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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sulking and silent treatment

86 replies

ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 14:20

Hi everyone,

I am looking for a little advice on how to cope with the above. I am 33 and my DP of 2 years is 28.

Whenever we argue (no matter how minor), DP tends to strop and sulk by giving me the silent treatment. So far DP hasn't spoken to me since Sunday evening because I forgot to take the bins out.

I find that all of our arguments tend to revolve around things I have or haven't done, all the good things I do are outweighed by the things I don't do.

How do you cope with someone who is giving you the silent treatment? We live together and teh only thing she said to me yesterday was "Does this Lamb taste ok to you?". She then had a 2 hour bath and went to bed where she continued to rpetend I wasn't there.

If she does start talking to me this evening I would like to highlight how childish I find her behaviour but at the same time don't want to cause another row. Don't get me wrong, we rarely argue but when we do it is about the same things - money, chores that kind of thing.

If she still isn't talking to me this evening then quite frankly, I want to leave. I refuse to be ignored in my own home over something so fucking trivial.

Any input?

Oh and please don't tell me that we may as well break up, that would be a decision I would make on myself, not on the advice of strangers :)

Another thing, she was ill with a chest infection a few weeks ago, I took care of her, cooking, fetching medicine - you know, the stuff a loving partner does.

She became better and I then suffered with the infection. I had no sympathy, was told she would not go out and get me toilet paper (she later said she was joking), On the 4th day I started to feel a lot better - still nto with it though. So I had a couple of cans in the house whilst watching the Wales vs England game. I had left a plate in the sink that had my pizza on and she said that if I was well enough to have a drink, I was well enough to clean up. I understand this but I get the impression she was pissed off about me having a go at her for not being sympathetic towards me being ill and used it as an excuse.

I dont know if my post makes much sense and apologise for the length

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 29/09/2015 14:29

Yes OP, your post makes perfect sense. My mother pretty much wrote the book on the silent treatment so I have tons of sympathy for you. It's hurtful and corrosive and abusive. It's very hard to deal with because it denies you any right of reply - if you have a big argument, then you both get to have your say and be heard. But there's something particularly upsetting about being ignored, and not knowing how long it will go on for. It's emotionally abusive behaviour. It's designed to punish and scare you, almost like you're a child rather than an adult.

It's very encouraging to hear you say that you are not prepared to put up with this indefinitely, and you're not prepared to go on being ignored in your own home because of petty stuff. You're quite right to feel this way. You quite rightly say that you will make your own decisions about the future of your relationship. My opinion is that your partner's behaviour is not ok, not 'normal' and not something that you have to put up with. She sounds cold, critical and judgemental. It's so horrible living in this sort of atmosphere.

You say you rarely argue - arguing, in a civil and respectful way, is a normal healthy part of relationships. You are two different people making a life together - of course there will be moments of conflict, how could there not be?! It sounds like she deals with conflict by shutting down and punishing you. Have you confronted her about the silent treatment before now? How did she respond if you did?

TheStoic · 29/09/2015 14:36

From that snapshot, it doesn't sound like she likes you very much, let alone loves you.

How does she normally show you that she loves you?

Original poster
ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 14:37

Thanks for the great reply, Lotta

I have confronted her about it before, at the very early stages of the relationship.

She said she just needs space sometimes and gets over things quicker if she is left to it.

Meanwhile though, I am a ball of anxiety wondering whether we will make up or if she will just tell me to get lost.

At this moment in time I feel completely detached from her, like we have broken up and that's sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 14:39

thestoic I am not entirely sure she likes me either to be honest!

She doesn't really do much to show me she loves me, I am trying to think but I can't think of anything. Oh, she made me breakfast in bed the other morning.

She buys the little things I like, small things like my favourite cheese or crisps.

Things started off so great.

I wonder if I was a rebound. She broke up with her ex in October 2012 - she found out she was having an EA and went beserk, then we met in the May 2013...

OP posts:
CarmenMonoxide · 29/09/2015 14:46

Today is Tuesday and she hasn't spoken to you since Sunday.
Yet she claims she will get over things quicker if left to it? Doesn't sound like it.
Two days of sulking over taking the bins out.
This is not normal, not right and will only get worse.

brokenhearted55a · 29/09/2015 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ouryve · 29/09/2015 14:53

She said she just needs space sometimes and gets over things quicker if she is left to it.

WTF is there in an argument about putting bins out that takes 2 whole days to get over?

Busying yourself for an hour so you can cool off and not say anything stupid when you're feeling irritated - fine, healthy and normal.
Doing that for 2 days - over the bins - melodramatic to the nth degree. Or is there more to it than that? Something unresolved eg over the division of duties, her being very tidy and you taking a more relaxed approach?

Lottapianos · 29/09/2015 14:53

Full disclosure OP - I have behaved like your partner in my own relationship. The only kind of conflict resolution I saw in my own parents' relationship was sulking / silent treatment until one person gave in. It used to go on for months some times.

I have been guilty of withdrawing from my partner when I'm angry at him and he has said the same as you - that he feels full of anxiety wondering what he's done, how angry I am, how long it will go on for etc. I was horrified when he told me this but I'm so glad he did. It's just not right for anyone to have to live in fear of their partner's response. I see a therapist and I'm working through my own (considerable) stuff and its getting easier to talk to him rather than withdraw.

So I guess what I'm saying is that she can change, but it can only come from her. I find it really sad that you struggle to think of ways that she shows you she loves you Sad What's the balance of good times versus crap times in your relationship? Do you get more happiness than grief from it?

