visceral or subcutaneous fat