How long should it take to "get" the whole fatherhood thing!?

[RPopz]

I'm really fucking tired of being the "default parent" all the time and I feel like it's breaking my marriage.

DS is 9mo - first and only child. I don't doubt for a second that DH loves him and he isn't a horrible father... But he just doesn't seem to get that life doesn't revolve around him and what he wants anymore! His life is basically unchanged apart from cuddling and bathing a baby for an hour after work each night. He'll dress him and do token nappy changes on his days off. Everything else I have to tell/ ask him to do. He has an unending list of hobbies and interests which he hasn't let slip at all since DS was born, basically spends all his evenings doing these, or on his phone messaging his mates. He goes out at least once a week - but I have to ask him to "babysit" if I want to go anywhere or do anything. He's on his phone CONSTANTLY (I'm not even joking, he even takes it in the shower with him). He hardly bothers to make conversation with me. Doesn't seem to get that his days off work are my days "off" from looking after the baby, and expects to spend the day catching up on tv/ Xbox. Happy to just dump DS in a playpen or whatever and ignore him. Never organises things for us to do as a family - it's always down to me to think of and organise. He does little round the house without being nagged. Its just his hobbies hobbies HOBBIES all the time. I feel like they're more important to him than I (we) are. Spends most of his money on them too...

I'm not the perfect wife. Not by any stretch. But I just can't stand him anymore. Just got this constant low level irritation towards him all the time. Can't stand him touching me (can't be arsed to pay attention to me - why should he get to grope me!?). Constantly shrugging him off - which granted probably doesn't make him feel like being more attentive towards me... We're basically just existing in the same house. From my pov anyway.

Just don't know what to do really. Talked to him about it a couple of times. Things usually improve for a day or so and then go back to normal. Kind of want him to leave.

Help?

OP you seem to have started to blame yourself now and excuse him because people have called him out on his behaviour. When he said 'I dont know how you do it' you should have pointed out that it would be much easier if he stopped gaming and chatting to his mates for 5 minutes. What are his mates doing that they can afford to talk to him all day? Do they not have their own lives, or are they all single/ child free?

Sell his console or get him to o it as your expectation for staying with him.
Children play with toys and your baby will be the one needing these.
You have one baby tell him he's a grown up now.
did he do this prior to having children?
I don't think you can change something so inherent tbh. He sounds very immature and selfish.

He does want to he a father, I know he does. It's just the practicalities he doesn't seem to get.

But does he understand what being a father is? It sounds like he thinks a baby is something you have, rather than him becoming a parent.

Like the baby is something you collect on your journey through life, along with a nice house and a car.

I would seriously consider asking him to go to Relate. You cannot continue like this. He is being utterly self-centered and unfair.

My dh really struggled.

He has been selfish and it's been tough dealing with him not finding fatherhood easy and me feeling like sole carer as well as returning to work full time and not having time with each other.
We have been pushed to the brink but are finally emerging on the other side.
Dd is now 21 months and dh is so so involved. It's like he is a new person.
Looking back he has always been a bit lazy (his mum made him that way and I let him carry on) so I should've piped up sooner and not tolerated it. I expect if I had done things would have got better a long time ago (but I am a sucker for taking charge, controlling and wanting to be the boss so took it all on myself)

I think some men get into it straight away and others don't. Dh is not a baby person (even though he loved her) Now she talks and interacts more he gets the joy and even wants to do it all over again!

Most of the mums I know have found the same and the dads are all of a sudden coming into their own and it's wonderful to watch.

I think marriage satisfaction may decrease in correlation with the hours their other half spends gaming whilst they are dealing with house and child responsibilities. Maybe his parenting will increase or improve if his Xbox or whatever accidentally broke or a vital part of it got lost permanently

"He does want to he a father, I know he does".

Well you would like to think that of him but evidence in front of you suggests otherwise.

Did his own mother do practically everything for him when he was living at home?. Selfish and entitled men like he do not change.

I would normally be an advocate of leaving on Friday night and coming back Sunday afternoon, having expressed some milk first. But I would be seriously worried about his care of this child and couldn't advise this. I think he would neglect the baby.

Do you have a parent or parent in law you can go and stay with? In your situation I would have rung my mum and gone to stay with her for a month. No big announcements, no big arguments, just tell him you need a rest and head off; think it through and regroup/rest. But then my mum ADORES babies and wasn't working when ds was born so that would have made it easy for me.

I think the first year or two can be very tough on a marriage. Only you can know whether it will improve, and whether it is worth sticking with your relationship to see if it does.

Someone mentioned empathy earlier in the thread. This resonates with me! My DH doesn't have very much empathy; never has, and probably never will. He does care, but is very independent and genuinely doesn't understand people needing emotional support. I found the early years with our first very very tough, because he didn't understand what I was going through, and pretty much ignored the baby if I left him to it. He just didn't get that babies need smiles, cuddles, engagement as well as food and nappies!

