Am I flogging a dead horse?

[pomegranatepie]

My marriage is not a fun place at the moment. We argue alot- were going to therapy together but he says it isn't helping so I am now going alone. We have a 1 year old baby and I don't work. I do all the housework, all the cooking, all the childcare (he sleeps in a separate room when he is not on nights so he can sleep- I am still breastfeeding through the night and co sleeping) I meal plan, do all the grocery shopping and pack him a pack lunch for his work. He works 4 days a week and will occasionally at the weekend change the odd nappy and give our DS a bath- he plays with him lots however and they have a lot of fun together.

If I ever ask him for help- or to watch the baby he gets cross and tells me that I am sucking the energy out of him. He criticises me for being useless with money but never helps with the shopping or budgeting. He is irritable and grumpy alot. Our rows end up in him withdrawing and giving me the silent treatment and me in tears begging him to talk to me (I feel so humiliated- it feels like a punishment but he says it's just protecting himself emotionally) We haven"t had sex since last November.

He threatens to leave in anger alot- but then calms down and tells me he loves me and that he is sorry. He walked out on me the day after my C section telling me that he wasn't happy and wanted to leave- but stayed after a pep talk from my family- it was the most incredibly difficult day of my life.

He tries- but is so unused to feeling needed and to dealing with emotions (lived alone in a solitary job for years)

I love him but I am not happy. My parents split when I was our DS's age and I don"t want to repeat history but I am at a loss at how to fix this.

No deadline.

No timeline.

Take it day by day, one at a time.

If by tomorrow you are slipping then end it.

Do not stick out for a certain time just see what actions suggest.

You may try and try but your husband will not go the distance I am sorry to say so by asking for a deadline you are just trying to delay things and maintain the status quo.

Well he as just taken a new job which will keep him away from home monday-friday- so that will put an end to any arguments about housework and childcare during the week! I am feeling a bit apprehensive about being alone with the baby five days a week but I suppose it's not much different from how things are at the moment.

The night shift job was exhausing him- hopefully this will make him happier.

We talked yesterday- I said that I think deep down that he doesn't want to be with us. He says the reason he threatens to leave is because he finds our relationship really difficult- he doesn't want to leave but reacts when frustrated by just wanting to run away. The things that frustrate him are the fact that he doesn't think I give him space to talk when we argue (I do tend to barrage him with words when I am cross/upset) that I am really defensive when he tries to bring up a behaviour that he would like me to change- simple things like bringing my tea cup down from the bedroom- leaving lights on in rooms I am not in (this does piss me off- I feel criticised for not being 100% perfect- I am really busy and sleep deprived and do a hell of alot for him and it feels like unfair nit picking- so I do get defensive and sometimes quite forcefully so- he finds this really difficult to be around)

We talked about him walking out when our son was born- he said he was angry because I had got stressy about him using all the phone credit when he called his father to tell him the news- a fair enough thing to get annoyed about- I should have just chilled out and let him have his moment and I accept that- however I don't think it warranted him reaction and when he pointed this out he said "you always have a reason to excuse your behaviour"- I had just had a C section! I was fuzzy and shocked (planned homebirth- surgery was my worst nightmare)

Oh I don't fucking know- its really confusing- maybe I am a nightmare to live with- but if that is the case why is he still here?

So two weeks after starting one job he's now taken another? Were you even consulted about this, or just presented with it as something else you would have to accept because he's the breadwinner so he gets what he wants?

The fact that you are now willing to accept 50:50 blame for him walking out on you the day after you gave birth to his child just shows how far deep in this hole you are.

I should have just chilled out and let him have his moment

You had just had a child cut out of your body, but this was his moment? And because you dared to protest at the amount of phone credit being used up he felt quite within his rights to abandon you, and his child, to go off in a hissy say he wasn't happy.

Everything is about him.

The job is with the same company- just a different position. He did consult me about it- we both agreed that it might actually be a positive thing- less hectic in the week and more money- he was really struggling with the night shift thing. I feel like a lone parent during the week anyway- and at least this way I am not tiptoeing around a sleeping man during the days and I am only looking after one child!

No- I absolutely don't accept 50:50 blame- He was without doubt completely out of order and it was a hideous thing to do to me.

This is very much the same as before: him him him.

What will hopefully make him happier, what upsets him, why he does things.

Your still revolving your life around this man.

That is unhealthy.

You are bending over backwards for him still and expecting a change.

What about you?

Seems like you are always wrong, to blame or having to excuse yourself.

Now he goes away for 5 days to be happy and stress free and when he comes back it starts again.

You are not changing things, you cannot change things, you will be doing this same post with these same thoughts in a matter of weeks.

Until you finally stop posting because you've started to believe his lies and manipulations and you are as dependent on him needing you as he is with needing.

You need to read the books mentioned above.

You need to speak to your therapist the first day he goes away and then not speak to him until he comes back- you need time alone, truly alone to think.

Yes, he is your entire focus. EVERYTHING is about him: what he thinks, feels, does, wants. He is your king in the working out, in actuality.

Yes, read the books pronto. Google CoDA and read through. Stick with it bcs you may not see it initially, may fight it... bcs you'll be wanting to get back to thinking about, putting your entire focus on, him.

I do agree that I need to focus more on my own needs, but this thread is about how I feel about him, so obviously my focus is on him if you see what I mean? It's not like that in real life, my focus is on me and my son, we go to lovely groups, visit friends etc and I don't spend that much time and energy thinking about our relationship- just on the evenings when I am alone really. And he most definitely isn't my king, I give as good as I get when we argue (until the silent treatment).

Sounds like you are already a single parent of two babies, one of whom is 47.

I would love it if my son had a stable loving family

Then jettison this whiny narcissist while your DC is young enough, because he isn't going to change. He's almost 50 years old and still needs you to make him a pack lunch and then bitches at a sleep-deprived mother for leaving a tea cup upstairs. If he wants to go eat sand with the other kiddies, let him.

You're flogging a bellend.

Ha! You may well have a point Rivierakid, made me laugh at least :)

www.coda-uk.org

Codependents often are high-functioning. Codependency has nothing to do with how things look on the surface, or 'giving as good as you get'.

Need to stop excusing him, need to stop trying to analyse him, need to stop doing it all for him. We are only going to see each other two days a week so lots of practice looking after my own needs. Thing is, what I really need is a husband who is there every day and who supports me emotionally and co parents with me :(

Thing is, what I really need is a husband who is there every day and who supports me emotionally and co parents with me sad

And you could have that.

But never with this man, he has proven it time and time again.

You also need not to make this thread or your thoughts all about him.

This is about you, not him.

You need to focus on that here because he just derails it.

He is a problem, the only solution is to get rid of him or have this problem always.

Those two days a week are going to consist of you doing his washing and ironing and packing him back up to leave again, and him sleeping / doing his own thing as he has such little time at home, not to mention criticising everything you've done differently to the way he would do it. (I almost sympathise, it is an arse working away from home 5 days a week - but even more looking after a baby on your own in what sounds like a very isolated spot 7 days a week).

"I don't work hard all week to come home to a wining self pitying wife" just three weeks in to the new job. I have said I want to separate, it is not being taken well. Not sure where to go from here.

Where to go ?

Get the divorce papers drawn up.

It's blatantly obviously you are terribly matched and have been since way before a child was brought into the mix. You are both behaving like your legs are in traps where in fact you both have the key just nobody wants to take the full plunge and use it. YOU ARE MAKING EACH OTHER UNHAPPY. You did before you baby and you do now. Your DS will be better served with you separate. Please do that one thing for him.