I have had a massive moan to DH...what now?

[avocadosarentmiddleclassed]

a)He has stopped supporting me as a stepmother- e.g doesn't want me to ask his dsd to clean her room (she's 8 and 1/2)
b)I work 5/ 6 day week he works a 3 day week yet I still do all the cleaning, washing, cooking and food shopping- he does whatever takes his fancy.
c)His daughter didn't thank me for the birthday presents I bought her- he thinks this is okay.
d)When I spoke to him about all of this he said he would choose his daughter over me any day which was totally besides the point I was (would never give an ultimatum)
e) As I was saying all of this I realised how unhappy I am and have come to sleep in spare room.

Now I just feel really upset- where do we go what do we do from here?
Its the most dangerous place Ive ever felt our RL has been in. :(

What the fuck does he mean by "help out" Its not helping out Its parenting his OWN CHILD (a child which is biologically his) and cleaning up his OWN MESS. A man who uses the phrase "help out" definately sees it all as womans work even when the child is biologically his and yet not hers. Fucking mind boggling.

Helena you are absolutely spot on, yet again

I cannot believe the entitled behaviour! You work 2 days more than him, in order that you can live in a lovely area (and probably so you can have extra room for your dsd no doubt) and he can't even be arsed to do a food shop? He's leeching off you, and if you leave; he'll leech off someone else.

There can't be a negotiation if one party just throws out ultimatums at the first sign of trouble.

we just go 50/50 on everything but now Im thinking we need to rethink this as 1 or the rooms he has claimed as his music room and one is for his daughter so really he should be paying more.
I know I sound petty but Im being kept awake by DSD constantly coming in and out of our room through the night and thoughts of anger and what I should do next :(

Well if it were just dsd coming into the bed uninvited it would be a problem that can be dealt with.

However I don't think anyone should ever be asked to look after someone else's child unless they are trusted to set clear limits for that child. And as for doing all the housework, I have already said my piece.

OP,

it is entirely reasonable to expect a child of pretty much any school age to make an effort to tidy their room when asked ( obviously the age would dictate what they might be capable of ) . Many kids today are spoilt beyond belief ( my own included, but I do make them tidy their rooms and do other jobs ). It is not nagging, it is what is needed to get them to do the jobs you ask. A parent's job is to parent, not be a friend ( though the two should not be mutually exclusive ). When I am chivvying my kids along about something they should be doing, they often tell me I'm shouting ( I'm most certainly not... They can't remember the last time I actually shouted at them ), and I respond by telling them I'm not shouting, I'm motivating them.

He is being unreasonable. He's home more than you, and should therefore take a proportionately larger slice of the household organisation.

You could stop doing things. See how long that lasts... I'm not in the LTB camp here, but it seems like a shock might be needed to make him understand that stuff doesn't happen by magic.

RLD.

You deserve to be treated better than this op.

Whether you decide to leave or not, for now, STOP doing things for him. See what he does for you, and reciprocate.

You're choosing the wrong arguments. Certainly do not go into why the financial responsibility shouldn't be split 50/50 as he will immediately use that as a stick to beat you with - about how you don't see him and his dd as a package, how you're not behaving as if this were a family (note: neither is he if you're not allowed to ask your DSD to tidy her room).

Let's just look at the housework situation. There are literally no MNers who say 'DH works 5 days a week, I work 3, so I leave all the housework to him - fair's fair'. You failed to reject the premise of his argument, which is: housework is women's work. If you choose to work 5 days a week instead of 3, you will have proportionately less time to get your housework done. Not my problem.

In fact I think most MNers who work part-time try to get most house stuff done in their 2 week days off, to leave the weekend free for family time. I note it would never occur to him to do that much.

Notice that if he went back to 5 days a week he feels you wouldn't be able to 'go on' at him to 'help out'. Except, er, that would simply mean you were both working the same number of days per week and should STILL split the chores 50/50.

Look at the way he talks about himself: he was deeply sorry and could I find it in myself to forgive him telling me that I had married a proud and stubborn man

He regards himself as proud and stubborn - and that these are good things, however he's dressing it up in the apology. WTF has proud and stubborn got to do with not wanting his DSD to thank you for a present or for you to ask her to tidy her room? WTAF has it got to do with doing the housework? These are just words he's flinging at you to say 'this is my personality, take it or leave it'.

He doesn't respect you. He has a huge sense of entitlement about "women's work". He doesn't plan to change.

Wow there are some posters on hwre who'd think I am super controlling!

I expect my 9yo to tidy her room and have done for the past 2 years. She did it with help before that. And she strips her own bed, washes the bed linen herself. I do help her put it back on. And she mostly make her own packed lunches for school.

Oh and she always says thank you for birthday presents.

As for the other stuff, do your own washing/ironing/cooking and tleave him to do his and hers

As a starter, in addition to no longer doing his and his DDs laundry, you explain that, in order to begin to shift the balance of labour, you'll start having a 'main meal' (works canteen? More substantial packed lunch?) on the days he's at home - so when you come in you only need a snack/sandwich and the expectation is that he feeds himself and DD? He's been at home all day after all. It really shouldn't be this way of course, and it's up to you what you do re cooking on the days you're both working, but it's a start. If you're not ready to LTB straight away that is...

