Very upset with online dating (v. long)

[Clarentine]

Hello everyone.

Feeling really down today, online dating has not been working for me at all and today it's all got a bit too much for me, feeling really upset and depressed with it all.

I am 27 years old and have never had a proper boyfriend with the exception of one relationship when I was still a teenager, but we never slept together or went on any outings or anything like that, and I can barely remember it tbh, it was a long time ago and I have been single for coming up to ten years now.

I started online dating around this time last year, well it was probably around beginning of November time. Initially I got quite a few messages but it was all people from other countries, men much older than me and so on. I did reply to some messages but the conversation never got very far. Eventually I got talking to one guy at the beginning of December. We messaged and text every single day and finally arranged to meet at the end of January after eight weeks of daily messaging.

I liked him, but I could tell from his behaviour that he didn't like me. The date was very rushed, he didn't offer to pay for me (not a problem, just noted as a possible sign he probably didn't like me) and he left the date very quickly. He never text me to check I got home safely, even though it was dark as it was January (we met for dinner after work) and I had an hour and a half journey home alone on public transport. Not only that, I never heard from him again.

I wasn't like devastated as although I felt a bit disappointed, mainly I was just so pleased I had actually been on a real date after ten years! I blocked him on the website and began again.

After a few months around March/April time I met online what I thought was a great guy. He was very handsome and kind and funny and had a good job. He wanted to meet straight away but after the last fiasco I was feeling a bit shy and said no. We carried on messaging and eventually we met up for dinner and the cinema. He was very romantic on the date and it went really well, he complimented me and I could tell he liked me, he paid for me and the conversation was really natural, afterwards he contacted me straight away and we carried on messaging. We went on another date and that also went really well, it was now May and we had been messaging daily for a few months, he asked me to go away on a trip with him and I said yes and we also decided we would be official boyfriend and girlfriend! I was so happy, obviously and really crazy about this guy. we also agreed to stay at a hotel together on the next date (he paid for the hotel but I also paid some other stuff for him).

Sadly this date was not so well, he seemed kind of 'off' compared to the other dates but claimed this was because he was unwell. He wanted to sleep together but I said no. He knew I'd never been with a guy before. I wanted to wait a little longer until I knew him a bit better, also I wasn't on the pill. He seemed okay with my decision but after the date he went a bit silent and didn't text me as much, less than a week later he sent me an email dumping me, saying it was due to work commitments, I was absolutely gutted and cried a lot, I really thought he liked me as a person and wouldn't be like that.

About eight weeks later he sent me a few texts saying he'd noticed I'd deleted my online profile and hoped it wasn't anything to do with him but I was very strong and didn't reply to his messages and I deleted his number off my phone again (I'd already deleted it when he first dumped me).

Anyway after that I had a few more rubbish dates which I got with a new profile under a different name, I can't describe them here as it would make this message even more long but suffice to say they were terrible and on one of them I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying, I was still not over the guy before and also felt so depressed and unhappy.

Finally around beginning of August I met another guy. This is the guy I'm now upset about. I've never met him yet in real life for various reasons, we had arranged to meet later this month. He seemed really nice and from his photos very attractive, we have been messaging most days since the beginning of August. He wasn't always the best at replying to emails, I once sent him a long message and he said as it was late he would reply to it the next day, he never did and when I nudged him a few days later he said he 'forgot', but he insisted he was still interested in me. I decided not to make a fuss and we carried on messaging and though I never met him I liked him a lot. Two weeks ago I went on holiday and as he said he'd miss chatting to me while I was gone I made sure I sent him a long message before I went and I enjoyed talking to him anyway. While I was on holiday I was pretty busy and didn't get much chance to think of him the first week but the second week while sunbathing etc I did think of him and missed him quite a lot as I was used to hearing from him daily. I was so looking forward to hearing from him when I got back as I had no access to emails while I was away. Well, I got back from holiday yesterday and I was so disappointed that there was no new message from him, I had missed him very much and he had never replied to my last long message! I know it sounds dramatic but I was kind of crushed and sent him a message last night why he didn't reply. He said he didn't know why, hoped I would forgive him, said he was still interested in me and liked chatting to me. I slept on it and this morning I was still so upset over it I emailed him to say I was not willing to put up with my messages being ignored, it's not the first time it has happened, if he really was interested he would reply to me. I told him I didn't want to stay in contact and that I didn't want to meet up any more as we were meant to be meeting for the first time the weekend after next.

I am feeling a bit discouraged, I just want to meet someone genuine who is not just looking for someone to sleep with and who actually enjoys talking to me and doesn't blank my messages. All I ever wanted was to get married and have a family with someone who will be my best friend, and after a very painful year of online dating, that doesn't look likely to happen anytime soon, I'm no closer to having a boyfriend than I was before.

Very, very upset and I don't want to do the online dating any more as it's not fun any more and it's too painful. It looks like I am going to be single forever. :-(

You've got more prickles than a hedgehog, Clarentine.

Good luck with your dating.

