My DP has put a lot of weight on.

[Cleansheetsandbedding]

I sound horrible.

He has put quite a few stone on and is classed as obese. He has poor health because of this weight, bad hips and joints, always thirsty (because of his addiction to sugary drinks) can't play his sports any more.

He has got really lazy, won't go to the gym any more. It's a waste of a direct debit every month. Ive tried talking to him about what he is doing to his body as in higher chances of heart attack or diabetes and he always promises to do somthing about it.

I cook very healthy meals for him and meals to take to work so he isn't eating shit but come weekend he just gorges on crap. I just went down stairs and he was cooking a pack of noodles less than an hour after eating a huge Sunday dinner (he cooked it) and pudding and Ice scream he is Massively over eating and buying shit food in and giving it to our two year old (fucking sherbet dip, chocolate) I need him to take responsibility for his own health.

I don't fancy him any more and he knows as he always says 'you don't fancy me anymore' but I can't admit it as I don't want to hurt him and end up saying i do.

He is such a handsome bloke but I didn't choose to go out with someone that is nearly 20 stone. (That's sounds really mean)

I keep myself in shape, so I think he is being really selfish not to even try.

I don't want to leave because other than him not giving a shit about himself he is kind, generous, thoughtful, funny, loving, brilliant father I could write a million good points about him but I don't want to fall in to a relationship where I'm not sexually attracted to my lover.

We have talked about this a million times and now immat the point where you lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

I don't know what to say or do to make him realise he has to make a change for us both.

Any ideas?

One of my clients' wife left him because he was obese - he was devasted and a broken man.....then he lost the weight and she took him back. She had tried everything before that - nothing worked.

Another couple I know I can see this on the horizon. They are settled and had a baby a year ago - she has shifted her baby weight and looks a million dollars - he is too content and piling the weight on. Not fair on his whole family

I wouldn't have sex with or want to be with someone who is 20 stone.

It's completely unfair and unreasonable to expect a partner to be accepting of a massive weight gain. No matter what sex you are.

Wotsitisareafterme
That first story is horrible. He lost weight out of being emotionally broken. So she got what she wanted for his body by putting him through misery. Do you really think it's sustainable either? He loses weight out of misery. He'll gain when happier again. Will she leave again? This is so very controlling.
The second story. How is it unfair on the whole family for him to have a bigger body? This clearly isn't about health as you claim she 'looks a million dollars'. She may do in your opinion. Not everyone equates thinness to attractiveness

Nottodaysatan
Do you think people purposely hair weight to piss their partner off?
It isn't unreasonable for your body to change often without you realising and then your partner be angry!
You may not want to stay with them but be aware people's bodies change. They age, change weight, get sick, they can get hurt. You're meant to love a person for who they are. Don't act like you are some kind of victim if your partners body changes.

Wotsitsareafterme

Sorry, those stories are vile.
I come back to my previous point, imagine gender reversal.

One of my clients' husbands left her because she was obese - she was devasted and a broken woman.....then she lost the weight and he took her back. he had tried everything before that - nothing worked.

Everyone would be accusing the man of being lots of awful things, somehow though it's not so bad the other way around? What a horrible thing to do to someone.

Your language seems deliberately chosen to portray weight gain as some unavoidable and totally blameless occurrence box.

It's not. With rare exceptions it's caused by greed and laziness.

And I don't find greed and laziness attractive.

And at 20 stone aka morbidly obese someone's ability to be a fit active parent would be severely hindered. To allow that because you don't want to stop eating pies is crappy parenting.

Def sounds like type 2 diabetes.
Does he see his Dr?

His body, his choice. You can't lose it for him.
Take out a life insurance policy on him and tape it to the refrigerator. It is extreme, but then again, is it really? Untreated diabetes can lead to a medical crisis that is often fatal (as it was to my bil at 53yo).

This is an emotional struggle for you, cleansheets as it would be for anyone in these circumstances. Maybe even consider getting yourself some help in coping with it through a counsellor.

Good luck

Nottodaysatan
That isn't true that being a higher weight hinders your ability to parent. It may for some people but not everyone. That's a completely blanket statement. Many people parent perfectly at a higher weight. You can't just make stuff up.
I'm not saying you have to be in a relationship with someone overweight if you don't want to but to throw away a marriage or LTR over something so shallow is very sad.

A relative of mine used to eat like that. He gorged his way up to 38 stone while his wife was a tall but petite size 12.

Hed had a very harsh upbringing. Food was in very short supply and they were very poor. After his first weeks work at the age of 16 , he went out and bought himself a trolley of food and thus the pattern began.

He was a hugely handsome guy. He got slimmer of the year at one of the slimming clubs.

Then he ate himself back up to 38 stone. His wife loved him but found it hard to cope. It affected their sex lives as well as everyday life. Going for a walk was virtually impossible.

Despite having counselling he could not control his enormous appetite. Going out for a meal he could eat enough to fill three people.notsure about diabetes but it certainly affe ted his thyroid.

Sadly his bowel cancer was missed not long after he got down to 18 stone after 2 years of dieting it off. By the time it was discovered it was stage 4 and he lived for one year passing away aged just 56.

I m convinced his sugar laden diet contributed to his health condition so I can well understand your concern. How it can be remedied I don't know.

His wife wanted to leave a couple of tims but felt she couldn't leave a sick man and one that she loved. It was like three n the marriage, him, her and the weight.

My new husband and I have an unwritten pact about keeping as well, healthy and trim as we reasonably can. Love handles are allowed lol! But I hope if he ever sees me gorging myself on cream cakes, chocolate, alcohol or whatever I hope he'd say something as I would him.

