Am I flogging a dead horse?

[pomegranatepie]

My marriage is not a fun place at the moment. We argue alot- were going to therapy together but he says it isn't helping so I am now going alone. We have a 1 year old baby and I don't work. I do all the housework, all the cooking, all the childcare (he sleeps in a separate room when he is not on nights so he can sleep- I am still breastfeeding through the night and co sleeping) I meal plan, do all the grocery shopping and pack him a pack lunch for his work. He works 4 days a week and will occasionally at the weekend change the odd nappy and give our DS a bath- he plays with him lots however and they have a lot of fun together.

If I ever ask him for help- or to watch the baby he gets cross and tells me that I am sucking the energy out of him. He criticises me for being useless with money but never helps with the shopping or budgeting. He is irritable and grumpy alot. Our rows end up in him withdrawing and giving me the silent treatment and me in tears begging him to talk to me (I feel so humiliated- it feels like a punishment but he says it's just protecting himself emotionally) We haven"t had sex since last November.

He threatens to leave in anger alot- but then calms down and tells me he loves me and that he is sorry. He walked out on me the day after my C section telling me that he wasn't happy and wanted to leave- but stayed after a pep talk from my family- it was the most incredibly difficult day of my life.

He tries- but is so unused to feeling needed and to dealing with emotions (lived alone in a solitary job for years)

I love him but I am not happy. My parents split when I was our DS's age and I don"t want to repeat history but I am at a loss at how to fix this.

He has ishoos! He's clearly making the point that his ishoos are your responsibility.

Did he starve when he lived and worked on his own before you came along?

Giving up that nice house/lifestyle is something to consider, mind. It's not everything but have a think about how that may be holding you back, too. Re it started off all lovely and romantic and you got that lovely house together and he chops the wood and it all looked idyllic and romantic....

Girl, getting you tea and toast in bed every day is basic. Yes it's nice but it doesn't a relationship make.

He has ishoos and he doesn't want to face them (counseling isn't 'doing it' for him ) and he's made it clear you have to carry his [major] ishoos. Meanwhile he criticises you for not quite carrying his ishoos properly. He punishes you ffs.

You are right springydaffs- I am finding it really hard to let that image I had of the cottage in the countryside with my little family go- our whole relationship prior to moving here was based on dreaming and talking about that idilic home- in hindsight that was all we connected on- I thought it was enough.

Yes- he has massive ishoos- and they are not my fault or my problem- I really need to try and remember that.

I can see what I need to do really- its just the scariest thing ever at the moment- I tried to suggest a trial separation over the weekend and he said that he would probably leave the area (he is from another country originally) and may or may not remain in our DS's life if that happened (so extreme!)

Firewood, tea, chocolate and empty words

Not much to show for a relationship

He is following the script

His threats to walk out of his children's life if you end the relationship are the lowest if the low. Only a thoroughly irredeemable fuck comes out with that kind of emotional blackmail

A father like that is best as an absent one

Send him on his way with your blessing. What on earth are you thinking, love ?

Bastard!

That's the ultimate punishment, isn't it? Leave me and I'll hurt the kids

I tell you, you think he's a bit bumbling and doesn't mean it, doesn't really know what he's doing. But he really really does know what he's doing. You're bending over backwards, scraping the cupboard bare (and some) bcs he's totally got you thinking all this is your responsibility 100%. You've more than done your 50% (actually 98-9%) and you're still wondering what else you can do.

Anyway, I've read too many novels where hell on earth is being played out in idyllic settings. It's hard to let it go but this isn't the idyll you dreamed of. You were supposed to be doing it with a partner who carried his weight, not flumped his full weight on you to carry like a pack donkey while he plays and pleases himself.

Actually this is fucking ridiculous just reading this back- he is 47 for gods sake

Always good to reflect! Yes you are flogging a dead horse. You should like his carer not his wife.

Your son will grow up thinking this is reasonable behaviour. That is not healthy.

Call time on this relationship.

Sound like - not should like

He sounds extraordinarily manipulative to me. So how did you feel when you returned from your Mum's and poor little him had practically wasted away? Did you feel like you could go away again? Or that he really "needs" you, so you'd better not abandon him?
I bet that took the shine off your visit to your Mum.

Yet for the previous years of his adult life, before you came along he wasn't going through life a threadbare skeleton.

Look after yourself and your child. Sounds to me like your partner knows how to look after himself.

Who on earth would threaten to abandon their child? I say call his bluff and end it. If he's the sort of person to leave his child he's not the sort of person you want in your life, nor is he worthy of your son.

Also, if he's starving himself etc just to make a point that's really pathetic, let him get on with it. There is nothing you can do to fix it, it takes both of you and he's a shit unfortunately.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You have used this word "fix" more than once. Why do you think you can fix him; the only person who can help him is his own self and he does not want to do that. You are his wife currently, not his therapist although you seem to be acting as such. I think trying to fix him meets some innate needs in you; that of fixing him to make your own self feel better and gives you more self esteem. He was and still is not your project to fix, rescue and or save.

The fact as well that you state you and he would not be together but for your child is also very telling. You are also getting caught up in the sunken costs fallacy and that also causes people to make poor relationship decisions. All this stuff about fixing and throwing something away strikes me also as you being co-dependent in relationships. I would do some reading around both co-dependency and the sunken costs fallacy.

