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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I flogging a dead horse?

91 replies

pomegranatepie · 05/10/2015 20:16

My marriage is not a fun place at the moment. We argue alot- were going to therapy together but he says it isn't helping so I am now going alone. We have a 1 year old baby and I don't work. I do all the housework, all the cooking, all the childcare (he sleeps in a separate room when he is not on nights so he can sleep- I am still breastfeeding through the night and co sleeping) I meal plan, do all the grocery shopping and pack him a pack lunch for his work. He works 4 days a week and will occasionally at the weekend change the odd nappy and give our DS a bath- he plays with him lots however and they have a lot of fun together.

If I ever ask him for help- or to watch the baby he gets cross and tells me that I am sucking the energy out of him. He criticises me for being useless with money but never helps with the shopping or budgeting. He is irritable and grumpy alot. Our rows end up in him withdrawing and giving me the silent treatment and me in tears begging him to talk to me (I feel so humiliated- it feels like a punishment but he says it's just protecting himself emotionally) We haven"t had sex since last November.

He threatens to leave in anger alot- but then calms down and tells me he loves me and that he is sorry. He walked out on me the day after my C section telling me that he wasn't happy and wanted to leave- but stayed after a pep talk from my family- it was the most incredibly difficult day of my life.

He tries- but is so unused to feeling needed and to dealing with emotions (lived alone in a solitary job for years)

I love him but I am not happy. My parents split when I was our DS's age and I don"t want to repeat history but I am at a loss at how to fix this.

OP posts:

CocoPlum · 05/10/2015 20:22

He walked out on me the day after my C section telling me that he wasn't happy and wanted to leave

God, pomegranate, I have no advice but I feel so sad for you. Your baby is now a year so he's been treating you like this for at least 12 months. From what you say, you're pretty much doing the work of a single parent already. Could leaving be any worse than you feel now?

What does your therapist say?

springydaffs · 05/10/2015 20:24

You're excusing him. The poor thing has had a rough time - well haven't we all !

How did you sort out his walking out on you the day after your c-section? A truly vile, vile thing to do to you.

Yes he is punishing you; also training you: he will make life extremely difficult for you if you do, or don't do, what he wants.

It's not looking good tbah, pie. I do think you're flogging a dead horse, yes.

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

Original poster

pomegranatepie · 05/10/2015 20:30

Therapist has pointed out that when I talk about how I feel about him it sounds as though I am talking about someone I care about in a concerned for his well being way- not as though I am in love with him.

Work wise it would be easier without him to be honest- less mess less laundry less rushing home to cook him dinner before his shift. He works nights so I have my evenings alone (bliss) So other than weekends I wouldn't miss the company. I have an amazing support network of family and friends (mainly new mum friends through groups)

My main worry is how not having his dad around would affect our son. And the lingering worry that I could fix this if only I knew how.

He was threatening to leave before our baby was born- so it has been two years of this.

OP posts:

CocoPlum · 05/10/2015 20:42

My marriage broke up last year. Different circumstances, but I did find I could cope. Like you I have a very supportive close (proximity and emotionally) family and the two close friends I'd made as a new mum have been amazing.

DCs were 5 and rising 3 at the time. They see their dad overnight twice a week and he's very involved in their life. But even if he wasn't, it's better for the children to grow up in a happy home - and ours was not as unhappy as yours sounds.

Original poster

pomegranatepie · 05/10/2015 20:43

What's the freedom programme?

The walking out after DS's birth was a bit strange to be honest- he came back- was silent and cold for a day- then had a chat with my family and suddenly was all smiles and warmth and everything was "ok" again. I was in shock and was focusing on DS 's latch problems so we just didn't talk about it at all for 4 months! Pretended it didn't happen. When we did finally talk about it he was wracked with guilt and shame and big apologies. He says it was a build up- and had thought all our problems would magically disappear after DS arrived and when I was struggling and stressed trying to feed DS he just snapped and wanted out.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 05/10/2015 20:48

Oh dear god, let him go.

