Very upset with online dating (v. long)

[Clarentine]

Hello everyone.

Feeling really down today, online dating has not been working for me at all and today it's all got a bit too much for me, feeling really upset and depressed with it all.

I am 27 years old and have never had a proper boyfriend with the exception of one relationship when I was still a teenager, but we never slept together or went on any outings or anything like that, and I can barely remember it tbh, it was a long time ago and I have been single for coming up to ten years now.

I started online dating around this time last year, well it was probably around beginning of November time. Initially I got quite a few messages but it was all people from other countries, men much older than me and so on. I did reply to some messages but the conversation never got very far. Eventually I got talking to one guy at the beginning of December. We messaged and text every single day and finally arranged to meet at the end of January after eight weeks of daily messaging.

I liked him, but I could tell from his behaviour that he didn't like me. The date was very rushed, he didn't offer to pay for me (not a problem, just noted as a possible sign he probably didn't like me) and he left the date very quickly. He never text me to check I got home safely, even though it was dark as it was January (we met for dinner after work) and I had an hour and a half journey home alone on public transport. Not only that, I never heard from him again.

I wasn't like devastated as although I felt a bit disappointed, mainly I was just so pleased I had actually been on a real date after ten years! I blocked him on the website and began again.

After a few months around March/April time I met online what I thought was a great guy. He was very handsome and kind and funny and had a good job. He wanted to meet straight away but after the last fiasco I was feeling a bit shy and said no. We carried on messaging and eventually we met up for dinner and the cinema. He was very romantic on the date and it went really well, he complimented me and I could tell he liked me, he paid for me and the conversation was really natural, afterwards he contacted me straight away and we carried on messaging. We went on another date and that also went really well, it was now May and we had been messaging daily for a few months, he asked me to go away on a trip with him and I said yes and we also decided we would be official boyfriend and girlfriend! I was so happy, obviously and really crazy about this guy. we also agreed to stay at a hotel together on the next date (he paid for the hotel but I also paid some other stuff for him).

Sadly this date was not so well, he seemed kind of 'off' compared to the other dates but claimed this was because he was unwell. He wanted to sleep together but I said no. He knew I'd never been with a guy before. I wanted to wait a little longer until I knew him a bit better, also I wasn't on the pill. He seemed okay with my decision but after the date he went a bit silent and didn't text me as much, less than a week later he sent me an email dumping me, saying it was due to work commitments, I was absolutely gutted and cried a lot, I really thought he liked me as a person and wouldn't be like that.

About eight weeks later he sent me a few texts saying he'd noticed I'd deleted my online profile and hoped it wasn't anything to do with him but I was very strong and didn't reply to his messages and I deleted his number off my phone again (I'd already deleted it when he first dumped me).

Anyway after that I had a few more rubbish dates which I got with a new profile under a different name, I can't describe them here as it would make this message even more long but suffice to say they were terrible and on one of them I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying, I was still not over the guy before and also felt so depressed and unhappy.

Finally around beginning of August I met another guy. This is the guy I'm now upset about. I've never met him yet in real life for various reasons, we had arranged to meet later this month. He seemed really nice and from his photos very attractive, we have been messaging most days since the beginning of August. He wasn't always the best at replying to emails, I once sent him a long message and he said as it was late he would reply to it the next day, he never did and when I nudged him a few days later he said he 'forgot', but he insisted he was still interested in me. I decided not to make a fuss and we carried on messaging and though I never met him I liked him a lot. Two weeks ago I went on holiday and as he said he'd miss chatting to me while I was gone I made sure I sent him a long message before I went and I enjoyed talking to him anyway. While I was on holiday I was pretty busy and didn't get much chance to think of him the first week but the second week while sunbathing etc I did think of him and missed him quite a lot as I was used to hearing from him daily. I was so looking forward to hearing from him when I got back as I had no access to emails while I was away. Well, I got back from holiday yesterday and I was so disappointed that there was no new message from him, I had missed him very much and he had never replied to my last long message! I know it sounds dramatic but I was kind of crushed and sent him a message last night why he didn't reply. He said he didn't know why, hoped I would forgive him, said he was still interested in me and liked chatting to me. I slept on it and this morning I was still so upset over it I emailed him to say I was not willing to put up with my messages being ignored, it's not the first time it has happened, if he really was interested he would reply to me. I told him I didn't want to stay in contact and that I didn't want to meet up any more as we were meant to be meeting for the first time the weekend after next.

I am feeling a bit discouraged, I just want to meet someone genuine who is not just looking for someone to sleep with and who actually enjoys talking to me and doesn't blank my messages. All I ever wanted was to get married and have a family with someone who will be my best friend, and after a very painful year of online dating, that doesn't look likely to happen anytime soon, I'm no closer to having a boyfriend than I was before.

Very, very upset and I don't want to do the online dating any more as it's not fun any more and it's too painful. It looks like I am going to be single forever. :-(

There are people who do not have sex before marriage. OK with me. Their body, their choice.

There are people who have sex before marriage - some even before they've finished their first drink. But hey, whatever. Do what you like !

I have never heard of anyone who does not believe in sec before marriage booking into a hotel and sharing a bed. That is insane! That is such a confusing signal to the OP's poor OLDer. Sure go away - but book separate rooms.

Look everyone, I don't know why everyone is fixating on the hotel room thing. That's in the past. I only mentioned the no sex before marriage thing because people were judging me for going to a hotel with a guy when I wasn't even complaining about that and they didn't know the full story anyway.

The last thing I will say about that is: if the guy wasn't okay with no sex, then that's understandable and okay BUT he shouldn't have lied about it and said he was when he clearly wasn't. That's his fault for lying and saying he had no expectations when he clearly did. I believed him when he said he didn't mind about the no sex, maybe I was naïve to do so but I do believe he was the one in the wrong, not me, as I was very upfront about it. I can only go on what people tell me and he said he was willing to wait. Clearly, the fact that he dumped me afterwards when we didn't sleep together suggests either he changed his mind or he was lying. I was very upset about it at the time but it happened back in May and I can honestly say I've moved on now. He wasn't an honest person and now that I know he was only interested in me for sex, to be honest I don't find him attractive any more, either personality or looks wise.

Everyone has been a bit rude to me here, I've had very few responses/advice about the last most recent guy and everyone's hung up on the 'no sex' thing with the previous guy before him. I find that a bit odd to be honest. I only relayed my whole online dating history so that people can understand why I'm fed up of it now. I've been doing it for almost a year!

Oh and PassiveAggresiveQueen, I don't want you to say that. Firstly I don't use swear words (and btw I don't appreciate other posters swearing at me) and also, yes I have had bad experiences and bad luck with men BUT they are a group of individuals and their behaviour does not reflect badly on all men, only on themselves. All men are different and I do believe there are good men out there who treat women with respect and care about their feelings and aren't only interested in one thing but are interested in building a whole holistic relationship.

I think the posters who are agreeing with me that OLD might not be the best place for me with my - ahem - unique circumstances are right. It's hard to meet men as I work full time with a three and a half hour round commute and my hobbies (reading, knitting, jewellery making, fashion) are mostly women-centered.

Never mind! My OP was just to vent my frustration and upset. I think I am going to be single for a while longer yet. Not being I'm too prickly or high maintenance but just because the reality of what I want in a partner is not the norm in today's world and many men on OLD seem to have ulterior motives.

I don't think anyone has been misogynistic here . I also don't think anyone was saying you were a tease. Just that it's not a good idea to go away and share a room with someone so early in OLD, especially if you don't want sex.

I agree very strongly with all the advice above about not getting invested before meeting them. Don't waste time messaging back and forth, and then one or both of you being disappointed when you actually meet! Just meet them quickly - within a week - and see if there is any spark. If there is, take it from there (can start all the messaging then if you want).

I don't think you have to give up OLD. Just make sure you meet them quickly, don't get involved in "virtual" relationships which turn out not to be what you or he are looking for.

Everyone is jumping on me for being rude and I wasn't that rude in comparison to how rude others were to me. At least I haven't sworn at anyone. I really do feel some posters have blamed me for the second guy dumping me because apparently I gave him mixed signals and was a hypocrite for being willing to share a bed with him but not actually sleep with him. Well, excuse me! Sharing a bed with a guy may be more intimate than intercourse for YOU, but it's not for me! Everyone is different and has their own thoughts and feelings on this. Besides I don't have to justify myself to anyone. He knew the score. We were going to go away on a proper trip where we would have to spend the night in shared accommodation and he wanted to make sure I would be comfortable spending the night with him so we went to a hotel really near home before going hundreds of miles away. So don't call him a 'poor confused OLD-er' when he was the one who lied and left me really confused.

