6 year old refusing to go with dad, where do I stand.

[Icandoanything]

Ex and I had an acrimonious split last June and contact with the father was only formalised through mediation in Sept this year due to him inability to actually respond to my emails for regular contact.

My son sees his dad Mon 5.30 - 7.00, Weds 3.06 - 6.00 and Sun 11.30 - 6. He picks him up from childminder and school on Mon and Weds and from my house on Sun. My son was reluctant to go at the start and got very distressed on the first visit, so I said I wasn't going to physically force him. Since then he's generally been fine, but today he did refuse to go and got very distressed again, I took him out of the house by hand and tried to get him to go, but he ran back in. I tried talking to him, asking him why he didn't want to go etc (apparently because he makes him play sports for too long and he gets tired), saying he always had a good time with dad but he was crying and saying he didn't want to go. And again, short of me picking him up and physically making him go with ex, there literally wasn't anything else I could do.

Ex doesn't believe in compromise and in his words, he's a child, he doesn't get to decide. He refused to come and speak to him in the house, told him he had to come, basically didn't speak to him but told him. When I said, I wasn't going to physically make him, he walked off.

Son has said he will go with him on Mon and Weds, but I'm wondering what the legal implications of this situation could be. I did my best to try, but know my ex will claim that I should have physically (sorry, that word again!) forced him. My ex is a pretty nasty piece of work and I can see him cataloguing things like this, and the fact that he had to wait 10 mins (we were late as had been to my mums burying a family pet) as evidence against me and trying to prove I'm restricting his rights, as he has claimed in the past.

Can he claim I am restricting access by not making my son go with him when he is crying and clearly saying he doesn't want to go? I always make sure son is available the times and days we have arranged, but what happens when son really doesn't want to go? I would love to be able to talk to my ex about this and try and solve the situation by compromise but unfortunately, there is no compromise in his world.

Any advice welcome

Hi OP. My own DS and I had the same situation when he was that age.
XP would literally drag DS crying from the school gate and push him into his car.
I was scared of XP (EA and DV) and I am ashamed to say that I let it go on for too long.

In the end I started to stick up for DS. XP told me and anyone that would listen that I was stopping him from seeing his son. DS would still go from time to time but the routine wasn't kept to if DS was distressed about going. I considered that DS's needs were the most important and I did eventually manage to protect him from his overbearing bully of a father (whilst keeping those kind of thoughts to myself).

By the time DS reached his early teens he stopped all contact with his dad and oddly enough, XP lost interest in his son.

I don't know about practical advice but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. I believe that I did the right thing in not forcing contact, but at the time I was terrified of being taken to court.

no ive avoided that at the moment im aware of how it should work im also aware my social worker would back the children not my ex husband and the judge would have to listen to that

my ex husband is unfair he gets me to collect the children from school walk a long way home the he sends his stepdad to collect the children (he is only allowed supervised contact at the moment) he drives up late by that time my six year old is cranky tired and occasionally refuses to go ive just got it so they are collected from school and he spent the whole visit (three hours) grilling him about why he failed to go there the week before and trying to get him to blame me for it all he also refuses to remind him to wear his glasses and gives him electricals to use constantly and it gives him a headache the last one was two fucking days plus other stuff he is doing ive stopped contact to speak to the social worker as to how i can clarify his toxic behaviour and stop him upsetting my son he literally came home and ranted at me the other day threw money in my face the works he is six years old and i just want to protect him

Could you not have pick up from a neutral location? Mine go from after school club which avoids issues (and me having to have contact) mine didn't want to go when I was present and would cling to me but are fine when elsewhere. Little people can be torn by loyalty and I've found it the best solution.

CuttedUpPear

That's really comforting for me to hear, my ex was also EA and assaulted myself and son so I refuse to let him bully us now.

I feel I am where you were back then, terrified of being taken to court! Do you have any idea why your ex didn't or get any legal advice on what to do when son was refusing to go?

Son goes twice a week from childminders and afterschool club, which does help, however on a Sunday, he has to collect from me. My family live 45 min drive away and as much as my sister would agree to come over and facilitate handover, I'm loathe to ask her, why should I when I'm perfectly willing to compromise and encourages my son to go, but my ex is the difficult one, it's already effecting my life, why should my sister get dragged into it. He has no family living nearby either.

Ime court asked the child what they wanted then ignored it and done something completely different so would say children don't get a say or listened to at 6yrs old. They do what they are told.

Provided it's not court ordered you are fine and so long as you're not discouraging contact (which your not) you are fine.

Hopefully contact will mostly carry on as agreed at mediation and if your ex takes you to court over it he will look like the controlling abusive arse he is and very petty when you can explain why on those occasions DS was not willing to go and that ExH did not attempt to be supportive of your DS needs.

Just keep everything in writing. So Ex refused to come and speak to your DS to try and encourage him to come.

Once there is a court order sadly it does become a different kettle of fish I'm afraid but cross that bridge if it comes to it.

