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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I needy or is this a bad sign?

78 replies

notwatchingxfactor · 04/10/2015 20:16

Just need a bit of perspective.

New boyfriend, seeing him a month, very early days.

Have felt a few times like he doesn't keep in quite enough contact between dates but on the dates themselves he's really great and I think "what were you worried about you daft bugger".

But this weekend I was ill with a cold, and have felt like I have instigated text chats a couple of times and he's first of all read the texts and taken a while to respond and second of all replied quite shortly and not really bothered.

Felt a bit low today, with being ill, actually quite down (will admit actually I am feeling quite alone in the world right now) and texted him saying a cuddle would be nice and he just sort of palmed me off with an "aww, feel better" sort of message that made me feel like he didn't care about me.

We're meant to have a weekend together next weekend and I can't help feeling like he turns it on and off, but then I am not sure if I am expecting too much because I feel quite alone and want a cuddle and some atttention or if he is just behaving in a way that boyfriends shouldn't.

It's very early days. We are exclusive, but still early days.

Someone else is asking me out, and while I have been sick all weekend this guy has phoned me twice and oferred to being stuff around and I just feel like crying really because the man I am actually seeing is maybe neglecting me?

Please tell me if you think I am being really unfair and stupid or if you think it's a sign I should move on.

OP posts:

spudlike1 · 05/10/2015 21:44

Take it easy one day at a time ...
Everyone is different .
I've had bad experiences so would require reassurance once day so I know he's thinking of me..... but everyone is different as you can read from all the posts you've got

spudlike1 · 05/10/2015 21:47

All blokes are different as well ..its not a one size fits all . And I wouldn't be asking for him to txt either it should be a natural thing
I find people who are addicted to their phones very irritating btw maybe he's busy living in the now
One day at a time

spudlike1 · 05/10/2015 22:03

You could be over thinking this ...you could be onto a loser or a winner ??????...who knows ? It's is way too early to say ...try to relax and keep a little of yourself back just in case ( for your sanity)

Original poster

notwatchingxfactor · 05/10/2015 22:04

Ive never had a boyfriend who didn't phone or text me at least once a day once we started having sex. Not because they felt pressured to, but because they wanted that contact with me.

I want him to want that contact with me.

I feel like he will expect to contact me barely all week then on Friday it'll be texts all day of how much he wants to see me and it makes me feel a bit cheap.

I'm not sure how to broach this subject, or how to deal with it, but I can't continue dating him if he doesn't want to speak to me between dates at all.

He's not busy or adverse to the phone...he's online on various things chatting. Just not to me.

I am going to take a step way back here and try and figure out what to do. Have never been in this situation before of feeling like someone doesn't want to speak to me that I am dating

OP posts:

Original poster

notwatchingxfactor · 05/10/2015 22:08

I know what you'e saying spudulike, but Friday night we're meant to be spending the night together and all day Saturday (all arranged) all romantic like.

And while Id be fine with having a date after Id not hard from him a few days...but diferrent when I am in a situation where physical intimacy is expected.

I don't want to have sex with him (physical intimacy) if he's not been in touch (mental intimacy) because my head and body have a connection.

I don't know what to do.

Don't want to stop seeing him, don't want to flip out or be demanding, don't want to be honest because he will percieve this as needy but also don't want to go for a romantic weekend with someone who's barely been arsed to speak to me.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/10/2015 22:10

Trust your instincts. He isn't stepping up. It's very easy to be nice and engaging and affectionate when you're actually with someone and getting the instant feedback - being thoughtful over time and consistent from a distance is different.

I would feel as you do and I am not that needy, I don't think. For me it is about self-respect and how I feel I should be treated. This is different for everyone of course, but if someone isn't behaving as if I really matter to them then there is a problem and the problem is NOT me being needy. Especially after sex and intimacy and assertions of exclusivity.

Stay close to your truth. You have a right to it.

MajesticWhine · 05/10/2015 22:17

I think every day contact is unnecessary for a new relationship. But given you are spending Friday night and Saturday together, I sort of see where you are coming from. Personally, I would just let it slide and see how it develops. But it's obviously bothering you a lot, so you could just tell him - explain that you can't just turn it on like a tap and feel something for him when you haven't been in touch and you don't feel close. It could easily come across as quite a heavy-going conversation to have at this stage though, so it is risky and it might frighten him off. He might be seeing the relationship as more of a shagging at the weekend type thing and just doesn't think about it the same way as you.

Original poster

notwatchingxfactor · 05/10/2015 22:29

Attrocious thanks so much for validating me. I know I am off balance /acting weak and needy and I do kind of disgust myself in this state but at the same time there are causes leading up to it and I guess you pharsed it so well. I don't feel respected. I don't feel special. I don't feel important. And I deifnitely don't feel like I matter. Not one bit.

Majestic He does see the relationship as more of a shagging at the weekend kind of thing. This is the real problem here and you put it exactly right.

I don't want that! I don't really care about scaring him off or not to be honest. I do really like him but am happy to find someone else I like who doesn't create this feeling inside me.