NewLife4Me · 29/09/2015 14:54

I couldn't put up with a sulker I'm afraid.
Tell her to speak and if she doesn't tell her you're finished, it usually gets them away from behaviour you can't tolerate.

RoganJosh · 29/09/2015 14:56

Are the bins part of a bigger problem? Does she feel like you don't do any house stuff at all and this is the final straw?
This is the only way I can see that this amount of fuss over bins could be expected.

RandomMess · 29/09/2015 15:01

My dh used to do this, I called him on it, didn't pander to it at all and basically told him to grow up. I on the other end had to get better at apologising and trying my hardest not to be critical.

So early on a relationship is the time to either have it out and learn new patterns of behaving towards each other, live with it forever or go your separate ways.

JeffsanArsehole · 29/09/2015 15:02

It does depend how 'big' the bin argument was. If dh and I have an almighty row then we both need time to recover, me more than him. I'm not stonewalling or sulking though, I'm actually upset and I need to wait for my feelings to subside.

So if bingate went on for hours and included sideways diversions into 'I fucking hate you sometimes' and 'by the way your mothers a bitch' alley then she may have a bit to get over.

Original poster
ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 15:03

We have had arguments in the past about chores. She is a lot tidier than me. Don't get me wrong, I don't leave a trail of mess, I pick up after myself etc.

I can tidy a room and think, wow I have done a good job, whereas she can walk into it and struggle to see whats been done. I guess we both have different standards. Cleaning is something that gets her goat, she likes to have a clean house.

I do clean up after myself but I think she wants more which is fine. We had a conversation ont he weekend about taking it in turns week by week starting from Monday (this is her week)

OP posts:
BabyGanoush · 29/09/2015 15:04

It is not normal behaviour! It's nasty and controlling.

I would never live with someone like that

Original poster
ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 15:13

Oh she has just text me to ask me to sign up for Sky at new house.

Wow

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 29/09/2015 15:21

So she hasn't communicated with you for two days and the first communication is telling you to do something? That's... pretty crap.

Are you about to move house together? Is that causing extra stress? TBh I'd be worried about signing a new contract with someone who behaved like this on a regular basis.

Joysmum · 29/09/2015 15:22

I'm someone that likes my space after being let down/disappointed/a row, but there's a huge difference between needing space to process and let the heat die down and somebody who does it as punishment/game playing.

I'm afraid she sounds like the latter.

Original poster
ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 15:30

We have been living together in a flat for a year and are moving into a house together any time now. Just renting.

She is usually reasonable and a nice person, isn't she? I am doubting now.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 29/09/2015 15:35

What good things do you get out of the relationship OP? How does your relationship with her enhance your life?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 29/09/2015 15:37

blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2014/11/the-silent-treatment-and-what-you-can-do-to-stop-it-cold/

This might be helpful but I would be seriously thinking about ending it.

RandomMess · 29/09/2015 15:38

I suppose what I'm trying to say it's a dynamic she is in the habit of.

You need to discuss it properly when you are both calm.

Different standards of tidiness and cleanliness needs to be discussed and a solution worked out.

TBH I think most couples argue in the early years, and it's not all a bad thing - however you need to resolve the issues that create the arguments.

Are her standards unreasonably high, or are you a wannabe slob when it comes to cleaning?

Scobberlotcher · 29/09/2015 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rachel0Greep · 29/09/2015 15:44

Slightly different context, but your post reminded me of the first flatmate I had. She would get into a sulk about something, and go completely silent, for days. The original 'reason' would be nothing to do with me, and I would have no idea why she was doing it, seeing as she wouldn't speak. She would crash and bang things around, both in the flat, and at work, and I used to end up trying to avoid being in the flat with her, until it passed.
I called her on it, after it happened a few times, even though I was very young, and she was longer in the flat, and older than me.
She had come back out of her sulk, and said ' oh but I'm speaking to you now...', when I wasn't exactly jumping with joy, at the thought.
I said, 'you cannot treat people like that, and expect them to put up with it'. She didn't do it again. I don't know, as others have said, if it was a learned behaviour, from childhood, that she had discovered got her, her own way, or if it was how her family dealt with conflict.
I'm rambling a bit here, and am aware it is a different scenario, since we were only flatmates. I do think it's a dreadful way to treat anyone. I understand someone needing time to calm down, or whatever, but lengthy silences and sulking are a completely different thing, IMO.

Lottapianos · 29/09/2015 15:52

'I don't know, as others have said, if it was a learned behaviour, from childhood, that she had discovered got her, her own way, or if it was how her family dealt with conflict.'

Probably all of the above! It's a way of expressing anger, rage even, where you still get to keep control and you don't have to risk being rejected.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/09/2015 15:54

Stonewalling - Fucking hate it.
Horrible, nasty, manipulative behaviour. Not a nice trait in anyone!
My ExH tried it early on in our relationship.
I packed my bags and left.
He had no idea that as ADULTS we could actually air our views and discuss things and come to a compromise.
He got it from his mother.
He did it one other time with the same outcome and then never did it again.
I don't think you'll find many people on here advising you to stay in an abusive relationship.
She is being abusive, it's that simple.
She needs to tackle it and solve it for herself or you have to decide if you put up with abuse or you leave. Only you can decide on that.
In the meantime I would NOT be moving with a person that treated me with such disrespect.