He is much much much better with older children. It still isn't a natural 'ease' with parenting, but he wants to be a good dad and can listen to what the children are saying to him! For us it improved immeasurably once he could take a verbal child to the park/shop/walk; and I relaxed a bit too, because I knew the children would tell him they were hot/cold/hungry/hurt rather than him needing to just realise.

I felt like you describe in the early years, but I'm glad I stuck it out. Things are much much better now, an we've even had more children! I knew what to expect with the subsequent children though, so I felt less abandoned.

That said, the things that my DH fills his time with instead of parenting/supporting me are things that will benefit me/the family as well as DH. He is productive and working hard, in and outside of his career, towards our future. I couldn't and wouldn't tolerate the imbalance in responsibility if his efforts were going on something with no benefit to the family like computer games and socialising.

Sorry have realised that I haven't made it clear I would have gone to my mum with the baby!

Rpopz, i get an hour on tuesday and thursday nights, but these are after 8 o'clock once our oldest is in bed. I had to change this to fit around having kids, not the other way around. Like i said, i have faults like every parent, but the one thing i do try deliver is that everyone gets the time they need.

Rpopz,

Why is it, do you think, that your DH does not see (or chooses not to see) how hard he is making your life?

As another dad of two I would heartily concur with what Dadof2wo said.

sorry to say but its doubtful he'll improve.
they never do, do they?
he just doesn't sound interested.

i reckon you'll be running the show and doing the grunt work until your children are adults.
personally - i would ask him to move out. you're doing it all on your own anyways so it won't be any great change in terms of the donkey work.

did he want a child in the first place (although its a bit late to be asking that now, i guess)?

There was an article about this in last months Red written by an anonymous writer. It was about an amicable divorce.

She and her DH went to see a counsellor and all he had to agree to do was two bathtimes a week and one full day each weekend.

So still reinforcing the fact that its womens work. And this seems very ingrained even with those in the counselling profession.

Goodness, this sounds like my ex and I was told at the time he was a brilliant dad by all my friends, knew where the towels were kept (he was very proud of this). They were in awe of him!

Forgot to add, a couple of my circle of friends then, who were doctors, on call, full time, registrars, couldn't leave their husbands (doctor's too) alone with their children and got a nanny in at the weekend, 'because the children wouldn't have been fed'. WTF?

Atilla - his parents divorced and he's lived independently since he was 17. I don't know if she would have been the kind of person to do everything for him. I suspect not. He can do things. Just slowly. And at the bottom of a list of priorities.

Muck - yes DS was a planned/ wanted baby - by both parties.

I think he should have 'got it' by now to be honest.

I've had male friends not 'get' babies particularly and become far more interested when DC start doing 'stuff' but they were all very involved parents who just weren't sure what was so fascinating about tiny babies!.

They all loved their DC but really 'fell in love' when they saw a little personality emerging rather than a little human being that just slept/cried/fed/pooed. Hormones are intended to form that early bond between Mother and Child - I think a lot of men feel an initial bond but it increases over time.

But all my male friends stopped going out regularly, dropped hobbies. I've had male colleagues have to be sent home and told to get signed off sick because they're doing their 'fair share' of night wakings (sometimes more than an equal share because their DP has other health issues ) with rarely sleeping babies and they're falling asleep at their desks.

You need to talk to your DP.

Ha laughing - last time DH was ill he dragged himself into work because he "couldn't let them down", got sent home early and took straight to his bed. Same thing again the next day. So essentially I had to look after DS for 36 hours straight with no break.

I guess I'm defending him because it all sounds so petty to write down. I struggle to know if I'm being unreasonable and silly for aforementioned mental health reasons. He doesn't go out drinking, doing drugs or knock me about. He's generally a pleasant guy who just really REALLY likes wargaming... . He can be selfish and lazy, but I knew that when I married him. He can be so laid back sometimes he's practically horizontal - but that's my pay off for being a total control freak and getting to have final say on pretty much everything. I don't know why he doesn't care about how difficult he's making my life. Maybe he's not in love with me anymore... I've taken a pretty intense, attachment style approach to parenting. Our relationship has taken a hit as a result. I didn't expect to love my son so much.

I don't know what I'm trying to say really. Feeling incredibly anxious at the prospect of essentially putting up and shutting up or losing my marriage. Talking to him doesn't have a high success rate. Maybe I've made a big mistake.

"He dosnt go out drinking do drugs or knock me about"

Jesus wept all that should be a given.

Watch the film Made In Dagenham There is a brilliant scene in that film which sums this up.

OP Here is THAT very scene.

He sounds incredibly selfish. Does he realise how much free time he has compared to you? If you spell it out to him, how does he react?

It's fine not to love the baby stage, I hated it, but you look after a baby because they need looking after. And you share the parenting load because that's what nice people do when they care about each other.

Your free time should be just as much as a right as his free time.

You have a baby and both should compromise on that free time. And both should be able to work it out how much time a baby takes up.

Both of you should write down a diary of how much time you spend with the baby and then compare.

I know Helena - obviously that's the very minimum I'd expect from a life partner I just meant... You know... Some people have big problems such as those and I feel a bit silly almost to whine about my OH for playing with his XBox too much. Its not an excuse though, I know.