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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sulking and silent treatment

86 replies

ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 14:20

Hi everyone,

I am looking for a little advice on how to cope with the above. I am 33 and my DP of 2 years is 28.

Whenever we argue (no matter how minor), DP tends to strop and sulk by giving me the silent treatment. So far DP hasn't spoken to me since Sunday evening because I forgot to take the bins out.

I find that all of our arguments tend to revolve around things I have or haven't done, all the good things I do are outweighed by the things I don't do.

How do you cope with someone who is giving you the silent treatment? We live together and teh only thing she said to me yesterday was "Does this Lamb taste ok to you?". She then had a 2 hour bath and went to bed where she continued to rpetend I wasn't there.

If she does start talking to me this evening I would like to highlight how childish I find her behaviour but at the same time don't want to cause another row. Don't get me wrong, we rarely argue but when we do it is about the same things - money, chores that kind of thing.

If she still isn't talking to me this evening then quite frankly, I want to leave. I refuse to be ignored in my own home over something so fucking trivial.

Any input?

Oh and please don't tell me that we may as well break up, that would be a decision I would make on myself, not on the advice of strangers :)

Another thing, she was ill with a chest infection a few weeks ago, I took care of her, cooking, fetching medicine - you know, the stuff a loving partner does.

She became better and I then suffered with the infection. I had no sympathy, was told she would not go out and get me toilet paper (she later said she was joking), On the 4th day I started to feel a lot better - still nto with it though. So I had a couple of cans in the house whilst watching the Wales vs England game. I had left a plate in the sink that had my pizza on and she said that if I was well enough to have a drink, I was well enough to clean up. I understand this but I get the impression she was pissed off about me having a go at her for not being sympathetic towards me being ill and used it as an excuse.

I dont know if my post makes much sense and apologise for the length

OP posts:
Original poster
ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 17:20

If she is scared she has pushed me then why isn't she messaging me? Maybe she wants me to put it in my name because she isn't coming with me!

I do think she may stay at her mums tonight. Something like that is going to happen

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/09/2015 17:23

Can I ask, why do you want to be with her?

It doesn't sound like you really love her or are crazy about her or erm anything like that????

What are her good points?

DontMindMe1 · 29/09/2015 17:25

You could say "could you sit down please? i've got something to say. I find your persistent silent treatments an excessive over reaction to something that is minor, very hurtful, disrespectful and, quite frankly, very abusive. I'm not tolerating any more of that behaviour."

Then wait for her response. If she brings up the 'need time' thing again, you could say "i would understand if it was over something big/serious or we'd had a massive argument - but it isn't. i don't treat you like that and i won't allow you to treat me like this ever again. I don't want to be with someone who thinks it's ok to treat me like shit for days, not apologise and then give me orders whilst still 'ignoring' me. Do you want this relationship to work? Because right now i don't feel like you actually like me or love me"

If she says she does love you and wants it to work, then you could say "ok, but the silent treatments and sulks stop right now. How do you plan on dealing with it the next time we have a disagreement or you get pissed off at me?" Then let HER come up with suggestions on how she's going to take the time she needs to 'cool down' WITHOUT punishing you with sulks, silent treatment, monosyllabic responses etc. Tell her what you won't accept - being ignored all day/evening, going to bed angry/pissed off/no talking, being given orders whilst still being 'punished' etc

Oh - and i'd also tell her she can sort the sky thing out herself - you're not going allow her to take the piss out of you like that.

cantmakeme · 29/09/2015 17:25

My ex (and father of my DD) used to do this. He did it over trivial things, and he did it for longer if I had stood up for myself. It got worse over time, because I stood up for myself more and more.

I'm not sure about the answer, because even when he stopped doing it as much or for as long, I could tell that he was angry about those tiny things which mean NOTHING in the scheme of things.

I left him and I now have a non-angry partner.

Jackie0 · 29/09/2015 17:26

I think she was trying to get the lay of the land , trying to gage if you were angry.
She can't just back down and apologise because of pride.

Original poster
ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 17:27

Thanks for the responses

dontmindme I don't think I am quite brave enough to say that but it sounds awesome in my imagination.

Random I'm struggling

OP posts:
DontMindMe1 · 29/09/2015 17:29

i wouldn't be signing anything in joint names tenancy wise until this is resolved. Cos if you break up after moving into the new house you might not be able to take your name off the lease and therefore still be liable for rent on a place you don't live.

alternatively, keep the tenancy in your name only and suggest that her name goes on it at the next renewal period/after x amount of time, that way you'll know if she is being sincere and serious about changing her behaviour/attitude.

DontMindMe1 · 29/09/2015 17:31

well that's why she treats you like shit - because she thinks you don't have the backbone to stand up for yourself. She sees you as someone who can be pushed around and played with.

you don't need to word it like i have, just say something like "i've had enough of this silent treatment rubbish. either it stops or we're over."
Just keep it simple.

DontMindMe1 · 29/09/2015 17:32

*stops for good

Greengardenpixie · 29/09/2015 17:37

well my dh used to do that. Do you know what i did. Got on with my life! He could NOT handle this and he actually stopped doing it. I just talked for him. Just went on with everything i did normally. Put the dinner out, put his out and if he didnt eat it, collected it in and threw it in the bin. Then i would go to the shops bla bla bla. Eventually it was pissing him off!!! He doesnt do it now :)

RandomMess · 29/09/2015 17:39

Please don't move somewhere new. It sounds like the relationship is all but over.

You could be living in a house share having the time of your life, meeting new people, trying new things, getting to know yourself. Do not stick in an unhappy relationship because "you've got nowhere to go".

Feel the fear and do it anyway Flowers

Starkswillriseagain · 29/09/2015 19:51

I think she text you to see if you would ignore her or call her on it. Now you haven't she is secure in her treatment of you and can continue ignoring and sulking when she choses.

