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Original poster

Am I needy or is this a bad sign?

78 replies

notwatchingxfactor · 04/10/2015 20:16

Just need a bit of perspective.

New boyfriend, seeing him a month, very early days.

Have felt a few times like he doesn't keep in quite enough contact between dates but on the dates themselves he's really great and I think "what were you worried about you daft bugger".

But this weekend I was ill with a cold, and have felt like I have instigated text chats a couple of times and he's first of all read the texts and taken a while to respond and second of all replied quite shortly and not really bothered.

Felt a bit low today, with being ill, actually quite down (will admit actually I am feeling quite alone in the world right now) and texted him saying a cuddle would be nice and he just sort of palmed me off with an "aww, feel better" sort of message that made me feel like he didn't care about me.

We're meant to have a weekend together next weekend and I can't help feeling like he turns it on and off, but then I am not sure if I am expecting too much because I feel quite alone and want a cuddle and some atttention or if he is just behaving in a way that boyfriends shouldn't.

It's very early days. We are exclusive, but still early days.

Someone else is asking me out, and while I have been sick all weekend this guy has phoned me twice and oferred to being stuff around and I just feel like crying really because the man I am actually seeing is maybe neglecting me?

Please tell me if you think I am being really unfair and stupid or if you think it's a sign I should move on.

OP posts:
NotMyRealName2015 · 04/10/2015 21:25

Big X post there

ClashCityRocker · 04/10/2015 21:27

Hmm, I think colds are one of those things that you forget how awful they make you feel until you're sufferring from one yourself so I perhaps wouldn't read too much into the lack of outpouring of sympathy.

That said, if you're mismatched on the communication side, it will cause problems, especially if it makes you miserable over it...I don't think he's doing anything wrong, and I don't think you're being 'needy', I just think you have different levels of expectations.

Fwiw, Dh isn't much of a texter and never has been...even if I'm stopping away, he'll maybe text three or four times a day unless something major happens, and a phone call in the evening. He is however a loving, attentive partner in other ways and I feel totally secure in our relationship.

it's only been a month - I think I would be tempted to wait and see how things progress, if you really like him - I wouldn't class him as a boyfriend, more someone you're seeing, and go on a date with the second bloke if you want.

category12 · 04/10/2015 21:28

I stick by " If you're having to pretend you need less from a boyfriend than you actually do, then it's not going to work" - dammit so many of us try to get by on less than we need, just read the threads here. It doesn't work and we are not wrong to expect a bit of decency from our partners.

Wotsitsareafterme · 04/10/2015 21:30

Category - exactly that. Don't settle.

Psycobabble · 04/10/2015 21:30

from what you say about the effort he puts in to see you that sounds good I mean let's be honest why would he bother if he just wanted some casual fun?

Maybe he does really like you but genuinely is really busy or is just shit on the phone . Like you say your used to lots more communication in the beginning like myself in new relationships but then I guess not everyone is the same . Maybe he has reason to take it slowly been hurt in the past for example ?
Only thing that sticks out for me is that your not very well and is kind of expect a bit of sympathy and cheering up

Can you arrange to see him a bit more than you do at the moment ? Spending a bit more time together in person might make it clearer were this is going .

spudlike1 · 04/10/2015 21:41

My other half barely txts me never looks at his phone during the day I'm fine with it because I'm secure in the relationship . In the first month of our relationship I got a sweet funny txt everyday ...
This is your guys most attentive ..down hill from here ...
Follow your instincts ...and stop.telling your self you're too needy I agree on that point made by other poster

Original poster
notwatchingxfactor · 04/10/2015 21:56

He has been extremely badly hurt in the past.

Do you think that really affects people or is that just psycho babble nonsense we tell ourselves?

I will admit I am honestly not sure if I am pushing and testing him (also badly hurt in the past) as I sometimes feel like I am guilty of the same things that I accuse him of but am somehow expecting him to do all the chasing because I am the girl.

I think my head is just a bit of a mess as I quite like him.

OP posts:
Original poster
notwatchingxfactor · 04/10/2015 22:00

I feel like I just took a step back and tried to text him as if I wasn't that bothered, not coming from a place of need and sent him a jolly text and he replied pretty instantly with something sweet and kisses

I might be driving myself mad here. I have no idea why this is trigerring me to feel so weak and needy.

I think I gave myself a panic attack this afternoon because I had a dizzy spell and broke into a sweat and had to lay down. My skin went red hot and then was dripping wet and had to change my clothes.

I just feel like crying all the time. I am not sure why it's all dragging up the past but I am associating with panful past things

OP posts:
GreenRug · 04/10/2015 22:12

It's because you're feeling vulnerable. He's got you on the back foot, it's making you feel needy and therefore, weak. No one likes feeling that way.

In your position I'd give it a week or a few days to let the illness subside then I really would say something to him. My now DH was like this and a couple of weeks in I just told him this isn't going to work for me. He obviously took it on board as he upped his game with the contact (and frequency of dates, which was an issue for me). At this stage, you've got nothing to lose but at least give him a chance to improve if he wants to. If not, then you'll have your answer.

Morganly · 04/10/2015 22:19

I think it is far too soon to be investing this level of seriousness into the relationship.

You have been seeing him for a few weeks plus there is someone else you may be interested in.

You should be enjoying dating, having two men interested in you but you seem unhappy.

I don't think this man is doing anything wrong. I think you need to work out why you are so unhappy and I don't think it's got anything to do with a guy you've only just met not texting you often enough.

Original poster
notwatchingxfactor · 04/10/2015 22:27

Youre both right. Its not him really. It's something inside of me that feels very vulnerable.

