Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Someone has reported me to SS.....

101 replies

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/10/2015 11:30

My anxiety is now through the roof and my head is pounding.

It was done anonymously, the reasons being:

DD watches shows like NCIS. Not true, I dont watch NCIS, anything I do watch she doesnt.
She watches youtube clips of GTA. Not true, only thing she watches on youtube is paw patrol and barbie things.
I have rotting food in the kitchen. Not true, I have a compost bin outside my front door for it.
There is no where to sit down in the living because it's so cluttered. Not true, you can walk in to my living and sit without having to move anything.
She never says please or thank you. It's true for strangers, but not for people she knows. We are working on it.
She doesnt talk to people and she just sits and stares at them. Not true, she doesnt stare, she just isnt sure how to talk to them. she is very shy around people she doesnt know. Around people she does she will talk to them like any normal 8 year old would.

I've been a single mum for 6 years without little support from her father, this is the 3rd time, I've had this. It makes me feel like a evil mother from hell and I dont deserve to have her.

I have no idea who would call up about me. I havent pissed anyone off to warrant a malicious report, only people who come over are friends and family.

Just need to vent about it, because crying isnt helping.

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 14/10/2015 11:35

Could it be her father or his family?

TheKnightsWhoSayNi · 14/10/2015 11:35

Don't be too worried if it isn't true. They'll come in, take a look and leave. Be inviting. Be nice and polite.

My XW tried something similar. They came around for a while making unannounced drop in visits for about a month. I just tried to be nice to them, they are just doing their job after all. They'll see nothing is wrong.

Remember, you hear of people saying, "they took my kids for no reason." Mainly because no one is going to say, "they took my kids because I neglected and/or abused them."

Original poster
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/10/2015 11:40

I doubt her father would do it. He hasnt seen her since end of August and the report was made yesterday. I dont think his family would.

It just makes me angry that I'm doing this alone as best as I can and working too.

I wish I knew who did it so I could ask them why.

She is going to speak to DD's school if no concerns there, which there shouldnt be, she'll close the close.

OP posts:
mrstweefromtweesville · 14/10/2015 11:40
Flowers I have no experience of SS, but as someone who brought up a daughter alone, I know what it is to fear them. Don't worry about who called them - it could be malicious, it could be a misinterpretation of things they've observed. Make a list of what you're getting right, and of the people who might be able to back you up on that, as a quick way of rebuilding your confidence.

My then next-door-neighbour was brilliant when I told her of my fears (I think the ex had threatened me with SS again) and said she'd go to any interview or court to tell them how well I looked after my dd. She and I weren't particularly 'friends', but she'd seen enough to know the child was well cared for and she was angry that anyone would try to say otherwise.

Original poster
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/10/2015 11:45

I dont who would do it maliciously. It'd be someone who knew me, because they knew both me and DD by name. And would know about her social anxiety.

Only people who have been over mine recently are the gas safety man, my mum, who would clean my house if there was speck of dirt on the kitchen top.

OP posts:
LisbethSalandersLaptop · 14/10/2015 11:46

Tali first of all, try to calm down.
Whoever made the report is someone who knows you quite well and has been in your house. Dismiss them from your mind.
As you know what the 'issues' are , does that mean that a SW has phoned you? or written to you?
SS are quite used to malicious reports but are duty bound to follow them up.
You can go through that list with a SW the same way you have done with us. They might ask the school if they have any concerns as well.
Just try not to worry too much.

Original poster
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/10/2015 11:50

They phoned me earlier. I had a lengthy call with her. It worries me because the first time when we SS involvement, when both of us really needed the support, I was treated like I was shit on someones shoe. Second time, they werent involved for long. I dont need this shit again.

I still nearly have a panic attack when someone knocks at the door.

OP posts:
LisbethSalandersLaptop · 14/10/2015 11:52

OK so you have had a long talk with the SW. Is he/she going to follow that with a visit?
I felt the same about the door for a long time Tali, esp after a malicious call from a neighbour to SS. This will pass.

Original poster
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/10/2015 11:55

She said if the school had no concerns and she didnt call back, I should consider the case closed.

