So so angry...

[Winniethewylde]

I'm in tears of absolute anger and hatred here. Probably being totally dramatic but just have to rant.

My STBEXH who I am divorcing for his unreasonable behaviour has just returned from shopping with an Apple Watch proudly on his arm. Meanwhile I'm scrapping every one of my pennies together (no savings, SAHM) by selling things on eBay, etc to pay for the solicitor I instructed. Maybe I'm just jealous that I don't have that kind of money to throw around but I'm bloody seething.

Sorry, pretty pointless post really.

Computer holdup.

I'm actually thinking as lorelei seems to be.

I'm wondering whether anyone - including your solicitor - thinks that you're serious about this. What was the nature of his unreasonable behaviour and how did you go about telling him the relationship was over? And how did you go about finding and instructing your solicitor?

Parts of this thread have made very very hard reading for me. It's touched raw nerves and made me see what an absolute doormat I'm being. What I'm worried about though is creating an atmosphere that my dcs will pick up on. I'm trying my absolute best to make sure they come out of this as unscathed as possible, I do realise I'm probably failing and they know more than I think (particularly the eldest).

I am deadly serious about the divorce. My H is a man child, spoilt and can see no wrong in himself. He is unsupportive, self centred and cares only about himself. Yes, I've probably enabled him to be like this but there you go. He has let me down time and time and time again. I'm not even mentioning the emotional and financial abuse.

My H is very wealthy on paper. Most assets are tied up but I'm hoping for a fair amount of child and spousal maintenance and also I'm hoping the dcs and I will be able to stay in the family home. Obviously I will be looking to return to work as well.

How do people divorce while being able to effectively co parent? Clearly my ideas on it are very misguided.

Is he reasonable ?

Are you the only one trying to protect the kids ?

The fact is, you can't amicably co-parent with someone who won't meet you half way

I don't think you can completely protect your kids. So find a way forward that preserves your self-respect. Having a calm, strong mum who deals with people in an assertive way will give your kids a great role model.

So your hoping that financially nothing will change, you just wont have you H around any more. That definitely seems misguided.
Does your H actually know you have applied for a divorce?

You've ended up with this awful situation bcs you want to protect your children. And for that you should be commended.

You know yourself, and him, best. If this is the way it will work best then keep going. Eg IF he makes things unbearable in the home then you have no choice but to roll over for this finite time. It is very hard for you but you are the one who knows what you're dealing with: a man child. A man child with a lot of money, therefore a lot of power.

You could take back some ground over a period of time eg domestically so it is imperceptible. But I wouldn't make any grand gestures iiwy. I do suspect you know precisely what you're dealing with here. If this is the price you have to pay for a short time in order to secure a long peaceful future then so be it.

OP, do you have reasonable expectation of getting half the assets?

In terms of co-parenting, I can't say I've gone through this but with friends who have, including needing to stay in the same home for about 6 months, they slept apart and made it clear what was happening. They thought it was better than one day saying "daddy is moving out soon". There's no right answer, you will know what's right for your DC.

Also wondering if your H knows about the divorce. Are you ebaying stuff because you haven't told him? Maybe you should contact Women's Aid but tbh I'd ne er heard of them till I joined MN so not sure.

Also puzzled, if he has money why doesn't he move out?

Omg!

1 read these 2 threads:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2488906-just-found-out-his-friend-isnt-just-a-friend-2

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2481800-Just-found-out-his-friend-isnt-just-a-friend?trending=1

2 get a MUCH BETTER solicitor yours sounds pathetically useless

3 is he paying all the household costs and food etc? If not as you are no longer a couple you could be entitled to benefits BUT you need to not be living 'as a couple' as in sharing a bed and cooking for him (wtf!!)

4 this will not be helping the dc it will just be very confusing for them especially when you do go and live in different houses.

He should be on the sofa and not benefitting from you being there in any way. No cooking, laundry etc.

That would instill anger in anyone!!!!!

He won't move out. He says he can't afford to and wants to sell the family home to allow us both to buy a place but that isn't what I want. He is fully aware that I have filed for divorce as well.

I'm hoping for at least 50/50, like I said most assets are tied up and his business is a major one so I'm not entirely sure how it will pan out. Possibly the house, a few assets etc will offset his pension etc etc. The fact that in terms of the children the best I can hope for on a regular basis is every other weekend then that should stand me in good stead.

My children are most definitely the most precious thing in all this. I am trying everything I can to protect them. I realise this has been to the determinant of my self respect, self confidence and self esteem but I'm hoping to work on that when he has gone.

For these reasons I don't want to rock the boat too much, we've been doing things separately with the children at weekends, he leaves for work early and gets home late so he's not around all that much in the week. The one thing I can do though with a bit of effort is move a bed into the playroom though.

Oh and I'm eBaying stuff as I literally have no money of my own. I do have access to the joint account though. Is that what people do then? Pay for solicitors with that?

Winnie It is fucking hard living together whilst separating, the hardest thing you will ever do.

I totally understand you not wanting to cause a horrible atmosphere and keep things stable for the DC's sake.

However things do need to change.

You don't need to do it overnight, but start making little changes, if you are usually at home every dinner time, arrange to be at a friends or family members house for dinner with the DC's.
Don't tell him, just breeze back in after a lovely evening out with the kids.

Start just doing less for him without making a huge fuss over it.

Also start living your life, go out one night a week, once kids are in bed, even if it is to a friends round hpthe corner for bloody coffee.

again don't tell him, or make a big deal, just pick up the keys and say see you later, only be an hour, and go, why not do a gym class? Even if you sit in the bloody pub by yourself reading.

