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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sulking and silent treatment

86 replies

ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 14:20

Hi everyone,

I am looking for a little advice on how to cope with the above. I am 33 and my DP of 2 years is 28.

Whenever we argue (no matter how minor), DP tends to strop and sulk by giving me the silent treatment. So far DP hasn't spoken to me since Sunday evening because I forgot to take the bins out.

I find that all of our arguments tend to revolve around things I have or haven't done, all the good things I do are outweighed by the things I don't do.

How do you cope with someone who is giving you the silent treatment? We live together and teh only thing she said to me yesterday was "Does this Lamb taste ok to you?". She then had a 2 hour bath and went to bed where she continued to rpetend I wasn't there.

If she does start talking to me this evening I would like to highlight how childish I find her behaviour but at the same time don't want to cause another row. Don't get me wrong, we rarely argue but when we do it is about the same things - money, chores that kind of thing.

If she still isn't talking to me this evening then quite frankly, I want to leave. I refuse to be ignored in my own home over something so fucking trivial.

Any input?

Oh and please don't tell me that we may as well break up, that would be a decision I would make on myself, not on the advice of strangers :)

Another thing, she was ill with a chest infection a few weeks ago, I took care of her, cooking, fetching medicine - you know, the stuff a loving partner does.

She became better and I then suffered with the infection. I had no sympathy, was told she would not go out and get me toilet paper (she later said she was joking), On the 4th day I started to feel a lot better - still nto with it though. So I had a couple of cans in the house whilst watching the Wales vs England game. I had left a plate in the sink that had my pizza on and she said that if I was well enough to have a drink, I was well enough to clean up. I understand this but I get the impression she was pissed off about me having a go at her for not being sympathetic towards me being ill and used it as an excuse.

I dont know if my post makes much sense and apologise for the length

OP posts:

RandomMess · 29/09/2015 15:58

Exactly she hasn't got a better way of dealing with it, give her the option of you both working together on finding a healthier way to deal with conflict or end the relationship.

It doesn't mean she's a deliberating controlling or nasty person, she is using controlling and nasty ways of behaving that she can learn to change if she's made aware of how awful they are and she wants to.

If you've been brought up in an emotionally unhealthy family it's difficult to know how to deal with your feelings etc. and they often pour out in very harmful ways and you tend to choose partners that you silently collude together in creating the same unhealthy dynamics with.

pocketsaviour · 29/09/2015 16:05

How often does this happen, OP? Have you ever said to her (when you're both calm, not in the middle of a row) hey, the silent treatment you put me through after an argument is really hurtful and it would be great if we could find a different mode of conflict resolution?

Original poster

ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 16:23

I have discussed it with her, mentioned above.

Someone said earlier on in the thread that it doesn't sound like she likes me and that is speaking volumes. I genuinely dont feel like she likes me very much.

I don't really have anywhere to go if I was to finish it. And I know I would be very upset. I can't imagine her fighting for me which is probably another clue that she's just not that into me. I will see what she is like this evening beofre I plan what I am going to say

OP posts:

Original poster

ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 16:26

and thank you for the link cant remember who sent it but it was really insightful

OP posts:

Original poster

ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 16:27

and to the other Poster that asked, no I am not a slob! I put my dirty washing in the basket, do laundry, hoover, dust, make bed and clean bathroom regularly

OP posts:

RandomMess · 29/09/2015 16:28

All the best op, from your last posts it sounds like it's run it's course. Why spend more years with someone who life isn't actually enjoyable with. Don't settle for something because you don't have somewhere to go!!!!

Francoitalialan · 29/09/2015 16:36

OP it's abusive, and controlling. Leave the bitch.

Original poster

ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 16:43

She isn't like it all of the time though, just when we argue. Is that still shit?

OP posts:

ouryve · 29/09/2015 16:49

Yes it is, because you shouldn't be arguing so much and so intensely when you're in a relationship that would still be in early days if it really was a goer.

Francoitalialan · 29/09/2015 16:52

The arguing isn't a problem, but stonewalling you is. It's horrible and passive aggressive and puts you on the back foot, and is also one of the biggest predictors of relationship breakdown as it kills intimacy and communication absolutely stone dead.
It's one thing to need to go for a walk to clear your head for an hour after a row but 2 days for not putting the bins out? Disgusting. Really abusive.

Original poster

ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 16:52

So what should I say when I get home?

If she talks to me like normal what should I say?

If she is still giving me the silent treatment what should I say?!