If you move in together to a new place things won't change, they will get worse. You will get in a cycle of walking on egg shells, suffering the silence and then having it ignored as if nothing was wrong. Essentially that will be when she considers you punishment over, what the silent treatment and sulking is-punishing you. Which will confuse the hell out of you and gradually erode your confidence and make you nervous because her behaviour will be too unpredictable.

You can either step away now and refuse to be treated like this any more or you can refuse to be treated like this and have it out with her in the hopes she will change.

junebirthdaygirl · 29/09/2015 21:00

I would agree with green garden pixie. Just ignore the fact she is not talking. It's a totally useless weapon if it has no impact on you. Just continue with your own life. Sing as you cook dinner. Meet up with friends. Do nothing to pander to it. When she sees it has no power she won't bother doing it again. She senses a weakness in you. Did your mom do this or your dad? It's a total waste of energy being silent if nobody gives a shit. it's like you would do with a child or a sulky teenager. Just ignore it and see what happens. Don't tiptoe around her. Take all power out of it.But dont sign any contracts to move in with her as this could become a deal breaker.

Louboutin37 · 29/09/2015 22:41

My ex H used to stonewall me regularly and last time he did it I had already decided I was leaving him. So I carried on as normal, we went out with friends (I offered him a get out to go home but he refused as he still wanted to make his stupid abusive point) he was two days into the silent treatment by then with no reason given to me so I made my mind up to have a nice day anyway.

So he came to Sunday lunch with me and a bunch of friends and acted like a total pillock in front of them too.

I carried on breezing past it, carried on all day, drive home, nice and chatty and by about 6 pm he broke. Rocking, wailing, tears, he looked like a two year old who'd had his favourite toy confiscated.

He then sent all my friends a message on Facebook saying he was removing them from his friends list as they all clearly didn't care about him. They all fell about laughing and told me to leave him immediately.

Don't stand for it. One day you'll see something similar to what I saw and it will make you fall out of love with them straight away.

Original poster
ScribblerOnTheRoof · 30/09/2015 09:36

My car broke down on the way home last night and needed her help so I don't knwo whether she was forced into breaking the silent treatment or had decided to stop it which is annoying.

I said to her that her silent treatment was excessive, she half laughed/smiled and looked away from me and said it was not excessive. I repeated that it was and her face straightened and she said I had really pissed her off. That on the night I was on my phone and ignored what she was saying to me and this hurt her.

I decided not to continue the conversation as I was tired from standing on the roadside in the freezing cold for 2 hours

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/09/2015 09:44

IMO it's not game playing. It's calling her out on her behaviour and then ignoring it and treating her like the sulky child that she is.

Lottapianos · 30/09/2015 09:46

Scribbler, you don't deserve this. No-one does. You were honest with her and she first of all minimised what you said and told you you had it wrong. She then became defensive and turned all the blame round on you. This is emotionally abusive behaviour. She's not showing any willingness to change or to reflect on her behaviour.

Having a partner is supposed to make a life a lot more pleasant and a lot more fun. Its supposed to feel like a partnership, a supportive and nurturing thing in your life. I know how you're feeling right now because I've been on the receiving end of the silent treatment many times and its just horrible. You do not have to put up with this.

Skiptonlass · 30/09/2015 09:52

I cannot abide sulking and I think the silent treatment is an awful thing to do. Imagine if you had kids and she did this to them - there is not much that is going to shatter a child's sense of security more than if they are on eggshells not wanting to upset mummy in case she withdraws love.

Call her out on it, every.single.time. It's manipulative behaviour and unless you stand up to it it'll never get better.

And for gods sake don't have kids with someone who does this!

goodenoughal · 30/09/2015 09:54

Seriously, it seems like you're both really struggling to be in a relationship. You both seem sad, upset, hurt and not sure about the future. Could you get some support - counselling - either together or separately?

Francoitalialan · 30/09/2015 09:59

You should end it but you won't. She'll thaw, throw you a crumb and then you're back there, on this cycle. You might have some happiness but a lot more misery too as she is perpetuating a nasty pattern to your relationship.

Penfold007 · 30/09/2015 10:09

She's told you loud and clear that she will not change. Up to you now, do you have the strength to leave?

LaContessaDiPlump · 30/09/2015 10:49

LEAVE.

Seriously, it sounds awful and you deserve better.

pocketsaviour · 30/09/2015 11:23

she half laughed/smiled and looked away from me and said it was not excessive

Two clear messages from that:

  1. She feels her stupid and childish sulking behaviour is an appropriate response to any situation where she feels like it. This means her behaviour will never improve, it will only worsen.
  2. The laughing is because she now knows it was an effective weapon and that it hurt you, which she is happy about. She has got what she wanted from the silence, which is to control and punish you.

This woman does not care about you. She is an abuser. Have a read of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft - the language assumes an abuser is male (as the majority are) but the parts about emotional abuse and manipulation apply equally to either sex.

For the love of god, don't sign any rental contract with her. Look for a new place of your own. Ask friends and family if you could stay with them temporarily while you get a deposit together for a new place. Or ask around at work if anyone has a flatshare or houseshare.

You sound quite passive and as if you don't believe you can stand up for yourself. Can I ask if your parents' relationship had elements of control and manipulation?

Original poster
ScribblerOnTheRoof · 30/09/2015 11:54

Thanks for the responses everyone.

Pocket
My Mother died when I was 9 but from what I can rememberr there were a lot of arguments where my Mother would storm out and have time to herself outside.

I am findin it hard to believe she is abuser, only because I (and everyone else) has seen her to be such a nice person.

I do believe that she is not fussed on the relationship though. I need to think and sort something out

OP posts: