My DP has put a lot of weight on.

[Cleansheetsandbedding]

I sound horrible.

He has put quite a few stone on and is classed as obese. He has poor health because of this weight, bad hips and joints, always thirsty (because of his addiction to sugary drinks) can't play his sports any more.

He has got really lazy, won't go to the gym any more. It's a waste of a direct debit every month. Ive tried talking to him about what he is doing to his body as in higher chances of heart attack or diabetes and he always promises to do somthing about it.

I cook very healthy meals for him and meals to take to work so he isn't eating shit but come weekend he just gorges on crap. I just went down stairs and he was cooking a pack of noodles less than an hour after eating a huge Sunday dinner (he cooked it) and pudding and Ice scream he is Massively over eating and buying shit food in and giving it to our two year old (fucking sherbet dip, chocolate) I need him to take responsibility for his own health.

I don't fancy him any more and he knows as he always says 'you don't fancy me anymore' but I can't admit it as I don't want to hurt him and end up saying i do.

He is such a handsome bloke but I didn't choose to go out with someone that is nearly 20 stone. (That's sounds really mean)

I keep myself in shape, so I think he is being really selfish not to even try.

I don't want to leave because other than him not giving a shit about himself he is kind, generous, thoughtful, funny, loving, brilliant father I could write a million good points about him but I don't want to fall in to a relationship where I'm not sexually attracted to my lover.

We have talked about this a million times and now immat the point where you lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

I don't know what to say or do to make him realise he has to make a change for us both.

Any ideas?

Are smokers bad parents? Absolutely.

Oh ok wotsits I get it now. Your a Katie Hopkins type.
I hope you don't drive, do DIY or ever drink alcohol. Too risky. Might make you a bad parent.

It's so handy that driving and DIY are banned in public places. Because of the health risks to everyone.
But you're right. I don't drink

itsbetterthanabox

Oh ok wotsits I get it now. Your a Katie Hopkins type.

Is Katie Hopkins the new Hitler? en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin%27s_law

Am I, as a parent, also allowed to gamble myself into debt, drink to the point of becoming violent and take up Heroin? Being a parent entails certain responsibilities - imho, making every effort to avoid submitting my DC to my own horribly painful, debilitating and drawn-out premature death is one of those responsibilities. No smoking, no obesity. Maybe one day I will find myself being obese, and maybe I won't be able to stop it happening. However, how that obesity impacts upon my children will always be my, and only my, responsibility. Only one person puts food into my mouth.

box I could be wrong but I'm guessing you're obese yourself?

It would explain your defensiveness and determination to believe what isn't true.

Some people take responsibility for the things about themselves they don't like, even if they can't change them. Others do not. But which type of person is most likely to be able to change?

The thing is, it really isn't as simple as saying to him "you must lose weight or your health will suffer" or "I don't fancy you when you are this heavy" and expecting him to magically get thinner. I guarantee your DP doesn't want to be obese and already knows these things!

So - you can say them if you like, but don't expect it to make any difference.

Here is a study which shows how difficult it is to lose weight once you've become obese.

I wouldn't fancy my oh if he put on a load of weight and vice versa. People are allowed to feel this way. When I read threads posted by women who are the ones who gained weight and they are told that their partner should fancy them regardless it makes me a bit
First and foremost I owe it to myself to stay in shape for my health and self esteem.

Notodaysatan
What do I believe that isn't true?
I think it's wrong to call those who have any kind of 'fault' you don't have a bad parent.
Where does it stop? Older mums will subject their kids to them dying younger. Are they bad parents? People with disabilities that may shorten their life expectancy. Are they bad parents? They may pass on health problems too!
The example you've given are ridiculous too. Being violent towards your kids is not comparable to you have food issues!!

Being overweight to that extent is very dangerous unless he is 6ft 4 or something. Someone at my works died last year at the age of 48 from a heart attack and he was about 20-25 stone.

You can't make him do it though. Most people who put weight on will always struggle to keep it off even if they lose it. It's a life long battle.

You don't have to fancy him though. He will already know you don't, hence the reason he makes a joke about it. You can't make yourself want to have sex with somebody though and it's your body and your choice whether to do that.

In the process.
Saying extreme judgemental snobbish statements is exactly what Kaye Hopkins does. I think she's probably said exactly that! It's hardly an unfair comparison.

I feel for you OP.

My DH is obese, always has been, and today got given one last chance to sort himself out before he's put on injections rather than tablets for his diabetes. Plus his last eye check shows damage too. He's 40.

I've been scared and we've redone our wills and I've retrained for another profession. He lost his mum aged only 55 and he knows I'm frightened he'll die young too but I've never tried to make him feel badly about his issues.

It doesn't affect our sex lives though, he's amazing and I have eyes for no other.

I can't do the whole judgey pants thing or try the guilt tripping of withholding affection because i understand as I too have my issues. I go from anywhere from a size 8 to size 22 depending on where my binge eating is. At the moment I'm a 16 at 5ft 8 but in my way up again.

I know full well that trying to guilt or shame a person into weight loss leads to more issues such as secret eating and further self esteem issues which actually compounds the issue rather than helping.

Personally I feel that when you get to the stage of obesity, this is not a simple issue of diet and lifestyle. There's usually a bit more to it and there's an underlying issue too.