OP I suggest you try to get clear in your own head why you want to wait till marriage to have sex (not saying you should tell us or feel you have to justify yourself - this is simply as an exercise in thinking where to go next).

I have known quite a few fundamentalist Christians who wanted to wait till marriage for religious reasons and it's worked well for them. Hence someone up thread mentioning Christian OLD sites. But this is unlikely to help you if you're a secular humanist.

Likewise I've known people who self-identify as asexual but nonetheless want to have long term romantic relationships, just without sex. Again there is a niche OLD world out there devoted to people in this situation. But again, it's not going to help you if you do have a sex drive but don't want to have sex until you are on circumstances you feel comfortable with.

People say over and over again that OLD is a numbers game. Mainstream OLD goes with the sexual mores of wider society which doesn't mean you won't find a match that wau but does make it very very unlikely. Hence think about why you hold the views you do then look for a much more specific site that suits your needs. POF for instance isn't going to work for you.

Ugh, I hate when people say I'm feeling sorry for myself. I came on here to vent after having a year's online dating experience not being successful. It's allowed. I actually think it's healthy, right?

I don't accept that I shouldn't have gone with him to the hotel. I wouldn't be so trusting in the future now with hindsight but I really did trust him. I told him some pretty personal stuff (regarding physical medical issues I have, NOT depression or anything like that, something physical). His reaction was great. I had no reason to think he WOULD be my future husband, only that I HOPED he would be. I thought it would be long term. We agreed we were boyfriend and girlfriend. If you can't trust a guy not to attack you in a hotel room alone with him then you certainly shouldn't be in a relationship with them! I did trust him and we were supposed to be in a relationship. To his credit he didn't pressure me at all. Not at all. And he accepted it when I said no. I did know him quite well at this point. He lived local to me and had a respectable job, a dog and a car. Most importantly, he was always very kind and caring, very gentle and a nice person to be around.

I do accept that I invest emotionally too soon. It's no excuse, but I am an emotional person.

More than one poster has said that OLD is not for me. I agree with them.

I do have hobbies, a life and a job.

The hotel room guy was the only guy I initially said no to meeting up to. The other guys I met I met them as soon as they asked me too. It's not my fault they're not asking me out sooner. They always said they didn't want to rush things. With the last guy, he works weekends so the end of this month was the soonest we could meet. We're not meeting any more. I finished it, it's ended.

More contradictions than Katie Price? What contradictions does Katie Price have? I mean I don't follow her that much but I'm interested to know?

Look I wouldn't have slept with him because I wasn't ready. I wanted to wait until after he told me he loved me. I didn't love him yet, it was too soon. I wanted to wait until we loved each other. We were kissing and I kind of wanted to sleep with him. I liked him a lot, SO much. He was romantic. And he asked me if I was sure I didn't want to and he had protection with him. And I wavered for a second. I so wanted to. But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. Firstly, I wasn't ready as I wanted us to be in love. And also I would never do it with just one form of protection - different if you're married, or engaged. But not so early. I would be so scared it would fail, I have never used them and would have to rely on him. I had never met his family. It would be risky if it failed and I got pregnant as it was too soon, it might have put too much strain on the relationship.

So are you waiting for marriage or just until it's serious?

Because as this guy has shown you, saying things are serious is just words.

A respectable job, a dog and a car do not ensure a person is a good trustworthy person.

If you were going on holiday and not going to have internet access, that might be why this man didn't reply ,- as he knew you were away. It would have been nice if he had left a message for you on your return, but he didn't and you have now broken contact.

It is your choice to break contact tbh he made one mistake, not being attentive and so you're not compatible and no point in continue ing to message him.

I think a lot of men, and woman who are online dating are messaging many potential dates and you need to be aware of this op, as trying to work out who is trust worthy and not is difficult.

OP I really don't think anyone has been unkind to you here - you have to understand you put people's backs up as your attitude was immediately on the defensive.

Regarding the online dating thing, I totally get why you have been hurt by these incidents. To someone who has had a lot of relationships etc they probably wouldn't be a massive deal but when you haven't had that much experience they get blown up and there's nothing wrong with that. But you need to recognise you are over-thinking it. There is nothing that scares away a potential partner like immediate clinginess, which is what it sounds like to me. If someone doesn't respond to your messages and you haven't even met them yet, or have only met them once or twice - don't bother sending them upset messages asking why, just ignore them and move on to the next.

I also think, and I'm really sorry as it's completely your choice, that you will struggle to find a man (or indeed a woman!) who is willing to wait until you live together or get married before having sex. Put simply that's because it's a massive risk to take - sexual compatibility is a huge part of a happy relationship, and it's a big gamble to make the kind of commitment of living together or marriage without knowing if you click that way first.

Of course it's completely your choice but you do need to accept that it is going to massively hinder your choices in the dating field. Have you tried christian dating at all? There might be more men there who would be accepting. I can't think of anyone non-religious I know who would be willing to wait. You might not think it's that important but I'm afraid to most people it is.

