How long should it take to "get" the whole fatherhood thing!?

[RPopz]

I'm really fucking tired of being the "default parent" all the time and I feel like it's breaking my marriage.

DS is 9mo - first and only child. I don't doubt for a second that DH loves him and he isn't a horrible father... But he just doesn't seem to get that life doesn't revolve around him and what he wants anymore! His life is basically unchanged apart from cuddling and bathing a baby for an hour after work each night. He'll dress him and do token nappy changes on his days off. Everything else I have to tell/ ask him to do. He has an unending list of hobbies and interests which he hasn't let slip at all since DS was born, basically spends all his evenings doing these, or on his phone messaging his mates. He goes out at least once a week - but I have to ask him to "babysit" if I want to go anywhere or do anything. He's on his phone CONSTANTLY (I'm not even joking, he even takes it in the shower with him). He hardly bothers to make conversation with me. Doesn't seem to get that his days off work are my days "off" from looking after the baby, and expects to spend the day catching up on tv/ Xbox. Happy to just dump DS in a playpen or whatever and ignore him. Never organises things for us to do as a family - it's always down to me to think of and organise. He does little round the house without being nagged. Its just his hobbies hobbies HOBBIES all the time. I feel like they're more important to him than I (we) are. Spends most of his money on them too...

I'm not the perfect wife. Not by any stretch. But I just can't stand him anymore. Just got this constant low level irritation towards him all the time. Can't stand him touching me (can't be arsed to pay attention to me - why should he get to grope me!?). Constantly shrugging him off - which granted probably doesn't make him feel like being more attentive towards me... We're basically just existing in the same house. From my pov anyway.

Just don't know what to do really. Talked to him about it a couple of times. Things usually improve for a day or so and then go back to normal. Kind of want him to leave.

Help?

I don't know what to say... he sounds awful.

I have a new born baby (17 days old) and my dh is very hands on. He obviously goes to work so doesn't see the baby during the day, but we combination feed so he stays up with the baby most nights feeding while I sleep.

I don't mean this as a stealth boast, btw. DH went out last night to "wet the baby's head" and I missed him like crazy - I think it must have been a taste of what you're experiencing most days? I think I thought at one point that I was going to go insane with the crying baby!

I wonder, would you be better off alone, or is the relationship worth working on? Answer this and you'll know what to do. But don't try to do everything yourself. If he doesn't make an effort as well then I think you need to consider that he's showing you your future if you choose to stay with him. You don't have to accept it.

If my ex hadn't of had the snip I'd say you'd needed up with him. On his working days he didn't think he should do much with the dc's, but his days off were rest days. At weekends he would get up around 10am and ask me what we were doing for the day. If there were chores of errands to do he'd be pissed off.

Tbh nothing made him improve. We went to relate and he would be alright for a few weeks then go downhill again.

So much easier when I kicked him out and could concentrate on the dc's.

You could give him the shock of relate and see if the penny drops. It might work. Otherwise seriously consider your options. He's not setting a great example to his ds either.

He was more hands on in the first few weeks to be fair ARV. But it gradually tailed off after he went back to work. DS is exclusively bf so he's limited to how much he can help in that respect I suppose.

He's not a horrible man. Just selfish and thoughtless and OBSESSED with gaming... He has put up with his fair share of shit from me in the past due to mental health issues. Not to excuse him!

I don't know if toddlerhood will bring an improvement. I know he doesn't altogether "get" babies. I remember months ago asking him not to ignore DS's grizzling or to expect him to sit in a bouncer for hours because he's not just like a doll - he's a little person with wants and needs. DH said "he's not though, is he" I know he didn't mean it as badly as it sounds but.....

Eek, sounds like mine OP. I've got 3 and been married 7 years and my life has turned upside down, his is pretty much the same. Work, work and more work. (work is his hobby too btw
He never changes, dresses or baths them. Rarely takes them out and when he does he can't wait to get back to work.
In essence he hardly sees them (or me)
I'm so fed up of it after so long I'll be leaving at the end of Oct (everything is sorted and planned )
He's been lime this with dd1,dd2 and ds1
I'd definitely try to talk it through, tell him how you feel and what you might do if nothing changes.
It might work, but don't bank on it!

I've been reading a lot of stuff about marriage satisfaction being significantly decreased in the transition to parenthood.... I guess I was looking for some reassurance that it was normal and would improve. Seems like I may have been kidding myself!

Ex husband lived to 57 and never 'got' what it is to be a father, not with my child (his first), anyway.

I recall being annoyed, after the baby came, that he didn't grow up and wasn't a real adult.

