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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So so angry...

106 replies

Winniethewylde · 18/10/2015 16:46

I'm in tears of absolute anger and hatred here. Probably being totally dramatic but just have to rant.

My STBEXH who I am divorcing for his unreasonable behaviour has just returned from shopping with an Apple Watch proudly on his arm. Meanwhile I'm scrapping every one of my pennies together (no savings, SAHM) by selling things on eBay, etc to pay for the solicitor I instructed. Maybe I'm just jealous that I don't have that kind of money to throw around but I'm bloody seething.

Sorry, pretty pointless post really.

OP posts:

traviata · 18/10/2015 19:30

No, "he's not allowed to buy a watch for himself" because everything THEY have now has to be split between two households to give them all the chance of a decent future and make sure the DC don't go without. In most families there is no surplus, not usually even enough to provide two homes. It is SO not the time to be buying expensive little gadgets.

are you the OP's DH, IrishDad?

Original poster

Winniethewylde · 18/10/2015 19:32

I know he can spend his money as he pleases, and he does but it just hurts a little when I've got solicitors bills to pay with basically no money of my own so I'm having to borrow from my parents to do it and he's clearly got money to throw around but hasn't offered to help pay the costs.

Oh and by the way, he already has a watch so it's not like this was a necessity.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 18/10/2015 19:36

Joking post aside, I'm staggered that he's expecting or even accepting that you cook food for him. Has he said nothing about it? And what other 'chores' are you doing? In fact, do you still share the same bed?

traviata · 18/10/2015 19:37

you can make an application to court for a legal services payment from him if it can't be done by agreement.

Matrimonial Causes Act 22ZA and 22ZB, see here

let him buy a watch from his share of the assets, and if that means he has less to spend on rehousing, so be it.

timelytess · 18/10/2015 19:38

I understand completely. When my marriage broke up, dd and I lived in poverty for 20 years while she grew up. Meanwhile, her father took three holidays a year.

He's dead now. It wasn't my doing but I can't say I feel too bad about it.

Onedirectionarestillloved · 18/10/2015 19:46

Timely tees-lol!

Op stop doing any chores for him it will make you feel resentful.

It won't benefit you in any way .

Try and get things sorted soon so that you don't live in the same house as him. The sooner the better for you and the dcs.

You will one day not give a hoot about what your ex does and doesn't do.

lorelei9 · 18/10/2015 19:51

timelytess "He's dead now. It wasn't my doing but I can't say I feel too bad about it."

I've had a lurgy for a week now and I think this is the first time I've actually roared with laughter - thank you

Anniegetyourgun · 18/10/2015 19:53

It was a few years ago now so I suppose things may be different, but I was advised by my solicitor to separate as far as possible under the same roof ie to avoid doing communal cooking, laundry etc, as it would weaken my case for unreasonable behaviour if we were still living as a couple. Yours seems to be advising the complete opposite. Does he/she specialise in family or divorce law?

springydaffs · 18/10/2015 19:54

I could have written your post word for word tess!

Do you really have to live in the same house for another year, op??!!

I remember saying to my ex that we (me and kids) were still living in that ferreting behind sofa cushions for pennies thing. While he took the kids on month-long holidays to the Caribbean. I should have saved my breath tbf. But it was sooooo galling.

It's going to be hard for you to have all this in your face, op. At least, ffs!, stop making his life cushy. Please! There doesn't have to be an atmosphere, just be matter of fact. Housemates, he sees to himself on all things domestic.

Original poster

Winniethewylde · 18/10/2015 20:02

I'm hoping it won't take a year Springy, 6 months maybe? I just meant at the very least that this time next year we'd be free.

Yes, my solicitor is a family law specialist. We haven't started mediation yet and I was hoping that the more amicable we can be the quicker and easier it will be.

It's so bloody hard, I so wanted to be able to get on and so co parent effectively. I'd love him to say he's going to move out but so far he hasn't.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 18/10/2015 20:15

When do you plan to tell the children and have you discussed that with him?

Are you stil sharing the same bed?

Original poster

Winniethewylde · 18/10/2015 20:31

We planned to tell them when it has been decided who was living where. I can't see that unsettling them now and then giving them hope as we are still under the same roof is fair? Isn't that the norm?

And yes, we are. Its soul destroying. I go to bed at least an hour before he does so I'm asleep by the time he goes. We have no spare room.

OP posts:

Original poster

Winniethewylde · 18/10/2015 20:36

I'm really sorry if I'm coming across as a complete fool. I've never done this before, I'm thrown by it and I'm doing what I can to cope under horrible circumstances. I really do appreciate all the comments though, I'm taking it all on board to hopefully give me more strength to get through this.

OP posts:

TheoriginalLEM · 18/10/2015 20:38

So, you are cooking his dinner - let that watch provide you inspiration for pudding.

Poison apple pie! or at the very least, a laxative!

What a cunt.

LyndaNotLinda · 18/10/2015 20:43

Do you mean you're sleeping in the same bed?!

Original poster

Winniethewylde · 18/10/2015 20:45

Yes

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 18/10/2015 21:06

Is the occasional blow job, just to keep him sweet, still on the table ?

Original poster

Winniethewylde · 18/10/2015 21:07

Actually no. We haven't had sex or even kissed for over 3 years.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 18/10/2015 21:12

That was uncalled for AF

AnyFucker · 18/10/2015 21:17

Not really.

donajimena · 18/10/2015 21:18

Not like you AF! except that you said something similarly uncalled for to me under my previous account

lorelei9 · 18/10/2015 21:25

OP I wonder if you have misunderstood your solicitor. Sharing a bed and cooking dinner isn't necessary!

The Apple Watch cost a damn sight more than a folding bed. I live in a really small flat and even I could find room for that, yes it would be a hassle to open it out nightly and move other stuff to the wall etc, and it might be fairer to take turns sleeping on it, but still.

And you're divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour, I'm wondering what it was. I'm also wondering if he's even taking it seriously that you are divorcing him and if he doesn't believe it, I wouldn't blame him.

The assets will be split anyway so why on earth should you eBay things to pay for a solicitor?

AnyFucker · 18/10/2015 21:31

Then it is like me

I would no more do this man's cooking, laundry and other general shitwork than suck his cock

In terms of how much respect he must still have for you that you still service him domestically even though he deliberately flaunts his new BoyToys, it wouldn't surprise me if he still expected his "conjugal rights"

Op's solicitor appears to agree

Everytimeref · 18/10/2015 21:34

If he moved out all he would be expected to pay is child maintenance, so possible the solicitors is saying financially its better if you maintain the status quo.

How do you intend to pay for mortgage, bills etc when you finally divorce?

lavenderhoney · 18/10/2015 21:42

Do you have a joint bank account? If so, then pay the lawyer from that. Like he is paying his. If you don't have a joint account, how are the bills and shopping being paid for?

If you are doing the food shopping from the joint account, I suggest you always get cash back and tuck it away in cash where he can't find it. And don't buy his food!

He's unlikely to move out if you're still cooking, cleaning and running about after him. And sharing a bed! Can't he go in the sofa? I presume he plans to move out so it should be him doing it.

You can talk before mediation and get stuff agreed. Mediation is expensive. Ask him what he plans to do, when he is moving out, how much he plans to pay, and child access - you need to suggest what you want as well, not ask him to decide.

Then at mediation, if it's not agreed before hand, you discuss what is problematical. I don't think you need mediation if it's all agreed and straightforward.

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