Oh and as everyone thinks I'm so rude, I would like to apologise if I have offended anybody.

Also, thanks to everyone who has taken the time to comment. It would have been good if it had focused more on the more recent guy but anyway it's been helpful.

Thanks for taking the time to read my very long OP.

We agreed we were boyfriend and girlfriend. If you can't trust a guy not to attack you in a hotel room alone with him then you certainly shouldn't be in a relationship with them! I did trust him and we were supposed to be in a relationship.

This was after two dates, right? You were not in a relationship.

I thought you said you didn't want to talk about that guy any more OP

Why don't you include your OLD profile on here so we can have a laugh critque it for you

I second the suggestion to try a dating forum for whichever religion you subscribe to, I assume your stance is religious?
The chance of meeting a potential husband on a generic OlD site who shares your 'no sex before marriage ' viewpoint is practically non existent . That's why so many people meet their spouse at church.
I think there are dating sites for every persuasion op.
I know you don't want to hear it but again .......................do not get into bed with men unless you want to have sex with them.

Cross post, things moved very fast!

Best of luck OP

ohmyeye, I was accused of being a 'bridge-dweller', so I wanted to defend myself. I really don't want to talk about it as I find it too upsetting.

Pocketsaviour, you can laugh if you want. It's a bit unkind of you to do so. He did agree we were boyfriend and girlfriend. You may think it's pathetic but it meant a great deal to me. We had spent a long time talking a messaging.

But lots of people have commented on the last guy.

People are commenting on the whole situation because you shared the whole situation. Also it's shows a pattern of behaviour. Jumping in and expecting relationships that are new to be the same as and established long term relationship.

I think you were harsh on the latest man, tbh.

My mother told me when I was about 15, that if I thought I wanted to sleep with someone, to make sure I was careful, don't let men mess me about, wait until I was ready etc.

But she also said that waiting until you were married was riddiculous. That she'd dated men long term, then broken up because that side of things wasn't right when it came to it.

I've done the same myself. Had one apparently lovely guy I'd know for years, who was very aggressive when we ended up in bed together one night, hard hair pulling, at one stage put me in a gentle but still choke hold from behind. Told him to stop and he did, but we only slept together once. Stopped seeing him after that.

Dp and I slept together fairly quickly (met through a mutual friend, then started drinking together) and we're still together and have a dc. We're not engaged (skint so no money for a ring or party, and he wants to "do it right") but we're happy.

Just some food for thought?

But as far as I can see, there's not much to write about the most recent man. You wrote him a message, went on holiday, when you got back he hadn't replied, so you asked him why he hadn't replied, he replied and apologised and you told him you didn't want to meet up with him.

You were clear with him that you expect more (as in, prompt message replies) but if you've never met him and told him you don't want to meet him, what do you want to hear from posters on here? genuine question

Well you can pm me if you want a link to my OLD profile. I'm kind of ugly though so I don't want any personal remarks. If I get any abuse I will report it so be warned I won't tolerate anything like that.

Do you really think I was harsh, Spartans? Is it not just a fact he wasn't interested if he didn't message me. I did like him but I don't like liking him more than he likes me....

I'm kind of ugly though so I don't want any personal remarks.

OP, this is why you're finding this OLD hard.

Not because you're ugly. Because your self esteem is clearly low.

OP, you cannot be "in a relationship" with someone after two dates. It's 2015. You're not courting in your parents' parlour with a chaperone, okay? As with the messaging, you are getting far too emotionally invested, far too soon. If he agreed to say "we are boyfriend and girlfriend" I would imagine that's because he thought you'd then agree to sex. Or, that he also has a problem with jumping in boots first to a new "relationship" and then scarpering at speed when he changes his mind a bit later, leaving a confused "girlfriend" behind him.

Okay pocketsaviour but it ended six months ago so there's no point arguing over terminology now, it happened, it's over, we must all move on and look to the future. I wouldn't move so quickly next time but the point is that is what happened and what was agreed between us. Let's not argue the point any more.

Op you need to decide what kind of man you want, and try to find him. If you are really determined no sex before marriage, I reckon religion is the way to go. Does anything in particular appeal? I'm atheist but often think catholic mass would appeal the most to me. I went to evangelical sunday school, the happy clappers, and it was tedious sometimes. Not my thing at all (dad loved it though, each to their own).

Yea I do think you were harsh.

He isn't your boyfriend, he is someone you have been chatting too. He forgot to reply to one message. It happens.

He didn't email you while you were away, not surprising. You want him to treat you like a serious relationship but you are not in one.

you're not going to be able to move on if you're not taking any advice on board. seriously. you are overthinking the whole dating thing.

As an aside, if you do feel you will want to sleep with someone before marriage but within a relationship (you're not clear about this in your posts so perhaps not in your own mind either) I would suggest you get your contraception sorted out now, if you want double protection. It can take some time to get used to the hormone changes and you might need to try a couple different brands of pill before you find one you like. I'm on Depo, which is given by injection every three months. I've actually been celibate for ages but I like not having to deal with periods every month!