I purposefully booked my daughter (5 years old) onto a soccer course knowing it would have to be my partner taking her (he is the only one legally allowed to driver here) as a way of getting him to spend more time with her and I am still expected to go along with them

I have no idea how to get him to pay her more attention so will be following this thread with interest!

Our marriage satisfaction decreased When we had dc. Because we didn't have as much time for each other. Not because dh couldn't commit to fatherhood, or to our new life, but because we BOTH had someone who came before each other. That's a strange new phenomenon in a loving relationship where before you lived and devoted to each other only. Now you both come second to this wonderful, Tiring,needy child. It's an adjustment. But the reason for marital dissatisfaction in your relationship isn't the 'normal' learning if new boundaries and love, but rather that your dick of a husband doesn't rant to engage with you as a mother of his dc , or his dc as a father. He's a Manchild- deeply un attractive

He won't change, he won't improve. Don't hang around hoping that the next milestone will magically bring a lightbulb moment for him, because it won't. The only difference will be that DS will start to notice.

You would be totally justified in insisting that he leave. This is not a clueless but well meaning new father, he's not suffering "male PND", this is not a crisis of marriage. It's a crisis of not actually being arsed to grow up and think of somebody other than himself for a change.

You must feel totally repulsed by his groping after that and I don't blame you! Please don't feel like you have to put up with ANY of it.

because he's not just like a doll - he's a little person with wants and needs. DH said "he's not though, is he"

Yes, he is! OP, that's really bad. It's not about 'getting babies'. It's about acting like an adult when there's a dependant to be cared for. It's about caring, full stop.

You are right when you say you're existing in the same house. It's hard to know what he's really doing there. You seem to be a kind of bolt on to his life, which as you say, is largely unchanged.

Sounds like my ex! Token nappy changing, token bathingnif other people were witnesses, as far as he was concerned days off were for staying in bed till noon then getting himself and only himself some lunch, watching TV/gaming dinner, more TV, bed, grope!

Ex is about to have baby no 5! NOT with me and I've learned through the grapevine that while he (and she) would like me to think he's changed, he hasn't!

He won't change I don't think. You could try telling him specifics of what you expect but I suspect like a pp and myself you'll find he changes for a period of time then slips back to old habits.

Just wanted to add to what I wrote above that I don't think it's a 'man' thing. I know several wonderful, dedicated and totally involved fathers who wanted to know as soon as their children were born.
My middle dd is at nursery and her teacher is male. He is fantastic and all the kids love him to bits. My brother is also fantastic with his kids as are many of my friends. (Yes I do secretly feel jealous sometimes! Shih!)

Forgot to say good luck freckles! Do the kids know? How do they feel about it?

I don't know if I'm making it sound worse than it is... Like I said, he's not a bad man. I've always had depression and anxiety and often I never know if it's him in the wrong or if it's my brain twisting things. There's never any time to talk things over because he works long hours and the baby!

Gah. Might look into marriage guidance. I don't think it want us to be over forever. We've been happy in the past.

It's tough on relationships when you have a baby yes, but only because you have less time for each other, the baby becomes number 1.

If I would you I would try talking again but write it all down so he can actually think it through. Tell him you are a family, you aren't their to facilitate his hobbies. Tell him if he doesn't try more he is leaving you with no alternative but to leave. You need to be black and white, make him see the severity of his actions

Sounds like my ex op. Completely self centred and unwilling to make any changes to his life when DD was born. It was an awful time, I felt so abandoned and literally left holding the baby while he went out a couple of nights a week, had massive lie ins on his days off etc and generally was only "hands on" when anybody else was watching.
We split up when she was 1yo. The joke: he left me because apparently my constant nagging, the fact that I had stopped taking care of myself and didn't want to have sex with him was just too much to endure. Poor love. A couple of weeks later he was officially/together with one of the women he worked with
Please don't put up with it. For the past 14 years I have been with a lovely man who told me this morning to stay in bed while he got the DCs ready for school, brought me a cup of tea before dropping them off (it's my day off) and will finish work early so he can pick them up from school too, so I can just relax today. There are some wonderful men out there, you deserve better! Good luck op

My oh was great with our son when he was newborn as I was recovering. He would do anything that needed doing (except feeding as I ebf). Then he was shit! Didn't change a nappy or bath him or put him to bed for months. Thought he shouldn't have to do a thing on his days off or when he had finished work. I'd pleaded with him but nothing. I even had to have my son in the bouncer with me when I was in the shower.
I eventually snapped and went to stay with my mum for some support. Since then he's a lot better and does things without being asked. It just took a wake up call. I hope you get it sorted

I recognise that description OP. DP was similar except he was coding obsessed not gaming obsesses. I recognise that seething resentment - I remember thinking my whole life was upside down and he hadn fucking blinked.

