So so angry...

[Winniethewylde]

I'm in tears of absolute anger and hatred here. Probably being totally dramatic but just have to rant.

My STBEXH who I am divorcing for his unreasonable behaviour has just returned from shopping with an Apple Watch proudly on his arm. Meanwhile I'm scrapping every one of my pennies together (no savings, SAHM) by selling things on eBay, etc to pay for the solicitor I instructed. Maybe I'm just jealous that I don't have that kind of money to throw around but I'm bloody seething.

Sorry, pretty pointless post really.

Wow, this is a really horrible situation for you to be in and it sounds like you are desperately trying to protect your children which I completely understand but it's at the detriment to your own sanity and well being. I agree with other posters that you need to toughen up a bit and set some ground rules in place. Sleeping arrangements have got to change because at the moment you don't have even somewhere to sleep that he isn't also present which can't be relaxing...!

I think you need to sit down with him and talk money. He needs to disclose his financial situation and you both need to agree what happens to the house. It may be better for you to sell the house, split the money and then start afresh entirely.

I hope you are ok, this does sound very stressful. Try and protect yourself a bit and put in place some new rules - if he comes home late from work there is no reason you should be cooking for him, he's a big boy but I can understand if he is around for dinner then eating as a family is ideal. There are ways to keep a divorce amicable but you both have to work at it - you can't do it all.

Wishing you luck!

If you want to remain in the current property then you have to be able to afford too. If there is enough assets to sell the property and both of you get suitable homes, then this is what a court would expect. Your H cant live in a pension, so trading all of the equity for pension and getting spousal maintenance is unlikely unless there are other assets such as savings that he can use for a deposit.

He will be being advised not to move out and why should he, if its you that wants the divorce, maybe you should consider moving out and renting.

Although I'm divorcing him, it has been discussed for months and months prior. We've had counselling, jointly and individually and numerous talks so it isn't something I've decided on my own. He completely agreed, it's just I've been the one to have the balls to do something about it. Like everything in our marriage, he'll just sit back and let someone else do all the work and take responsibility.

With regards to him moving out, well I don't know what he brings home every month as he won't tell me so he may well have enough to rent somewhere for all I know. If he has the cash to splash around on gadgets and gizmos then surely he isn't short. I have nothing at all, how would I move out and rent with 2 kids while he gets a big house to knock around in?

That sounds horrific. My mum and dad are living in the same house and getting divorced it's horrible. The atmosphere is toxic. Can you squirrel money away from the shopping - get some cash back each week and keep it safe ?

eBay won't pay for a lawyer. What are you ebaying?! And I also think your lawyer is rubbish. You don't know enough of the process and how it fits your situation which your lawyer should have told you during your free half hour.

Have you any RL friends who are divorced? Can you ask if their lawyers were any good?

There needs to be an interim solution as house sales or not etc can take months and months. Does you dh want to divorce? If he does he will do what he can to speed up the process and put up a bed in the playroom.

You can't protect your DC completely from change as that's the point of divorce. change isn't always a bad thing.

Your solicitor sounds bloody useless. Your husband is just totally taking the piss out of you. What's changed in his life since you filed for divorce? Fuck all. He's enjoying flaunting his cash while he sees you ebaying stuff.

You're a SAHM because you've been looking after his children. Have you considered the Freedom Programme? I think it would be really beneficial for you.

Every time you go to the shops OP, take out cashback. Every time. Build up a little slush fund.

Is his company a limited company? If so, he has to file financials at Companies House. It won't be a true picture of his own assets but it will give the solicitor a starting point.

Definitely starte being less available . As a PP said, go out when he comes in. And stop cooking and washing for him. Most defintely stop cleaning with him. He needs to start realising that this is real

And get the house valued. That'll let him know you're serious. Make sure he's home when the estate agent comes round

Once again, thank you for all the comments. It keeps being said that my solicitor is useless. I have never had to do this or use a solicitor before so I am pretty clueless on it. I don't know anyone who has divorced either so recommendation wasn't a possibility. He is a family law specialist but as this process has only just started I have only met with him twice. He has been doing a lot of digging for me re H's company and has sent me Companies House links, he has also done a lot of research re H's assets, again he has sent me details. At this stage what would a SHL as such be doing that he is not? Maybe I should be contacting him more about stuff? I just don't know

Have you googled stuff about living together but separate? I'm not an expert I'm afraid but I understood that the perceived wisdom is to do just that - live seperately

I think you need to sit down with him and talk money.

He's not going to talk money! No point going there.

You need a lawyer who understands the dynamics of domestic abuse. You may feel you aren't in a domestic abuse situation but you are at least being financially abused (re him keeping the joint account short, you have no idea how much he earns) which comes under the term 'domestic abuse'.

You can do the rooting around yourself to save on lawyers fees eg you could do the legwork re companies house.

Womens Aid are the people to get in touch with to get genned up on what to do. Look at their site first then perhaps email or call (though lines are busy during the day so it's better to call at night) 0808 2000 247.

I'd bet most of us had never had any dealings with a solicitor before our divorce - you learn on the hoof.

