Sulking and silent treatment

[ScribblerOnTheRoof]

Hi everyone,

I am looking for a little advice on how to cope with the above. I am 33 and my DP of 2 years is 28.

Whenever we argue (no matter how minor), DP tends to strop and sulk by giving me the silent treatment. So far DP hasn't spoken to me since Sunday evening because I forgot to take the bins out.

I find that all of our arguments tend to revolve around things I have or haven't done, all the good things I do are outweighed by the things I don't do.

How do you cope with someone who is giving you the silent treatment? We live together and teh only thing she said to me yesterday was "Does this Lamb taste ok to you?". She then had a 2 hour bath and went to bed where she continued to rpetend I wasn't there.

If she does start talking to me this evening I would like to highlight how childish I find her behaviour but at the same time don't want to cause another row. Don't get me wrong, we rarely argue but when we do it is about the same things - money, chores that kind of thing.

If she still isn't talking to me this evening then quite frankly, I want to leave. I refuse to be ignored in my own home over something so fucking trivial.

Any input?

Oh and please don't tell me that we may as well break up, that would be a decision I would make on myself, not on the advice of strangers :)

Another thing, she was ill with a chest infection a few weeks ago, I took care of her, cooking, fetching medicine - you know, the stuff a loving partner does.

She became better and I then suffered with the infection. I had no sympathy, was told she would not go out and get me toilet paper (she later said she was joking), On the 4th day I started to feel a lot better - still nto with it though. So I had a couple of cans in the house whilst watching the Wales vs England game. I had left a plate in the sink that had my pizza on and she said that if I was well enough to have a drink, I was well enough to clean up. I understand this but I get the impression she was pissed off about me having a go at her for not being sympathetic towards me being ill and used it as an excuse.

I dont know if my post makes much sense and apologise for the length

Abusers aren't nasty 100% of the time - otherwise they wouldn't be in relationships at all. They hook you in with the nice stuff, and that's what keeps you on the chain - the promise that things can be good.

But just because she's nice 80% of the time, it doesn't mean you have to just suck it up for the other 20%. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

If someone made you a sandwich and said "Here you go Scribbler, it's 80% sliced ham and 20% cat poo" you wouldn't eat it, right?

I wonder if you initially subconsciously felt that her sulks and silences were okay because they were a bit like what your mum did? But as PPs have pointed out, walking away for a couple of hours to cool down is fine - silent treatment for 2 days over the bins not being out is just way, WAY off the scale.

It must have been very hard losing your mum at such a young age. I'm sorry.

Scribbler, do bear in mind that her behaviour may well be unconscious. It's unlikely that she's rubbing her hands and thinking 'oooh how can I mess with Scribbler's head today?' That doesn't excuse her for a second, and doesn't mean that you should put up with it, and it doesn't change the fact that her behaviour is abusive. However, it may help you to reconcile the 'nice' version of her with the 'nasty' version. She has learned very messed up and damaging lessons about how to communicate in relationships. That's down to her to change, and not for you to put up with.

Its incredibly sad that you feel she's not fussed about your relationship [ sad] That speaks volumes

I was tired from standing on the roadside in the freezing cold for 2 hours

Was she two hours away out of interest ?

No, she was about 30 mins away. She rang AA for me and I was towed home :(

Wow - do you know how many out there are abused by people who come across as 'charm personified' to everyone else.
That's why it becomes hard to leave sometimes.
You feel people won't believe you because everyone else thinks they are the bees knees when you know behind closed doors just how awful it can be.
It's very very very common.

but I don't FEEL abused, you know?

What do you think being abused feels like?

You're walking on eggshells. You're avoiding arguments. You're bracing yourself for the silent treatment before it happens. You're 'a ball of anxiety' when she's ignoring you. You're being ignored for days at a time by your partner in your own home. You're wondering if she will be speaking to you when you get home in the evening. You feel that she's 'not fussed' about your relationship. You've had several posters on here confirming to you that her behaviour is abusive.

OP, I get it. It's very difficult to accept that you're in an unhealthy relationship and to start thinking about the consequences of that. It's scary. You sound like someone who has great difficulty trusting your feelings. That's not a criticism - I've been in the same boat. You sound like you're worried that you've got this all wrong - living with abusive behaviour will do that to you. If what you've written here is true, and I believe it is, then you are right to be concerned and your relationship is deeply unhealthy.

But you do feel unloved, and that's a pretty big thing, isn't it?

If she had broken down would you have left her standing in the cold for 2 hours?

I agree with Don'tmindme. You need to communicate openly about her behaviour and make it clear you will not tolerate it in the future. I used to sulk with my DH over trivial issues that built up into resentment. I hated myself for behaving in this way as it's very immature and corrosive behaviour. I never sulk now, if something is bothering me I will say so. We might have a few cross words and then it's over and we both feel better. I was brought up with my DF who was the world's worst sulker so I think that's how I learnt the pattern of behavior. If I can change then so can she but you need to tell her sulking in childish and unacceptable.

I am shocked at the comments on here. How do people know that the things they are saying is right? We do not really know what relationship the OP has with her partner in real life, yet people on here are advising her to leave? OP, for balance, think about what is right for yourself. If your partner minimizes how you feel then what does that mean for you? Now the silence is broken, it is time for a chat with her to see if you can sort things out.