I might really just try being honest about that

OP posts:
Gabilan · 04/10/2015 22:33

"Am I being high maintenance or is he not very serious about me. If it's the former I want to move on to someone else who is"

I don't think you have to see it in those terms. You want more communication from him than you're currently getting. He may or may not be serious about you - it's only been a month. So either give him a chance to communicate more, or decide now you're not compatible.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 04/10/2015 22:36

**
Some people just don't talk a lot over text. I don't. It would drive me me mad if someone expected me to text back within a certain amount of time or send long gushy messages. I only txt my OH when i have something to say and vice versa, anything else would make me feel smothered but that doesn't mean i don't love him
**
See this is me, somebody expecting me to text every day would drive me mad, (yes just once every day, (when i don't actually have any information to pass on).

So if you just want different stuff, see if he can do it if not move on. Mis matched communication expectations is major problem time.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/10/2015 22:38

You are ill and need to rest, that's obvious. Hopefully, when you are not ill, you are more sensible and functional than your posts are making you sound.
Being 'honest about feeling vulnerable' with someone you have only been seeing for a few weeks is an absolutely terrible idea. The other person will immediately think 'whining, clinging, hopeless mess' and if he's nice, he will run for the hills - but if he isn't nice, he will rub his hands in glee and set about fucking you up really badly. Vulnerability is not an attractive quality to anyone other than abusers.

marzipan123 · 04/10/2015 22:38

Look, I love the people in my life very much. But I am famous for my short abrupt texts. After a long text from someone, I reply, OK, or Yes, or No!
Everyone thinks it is hilarious. But to me it's normal. If I want to talk to someone I pick up the phone and chat. Texts are for quickly confirming something, or saying my train arrives at 9 can you pick me up?

Not everyone has their finger glued to their phone keypad!! Lol!

spudlike1 · 04/10/2015 22:40

Fear of rejection is a terrible thing it can make one behave in irrational ways .I know from personal experience. The dating game is a tough world also. I think k you need to be really very honest with him tell him exactly how you feel , it will go one of two ways but at least you will know.
Sooner rather than later

Original poster
notwatchingxfactor · 04/10/2015 22:41

SolidGoldBrass that was great advice, thanks. I didn't think of it that way and you'e right.

If it helps put context...my ex left me because I got ill...so being ill (even a cold) had regressed me back.

I feel as I have typed I've realised I am being needy - whether or not his behavior is good or bad I am definitely feeling needy.

Maybe expecting him to Mummy me or whatever.

OP posts:
Original poster
notwatchingxfactor · 04/10/2015 22:44

Honestly I don't care how much someone phones or texts me I only really care that they like me and want to be with me and think aout me or whatever so I maybe need to think about what I do need.

OP posts:
StillDrSethHazlittMD · 05/10/2015 08:59

There is no time limit on a text. There is no law that says you must reply immediately you receive a text, or within 30 minutes or within an hour. People do have lives or things they are doing.

Sorry, but I do think the advent of texting has made people more paranoid or seemingly needy. Texting is a convenient, quick form of short communication. Unfortunately some people seem to think it has more or less replaced actual communication and speech unless you are in the same room as them.

OP, you may be exclusive but you're in the very very early stages. One month is very much "dating" or "seeing" rather than "boyfriend and girlfriend" (unless you're about 14).

You've said you both have really hectic lives and he bends over backwards to see you. That sounds pretty good to me at this stage.

marzipan123 · 05/10/2015 09:33

I hope you are feeling better this morning. Although the weather is rubbish. OK, here's the thing! Stop over analysing over it all, just go with the flow for a month or so. You will soon find out if it is a goer. Give it a chance. The other guy in the background is a detail you don't need to worry about. Forget him for the moment, stick him on the back burner. Get well and see how it goes with the first guy - you have said he is sterling qualities and all that. You are getting yourself tied in knots. My old ma used to say, if you crowd people, they pull back, if you pull back (and they really like you) they come forward. I have to say I hate to be crowded. Even with girl friends. I have one who is constantly on the phone, wants to be meeting for coffee, lunch etc far more than I want to. When I feel overwhelmed I pull back and make excuses. If she lets up. I find I then contact her. But when I think of it, if I have been really busy with life as happens sometimes, when we speak she says things like, 'Oh, I thought you'd gone off me!' Now when the boot is on the other foot, I would never dream of making a comment like that to a friend, because I don't think like that. If that all makes sense!!

Original poster
notwatchingxfactor · 05/10/2015 11:42

Thanks everyone. I've no idea what's wrong with me at the moment. I used to be diferrent from this and I know it's really unnatractive. I just feel needy! I am better today.

OP posts:
spudlike1 · 05/10/2015 12:24

It's because you care ..what's wrong with that

Original poster
notwatchingxfactor · 05/10/2015 12:28

Yes I know but wish I was a bit more confident in myself so I didn;t feel doubtful he liked me back as much as I like him.

OP posts:
Original poster
notwatchingxfactor · 05/10/2015 21:10

to help me out here a bit...can I get feedback on how many people if they were dating & sleeping with someone would want contact from them of some sort each day...just a text or something...and how many would not be at all bothered not to hear from them in a day. I just mean an average day...not a day when the guy was amazingly busy or offline or in any special circumstances.

OP posts:
DisillusionedGoat · 05/10/2015 21:26

It's not about a consensus, it's about you and what you feel happy with regarding what is a personal relationship.

You need to think about what you'd like and explain it to DP. Then go from there.

It is very early days, so try and relax. I know that the start of a relationship can be sort of stressful, especially if you have experienced problematic starts (relationship wise) the near past.

I hope it all settles down nicely and that you enjoy the thrill of a new relationship.