Unfortunately the focus for the majority is diet and lifestyle and this can only work for a limited period. Unless the underlying issues are dealt with then the weight will always come back.

This is why it's so important to work out your time/place/people/emotional triggers and identify the patterns to help get to the bottom of the actual issues.

Those who don't understand this will see weight loss as a measurement of success when it really isn't. Shaming will make things worse too.

Intheprocess - thank you for sympathising with my opinion.
Box - risk assessment is part of parenting.

Thanks for your replies and I've really thought about some of the responses. Too many to scroll back and copy names so I'll just try and answer any questions

Dp started piling on weight after injury and he couldn't play his sport which he was very good at. In fact known for it in our village. That's what's frustrates me so much. He hates that he now can't play at the level he was but he won't do anything about it. He is only 33 and says he is past it.

I'm 35 and work in sports. I've had two children and keep myself in shape because I can be arsed and want to bad enough.

He does still fancy he tells me most nights.

I met him when he was in shape so I think it is selfish to change your shape drastically and not even try to do anything about it. Yes it's his body, but now I'm trapped with a bloke, with a mortgage, DC who is now 20 stone. Yes I do adore him but Him being that big wasn't what I bought in to.

He isn't depressed. He does however use food for any emotional crutch. His dm is the same.

When I had my second dd I really struggled to lose my weight but I kept at it because I really didn't like how I looked or how heavy I felt or the fact I had to buy bigger clothes. Where as dp just gives all his clothes to his df and just goes and buys bigger.

If you can be arsed you can lose weight.

Any way - last night we had a chat and he said he would go GP and talk about blood sugar tests and cholesterol. He also said he would go swimming. He managed to get an appointment this afternoon. When he went in he just talked about a fucking hamstring injury. Didn't even ask about the other stuff. Also just sent a massage saying he 'isn't feeling it today- had head ache all day' which is actually code for 'I'm not going swimming'

So today I stop parenting him. I act more like his mother than a partner. I'm not even writing what I do for him as its pathetic.

I'm not going to talk to him about his health or his cook his meals I've had it.

Op have you considered that maybe he doesn't hate how he looks? Just because you did.
I'm sure if you hadn't lost the baby weight he would still have loved you. It's not admirable or moral to be a lighter weight than him.
He probably didn't expect to 'sign up' to a shallow partner but he's got that too.

Box it's not up to you to decide what the Op should and should not find attractive. There's nothing shallow about not finding particular things unattractive. It's not a pc issue.

If you really do feel that strongly then maybe it's time to part ways.

itsbetter he has told me he doesn't like being this weight because he is breathing out of his arse when he runs and the last time I watched him play sport the oppersite side supporter called him a 'fat cunt' across the pitch and I could tell it hurt him and I hurt for him too.

Baby weight isn't putting on five/six stone.

Women are generally lighter than men. It's the physicality of men and woman and muscle mass so your right there isn't anything admiral or moral about it- it's just how things normally are.

He is unhealthy box his hip and joints are sore, he may be damaging his heart and other things, he sleeps terrible, he has headaches so I don't think it's cool to be that over weight.

You're not shallow OP.

Having to lift someone's sweaty rolls of flab up go find their (possibly partially hidden) genitals ain't sexy. No matter how much deluded people try to convince themselves it is.

And someone not taking care of themselves isn't sexy either. And that's what it boils down to. You take care of yourself, he doesn't.

I know all about comfort eating. I have the same urges. But you don't have give in to them. I don't. Because my appearance and, more importantly, my health matter more. I'm not going to be that parent who gets out of puff playing football in the garden. That parent who can't go on rollercoasters with their DC. That parent who won't go in the sea on holiday. Fuck that. My kids get one childhood. It's my obligation to make it as happy and full as possible and for me to live as long as possible so I can share in their lives, see them have kids. You only have to read Ovary's post to see the possible alternative outcome.

So stuffing his face with crap rather than listening to his partner is ok, not in my book it's not, whether you are female or male, truth be told nobody wants to have sex with someone obese, well not many of us especially when he wasn't before.

He's being incredibly selfish and exposing your child to the same horrible habits, wrong again.

Don't listen to posters calling you shallow, it's a normal human response to something you don't like, simple as that.

If he'd rather stuff his face with crap than address it then I'd not hang about forever hoping he will make an effort.

Thank you jan and nottoday

What will you do if he won't change clean? 5 stone in a short period is a lot of weight gain. It's going to take a radical change from him to reverse that. It could even get worse by the sounds of it.

I don't know shiny

I thought the radicle change would be this plan that I bought that was tailored to him. I spent a lot of time prepping his food so he didn't have to worry. But even that didn't work.

I don't want to leave I want my old dp back. He really needs to take responsibility for his own body now with out me 'nagging' him. I suppose he will determine how we end up as unless he makes a change I won't be having sex with him anymore.

Has he had his confidence knocked by his injury? If he was playing before and getting praise and now isn't being appreciated by others as much this would be understandable.

Btw there's nothing more fucking irritating and hurtful than being told that if you you want It enough you can lose weight.

You can though joy

I gave up smoking which was hideously hard to do, but I really wanted to give up. So I did.