As the for the door thing. It's been like that for years, I dont think it's going away anytime soon.

OP posts:
LisbethSalandersLaptop · 14/10/2015 11:58

oh that is great Tali, hang in there.
I do know what you mean about the door, it was enough to make me move somewhere quite remote.....
And now that the children have finished school, I will move right away. I love my children but the stress of it all has nearly finished me off..Confused

Original poster
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/10/2015 12:04

I guess it depends on the school now. What will they have to say about it.

OP posts:
redannie118 · 14/10/2015 12:13

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

LineyReborn · 14/10/2015 12:22

I went ballistic when this happened to me.

I used a Data Protection Act 'Subject Access Rights Notice' on the Local Authority who were then very forthcoming with a copy of the complaint which unsurprisingly was made maliciously by my ExH.

I then collated this with other instances of unacceptable behaviour and made a complaint of harassment against him to the Police. The Domestic Abuse Unit took on the case and gave him a warning.

Seriously, don't put up with this shit.

Original poster
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/10/2015 12:30

I might do that Liney. I would like to know who reported me. There is only a handful of people that have been in my house recently. I was at work yesterday too, so no one was around yesterday. Last person who knows us came around maybe a week ago.

OP posts:
stuckinahole · 14/10/2015 12:34

I live in fear of the fuckers too. You're not alone. I never ever read something positive about SS. When will they stop picking on people & get their job right

LineyReborn · 14/10/2015 12:38

I do agree with The Knights, though. Be fully co-operative with Social Services. In fact, encourage an Initial Assessment so that you have definitive proof that all your DC's needs are being met.

My DC's Head Teachers and our GP were absolutely disgusted with my ExH for his malicious allegations. Their comments in the Initial Assessment were so positive about and supportive of me, it actually gave me confidence.

So ExH's little plan to fuck with my life completely backfired.

Original poster
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/10/2015 12:39

Stuck. The first time, they treated me, a young single mum with horrible PND after I overdosed, my ex left me the same day and disappeared 300 miles for a week. I had a huge black cloud over me and they just made it bigger, offered no support at all.

All they saw was a parent who didnt give a fuck about her child. Which wasnt true, I needed help and didnt get it.

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 14/10/2015 12:41

stuck SS can't ignore allegations about children.

But you should only need to prove once that they are malicious.

And if it's part of a scheme of harassment from an Ex, they should tell you so you can act on it.

cashewnutty · 14/10/2015 13:01

stuckinahole I am a social worker and i have never picked on anyone in my life. I pride myself on my professionalism. I am there to ensure children are protected. If that means having to challenge parents about things and ask probing questions then so be it.

Malicious referrals are very common OP. You have a right to know if anyone has made such a referral and the SW has called you to advise of this. They have said they will taken no further action if the school is not concerned. I am not sure what the SW in this case has done wrong.

Original poster
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/10/2015 13:05

Its not them cash. It just brings back unpleasant memories of the first time. 4 years down the line of finally getting rid of them, then having them reappear 2 years and now 2 years after they are back again.

My life is just starting to go right and in comes in with that.

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 14/10/2015 13:08

That's why I think it's crucial to know the source of malicious complaints, Tali. It gives you your power back.

Social Services were never going to report mine to the Police. But I could and did.

Original poster
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/10/2015 13:15

Part of me worries about who it was. It would only be someone we know. We dont know that many people.

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 14/10/2015 13:17

And that someone has told lies about you, Tali. Horrible, malicious lies.

That's what really got to me.

cashewnutty · 14/10/2015 13:21

Tali I think the only thing you can do is to work out the people it could be and ask them directly. If you can't be direct tell all these people when you see them (face to face is crucial here) about the referral and how worried you are that someone has reported you anonymously and that you can't think who it could be. I would be wiling to bet the culprit would give themselves away by being very evasive or very keen to drop someone else in the shit.

LineyReborn · 14/10/2015 13:25

cashew did you see my post above? I used the Data Protection Act to find out who maliciously reported me. The Council's DPA/FoI team redacted very little. I don't think social workers are able to influence this.