This view might not be popular with everyone but works for us.

I hope he can sort himself out. He sounds lovely but I do wonder if the jolly jester side of him is masking some emotional pain that takes comfort in food.

Being fat affects a whole family
My was overweight her whole life and was the only person I know who would butter fried bread!
She had her stomach stapled at one point but still managed to put on weight
She eventually had a stroke aged 58 and was in a nursing home, fighting with me daily because I wouldn't bring in biscuits for her
My dad couldn't cope with the stress and whilst visiting her, dropped down dead of a heart attack in front of her aged 59
She died a month later
She basically spent her whole life digging her grave with her knife and fork
These are the consequences of not addressing a weight problem
Maybe you let your husband read this

That should say my mum

She basically spent her whole life digging her grave with her knife and fork

So sorry to hear that ovary hill. 58 and 59 is just too young. Very sad.

Ovary

I overeat when I'm feeling very down
My partner saying they don't fancy me anymore would make that worse
I'd take the health route - tell him you want to go to the GP together because you're really worried he's going to have a heart attack or stroke, leaving your kids with no father. Tell him you're terrified he'll die and that you'll do whatever it takes to get his weight on the healthy range again. Ask him what he needs you to do

With rare exceptions it's caused by greed and laziness.

That's a bit extreme. That's the same as saying of alcoholism with rare exceptions, it's cause by drinking too much and no will power. In lots of cases, it is far more complicated.

I agree that a lot of people are overweight are due to greed and laziness. But plenty of people (especially morbidly obese) are overweight and over eat due to underlying psychological issues. No one gets to be 20 stone just because they like pizza and hate the gym. You can actually eat A LOT and taking into account calories burned in an average day just be a overweight rather than morbidly obese. To be that heavy, you need to be seriously committed to over-eating; it's beyond eating for hunger/greed.

There is a lot more going on.

But I hope if he ever sees me gorging myself on cream cakes, chocolate, alcohol or whatever I hope he'd say something as I would him.

"If he ever see me" - what bizarre wording.

Must be fun in your house waiting for a ticking off from the food police.
God! A bit of indulgence occasionally won't kill you.

Weight gain affects ability to parent in the sense that one ought to take responsibility for health and a long life - you know - be alive for your children.

Not everyone equates thinness to attractiveness? Blooming health is sexy and attractive - morbid obesity with associated health conditions isn't.

I think you need to be honest with him.

While you lie he can deny his weight gain.

My husband and I have yoyoed weights over the years, I loved him at his heaviest but he was just chunky not obese.

If you don't find him attractive then you don't find him attractive.

I was once told the same by my husband when I went the other way and was underweight to the point of being ill- he told me I looked gaunt and not as healthy as I used to and he wasn't as attracted to me as before I lost all the weight.

It shocked me and when I told my best friend (in indignation) she turned around and said she was worried about me and had to agree with him- that made me actually do something about it and stop lying to myself.

There's also nothing more upsetting then watching someone you love hurt themselves and feeling unable to say, which is what he is doing to his body by gaining so much weight he now has health issues.

Next time he asks don't you fancy me I would say 'yes you have put on weight and I'm worried about how ill you are making yourself. I'll always love you, you'e my best friend but I'm not as attracted to you as I used to be.'

Overeating is nothing to do with greed
It's using food for every emotion, stuffing down your sadness with cakes, relieving your boredom with biscuits, de stressing your day with anmassive Chinese, even happy occasions revolve around food, going shopping revolves around where to go for lunch and almost having to be stretchered out of the restaurant because you've eaten too much
Going home and feeling terrible about how much you've eaten and making it better with sweet tea and chocolate
Promising you'll be better tomorrow and just having the one biscuit but feel guilty at having it, what will relieve the guilt? Fuck it, I'll just eat the whole packet
And so it goes on and on and on until you can learn another way of dealing with your emotions

Wotsits
Not everyone overweight is unhealthy and not everyone thin is healthy. Like is said it is your opinion that thinness is attractive to you. Don't generalise.
What a ridiculous thing to say that your a bad parent if you do anything that could possibly impact your own health. Are all smokers terrible bad parents then?

I've had a similar experience with my exh who became morbidly obese. As predicted he's just had a stroke. And he's not yet 50.

Your not doing him any favours by telling him you still find him attractive. There's really no motivation for him to make any serious changes. I would tell him and I also wouldn't have sex with him anymore. What he does with the information is up to him, but I would consider a lack of action to mean he didn't care about me or our marriage.

You need to stop feeling guilty or mean. It's not fair of him to potentially have you being his carer after a heart attack or stroke.

This happened to me. XH went from 11 stone when we got married to 19. I continually told him it was bad for his health etc etc and was told he was happy as he was.

I then tried the "I don't find fat men attractive" tack but was told that was tough and he wasn't going to change.

After we'd split, he decided to lose weight!!

DH and I made it part of our wedding vows (we wrote our own) to take care of our physical and mental health and to support and encourage each other to do the same. We borrowed the idea of making a commitment to a certain lifestyle from part of the Hindu wedding ceremony, but the Christian tradition has a similar intent when you make promises "With my body I honour you". It's part of promising to your spouse to be the best version of you that you can be.

Neglecting your physical health by overeating, and failing to address the mental reasons behind that is, in my view, failing to keep your side of the wedding vows.

It's one thing to say "I'm struggling at the moment and I'm doing the best I can but I've slipped a bit" and quite another to say "I'm not going to try even though I know it causes you to worry about my health and the quality of our future together". I don't think the OP is being shallow or nasty in feeling that her DH is not honouring their marriage.