I'm not talking any more about the second guy, I didn't come here to post about something that happened six months ago and I don't need to explain my beliefs to anyone.

OP it sounds to me like you're seeking validation from the men you're meeting through OLD. I say this because I have done the same, and can recognise some of myself in your op.

The reason people say you need to have a thick skin for OLD is because it's SO important that you don't interpret rejection from the men you meet or chat to as a judgement of your own personal worth as a person.

Everyone you meet will have their own unique perspective, expectations and baggage. When they end up not being interested it's often more about them than about you.

This can be hard to accept when you've become emotionally involved, but I've found it valuable to remember when in a similar situation.

Hang in there- the right person will come along eventually xx

You were rude as fuck and still are being, get off it OP. People gave you advice and you responded like a twat. If you're this aggressive and defensive with people on OLD, no wonder you're not succeeding.

If you don't want opinions that challenge your own, try writing in a diary rather than posting on a forum.

DO NOT share a hotel room with any date you don't intend to have sex with. Seriously, you have no idea after a handful of dates who these people are and you're putting yourself at risk. And use a condom for gods sake, even if you can't make up your mind whether you're having sex before marriage or after it.

Clarentine For what it's worth, you made your stance clear to the second bloke in advance and it sounds to me like he wanted to change your mind and actually treated you pretty shabbily. He led you on if anything. You were not in the wrong, and I'm sorry that you got hurt.

To the third chap, I think the trouble with OLD is that you don't really know what is going on with them, especially before you meet them. It's not unusual to be talking to multiple people, as you know, and I think with some people this can result in quite a casual view on things like ensuring a reply to every message. Did he say anything in response to you breaking things off with him?

OP i was referring to the first couple of posters who wrote honest replies to you, and you told them to shut up. That was rude. And unnecessary.

With regards to the most recent man, maybe he's not as invested in the relationship as you were, you told him you weren't happy with the non-response to your messages, good on you, you are clear that you expect more. But, and this is a big but, I do think you are becoming overly involved in online relationships before meeting with people. Agree with pp who say you need to meet sooner rather than later to know if you want to build a relationship with someone rather than investing months/weeks in an online relationship only for it to end up in disappointment.

Op I met my husband on plenty of fish. It does happen. But (!) I'd use it merely as a tool for meeting people local to you- exchange a few short messages and if they sound nice meet for a short daytime coffee. That's all. Then you can meet again for a proper date if you like them. I wouldn't message someone lots and lots before meeting.

I don't know why people are STILL repeatedly swearing at me and telling me to use a condom when I've never even had sex. Just go away! I'm starting to think some of you are trying to wind me up. At 27 I know all about contraception. The guy had protection with him but I didn't want to rely just on that in case it failed. I would want to use two forms of protection.

I know you're all going to say I'm being precious but I'm starting to feel a bit tearful now. I only went with him to the hotel because I hoped he was going to be my future husband. I would never ever have gone with him to the hotel if I didn't think we were going to have a serious relationship. :-( I can't believe you're all blaming me when he lied and tricked me. I had really high hopes for that guy and look what happened.

I should never have posted, this is starting to bring it all back now.

Goodbye.

I think the problem is Op, that you are expecting the same level of attention from old as you would get if you were ona real relationship.

Tbh, I get annoyed when people email me when I am away. Or the minute I get back. I am holiday. Maybe he felt the same and would give you a few days to get sorted. And yes sometimes people forget to reply or keep thinking 'I'll do it later'. If this man was your boyfriend then it would have me raising my eyebrows. But he isn't.

You do seem heavily invested in these relationships, before they have even really got off the ground.

I also think you will struggle to meet many men online that are happy to wait until marriage for sex. Unless you are joining a dating site for religious people etc. it's sad but true. it's not hugely common anymore. Not that it's wrong, just not common.

Have you tried meeting people at a hobby maybe?

I think it was madness to plan to share a bed with a man when you did not want sex. for your own safety as much as anything. You didn't know him well enough to trust that he would respect your wishes. No matter how clear you made it. (And he did try it on despite you saying you were adamant in advance.)

I have met several men online who have become nasty when I didn't want to see them again. If I had rejected them in a hotel room, well who knows?

Re the messages, you have to accept some online chat will fizzle out and some guys will disappear. You don't know them and they don't owe you anything.

