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Original poster

Am I needy or is this a bad sign?

78 replies

notwatchingxfactor · 04/10/2015 20:16

Just need a bit of perspective.

New boyfriend, seeing him a month, very early days.

Have felt a few times like he doesn't keep in quite enough contact between dates but on the dates themselves he's really great and I think "what were you worried about you daft bugger".

But this weekend I was ill with a cold, and have felt like I have instigated text chats a couple of times and he's first of all read the texts and taken a while to respond and second of all replied quite shortly and not really bothered.

Felt a bit low today, with being ill, actually quite down (will admit actually I am feeling quite alone in the world right now) and texted him saying a cuddle would be nice and he just sort of palmed me off with an "aww, feel better" sort of message that made me feel like he didn't care about me.

We're meant to have a weekend together next weekend and I can't help feeling like he turns it on and off, but then I am not sure if I am expecting too much because I feel quite alone and want a cuddle and some atttention or if he is just behaving in a way that boyfriends shouldn't.

It's very early days. We are exclusive, but still early days.

Someone else is asking me out, and while I have been sick all weekend this guy has phoned me twice and oferred to being stuff around and I just feel like crying really because the man I am actually seeing is maybe neglecting me?

Please tell me if you think I am being really unfair and stupid or if you think it's a sign I should move on.

OP posts:
Wotsitsareafterme · 04/10/2015 20:28

I'd go with the second guy if you like him. I pulled up my dp before we went exclusive and said look right - your patterns of contact are rubbish. I will struggle with this. He stepped it right up and has barely been out of touch since. You know what works for you - challenge him about it or move on

plantsitter · 04/10/2015 20:32

Hmm. I would wait 'til you feel better and then decide whether you want to take things further. Don't let the cold decide but equally if it's not working for you, it's not.

The other guy is a red herring unless you actually really like him other than for his nursing skills.

niceupthedance · 04/10/2015 20:35

Depends what he was doing, if I was out and about I wouldn't know what else to say other than 'I hope you feel better soon'. If you wanted him to cancel his plans to tend to your cold I'd say you were being a bit unreasonable.

Frecklesandspecs · 04/10/2015 20:40

Are you sure the first guy is exclusively single?

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 04/10/2015 20:41

I would define first guy as someone you are seeing, not a boyfriend. He likes you, but doesn't care enough to be bothered when you're ill or to be in contact much in between.

At least that's how I'd interpret it if I were you.

MajesticWhine · 04/10/2015 20:43

You've only been seeing him a month. So taking that into account, perhaps you are coming across as a bit needy and expecting a bit too much. But you are feeling ill and down, so you can be forgiven for that. But don't make any decisions right now. See how it goes.

marzipan123 · 04/10/2015 20:49

Firstly, he probably doesn't want to catch your cold!

Secondly, for many men a needy woman is a turn off! Especially those who want to text a lot and need to keep in constant contact.

Thirdly, there are couples who are joined at the hip and are very 'close' all the time. That's fine, but if you are like that just don't pick someone who operates differently and prefers a more independent woman.

Wait and see, but if it turns out you want different types of relationship, well, he may not be for you.

Trills · 04/10/2015 20:49

I'd read his behaviour when you are ill as an indicator of whether he wants to be in a more serious relationship.

And the answer is "not yet".

Which is fine, you've only been seeing each other a month.

It also means that you're fine to have a date with the other guy and see how you feel, if you want to.

Neither of you has promised to be exclusive.

Original poster
notwatchingxfactor · 04/10/2015 20:53

No, no, I didn't at all expect him to come over! I just expected a longer text exchange...maybe a phonecall..just anything I suppose.

It's difficult to put my finger on but I suppose, yes, it made me feel like I was just a casual thing to him.

I know I have a feeling I was being needy. It just made me feel bad and was probably looking for people to tell me I was so I can stop being silly.

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 04/10/2015 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
notwatchingxfactor · 04/10/2015 21:00

Maybe I have some issues at the moment of my own and am expecting a bit too much.

I do really like him, but find that our "relationship" exists only when we're together physically and in between I feel like it just freezes.

He does text and contact me, but it's quite casual. I now not everyone is gushy and try and remind myself of that.

What I am worried about is that I am seeing someone who's not that fussed about me and am not sure what the signs are that I am just sex to him. I am not sure what to look for.

OP posts:
spudlike1 · 04/10/2015 21:03

I don't think he's very serious about you sorry ..
When men are serious you know about it ..
Sorry to be harsh ...but best to be wary .
you're ill and he's not bothered, he should have shown more care in his messages.