Found this on the childrens legal centre website, interesting as my ex didn't listen to his child at all today, just told him he had no choice

What should I do if my child refuses contact?
A parent should not react by simply stopping contact. They should try and find out why the child does not want contact
anymore. It may be that the timing of contact does not suit the child, or there is a worry about the way the child spends
time with the non-resident parent. It may also be a reflection of the resident parent's concerns. A child will often say
what they think the parent will want to hear. Children's wishes and feelings are very important and should be taken into
account in light of their age and understanding. However, generally their wishes and feelings will not ultimately determine
what happens. In most cases the courts view contact as being in the best interests of the child, and see both parents
involvement as a benefit to the child's welfare, and will only refuse to make an order in exceptional circumstances

This is the reality of what happens if it goes to court though

"However, generally their wishes and feelings will not ultimately determine
what happens. In most cases the courts view contact as being in the best interests of the child"

TBH what a young child says is often over ridden unfortunately.

I understand, mine dropped to eow so I avoid the home contact unless it's the holidays. Obviously every Sunday you can't ask your sister to come over and it may not work anyway if he'd rather be at home (I did grandparent drop off and that was as traumatic). I hope you find a solution that works for you. I have a six year old too and was in an ea so I get your concerns. I also realise my children are truly torn and hate the idea of me being in my own (which I'm fine with and they know that) and feel they are somehow abandoning me. As my as my ex is an excuse for a man he's no threat to them and so I facilitate as best I can.

Thanks posters. I'm well aware that if I do get taken to court, I will probably be told to force him to go, which is what I'm trying to avoid. As that will really mess my son up and cause trust issues. I'm trying to chalk this down as a one off and just make sure that every Sunday, son has a few hours at home before he goes to dad.

I think ex just doesn't understand son, which is very sad. DS likes routine and time in his house before going places, instead of rushing here and there. And ex just won't bow down to that. The irony is that DS does not respond to being "told"what to do because you are a child, he needs to be spoken calmly to, and his dad is exactly the same! Shame he can't see the parallels as he may be more sympathetic.

Ican I think it ultimately came down to the fact that XP was deeply suspicious of the legal system (he had been in prison as a youth) and maybe he realised that he was being unreasonable...maybe.
So although he threatened me with taking me to court he never did it. I lost a lot of sleep over it though.

What I always tried to do was offer an alternative. DS didn't want to stay overnight at his dad's but would have happily gone there for tea after school. I tried to suggest this kind of arrangement often but XP's attitude was that either DS went with him at the allotted time (EO weekend and Wednesday night) or he (XP) wouldn't see DS at all. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

I'm full of admiration for parents who manage to stand their ground in these situations, it took a lot of courage for me to do it. And it's a hard thing to explain to acquaintances and even friends. If they haven't been there themselves then there is a chance you will be judged for it.

It sounds like your ex and my ex are cut from the same lovely cloth, what fab human beings!

My ex has also been in trouble with the police in the past and is quite suspicious of the police, and whilst family and friends have all assured me he won't (as he'd have to put his hand in his pocket himself, or get off his arse to claim legal aid) there's still that worry, and I'm thinking, oh my god, do I have 6 years of this worry left? Until he's old enough to have his wished taken into consideration, if it does get taken to court.

Not a nice way to live, thanks for sharing though, it helps to hear from someone who's been through it.

And yes, you're right about the judging. My very best friend pretty much told me today, I should have physically made him go, and whilst I appreciate her honesty, it's hard to swallow. But then, I suppose I could counter that she'd never walked in my shoes.

I honestly think it's (usually) in a child's best interest to have a relationship with both parents. An acrimonious split is irrelevant to the child and just because one deems a former partner's behaviour as unreasonable, doesn't mean that it actually is.

A child (at 6) doesn't understand the implications of not seeing their NRP. Whilst a few days or a week is not a long time for an adult, it can seem an eternity for a child and lengthy time inbetween access will cause issues. It will be the start of a vicious circle where lack of familiarity with the NRP will lead to the child becoming more anxious about access.

The child then grows up without one of their parents and will suffer for it and may create long term issues.

CAFCASS act as advocates for the child and make decisions based on the child's best interests, not the interests of either parent.

RPs need to encourage their child's relationship with the NRP and personal feelings should be put aside.

I think what you need to do is make your day sound boring. "Mummy's doing all the boring jobs today (ironing, shopping etc) so you are going to have a fun day with Daddy and then I'll have time to play with you when you come back."
How does he react when he is picked up on the other days when you aren't there?

I personally had a positive experience at court, we used a contact centre for a while which worked well for building a bond etc. but it does take a while to get into the swing of things, especially with them being tired by being at school all day.

We are very matter of fact about contact here now my DD is also 6. When I ask her if she wants to drop any after school activities as she's tired, she always says Daddy's house. But comes back happy enough.

As I read this post it is a one off.. It is not court ordered so no real issue in the legalities.

You are aware of things you can do to make it easier. So I advise you follow those ideas.

I agree a child of 6 does not understand the consequences of their actions. My DS tells me I am the worst parent in the world when he is upset with me ( usually I have put my foot down) ..As a parent I know this is not personal he is just letting off steam. Unfortunately not all parents see this the same way..

Your Ex should of come and talk to your ds .. however from what you have said he is hardly likely to defuse the situation