I think it sounds like OLD isn't for you. No shame in that. It isn't for lots of people.

OK. A few things to add.

1. Do NOT exchange long messages and stuff with guys - it looks too needy. Keep it short, but slightly flirtatious. Appear "busy" a lot.

1. The guy enjoys the chase. If you're too available, it's off putting.

1. Take a few hours to reply to text messages - make him WAIT.

1. A 27 year old virgin is going to scare some guys. Others may well be impressed by it, but just be prepared for a variety of reactions. Don't tell him this, until you are sure there could be a future.

1. There are LOTS of married men on dating sites, who are on there for a bit of flirtation. They are a waste of space and a waste of your time. You should meet up for a coffee/drink early on. The guys who don't want to meet for ages are FAKE.

Now, here is the bit you're not gonna like. Don't wait until marriage for sex. To walk down the aisle with someone who you don't know you're sexually compatable with, is Insanity. Also, you are finding it hard enough to find a boyfriend. On top of this, when you do find "the one" you are going to put a massive strain on that relationship by telling him that he has to marry you before you can be intimate. I don't know any men that would agree to that. Also, let's say you're going to be together for 2 years before marriage, wow what a truly sexually frustrating 2 years that would be. Why do that to you and him?

What? Were you going to sleep with him or not? I'm not clear, I'm not surprised he thought he was in with a chance and brought condoms with him in hope.

I love threads where the OP won't take anything on board. No matter how many people say variations of the same thing. They are my favourite threads ever on this site.

As you were, folks

OP, your attitude towards posters giving you sound advice has shocked me. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and take on board what you are being told by people who know more than you about OLD.

op, the thing with online relationships is that people have different expectations of what an online relationship actually is - iyswim.

I know of people who have actually declared love for each other online, have got engaged and talked about a future together and they haven't even met, and they feel that meeting is essentially just a confirmation of everything they are, iyswim. It is in fact very easy to develop feelings for an online persona because you're faced with all the good bits, the positive affirmations, the words which are very easy to type to be able to tell someone what they want to hear, and not being faced with any negatives because when online bf is feeling negative all he has to do is switch off his computer. But the problem is that different people view these things differently, so what to you was a developing relationship might just have been chatting to someone online to him and waiting to see how things turn out when you met up. And in the two weeks you were away he most likely was chatting to other people and had waited for you to come back rather than pining for you because he didn't feel the same.

There are no rights or wrongs when it comes to developing feelings online, I know several couples who met in the online world and are now happily together, even the one who got engaged to a man she'd never met - they split then met in rl and are now married with a child. but similarly there are a lot who have never gone the distance because the reality was far removed from the fantasy person online, and it is a fantasy, even if you do end up in a relationship afterwards.

I second what other posters say in that it is far better to meet up for a coffee, see if you click, and then take it from there, rather than become heavily invested in someone who is still chatting to half the www before he decides whether you're the one. Because truth is that while you're chatting online there is no exclusivity at all. While he's messaging you he will be messaging others as well. Not everyone does, I'm guessing you don't, and I wouldn't which is why OLD wouldn't be for me, but others do.

Neither of you know what you're talking about so I suggest you keep your mouths shut.

I can kind of see why men don't warm to you online if this is how you address people trying to be friendly. You honestly need a bit of an attitude adjustment.

You've been given some good advice, if you can take what's been said on board.

Eek.

Maybe get some counselling OP (I mean that kindly)

If he took you to a hotel and tried to change your mind, yes he was wrong. However I do also agree that you put yourself in danger. If anything had of happened it wouldn't be your fault, but you do need to take steps to protect yourself.

If you left your front door unlocked and Someone entered and atile eveeything, it's not your fault it's stolen but you insurance wouldn't pay out and you would be landed with the job of picking up the pieces. That's how I see it. We should take steps to not leave ourseleves vulnerable, where possible.

You are over investing. You thought this man would be your husband after a few dates. I mean this nicely. You sound very naive, and maybe this man said the right things to convince you, you would be together for ever just so he could get you into bed. But that's why OLD is difficult for people who don't have a bit of experience. It makes you feel you know someone, when you don't.

OLD isn't for everyone.

And if the second Man was trying to get you to sleep with him, when you made it clear. Consider it a good thing that he broke up with you sooner rather than later. He could have kept trying and wasted even more of your time before dumping you or you could have given in then got dumped.

Think we've been had. , at least I hope so.