What concerns me is you're assuming he's going to be decent and reasonable. He very clearly has no intention of being decent and reasonable when it comes to money. You've given him acres of space to hide everything (all those months of talking - he was going yeah yeah but busy squirrelling everything away on the quiet).

You are entitled to a great deal and your solicitor should have made that clear at your first appointment. The fact you're talking about 1. leaving the marital home and 2. thinking you're going to need to rent shows your solicitor did not inform you of your rights. Not all resident parents (usually the mother) end up with the marital home until the youngest is 18 but if your partner is loaded then it's likely you will. For example.

You need to keep quiet about your intentions. He is not your friend and, like my ex, very probably intends to keep you as strapped as possible. As he probably has done all along, throughout your marriage.

That's where I need to make changes then. I've been trying to be friendly, not rocking the boat, being helpful etc in the hope that this divorce can be amicable for the children's sake. I'm scared though that if I start standing up for myself, not doing his washing etc the situation will become even more intolerable than it already is.

You are right, he isn't my friend and I guess I need to stop pretending that he is. I don't think he will be very pleasant to live with if I don't continue with the charade and then I worry the children will notice. He wouldn't do anything physically but I'm very emotional about the whole thing and it's hard to stay strong and seemingly uncaring.

I just wish he would move out but I suppose like someone said, his solicitor will be advising him not to.

You sound very isolated, love

Have you spoken to any friends or family about what is happening in

Really, you are not obliged to provide domestic services for him. Living together while a divorce goes through means sleeping under the same roof but that should be the extent of it.

*in real life

I'd say that if doing something is making you feel uncomfortable and like a mug, then there's a reason for that - so stop doing it

I expect if you start being a bit more assertive, you'll feel stronger and less emotional too. With the added bonus that it'll really piss on his chips too

I'm a mess quite frankly. My parents, family and very close friends know. None of these people have been through anything like this so while they are supportive they don't really understand. I'm also having counselling on s regular ish basis.

I just want it all over and to have a happy home with my darling dcs. None of this shit.

Aww, that sounds really rough.

Sounds like your solicitor needs another phone call from you. If you knew how he was progressing your case (or not) you would feel more empowered. Not every solicitor is a good fit.

Maybe try posting in legal and see if anyone more in the know thinks what action has been taken so far is appropriate. We don't really know from here, and tbh it sounds like neither do you. For that alone, it sounds like your solicitor is not working for you.

Oh you poor woman. It sounds like a very stressful and upsetting situation. And when I say that I hope it helps you to know that it is perfectly understandable that you feel stressed and upset - anyone would.

I think you have to take another step though because as things stand your H is just banking on the status quo continuing and that you'll eventually give up and go back to "normal"

Have you actually filed for divorce? If not, and you want it over then why hasn't your lawyer done this? What's his plan of action? Posting in legal is a very good idea for you, on here. does your dh have a ltd company?

Re the form e, you both fill one in and the lawyers swap. You get a copy and then start asking questions via lawyers. Do you know how much your mortgage is per month?

I also say post in legal. Also why not say what county you're in and someone here or in legal can maybe recommend a solicitor.

Belonging to the family law society or similar or simply claiming to be does not make a solicitor a specialist. That may be the area they practice in doesn't mean they're any good.

I have filed for divorce but it's very early stages. A letter has gone to my H and he has 14 days to respond. It only arrived on Saturday and when I asked my H this morning he said he wasn't going to respond yet as he has 14 days. Also he's annoyed as apparently I used the solicitor that he was going to. What else can I do at this stage?

Just want to say you're not being crap about this. We all had to learn from a jump start. He sounds like a particularly shit sort of person, if you don't mind my saying, and you're bending over backwards to protect the kids - and he's quite happy with that!

So many of us have been where you are Winnie -though not all of us had to live with the goblin through the process. I do feel for you.

It sounds like you had things quite 'peaceful', considering, and now we've piled in and now you're all over the place, feel like you're being crap, your solicitor is crap yaddy yadda. If it helps at all, most of went through a few solicitors before we got the one who was prepared to go for it in the best way. And all of us were like headless chickens, the stress unbelievable - him mucking about, not replying.

Back to the watch: he did that on purpose to get to you. He knows you don't have any money. He's making this difficult. I hope that doesn't stress you out more - it probably will but it may also open your eyes to see what you're dealing with. He's not a nice man from what you've said.

Keep posting if you can stand it. Sorry it's so hard for you xx

Is it wrong that I feel really really delighted that you've used "his" solicitor

Best to let him know you've seen a couple of others too as they won't be able to act for him either. Shame that!

I would post in legal AND relationships asking in your subject line for divorce advice. There are many women on here who've been through it and can advise you.

You're not being crap. You're trying to limit damage to your children but unfortunately that isn't going to work unless your STBXH is doing the same. And he isn't so the person who's getting all the collateral damage is you. If you stop all the wifework, he may move out a bit faster too which would be much more pleasant for all of you I'd imagine.

Pretty sure that ultimately, the same solicitor cannot represent you. Bit baffled they didn't tell you, it's s conflict of interest?