If he can't see how lucky he is to have you (and bairn) he's blind, deaf, stupid.

You've done everything you can - by contrast, he has done pretty much zero. And what he has done he's measured out like Scrooge.

It takes TWO and he is simply not interested to make any effort to get the prize. Marriage isn't handed on a/plate.

Really, your child would be harmed to live in a home with this going on - and it's not going to change, that is clear: it will get worse (as it has done already). Hopefully your child will still have a relationship with his dad - if his dad puts in the effort...

Rozalia · 05/10/2015 20:54

We'll he certainly did a good job of making sure the focus was on him and not on you or your new baby within a day of your DS being born.

Is this typical?

From what you've said you'll be much happier without him. Those blissful evenings without him are a taste of that. You're not going to be able to fix it, it's not down to you. You shouldn't have to try so hard either.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2015 20:55

Your son would be better without the lessons he is going to learn on a daily basis....men don't do any shitwork, women pick up all the housework, men don't have to work at a relationship, women cry and beg for any small scrap of affection

End this farce

springydaffs · 05/10/2015 20:57

Look up the Freedom Programme. It's good to have that info in our armoury.

He shuts you out, is not at all interested to meld with you. He doesn't want to put in the work, wants things the way he wants them. That solitary job suited him. Imagine the agony of living for the foreseeable with someone like this? The loneliness! It doesn't bear thinking about.

What concerns me is you feel sorry for him - and put your needs at the back. He's not got a special dispensation for behaving poorly in a marriage bcs of this or that: he is an adult and perfectly capable of stepping up if he wants to. He just doesn't want to.

Joysmum · 05/10/2015 20:58

He wasn't happy back then and he's not happy now. There doesn't have to be fault involved when somebody doesn't think they are compatible.

This has been going on for over a year and you still don't have a good relationship. If nothing changes you never will have. So is it worth finding out what needs to change and addressing it as far as he's concerned. Do you want him and think it's worth the effort? Unless both of you are prepared to discuss this and work through it then it'll only get worse.

GrammarTool · 05/10/2015 21:04

The fact that you say it's 'bliss' when he's not there is very telling.

Original poster

pomegranatepie · 05/10/2015 21:07

I think I know deep down that we are not compatible- I am fiery and emotional and demonstrative and he is an introvert. I thought that we would balance each other but we just push each other into our extremes. The realisation tonight that we are in the same boat we were in last year (and the year before) has really hit home. This feels so sad. I want us to be happy and calm and loving and supportive- and at times I think we manage it but it always feels very precarious- we avoid conflict in order to keep things nice- but it always ends up exploding. He does love me- I can see it in his eyes when things are calm- but he has rages and cold distances that I find deeply difficult to be around.

OP posts:

tribpot · 05/10/2015 21:10

Why does he do absolutely nothing in the house when he only works 4 days a week? Why does he begrudge mucking in at the weekend? I think his actions the day after your CS told you everything you need to know about this man - he is an entitled prick who wants to be waited on hand and foot, to keep you constantly making the running for his attention and affection. He tramples over your feelings and shows you no respect.

You can't fix this. He could, if he could be arsed. He can't.

Original poster

pomegranatepie · 05/10/2015 21:17

He works four fifteen hour night shifts- which he finds exhausting- the flips to daytimes to spend time with us at the weekends. I am happy to do the biggest share of the housework- I have more time and enjoy cooking (was a chef before I had DS) I only get fed up when he criticises the way I do things rather than helps me. i don't know why he begrudges me asking for help- which I rarely do and it really hurts to be told that i suck the energy out of him when I do so much for him!

OP posts:

Original poster

pomegranatepie · 05/10/2015 21:22

I think I am quite difficult to live with. I am overly emotional and can be quite spikey when cross.

OP posts:

tribpot · 05/10/2015 21:25

His idea of spending time with you at the weekend seems to consist of he will occasionally at the weekend change the odd nappy and give our DS a bath (and play with your ds, i.e. the fun bit).