Small steps, small things, all add up. You need to stand on your own two feet a little, and not be walked over.

Then by time he does eventually fuck off, you will be stronger for it.

Does he know you are ebaying stuff? What is the agreement on the joint account and what does it have in it? Not nosing for your account balance, just asking to sort this stuff for yourself so you know.

I'd be suspicious that he can't afford to move and suspicious that he is trying to buy time to hide assets from you.

Someone who has been divorced will hopefully be along to talk you through that one, have you got copies of asset related paperwork? You need them.

I don't know why you're being advised to read those other very long threads but I too am wondering if your solicitor is crap or if you aren't giving them enough info to help you.

Thank you Lady some good ideas there that I am going to do. You're right, at the moment I don't have a life outside of the home, school and kids really so I will work to change that. It will make a difference to me I'm sure.

Lorelei the problem I have is that he isn't being open about his assets. I've asked him time and time again and he won't tell me. He will have to now but I'm rather clueless other than guesswork on the potential value of things. Solicitor is currently working on this and obviously H will need to complete form E etc.

The joint account is kept at a minimum, for reasons only he knows, he then tops it up when it runs really low. I have no idea about his personal finances and yes, he could be hiding things. He seems to be able to buy gadgets, equipment for his hobbies fairly readily.

What info do I need to be giving my solicitor? I don't know if he's any good as I haven't done this before. I had a few free half hours and warmed to him the most, isn't that all I can go on?

OP, he won't tell you, he probably perceives you as being quite toothless. In terms of lying about assets, this recent news is good news for you

www.theguardian.com/law/2015/oct/14/women-right-reopen-divorce-settlements-supreme-court

Other than that, time to nose into as much as you can and get your solicitor on to it. Have you searched Companies House website to see if his businesses are registered there? Does he have other property?

Perhaps most importantly, does he believe you mean business and will crack on with it? Stopping cooking dinner will help with that. I'm not joking, it's bleeping important.

Time after time I see people getting divorced and you know what? People get over their broken hearts. Broken finances, unless you have the ability to make a lot of money fast....no getting over those. Get on with it, take it seriously. You'll have a nervous breakdown playing charades in front of the kids while desperately ebaying things to pay your solicitor. And you know you're not the kids any good any way.

My blood pressure is, as a norm, very low. I can feel it going up so I will be off now

It's his own business? Oh my, that's not good

I suppose it's too late now for you to collect financial evidence? That should have been done before you announced you wanted to divorce.

Look, I was married to a rich bastard and controlling man. We had a 'joint account' but in name only. I was so controlled I didn't touch the account or have any idea what was in it. The day I asked at the bank for the balance was a big day, a big breakthrough day. So you don't need to feel ashamed. Plenty of us have been where you are. Did I think anything like that would happen to me? Not in a million years. Boiled frog.

Sadly, he also had his own business and managed to make most of his assets vanish by the time it came to a settlement.

Get in touch with Women's Aid to get a list of solicitors in your area who are experienced in domestic abuse - or controlling relationships, if you will.

Also, solicitors take payment once the settlement comes through. Your solicitor does indeed sound a bit crap.

He won't move out. He says he can't afford to and wants to sell the family home to allow us both to buy a place but that isn't what I want.

Is that not what usually happens though?

Stay strong winnie
I would say to arm yourself with information, read all you can, he may think you are a walk over, but have a dig around, look into accounts, paperwork, and record everything you can re earnings and assets, but play dumb.
He is playing a manipulative game, keeping you weak and maintaining his control so you will take an offer and go quietly.

It sounds to me you can see this manipulation, so work on slowly getting yourself strong, without him realising.
If you have access to the joint account start getting cash back on top of shopping, save the money.

The only thing you need to remember is afterwards it will be you and the DC's so get every dam thing you can to rebuild your life.

If you are a sahm, and presumably will be the resident parent/main carer, then you should get more than 50-50.

Here's a few things you may be entitled to:

Child maintenance
Spousal maintenance
To live in the marital home until youngest child is 18
The family car
A share of any pensions he has
To see all his bank statements and for him to fully financial disclose going back at least 2yrs.

It is a lot more difficult if he's self employed, granted - but he could find himself in hot water if he tries to hide assets from you (a lot do though).

I just recently helped a friend through divorce - and she got all the above. She was a sahm - the court recognises that you have made a career sacrifice for the benefit of the family, and so this will be accounted for in the divorce settlement.

There is no "his" money in a divorce - all your assets are joint. If he buys himself a £6K watch, after your separation, then that can come out of his share. Funnily enough, my friend's ex also cashed in an ISA and bought himself a very expensive watch. I think they think it'll stop you getting the money.

Yes he's possibly getting crap legal advice too! Hiding assets is sadly all too common.

How are you paying for food etc? I asked upthread but no answer.

I agree time to do some snooping. Sounds like the type to hide money.

Agree normally family home sold and each get somewhere out of proceeds. The ideal is the RP remaining till youngest 18 but not always feasible.

I've tried snooping but can't find a thing. I have no idea how much money he has coming in a month at all, no evidence of pay slips, bank statements nothing. Clearly he is hiding them. I have found information to make me think that he is going to be spending another large amount shortly to do with a hobby. It's nice to hear that this will be classed as an asset as maybe you're right, he is spending this money as he thinks I then can't have it. He is very financially centred.

Sorry Bacon food comes from our joint account.

I barely slept last night, I'm going to sort a separate bed out today. Thanks for all the comments, I really do appreciate it.