My DP has put a lot of weight on.

[Cleansheetsandbedding]

I sound horrible.

He has put quite a few stone on and is classed as obese. He has poor health because of this weight, bad hips and joints, always thirsty (because of his addiction to sugary drinks) can't play his sports any more.

He has got really lazy, won't go to the gym any more. It's a waste of a direct debit every month. Ive tried talking to him about what he is doing to his body as in higher chances of heart attack or diabetes and he always promises to do somthing about it.

I cook very healthy meals for him and meals to take to work so he isn't eating shit but come weekend he just gorges on crap. I just went down stairs and he was cooking a pack of noodles less than an hour after eating a huge Sunday dinner (he cooked it) and pudding and Ice scream he is Massively over eating and buying shit food in and giving it to our two year old (fucking sherbet dip, chocolate) I need him to take responsibility for his own health.

I don't fancy him any more and he knows as he always says 'you don't fancy me anymore' but I can't admit it as I don't want to hurt him and end up saying i do.

He is such a handsome bloke but I didn't choose to go out with someone that is nearly 20 stone. (That's sounds really mean)

I keep myself in shape, so I think he is being really selfish not to even try.

I don't want to leave because other than him not giving a shit about himself he is kind, generous, thoughtful, funny, loving, brilliant father I could write a million good points about him but I don't want to fall in to a relationship where I'm not sexually attracted to my lover.

We have talked about this a million times and now immat the point where you lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

I don't know what to say or do to make him realise he has to make a change for us both.

Any ideas?

It's frightening when someone seems to deny what's happening, probably he does know but is unable to face it.
DH was the same; 7 years ago he was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes but it took a DVT and life-threatening pulmonary embolism to scare him into action. He seemed to think stuffing a large packet of chocolate biscuits after a meal, eating enormous volumes of pies and pasties and drinking pints of Lucozade was 'normal' - I'm a nurse and I couldn't get him to listen. I tried everything I could think of to no avail. He's already got eye problems from the diabetes, very high cholesterol and glaucoma. The pulmonary embolism failed to kill him only because it was huge and lodged before hitting a critical vessel.

Even now it's 'Poor me' rather than acknowledging T2 Diabetes is self-inflicted and avoidable. From time to time he 'tries it on' by indulging but the 3 month tests catch him out, he gets a bollocking from his GP and threatened with increased medication.

I guess some men (and women) think that they know better or that it won't happen to them

I don't think smoking is the same Cleansheets. Smoking is a habit and a physical addiction to nicotine (I wrote caffeine first LOL!). Giving up is breaking a habit and a physical addiction.

Overeating to the point of obesity is closer to alcoholism (which is between the two) - it's a coping method for an underlying psychiatric issue whatever that is.

If you are talking about being a bit overweight and just eating a bit too much, then I agree that is similar to smoking. It's a will power, break a habit and start better ones type issue.

But that's not what you are talking about. Obesity of that order is a different problem and it isn't a "if you want it enough you can lose weight issue" - because they will never "want it enough" until they deal with the psychological issues underneath.

Shit nonna

I'm going to rebook him in and at least get his checks done.

Op did he withhold sex with you and consider leaving until you stopped smoking?

I can't see what the phycological problem is though. He has had a charmed life. He was in shape when I met him and he piled it on after an injury.

I think he is addicted to the high sugar/caffine and fat. If we were in a shop buying a drink her too would reach for a bottle of lucazade rather than sugar free or a bottle of water.

I know it sounds horrible but I just feel he is lazy (as he is!) and self indulgant.

box no but he said he hated it and I was making myself ill which I was - so I quit.

Plus he can't resist me as I'm smoking hot

Would he go for something like a fat camp? That sort of approach works for me (though I have to do it myself ) a week or two of eating what you're given and exercising. I suspect the progress he makes in that time would give him the kick start he needs

Does he need a buddy to do it with OP? Could he replicate that team thing he must be missing by losing weight and training with a couple of guys in the same position.

What about his old team mates from the sport he used to do. Would he respond to an "intervention" from them? Would feeling like one of the lads again help him?

Sex should not be used as a weapon but if you no longer find someone attractive and fancy them, you may not want to shag them.

Doesn't matter the reason.

I hated my husband smoking, I used to refuse to kiss him and cuddle up after he'd had a cigarette, the smell really turned me off.

Besides it didn't help when that I am an ex smoker and more sensitive to smell.

I suffered from severe BO for a while, no one wanted to hug me and I always had a shower when I got in because it is extremely unattractive to get naked and more sweaty when you smelled like I did.

Only medication helped in the end but I did everything that I could to stop it before that.

I wouldn't have blamed my boyfriend then for not wanting to sleep with me.

Giving up sugar and caffeine is very hard.

He should chose one and minimise that first.

Op did he withhold sex with you and consider leaving until you stopped smoking?

I wouldn't have sex with a smoker. Does that make me shallow?

you wont have sex with him until he loses weight?

My God! can you imagine if i came on here and said that my DP said that to me - what do you think the response would be???

Do you suggest the Op continues to have sex with him, despite the fact she doesn't want to ?

tinkly I did ask if he wanted to go with my friends husband but he said no.

theoriginal he is starting to squash me. It's not very sexy and it's a bit of a mood killer for me.

LEM are you suggesting that the OP is obligated to have sex with someone she doesn't find attractive as some sort of wifely duty?

