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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have had a massive moan to DH...what now?

90 replies

avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 26/09/2015 22:39

a)He has stopped supporting me as a stepmother- e.g doesn't want me to ask his dsd to clean her room (she's 8 and 1/2)
b)I work 5/ 6 day week he works a 3 day week yet I still do all the cleaning, washing, cooking and food shopping- he does whatever takes his fancy.
c)His daughter didn't thank me for the birthday presents I bought her- he thinks this is okay.
d)When I spoke to him about all of this he said he would choose his daughter over me any day which was totally besides the point I was (would never give an ultimatum)
e) As I was saying all of this I realised how unhappy I am and have come to sleep in spare room.

Now I just feel really upset- where do we go what do we do from here?
Its the most dangerous place Ive ever felt our RL has been in. :(

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 26/09/2015 22:50

I'm so sorry. Thanks what are the relationship good points? How do they weigh up?

Enoughalreadyyou · 26/09/2015 23:47

Sounds to me you are a tad controlling. 8 year olds do not usually clean their room. Do you have any children? Bet you haven't because you're not understanding that kids won't always do what you want and there is no point battling with them. He will choose his child over you and so he should.

And no they don't always say thank you for presents. Because she's 8 and they do things wrong. Sounds like you resent her.

tribpot · 26/09/2015 23:51

Why on earth are you running round after someone who only works 3 days a week?

He has been deliberately unkind to you in his response on the birthday present issue - WTF has asking his dd to say thank you got to do with whether he would 'choose' her over you? That plus the absolute piss-take with regard to the housework makes it pretty clear (a) he has no respect for you and (b) he's more than happy to exploit the fact you haven't been willing to leave him.

There is no 'we' in 'where do we go from here?'. You decide what you want.

lilwelshyrs · 26/09/2015 23:53

I recall being asked to tidy my room at 8 years old :-/ i hated it but had to do it!

I'm sorry he's not supporting you :( perhaps taking a step back from doing the "parenting" part is good? My step parents rarely asked me/told me to tidy my room or do chores - that was for my actual parents to do.

If you're unhappy and it's more than your relationship with DSD, then maybe that's what you need to look at instead? Him not supporting you is pretty pants all round - regardless of DSD. And the fact he jumped to an ultimatum despite you not bringing one up, must have hurt :( Flowers

SymbollocksInteractionism · 27/09/2015 00:01

Eh? I have 3 children and 8 1/2 is old enough to keep a bedroom tidy!! And it is not unreasonable to remind them to do so!!
It is also good manners to say thank you for a gift!!
OP it sounds like he is not giving you enough support.

FunkyColdOedema · 27/09/2015 00:16

Agree with Symbollocks! OP isn't asking too much from what I read.

Original poster
avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 27/09/2015 00:52

Today I asked her to say sorry to her friends little sister who she shouted at and threatened for apparently being annoying even though she's done nothing.
I asked her if she would pick the mess off of her floor because Id just vacuumed.
I asked her to empty her waste paper basket in her room because it was overflowing.
These are all (I think) reasonable requests and she did them all straight away and without complaint.
My DH said that today I have been playing bad cop. And like a wicked stepmother which he knows is my achilles heel because I really did have an awful step mother who mistreated me.
I told him that I think it is obvious to anyone that they remind their child to say thank you when they receive presents and he said; 'well it's not obvious to me- I suppose I'd better start taking tis from super nanny' (sarcastically)

I just feel like he is using his DD to rebel against society and I told him that I can't any longer see myself having children with one so selfish.

I'm gutted- we are a good match in many ways but I have a feeling my life would actually be better without him seeing me as this bad guy with all these rules and demands on him to help me.

He said he doesn't want to be my job's bitch and I said but you have chosen to marry someone 11 years younger than you, therefore in order to be financially secure in the future I need to work hard at my career now. I told him that the fact he works a 3 day week but does nothing around the house actually makes me feel like his lifestyle choices so-called "bitch" because I sped all day saturday cleaning the dirt he leaves behind all week.

He had a realisation a couple of hours ago and said he was deeply sorry and could I find it in myself to forgive him telling me that I had married a proud and stubborn man and that he was really very sorry.
But somehow it feels too late. How can I be attracted to someone who clearly doesn't respect of even like me? He told me that he feel

OP posts:
horsewalksintoabar · 27/09/2015 01:08

"You chose to marry someone 11 years younger..." Please tell me you didn't really say that. That part of your conversation was really mean, degrading, purposely making him feel 'old'. You can't communicate that way and feel fine about it. You're both kind of mean to each other. Sad

horsewalksintoabar · 27/09/2015 01:10

And I'm sorry but you are nagging your step daughter. You're on her case, imo.

Original poster
avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 27/09/2015 01:12

But he is telling me that he is annoyed that I am either at work or tired from work.
If he helped me around the house I would have more energy and time to spend within.
For instance on Tuesday I was at work from 7am-7:30pm I then had to go food shopping after work, get in at 8:30 cook tea by the time I'd finished I was exhausted.
He knew that by marrying someone younger and at an earlier stage in my career that I would have to work more.
If he supported me by doing house jobs on his 4 full days off per week maybe I wouldn't be so tired all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 27/09/2015 01:14

so you think I should hoover DSD's room then allow her to cut up loads of paper and make a huge mess and just leave it there do you- who am I Cinderella?
DH never hoovers her room just me.
I fold her clean clothes and she just takes them into her room and throws them on the floor I'm sorry but I am quite comfortable with the fact that I expect a bit more than that.

