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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have had a massive moan to DH...what now?

90 replies

avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 26/09/2015 22:39

a)He has stopped supporting me as a stepmother- e.g doesn't want me to ask his dsd to clean her room (she's 8 and 1/2)
b)I work 5/ 6 day week he works a 3 day week yet I still do all the cleaning, washing, cooking and food shopping- he does whatever takes his fancy.
c)His daughter didn't thank me for the birthday presents I bought her- he thinks this is okay.
d)When I spoke to him about all of this he said he would choose his daughter over me any day which was totally besides the point I was (would never give an ultimatum)
e) As I was saying all of this I realised how unhappy I am and have come to sleep in spare room.

Now I just feel really upset- where do we go what do we do from here?
Its the most dangerous place Ive ever felt our RL has been in. :(

OP posts:
YouBastardSockBalls · 27/09/2015 10:27

Sounds to me you are a tad controlling.

What's wrong with this place!?
So many of these woman blaming posts lately, it's starting to make me think the MRA tossers are back again.

OP Flowers
And please take heed of the good advice you've had.

AuditAngel · 27/09/2015 11:15

I am a very untidy person. I expect my soon to be 5 yo to tidy up (with help), I certainly expect her 8.5yo sister to do the bulk of her own tidying (and make it into a game for the 4yo so she dies more) mainly because I don't want to do it for them.

The point about manners show that you are at the bottom of the food chain. My 4yo has beautiful manners, but all 3 of mine (also 11yo DS) have to be reminded to say thank you to me.

I actually agree with the posters suggesting you should just look after your own things and leave him to it.

Furthermore, if he is disturbing you in the spare room, while returning DD to her room, inform him that you are going back into your room and he can use the spare room. It will be so much easier for him to do it as she walks through on her way out.

AuditAngel · 27/09/2015 11:16

Does more obviously

IguanaTail · 27/09/2015 11:27

Stoic is spot on

I'm sure he's apologetic, OP. He probably realised he was sailing a bit too close to losing his lifestyle. I'm sure he'll be sweet as pie now for as long as it takes you to calm down.

I think OP you know it's time to go.

Him:
Working 3 days; relaxing 4

You:
Working 5 days; cleaning 2

Him:
Feels asking an 8.5 year old to tidy up and say thanks = unreasonable "wicked step-mother" behaviour

You:
Believe the above is fair (which it is!)

Him:
Sarcastic and derogatory and only apologetic when he thinks you might bail

You:
Upset

Get onto Rightmove and find a nice place to go. Get out of there. He is very unlikely to change his behaviour, so your only question to ask is if you respect yourself enough to no longer put up with it.

ImperialBlether · 27/09/2015 11:51

Ugh, I could have no respect for a man like this. He's proud, is he? What exactly is he proud of? Of having a younger woman fund his lifestyle? Of having his wife do all the housework? Of not cooking a meal for his wife after she's worked all day? Of not backing up his wife when she asks his 8 year old daughter to pick things up off the floor?

How old is this man? Why is working a 3 day week? Did he reduce his hours after you met him?

Wouldn't you like to live with someone who treats you fairly, who has your back, who has enough respect for you to treat you as an equal and not as a skivvy?

You have no reason to stay with him. He won't change. He's showing you his true self. Go and get yourself a flat and leave him to it. Don't believe him when he says he'll change; this is who he is.

FunkyColdOedema · 27/09/2015 12:13

I'm afraid I agree with Iguana. I'm not one to yell "LTB!" but I do think that at least, you need to really think about this relationship and whether you think it's going to improve. You have a right to be respected in your own home!

I must say I'm astounded at the posters who think an 8 yr old shouldn't be expected to pick up after herself or to say thank you! Those are basic things to be taught to children IMO!

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 27/09/2015 14:05

People saying the OP is nagging the 8year old.....give me a break. This guy married a younger woman, he came with an 8 year old and yes kids in general will do things like you have described OP. If your DP is fine with her making a mess, thats ok, then HE must clean it up if he won't support you in setting boundaries and disciplining your daughter and yes she IS your daughter, this is what happens when your take on a partner with children (in MY world)!

I HATE nagging anyone, I expect to ask once or twice and for the 8 year old to do as they are told. I don't have time to be cleaning after my own children let alone anyone else's!

Why are you working like a horse and he works 3 days a week? He's hit the jackpot with you, he has a maid, childminder, lover, cook all rolled in one!