Norest · 04/10/2015 21:08

Personally if someone I had only been dating a month was expecting a crapton of sympathy, hand-holding ang 'looking after' etc for a cold I'd be thinking they were proper high maintenance.

category12 · 04/10/2015 21:10

Oh bollocks to "a needy woman is a turn off". If it's good between you then your needs/wants will be a priority. If it's good between you it will be fun and lacking in angst. If you're having to pretend you need less from a boyfriend than you actually do, then it's not going to work.

Original poster
notwatchingxfactor · 04/10/2015 21:11

See the problem is that the lst two responses are totally conflicting and that's what goes on in my brain. Am I being high maintenance or is he not very serious about me. If it's the former I want to move on to someone else who is :(

I am a bit needy on certain things. Not high maintenance on the majority of things but I do need a good deal of reassurance at the start of a relationship and don't want me being needy to sabotage a good thing but also don't want to keep seeing someone who's not really liking me

OP posts:
Psycobabble · 04/10/2015 21:11

On the one hand it's very early days so maybe until he is sure about you he's happy to get to know you on dates etc but not wanting to get to involved so quick

On the flip side I'm very much if you like someone you like them and want to talk to them all the time getting to know each other etc . In my relationships iv always found this to be true from both me and the guy in question
Same now with current ( and hopefully my last !!!) dp , couldn't get enough always texting a phoning in the beginning ( and stills when apart )

I'd just talk to him and see were he thinks this is going

Psycobabble · 04/10/2015 21:12

I meant we still do talk a lot on the phone when we are apart

Original poster
notwatchingxfactor · 04/10/2015 21:12

Sorry Category12...that was a cross post and I think you jyst gave me my answer. I don't want to have to pretend to need less than I do. I want to be with someone who naturally wants to give that.

I do give a lot back, and I am an independent woman but just feel generally like he doesn't care about me and just fancies me.

OP posts:
spudlike1 · 04/10/2015 21:15

I wouldn't want a new boyfriend rushing around to.hold my hand when I look and feel like shit
But I new man should send a few funny txts to check in .
I think you gut is telling you the truth ..be wary ... maybe he does really like you ..but not showing concern when your ill is selfish
And like I said before when a man is genuinely keen you no

Original poster
notwatchingxfactor · 04/10/2015 21:15

Yes Psyco, I am also more used to that lovely bit at the start of relationships where you can't get enough of each other. I have felt disappointed from the lack of that if I am honest but then when we are together he wipes the floor with most men I have been with before. I feel a very strong and natural connection and it's very comfortable and feel very right. There's the confusion.

I know I should probably verbalise this to him but not sure how to put it without coming across as needy.

I think one of the things he likes about me is that I am sort of a strong and independent woman and I hate that this is bringing out this insecurity in me

OP posts:
spudlike1 · 04/10/2015 21:17

Know about it
See the other man ..keep your options open
This one sounds selfish and only half interested

Original poster
notwatchingxfactor · 04/10/2015 21:19

Yes spud. There are no texts to check in. None at all. He repleis generally quickly if I instigate.

He ramps up communication when we got 4 - 5 day without seeing each other - but he could easily go days without a peep if I didn't nudge him.

On the other hand he goes to exceptional lengths to see me.

We both have really hectic lives and busy circumstances and he bends over backwards to see me - last night he hung around after work for three hours waiting for me to come out.

So there are positives too...just this niggling feeling of no intimacy outside of when we are phsycially together. I do feel like if he was phsically here he would be giving me massages, making me dinner etc. and lots of cuddles.

Maybe some people are really bad at communicating not face to face?

OP posts:
NotMyRealName2015 · 04/10/2015 21:23

To me it sounds like you are just incompatiable with each other.

Some people just don't talk a lot over text. I don't. It would drive me me mad if someone expected me to text back within a certain amount of time or send long gushy messages. I only txt my OH when i have something to say and vice versa, anything else would make me feel smothered but that doesn't mean i don't love him very much.

That doesn't mean that I am right and you are wrong (or that you are 'being silly')- just that people are different. I think if you really like him it might be worth discussing it wth him, but so soon in the relationship there is no harm in cutting your losses if you are already unhappy.

spudlike1 · 04/10/2015 21:23

Have a joke with him about him not giving good text Wink
See how he responds ....again if he's serious he'll up his game .
Some men are crap at the phone thing

AtlanticaBlue · 04/10/2015 21:25

There's no such thing as 'needy' - if you are feeling ' needy' then he just doesn't meet your specific needs.

Doesn't make him a bad person, he just isn't right for you.

Don't let the loneliness that you mention make you settle for anything less than exactly what you want and don't be afraid to continue on your own for a while rather than being with someone who isn't making you happy.