I also don't want to handle it badly. I am not sure what to do at all. Maybe talk to him when I see him, but I don't want to feel obligated to sex. Maybe cancel the weekend and go have lunch with him or something?

OP posts:

spudlike1 · 05/10/2015 22:36

Don't have sex with him this weekend
Gut feelings are always right

spudlike1 · 05/10/2015 22:54

Men can be shocking users ..I'm not saying he is of course .
But there is only one way to.find out

spudlike1 · 05/10/2015 23:03

Oh and the good ones are particularly good at it ...

velouria · 05/10/2015 23:03

I think peoples expectations of communication are indeed very different, however for me these days a lot of the getting to know you/chatting/humour in the very early days is done via phone or text in between dates, a lot of the actual dates is taken up by erm shagging . I mostly meet potential dates online and I wouldn't expect the frequency and content of messages to be the same as before you met, after a few dates, but pretty much any less than a daily night babe, can't talk am knackered would have me going hmm. Trust your instincts, you know if he is into you or not,don't rationalise yourself out of it.

Muckogy · 05/10/2015 23:06

the first guy doesn't sound that keen. sorry.
i would see the second guy too.
neither have made any commitment to you, so you are under no obligation to either of them.

TheMarxistMinx · 05/10/2015 23:07

I think men don't seem to need the same amount of reassurance as women at the start. Some pursue lots of contact but this is because they are really keen, and often because they are not sure that you are. And I guess that's it, because if a guy isn't keen it won't ever occur to him that you might need reassurance. He will simply make the assumption that all is well and you won't run off with Mr next. Maybe this guy feels too assured of your interest. So, don't contact him and then see what happens. If he panics...he's probably still keen on you.

As regards the weekend, well I would go, you like his company, you have already had sex with him, its probably the perfect opportunity to try and create some intimacy and discuss with him how much you love hearing from him when you are apart. Like kids, I have been reliably informed they respond to affirmative and positive reinforcement

If nothing changes, well I guess you have to decide.

velouria · 05/10/2015 23:10

Also if you are exclusive, to still be chatting to and considering going on a date with someone else is a bit hypocritical

TheMarxistMinx · 05/10/2015 23:16

I would be irritated with all this "night babe" what's that all about, I don't see the point. I would rather someone say something more substantial...or shut up its lazy too, its like dangling half a carrot, not even a whole one.

Original poster

notwatchingxfactor · 05/10/2015 23:18

What I really want to say to him is "I like you, but your behavior is offputting and while you are ignoring me, someone else is phoning to see how I am and great sex or not, I want that, not this".

But you can't really say that can you!

I don't want to cancel but I just feel frustrated.

OP posts:

Original poster

notwatchingxfactor · 05/10/2015 23:23

I will be honest in saying that his communication for the time I have known him has always been a bit up and down, but I know he did like me because he asked me out a lot of times. He was just not very heavy on the texting and calling and never was. There were days (often days he was bored!) that we'd chat a fair bit but he was never like clockwork with it.

I just expected once having sex and dating that would change and need to find some gentle / positive way to comunucate to him that if I don't hear a sniff from him all day it makes me feel bad.

I want a way to say that to him, in a non-forceful way so that he gets me and understands that if he wants me he has to figure a way to provide that reassurance. Even if it comes in the form of a jokey manner or something light hearted.

I want to find a way to just tell him how this makes me feel and let him make a choice.

OP posts:

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 05/10/2015 23:26

I'd bin him.

I'd been seeing my now DH about 3 weeks when I got a rotten cold.

He nipped out of work, turned up at my flat with lemsip and other anti-cold items (because I'd told him I didn't have any but felt too rotten to go out and buy any), made me some lunch and went back to work with a promise - which he kept - to come back and pamper me after work.

I don't care if you've only been seeing him a month. He should care if you're poorly and want to help.

Original poster

notwatchingxfactor · 05/10/2015 23:30

:( yeah, I guess that sort of thing would be pretty nice. Your DH sounds lovely.

OP posts:

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 05/10/2015 23:31

Oh he has his moments! He's not perfect but he IS kind. Kindness is very important.

Phoenix69 · 06/10/2015 05:56

You do need to tell him what sort of messages/calls you want.

face to face 'when I get a message from you it makes me happy because I know you are thinking of me. I really like that'

see if he can take a hint. if he can't - tell him.

Crackingchar · 06/10/2015 07:22

You've been seeing this man for a handful of weeks and already all this angst. You'd have me running a mile in the opposite direction I'm afraid

Original poster

notwatchingxfactor · 06/10/2015 15:48

Ah well, all that angst was not misplaced afterall.

He sends me a message to ask when we are seeing each other again like he'd forgotten entirely about the weekend! I replied saying "we had plans for Friday?" and he said he'd let me know as he thought he might have something else on!

What a dick!!!

OP posts:

HellonHeels · 06/10/2015 17:30

I think it's time to dump him after that little gem

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