The whole ".....I would chose my daughter over you any day" comment, OUCH! I admire him for that but to throw that in your face, WOW!

What are YOU getting from this union/"partnership"?

IguanaTail · 27/09/2015 14:59

I don't admire him for that. Any parent would choose their child over their partner, but to say it like that takes a special kind of dickhead. Let him and his ungrateful, slovenly daughter enjoy each other's company without you cooking, cleaning and financially enabling them.

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 27/09/2015 17:59

I guess the use of "admire" is the wrong term...in short I agree with you, but I do think parents should always put their children first.

Bogeyface · 27/09/2015 23:39

but I do think parents should always put their children first.

I agree 100%

And putting them first includes teaching them how to be respectful and appreciative when other people do things for them. To have manners. To share the load. To do their bit.

He is failing at all of those things, both on his own account and in teaching his DD.

riverboat1 · 27/09/2015 23:51

Exactly. "Putting your children first" doesn't mean always letting them have what they want over what anyone else wants. It is really facile of your DP to act as if he can't ask his daughter to say thank you to you for a gift because it would be like he was choosing you over her! Ridiculous.

It is a minefield being a stepparent, it's hard enough when you do have the support of a partner, so without it...I don't think I could stick around OP. Good luck for what comes next.

ShortandSweeter · 28/09/2015 11:59

is his job a physical one?

IguanaTail · 28/09/2015 20:29

For the 3 days a week when he is not relaxing you mean?

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 28/09/2015 20:42

Dd is 6 and ds is 9, every weekend my house is full of their friends.

My rule is simple they all tidy up before going home or the next day no one will come in.

An 8 year old shouldn't need reminding to say please and thank you.

Your husband sounds like a wanker.

Norest · 28/09/2015 20:50

There's putting a child first and then there's using the child as a weapon to score points and excuse lazy-ass behaviour. In this case i don't see anything noble about your DH saying what he said regarding putting his child first.

Sad
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 28/09/2015 20:58

An 8-10 child should be able to

make bed
water plants
clean room with direction
set the table
clear the table
dust
vacuum
feed pets (depends on type of pet and how your comfortable your child is interacting with the pet)
help make dinner
put laundry in hamper
help wash the car
help wash dishes
help load/empty dishwasher
rake leaves
take out the trash

However if this little girls father don't do housework then it's not setting an example to his daughter. The only example he is showing is that women cook and clean and men do fuck all

Original poster
avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 30/09/2015 19:11

Thanks all so much for helping me to stay angry enough to MAKE dh change, he's now downstairs cooking me tea and has done the washing and food shopping today.
His daughter is downstairs watching TV and I am hiding in our bedroom having a rest, Ive just heard him telling her to turn the TV and she is arguing with him about it. YAWN.
Im giving it until the end of Nov to change if not it will be new year new life for me.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 30/09/2015 19:18

Hopefully the change is permanent and not him doing it for a few weeks cos hes frightened of losing what he currently gains from you

Original poster
avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 30/09/2015 19:22

That's why I haven't really let my guard down.
Just a minute ago DSD just called DH out of the room by patting her legs and whistling saying "come on boy" repeatedly. She has no respect for him and he allows this.
Oh where is this going.

OP posts:
TwoTonTessie · 30/09/2015 19:39

I think the teenage years will probably be awful Sad

Original poster
avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 30/09/2015 19:42

Its not boding well that's for sure :(
I feel so silly to have got involved with a situation I'm not capable of dealing with.
I married him knowing that he had a daughter, knowing that she was quite difficult.
I work with children in my job, have done for 15 years, it's so defeating to not be able to cope with a child in my personal life.
It's not her though it's her parenting or lack thereof.

OP posts:
tribpot · 30/09/2015 19:50

You really need to accept he is the problem. He would still be an entitled prick if he had no kids.

RandomMess · 30/09/2015 20:19

TBH I wouldn't hang around to find out, he isn't going to change his parenting style is he?

ijustwannadance · 30/09/2015 20:58

If you are working hard to have a secure future for yourself and any possible children, why isnt he? Why isn't he working full time to save and provide. Would he stay part time and do the childcare?

You already know what kind of parent he is and how lazy he is. Add a couple more kids to that and you will always be expected to do everything, yourself, forever.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/09/2015 22:43

I'm glad you've got a mental 'timetable'. It's easy to let things drift waiting for them to change.

Whistling for her father like a dog?!? Kind of tells you everything you need to know, doesn't it?