We're now very different as DP is sah so I can work, I do 4days and he gets evenings/ weekends for his wah job. We now have 2, the youngest is 2.3. He's now an equal partner in house/ childcare.

What changed it for me was handing over the DC for the day. He hadn't looked after our pfb for more than two consecutive hours until he was 18mo and I had an interview away from home so was out for whole day. It was a nightmare for him, he was basically weeping by time I got home

Then he gradually took on more because of me beingcat work etc, which was why we were able to resume shagging (and promptly got upduffed with no2.)

When no. 2 came, he was hands on consistently from start - he ha her in the sling for hours everyday. It was him pushing for her to go out with him and DS tho ebf he was taking her out for the say by 9 Mo (he took food and she would just make up the milk when they got back)

It wasn't all plain sailing - I had to learn to step back and not give instructions, he had to learn the hard way that you need to have snacks and a full change of clothes on you at all times. And it took quite a while for me to let go of my nget about how he'd treated the whole thing as opt in. But I did and he did and we're stronger than ever as a couple.

So it can change. But he needs, IMO, to take RESPONSIBILITY for the baby (rather than just 'look after' him while you.... This means not doing his thinking ahead for him by packing nappies etc. So it's a bit of a steep learning curve and your DS will have a few days of being in a nappy longer than you'd like/ crashing with hunger. Your DP needs to experience the fallout of lack of preparation. It's tough on everyone but you will survive and if your DP is reasonable, intelligent and respectful of you, he'll take it upon himself and step up.

because he's not just like a doll - he's a little person with wants and needs. DH said "he's not though, is he"

That is very frightening, and very revealing of the fact that your H thinks that only his own needs matter, everyone else is just a functional thing.

Your son's needs don't matter: Your H thinks he can safely be ignored.
Your needs don't matter: In your H's view, you can just get on with raising the child and leave him out of it.

I suspect that he doesn't "get" parenthood because he is self-centred and entitled. Personality transplants are very hard to come by, so your choices are pretty limited. Give him a shock, such as leaving him with sole care of DS for a day or a week and see if he steps up. You can't talk him into being a more caring and responsible person, though: it's a choice he has to come to on his own. If he ever does.

He doesn't understand that other people have needs outside of his own. I would normally suggest leaving someone like this for an hour with baby so they can begin to understand, but In this case I think that's a horrible idea. The fact that baby is BF is just a convenient excuse for him to do even less.

As I said before, write it all down in a letter and go out for day without him, hopefully that gives him thinking time. Perhaps slyly feed the Xbox with orange juice just before you go so he can't play his games!

I think that baby would be possibly not be very well looked if left with DH. It is very worrying that he thinks that a baby is not really a person with needs. Has he no empathy?

Sadly I agree with the majority of pp's that he is unlikely to change. Consider your options.

Children can sometimes highlight issues in a relationship that have be ignored or minimised. Was he always this self centered?

Threads like this make me so grateful for my DH... He does everything i do and more. You don't have to put up with this.

You should have equal "leisure" time and at the moment it sounds like he has LOADS less.

OP, im sorry to be honest here but as a guy i can tell you he wont change. Im far from being the perfect dad myself, however since the day my kids came into the world i have took on half the workload. My wife goes out 4 nights out of 7 to various fitness/gym/social events. I do dressing in the morning, bath/bedtime and take them to various things. The key is i want to do it.
My brother in law on the other hand is utterly useless, despite

a number of showdown talks with his wife, he cant change because ultimately he doesnt want to. The guy wont even make a cup of tea.
Remind your partner that any waste of space can be a father, but it takes somebody special to be a dad.

He's not negligent! I have left him with minipopz on a few occasions and they get along just fine. He is usually reduced to a nervous breakdown - as a pp said and will usually say "I don't know how you do it!"

I'm a bit of a control freak so I do find it pretty hard to unclench and let him figure things out for himself... I don't necessarily trust him to do things my way and I worry about DS being upset.

He has always been selfish. But similarly, I've always had a victim complex in combination with being a stroppy cow... We do seem to have been having the same argument/ conversation for the entirety of our marriage, and I don't really want that to be my future.

Thanks for your honesty dad ... 4 nights out a week! That is definitely some perspective.

He does want to he a father, I know he does. It's just the practicalities he doesn't seem to get. And the effect it has on me. Rather than DS. (Although ultimately I suppose they become one and the same).

How much time do you spend on your hobbies dad out of interest? AIBU to tell him he has to give something up?