It is down to you to teach your son healthy relationship lessons because his father certainly won't and staying at all within this for your own reasons (staying for the sake of the child is placing a terrible burden on said child) will only further harm you and your son. It takes two to have a relationship and this man is clearly not bothered; infact he is using the child in further emotional blackmail against you.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships; surely not this dysfunctional and emotionally abusive role model of a relationship.

Let me guess, you now feel you can't go away to your mum in case he starves to death? Really? Yet didn't starve to death when he lived on his own? And could, one assumes, wash his own clothes then as well.

The examples of how he 'does good stuff' are lamentable. Chocolate? Wood? And formerly tea and toast but now not.

The fact that he threatened to absent himself permanently from your ds' life says it all, really. Look at how desperate you are to keep this relationship alive. In your worst, darkest moment of despair, can you ever imagine doing that? (The threat, never mind the doing of it).

It's not that I want to fix him- I feel like our relationship is broken and am looking for ways to fix that- we have a child together and I feel that if we can we should be giving him a happy stable home.

You can't do it all in your own though. People only change if they want to I'm afraid.

It takes two to make a relationship work and he is patently not bothered, even going as far as to state he could remove himself from his son's life.
There is no real way of going back from that.

OP- How long have you been together?

It sounds like an awful situation. If you're not being intimate and haven't been for nearly a year then really, you're just unhappy housemates bringing up a child.

You could have such a happier life than the one you have. He's just not that into you and that's why he's not arsed about trying to make a go of it, he doesn't really care. It won't/can't get better until he wants it to and he doesn't.

All relationships have their ups and downs/ arguments, but if you're not compatible and he keeps wanting to up and leave that's a different story.

I think he viewed the relationship as fine when you were both footloose and fancy free with no house/ baby but now things have gotten a little tough, he's got going. Unless he really wants to make a go of this you cant, so I suggest you start thinking about the finances/ practicalities etc of leaving him.

He is calling your bluff re leaving his son and if he does that, then your son is better off without him. Bring him up in a warm/ happy home, not this one.

If you think a man who threatens to hurt/abandon his kids if you don't toe the line is one that will miraculously start pulling his weight - think on love. No amount of therapy will do that!

I just really don't understand how you can fancy a bloke like this. Sex is a big part of a relationship and my contempt for him and his drama queen abusive shit would make my skin crawl right off my back.

I don't think he would follow through on his threat of no contact, it's just bluster and he lashes out with ridiculous statements like that when we have arguments- but that doesn't make it ok. And no, I don't fancy him at the moment, which I also put down to sleep deprivation and breast feeding hormones. I am so bloody tired, and confused- he is clearly overwhelmed with the responsibility and floundering, I don't think we are partners at the moment, I guess I just need to know that we have done everything we can. Typically as I started to feel a bit more resolute last night about it all he unprompedly came home from his shift this morning brought me tea in bed, took the baby for a play so I could have a lie in and suggested we bothe try counseling together again. Arghh! Feels so muddy and messy and sad.

then why make a shitty threat like that ?

I would actually have more respect for him if he meant what he said (and properly fucked off)

he is being nice because he senses you nearing the end of your rope

up to you if you decide to fall for it (again)...no doubt when you STFU about him actually just being a decent person he will revert right back to type

I am so bloody tired, and confused- he is clearly overwhelmed with the responsibility and floundering,

I had to read that twice - don't you mean YOU are overwhelmed and floundering? How come it all became about him all of a sudden??

It could be said he sensed you were getting some resolve and backtracked accordingly.

It's so pathetic you are swayed by a bit of toast . I'm not saying you are pathetic but that he gives so little you fall on the crumbs (literally!) as though they're the crown jewels.

He's feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of what, going out to work and occasionally buying chocolate?

Have you had counselling together before?

don't forget he has to make the odd cup of tea

it's dizzying, the heights of responsibility he aims for....

What are you getting out of this relationsip? It doesn't seem like anything good for you and he's not setting a positive example for your DS

Ok so the responsibility he has been feeling overwhelmed by is suddenly having to provide financially for a wife and child. He left a well paid job overseas and a life with no financial commitments to move to this country to be with me- and has only just managed to find a job that pays reasonably well (two weeks ago) so we have had two years of financial uncertainty up until now. He is living in a new country- with no friends or family other than those I have introduced him to (although he has always been solitary and has no long lasting friendships- was always moving and travelling for work and so is used to low maintenance transient connections) I was self employed before having our son and am now bringing nothing in money wise.

At the moment I am not really getting anything out of the relationship- but we were happy when we were first together and we are married with a child together so it seems as though that deserves some effort to at least try? Is marriage just a balancing act to make sure we are getting back what we put in? He has been having a difficult time adjusting (not an excuse for his behaviour- just me trying to understand how we have got into this state).

We had a good talk tonight- managed to discuss the very real possibility of splitting without becoming overwhelmed emotionally which has been the case in the past.

I do feel responsible for him. I know I shouldn't- that his ishoos are his to deal with but I can't seem to help it- yes maybe it is a co-dependency thing. I will look at that in my next therapy session. I am notorious for flogging dead horses to be honest- i find it hard to "give up on" relationships. We had counselling together in the past- I thought it was helping- he said it just confused him- but want's to give it a go again.

We have been together three and a half years- married for just over a year.

I am not swayed by the toast- but I can see he is trying to be thoughtful and it does weaken my resolve- it's difficult not to see it as him trying which makes this harder- much easier to be steely when he is being a shit.

I see two options-

A) stop flogging this horse and take that step

B) Work together to change the dynamic and review at a later date- obviously if he is not prepared to do this I can see I can't fix this on my own.