Wow.

OP, it's up to you whether you want to have sex with him or not. If you don't fancy him, don't have sex with him.

But - you must face the fact that this may not work as a tactic. So what happens then? You'll either have to start having sex with him again at some point, whether he's lost the weight or not, or you'll split up. Maybe that's what you want, but I think you should go into this with your eyes open about where it might lead.

You can though joy

I've given up smoking and lost loads of weight on 3 separate occasions. Have you?

I gave up smoking 20 years ago. it's not the same. You don't have to continue smoking in ago trolled way to survive. Abstaining is a doddle in comparison!

I've lost 6.5 stone 3 times and my weight is heading upwards again so I'll need to lose more a 4th time.

I can't give up eating, even though I know I'd find it easier never to eat again than to continue to eat but be in control.

I didn't smoke as a response to cope with a psychological issue as I do with my eating.

As much as I want to lose weight again (and believe me I'm good at it) as I explained upthread, losing weight is temporary unless you look at the cause.

'wanting it' simply isn't enough love! It's a shallow response. The answer is understanding why it's more important to eat than to be fit and healthy and look and feel better.

I want those things on the surface, I'm sure most fat people do, but until I challenge my need to binge then the diet and lifestyle changes aren't going to be permanent.

If wanting could solve the psychological issues then I'd have none and not need to eat or be fat. Unfortunately that's going to need a lot more help.

This is why I also asked upthread, is it possible that his self esteem was built on his sporting ability which has now gone? Could this be a factor in combination with the obvious issues of lack of exercise and eating the wrong things.

You're focussed on his weight when I suspect that both him and you should be considering the cause, that the weight is the symptom of something. Chances are that's going to be a bit mixed up and not easy for him to articulate or even understand for himself.

Get him to talk rather than talking at him about your own judgement of him.

So today I stop parenting him
Good, this is what I was going to suggest before I RTFT. Stop nagging, it's not working. Don't prep meals for him, don't book him in at the doctor for a check up. It's his life, his body, his responsibility. I am not quite sure what the psychological angle is for your DP, but there will be one. It could be a lack of self-efficacy and a lack of responsibility. And if something isn't working (suggesting diets, mothering him etc) then you have to change it. You can only change the things YOU do, you can't change what HE does.

Sometimes men need the hard word from an outside source. Maybe he needs his doctor to say, 'if you don't lose weight, you'll be lucky to live to 45/50/55 whatever'.

This could be the reality check he needs to make changes.

I've given up smoking and lost loads of weight on 3 separate occasions. Have you?

No I did it once. I stopped smoking and stayed stopped. I put on weight to have my kids and then I lost it until I got pregnant again. If I put on weight if I go on holiday then I cut the crap out or exercise more.

Why havnt you addressed the need to binge jan ? If you know you need to then why havnt you. It just seems a bit of an excuse.

Does he snore op?
If he does sleep apnoea maybe an issue. This would cause him to feel too knackered to go swimming and crave high fat sugary foods for the energy.
It's a thought but it's all armchair quackery. He needs to be honest with the gp and take responsibility. I'm not sure you telling him what to do helps but I do think you are entitled to tell him how the situation makes you feel.
One of ds friends dad's had a heart attack when ds friend was 10. It has had an awful impact in the family and ds friend.

OP I can understand why you're angry. You're worried about him but he seems to be in 'self-destruct' mode despite having a wife who is willing to cook all his meals for him. You want to fancy him but it's just a turn off and it's all so frustrating. And he really doesn't give a shit about what is happening or any of the implications.

My ex H also piled on weight and didn't ever bother to do anything about it. But complained about being fat. And just kept eating phenomenal amounts of crap. Fortunately he was also an arse so there was ample reason to leave. For you it's quite a sad situation.

I fancy slim guys. End of. I wouldn't date an obese man. I have nothing useful to add but really feel for you.

flo like you wouldn't believe! I'm always waking him up to roll over. Could be a point as when he is really heavy he snores badly

Definitely one to raise with the gp. Does he wake up with headaches?

I will sleep with an overweight man. Gladly, if I fancy him. More warmth and more forward thrust you see. Than some skinny, bony, doesn't really want it type.

Although, some men have this, 'lose half a stone and I'll marry you' mentality. Or they will say, 'she would be alright if she lost a couple of stone.' I didn't realise women could be just as damning.

Joysmum full marks to your posts. It gives me hope that I can lose my regained weight. Like you, all 6.5 stone of it. I weigh seventeen and a half stone, which at five foot two inches tall makes me a dress size 20. So I'm the same dress size I was on my wedding day in 1994. Some women are proud of being slim enough to fit back into their wedding dress and see it as a goal. I'm not, I don't !

When I was this fat first time round I needed a dress size 24. I don't know why I'm smaller at the same weight, but there it is. In fact to lose a further stone in weight would take me to my ultimate goal of weighing ten stone.

The difference between me and OP's husband is that I want to lose weight. My husband does not nag me about it, in fact, he loves curvy girls. So, let me accentuate my curves by losing the fat that is covering them. Oh it will also get my BMI down which will suit my doctor and reduce my risk of weight related illnesses which will suit all parties.

I'm not understanding the defiance/avoidance that is coming from OP's husband. He agreed to go to the doctor and then totally sidestepped the reason he went then also made some excuse not to go swimming.

Why won't he acknowledge or address his weight or eating patterns ?