OP posts:
Atenco · 27/09/2015 01:22

Gosh, as a mother I think it is very important to teach our children basic manners, if only to make their passage through this world easier.

I also don't think it is worth while looking after a step-child if you are being undermined by their father.

And thirdly, how can you live with a man who expects you to clean up after him and his daughter when you are the one working the longest hours?

AcrossthePond55 · 27/09/2015 01:26

I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect an 8 yr old to keep their room tidy. And to say thank you.

I would expect a parent to put their child first, but not if the situation doesn't warrant it. It's one thing to take their part if a Step is being unreasonable, quite another to take the attitude that their child is always right.

He should be doing the lion's share as he is home more.

Frankly, I wouldn't stay. Is there anything that makes him worth putting up with this for?

TheSilveryPussycat · 27/09/2015 01:27

OP was clearly speaking about financial realities when referring to her age.

OP, you are being entirely reasonable in asking DSD to do those tasks. Your DH, like my Ex, does not seem to be pulling his weight. I never managed to solve the problem of my Ex, until I divorced him, so can't help in advising how to get him to change his ways. Although this does crop up a lot on here...

HelenaDove · 27/09/2015 01:29

Why is everyone having a go at the OP when they are HIS kids. I doubt id be reading the same attitudes on here if we were talking about Child Support. And rightly so.

Stepmothers get a raw deal IMO Good enough to run around after the DC and do their washing but not good enough to have an opinion on whats going on and house rules.

Cant have it both ways.

HelenaDove · 27/09/2015 01:34

I have a friend who is a single parent to her now adult daughter. I remember having a conversation with her back in the mid to late 90s where she said she would never date a man with DC I asked her why. She said she would never want to be a stepmother because so much is expected of them and they cant do right for doing wrong. She also said stepfathers arent vilified nearly as much and not as much is expected of them. She doesnt really identify as a feminist but i thought she was spot on here.

ShanghaiDiva · 27/09/2015 01:45

Asking an 8 year old to clean her room is not nagging or getting on her case. This is a reasonable expectation and part of working together as a family. I would also expect her to say please and thank you and a reminder is completely acceptable.
I think your dh should be doing most of the household work on 2 of his free days off leaving you both free time together for the other 2 days. my dad was 11 years older than my mum and when he was semi- retired and she worked full time he did the majority of the work in the house.

peacefuleasyfeeling · 27/09/2015 01:45

You are not nagging your DSD. Those things are very reasonable. My 5yo DD1 does stuff like that. I have to ask/remind her because she is a child and it doesn't occur to her that they need doing, and rightly so, she's got better stuff to think about, but she knows it is how we do things; a shared expectation. Your DH needs to step up to the plate though, and I am very sorry you are having to deal with such a tiresome issue, OP. But better late than never, you were right to call it.

HelenaDove · 27/09/2015 01:52

Sorry i meant to put Why are some having a go at the OP Not everyone.

LindyHemming · 27/09/2015 02:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 27/09/2015 02:09

We have done this in the past and the list ends up getting ignored. If I don't do it it won't be done then I have no lunch to take to work/ no clean clothes to wear etc.
He says he should just go back to a 5 day week so that I can stop going on at him to help out.
I asked what he does on his days off and he just said relax when I said Oh how lovely for you he really defended himself.
Its like he doesn't compute that if I didn't work this much we couldn't afford to live in this lovely house etc.
I have been looking at flats tonight to rent. Im furious in the spare room.
His DD keeps waking me up by walking through the spare room to get into our bed- DH has to keep walking her back to her bed as he's trying to train her to go all night in her own bed. (Her mum co sleeps with her)

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 27/09/2015 02:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/09/2015 02:53

Your life would be so much better if you weren't working your fingers to the bone to fund and skivvy after this sexist prick who is using you.

You were dead right to point out that in marrying a woman 11 years younger he was making certain choices about how life would be.

Sadly it seems that he thought he'd bagged himself a gullible cash cow who would do all the woman's work of parenting and housework, allowing him to work part time and relax on your dime.

He doesn't respect you at all.

Leave and build a life with someone who will share things with you rather than exploit you.

milkmilklemonade12 · 27/09/2015 02:59

YANBU. I wonder how he treated his ex if this is how he's treating you now.

I disagree that you're on your dsd's case; as someone said it's our job as parents to make our children's passage into the world easier. Her biological parents are doing her no favours if they allow her to throw clothes on the floor someone has washed and folded for her, make a mess and not clean it up and not say thank you. It isn't her fault of course; she's being allowed to get away with it.

How awful of him to give you an ultimatum! I think he was just trying to shut you up and end the argument, rather than discuss the issues you have.

Helena Is completely spot on with the step-mother thing. I see many threads on her from lovely women who just seem to get vilified, whatever they do, from all angles.

Personally; I could not and would not live the way you describe.

Original poster
avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 27/09/2015 03:02

Yes Im thinking that too.
It's gutting because I really saw our marriage as a long and happy one and the reality is turning out to be different.
I came on here in frustration, I want hi to want to come up with solutions and compromises with me- just divorcing seems a bit extreme but tonight he has shown that he isn't that interested in meeting me half way or discussing matters so maybe I will have to be his lesson learnt the hard way :(

OP posts:
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