I think the biggest shift needs to be in how much you do around the house.

Just do your laundry, prepare yourself snacks and clear up after yourself etc. Ensure that you have equal leisure down time - so the whole 2 days at the weekend are your chill time.

If he mentions why haven't you done x y z tell him "this is my chill time"

Your expectations of your dsd sound very reasonable to me, they don't learn to be clean and tidy if they are not set an example and never have to contribute. He sounds like a lazy slob tbh!

I think he's wasting his time trying to sleep train her until she's ready if she gets to co-sleep most of the time with her Mum tbh.

It sounds like an unhappy household for all of you and he sounds like a sexist dick.

Don't parent his child. Be your lovely self, happy, a nice person to be around but let him parent her.

Why can't he?

I'm amazed anyone would think a 8.5 yr old shouldn't be responsible for tidying up their own mess.

OP, don't waste your life trying to negotiate a little more 'help' round the house and a little more respect.

This man has got you in to be his housekeeper. He treats you like a slave, disrespects you with regard to his daughter, and you foolishly capitulate instead of slamming the front door and never going back.

You are his skivvy and he's not even fucking grateful. He would be a dreadful man to have a child with as you will have to do everything as well a FT work, while he skives on the sofa 'relaxing'.

He's selfish, lazy irresponsible and unpleasant. He has no idea of manners or how to bring up a child properly, let alone how to treat a wife. I simply don't know how you've put up with him for so long.

I don't think divorce in this case is 'extreme', it's entirely commensurate with the serious problems in the relationship.

I don't know how old you are but you need to get on and find someone decent to have kids with.

Twinkle's post x2

I agree with those saying this is about an unfair division of chores. He thinks housework etc is your job as you have a vagina.

He doesn't respect you and he is teaching his dd not to respect you as well.

I have an 8 YO DS. He makes a shocking mess and we have struggles every day with him cleaning up after himself. He hates it. I think it's an important lesson in consequence; if you don't like clearing up after yourself, don't make such a mess in the first place.

Stay well out of it if you can. I certainly wouldn't be the one making your DPs life easier. I'd also let him take full responsibility for his DD - when she comes to stay, let him do the legwork - making beds, cooking meals, tidying up etc and you just join in with the fun bits because surely it cuts both ways? He doesn't want you involved in the 'parental' side so you just be his DDs friend and take no parental role. And next time she makes a mess, address him and say 'Can you tidy that up for DD now, please?'.

He sounds a bit entitled to me...

What makes me very uncomfortable us the fact that
1- he is using knowing your weak/tender points to mark points (that the wicked step mother comments for example). That's not acceptable in a relationship IMO.
2- he wants you to reduce your hours so you can carry in doing all the HW etc, ie be his skivvy rather than make the effort to at least look after himself! So in effect, any problem us solved by you doing more/less/things differently whilst he not changing a thing to how he lives his life. Right
3- re his dd, I can't even comprehend what he us thinking about. So he wants you stop nagging her, to leave him be the parent when he is not doing anything that looks like parenting her. I'm wondering what would happen if he was the one to look after his dd. I suspect, no uniform, bedroom is a tip, a child that has learnt to extremely rude etc.... A real shame for the child actually.

What Twinklestein said.

He's awful.

I'm amazed anyone would think a 8.5 yr old shouldn't be responsible for tidying up their own mess.

Me too. And is too young to be expected to say thank you for gifts, apparently.

I'm sure he's apologetic, OP. He probably realised he was sailing a bit too close to losing his lifestyle. I'm sure he'll be sweet as pie now for as long as it takes you to calm down.

Can you really imagine this going on for the next 10 years?

He sounds impossible and is really taking the piss. It's completely unfair to expect you to clean up after both him and his daughter. Why are you buying her presents? He should be doing this.

I would say to him to go back to work 5 days a week and to pay a cleaner with the extra money which will give you a rest. If this strategy doesn't work and you don't feel any better after 6 months the leave.

Keep looking at flats, stop doing his laundry and I like the idea of main meal at work. Don't go shopping on the way home from work unless it is just a nice meal for one. He'll either realise he's in the wrong and change and help out, or he'll just contain more and you'll feel more justified in ending the marriage and moving on to someone who will be your equal

Ha ha - asking a child to empty their own bin, tidy up the mess they made and to say thanks for their present is beign a bad cop. Genius!

OP you want to get out now, before the teenage years.

If I were you I'd leave this man. He sounds awful.
An 8 year old is well capable of keeping their room tidy.
He should be supportive of you. Instead he is trying to be his dd's friend rather than her parent.
He appears to be a lazy a**e.
Do you REALLY want to spend the rest of your life with him?

It sounds like your DH has opted out of the difficult parts of parenting, ie getting children to do things they don't want to do. Maybe he's scared of upsetting her and her going and saying stuff to her mum. It's not easy to admit that and instead has made your completely reasonable requests to her out to be bad whereas you are actually putting more effort into parenting by the sound of it. But it is at odds with his 'style' and she will probably resent it.
As for working part time, well he does have a lovely time of it doesn't he? If he lived alone that would be his choice to live in disorganised mess but he doesn't.
I think you need to talk calmly about how you feel and say you're not his money and cleaning bitch and if it doesn't improve by him doing xyz by 2 months time you'll be looking to end it.