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 29/09/2015 16:53

Yes its still shit and still abusive. Disagreements and conflict are a normal part of relationships and you both need to be able to manage them in a healthy way. The silent treatment is anything but.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 29/09/2015 16:53

Yes - that's shit. It's just trying to manipulate you to get her own way. I'll bet she was very good at that sort of thing at school.

Reasonable people don't give the silent treatment for days on end for forgetting to put the bins out, especially to people that they are supposed to hold in some affection.

I know someone who has just broken off his engagement after months of this sort of thing. The light dawned when he was on the receiving end of it over something that was actually really important to him. She wouldn't even enter into a discussion about it and after 2 weeks of silent treatment he realised that this was what he would be signing up to for the rest of his life.

Just for one second imagine your children being on the receiving end of this sort of treatment from their mother? How upset and puzzled a small child would be? I grew up with a father who did this to the whole family. I really don't recommend it.

Leave her to herself to grow up would be my suggestion. Life.Is.Way.Too. Short

Lottapianos · 29/09/2015 16:55

OP, forget 'should' and think about what you want. You say you're not prepared to put up with this behaviour any more. Breaking up would of course be painful, but overall, would life be more calm and peaceful without feeling that you're walking on eggshells all the time?

Francoitalialan · 29/09/2015 16:56

Regardless of how SHE is, think about what you want! The end of this shitty behaviour! Say calmly and clearly that you won't tolerate it, and that she needs to find another way to behave as if she ever pulls this shit again, you're gone. And mean it. She has to KNOW you're prepared to go. Otherwise you're signing up for a lifetime of pain.

She is showing you who she is. Watch closely

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 29/09/2015 16:57

I would honestly waltz in the door later and ask her straight out in a light and breezy couldn'tgiveashit tone
"Am I still in the dog house for forgetting to put the bins out"

Any response which is not some sort of apology should result in,

"Right - I'm heading out then. See you later " And don't for one second say where you are going.

PS - if she knows your password to your smart phone. Change it so she can't track you and figure out you are parked down the street watching a film on your ipad.

Francoitalialan · 29/09/2015 16:58

Treadsoftly that's just more game playing.

RandomMess · 29/09/2015 16:58

If she is talking to you explain the facts:

The way you treat me is awful - the sulking and ignoring is killing the feelings I have for you and I'm not prepared to put up with it.

If she isn't talking to you:

Write it down and pass her the note instead...

Original poster

ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 16:59

I don't feel like I am walking on egg shells ALL of the time but yes you are right.

The message she sent me today about putting Sky in my name for the new house, do you think this was her way of controlling the situation - letting me know that she isn't going to finish with me and still wants us to move in? Because when I said ok, she said !actually it doesn't matter, we will shop around first"

OP posts:

Joysmum · 29/09/2015 17:03

"We need to discuss a way that you can raise any issues you have that is productive and effective. I'm not prepared to endure 3 days of silent treatment for something that was a mistake so we need to think of another way you can deal with it"

RandomMess · 29/09/2015 17:04

IT could be her way of breaking the ice or offering the olive branch; does it matter?

There are 2 issues:
The way she treats you when she unhappy/angry that is fundamentally unhealthy and damaging (and unacceptable)
The fact that she acts as though she doesn't like you much

We can only 2nd guess you need to talk through the hard core real issues. Not about who does what housework to what standard.

Heelsdown · 29/09/2015 17:05

Sulking is shit, so is forgetting to put the bins out if it's your job.

Original poster

ScribblerOnTheRoof · 29/09/2015 17:10

Sulking is shit, so is forgetting to put the bins out if it's your job

This is true. However, as a human being I am likely to make mistakes during the rest of my life and I would feel a lot better if I knew that every mistake I make wont always result in 2-3 days of silent treatment.

I just realised something else too which I will go into tomorrow which has rattled me a bit.

OP posts:

willconcern · 29/09/2015 17:13

Sulking is WAY shitter than forgetting to put the bins out (unless of course OP has forgotten to tell us that he's forgotten to put the bins out every week for the last 2 years, and she's just had enough - but somehow I doubt this).

OP, I'd go home and say the same thing, whether she's speaking to you or not - just as RandomMess says.

Jackie0 · 29/09/2015 17:17

She brought up the SKY to see if you were still moving , moving together.
I bet she knows she has pushed you too far this time and she's starting to panic.
She' ll be far worse next time if you let it go without resolution.
Personally I'd be so hurt I would leave , even for a short time.

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