I think the 'suck the energy' comment is meant to remind you that you're beholden to him because he works and you don't. Seems like it's working.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2015 21:28

I would be "spikey" if I lived with this selfish twat

Original poster

pomegranatepie · 05/10/2015 21:34

If we didn't have a child I think we would have separated by now. I think we are both hanging on in there in the hope that it will get better for the sake of our son to be honest. I want so desperately to make this work- I wanted a brother or sister for our DS (am dead old so don't have much time left) I want a long lasting stable home full of love and laughter for our son- and a present father- I wan't to fix this but I just don't know how. Its so much harder making decisions now it's not just about me anymore.

OP posts:

Fratelli · 05/10/2015 21:38

I'm so sorry and I've never said this before but I believe he is emotionally abusing you. What kind of pathetic excuse for a human being walks out on their partner right after having a baby?!
My oh works similar shifts but he wouldn't act like this. I would advise you to get back to work if possible or get into a position where you can leave or ask him to leave. I know you want what's best for your son but do you really think him growing up to believe a relationship such as this is healthy? Many children grow up extremely happy in two households with parents who love them.
Stay strong op, you're worth so much more than this

Original poster

pomegranatepie · 05/10/2015 21:55

I don't need much money- we have a simple but full life- but I couldn't earn enough where we live to make ends meet and cover childcare so would have to claim income support until DS is older (would not be much worse off than I am now) So it's not that that is stopping me from ending this- just the fear that I could be throwing something away that is fixable if I only knew how. And although I do most of the daily grind we have an old rural property that would be tricky to keep up on my own- he does do all the fixing and outside stuff so thats a bit scary. We were so close and loving at the beginning- its so sad it has become like this- I am really grieving how things were before we moved in together I guess (got pregnant within weeks of that happening- a bit rushed but time was ticking)

OP posts:

Fratelli · 05/10/2015 22:09

Relationships do change once you live together and even more so once you have a child. But he has been just awful. I feel sad that you think it is acceptable to be treated this way. Life's too short to be unhappy

springydaffs · 05/10/2015 22:12

fixable if I only knew how

Fucksake! IT TAKES TWO

Why do you feel you have to look after him? That he's less-than somehow, incapable of normal, adult stuff. Are you his mum?

Original poster

pomegranatepie · 05/10/2015 22:25

The two times I have gone away to stay with my mum in the last year he has practically starved himself- lost lots of weight- just doesn't look after himself at all- I do think he treats me like his mother- asks me what he should wear or if he has any clean clothes rather than just looking himself. Actually this is fucking ridiculous just reading this back- he is 47 for gods sake- and yet he says I am the irresponsible one! I can see he sounds dreadful from what I have written in this thread- there is good stuff too! He made me tea and toast in bed every morning for the first six months of our DS's life- he makes sure there is always wood for the fire before he goes to work- he buys me my favourite chocolate from time to time- he tells me he loves me alot...

OP posts:

featherglass · 05/10/2015 22:37

OP, You've a little one and its very hard when your in the middle of everything, to stand back and really seeing what's going on. It does sound awful. You're going to therapy alone as he's backed out? He's continually critical etc? Is it that being with someone is less scary than being alone?
I was a single parent and it was hard work but emotionally far better than being with a critical, self obsessed twat. He just doesn't sound very nice or caring or loving. Is this what you want your little one brought up around?

Original poster

pomegranatepie · 05/10/2015 22:52

No it's not what I want my son to grow up around- and I won't stay in the relationship unless it changes- I guess I just wonder if there is something I could be doing to fix it (other than therapy) and what timescale I give it? I would love more than anything for us to be a stable happy family- but I absolutely do not want my son growing up with anger and coldness in our home. fuck. I hate to give up on someone- I know he loves us- I know he wants us to be happy- he suggested the therapy in the first place- he was trying but it seems he has just given up.

OP posts:

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