I have had a massive moan to DH...what now?

[avocadosarentmiddleclassed]

a)He has stopped supporting me as a stepmother- e.g doesn't want me to ask his dsd to clean her room (she's 8 and 1/2)
b)I work 5/ 6 day week he works a 3 day week yet I still do all the cleaning, washing, cooking and food shopping- he does whatever takes his fancy.
c)His daughter didn't thank me for the birthday presents I bought her- he thinks this is okay.
d)When I spoke to him about all of this he said he would choose his daughter over me any day which was totally besides the point I was (would never give an ultimatum)
e) As I was saying all of this I realised how unhappy I am and have come to sleep in spare room.

Now I just feel really upset- where do we go what do we do from here?
Its the most dangerous place Ive ever felt our RL has been in. :(

OP have you decided what to do?

He's been very conscious of everything we talked about all week- has done ALL the housework, been on the ball with parenting his daughter and making sure she didn't wake me up by staying in her room.
I'm giving him a chance because he is being so thoughtful, BUT I still have my reservations, I just struggle In general with his very difficult DD and still have to be the bad guy when she is here because she is so lacking in boundaries and so sure that she is just another adult in the house that I can't really relax when she's here.
I am mentally going to give it until Xmas and if it all slides back to how it was and I really can't see a way of dealing with his DD then I'll have to call it a day.

I think he's 'behaving' now because you put the fear of God into him. He wants to pacify you. Remember that it's easy to do something temporarily (until he thinks you've forgotten) but much harder to make a permanent change. You don't want to get into a cycle of bad behaviour/ultimatum/good behaviour/you let down your guard/he slacks off repeat ad infinitum. Nor do you want to live the rest of your life waiting for him to fail you again. Remember "You might possibly sponge the spots off a leopard, but he remains a leopard just the same".

Amazed that an 8yo can't be expected to say thank you, or tidy up after herself/himself. ]hmm]

When would be the best time to teach them, do you think? 10? 15? 21?

Oh, also wanted to add; don't keep 'moving the goalpost', meaning don't keep extending the 'deadline'. That's kind of making you live on the edge, iyswim. If you say Xmas, then fine. But if he 'makes it' then don't set another 'deadline'. Just tell yourself he passed the 'test' and move on. BUT remember that there should NOT be another 'deadline'. If he fucks up after Xmas, you need to call it.

Wow calling him like a dog she's an awful brat, expect your life to be a misery once she hits the teen years. I think you should be planning your move, he might change but his dd and this behaviour will always be around.

I have just told DSD off for (predictably) another one of her interactions with a friend ending in her pushing her over and making her cry.
DSD then lied to me saying that it was part of her game, I told her that I'd seen the whole thing out if the window and that she had to come inside and lose all her screen time today for hurting a friend and telling me a lie.
She was really upset to be (unusually) told off by me, but now I know DH is backing me up and feel on the same page as him it's easier to do.
It's weird because when I asked DSD why she pushed her friend she said she thought it would be funny ?
Starting to wonder if there's some kind of attachment disorder or ASD at play.

Attachment disorder or ASD? No, she's just used to doing whatever the fuck she wants, when she wants as perhaps there haven't been any serious consequences before now. She might be lacking in empathy but that's not a disorder in and of itself. Beware looking for a diagnosis where one is not needed. She just might be a thoroughly unpleasant child, and no diagnosis or therapy will be guaranteed to change that

YANBU !! But, I think a different approach is now needed. I would sit the step daughter down and tell her that you've been having a think....you don't want to be "on her case" all the time, so, from now on, you won't mention her room. Let it get in to a right old state. DO NO CHORES in there. You get no thanks for it, so why bother. Just keep the door shut, so that you don't have to look at it.

Also, tell DH what chores you need him to do, when you're at work. Tell him how tired you are and say that you really need help.

Do On-line shopping.

Have a ready meal when you're home so late.

If nothing changes, I would honestly up and leave. It sounds SHIT. And you surely value yourself higher than this?

Oh and, let me tell you, as a parent of 2 kids that are now 18 and 17....girls are a NIGHTMARE from about age 12 to 16. I cannot imagine how bitchy this girl is gonna get, if she's like this at age 8.

I know she is constantly pushing boundaries. Constantly- even for small things.
DH has been doing all housework including shopping cooking and cleaning this week he said that all he has to do is think that it's a way of showing me that he loves me then he resists it less.
So I'm happy continuing in that vein.
DSD is easier to manage with DH on side and with him being more adamant that she be more pleasant.
It's just DSD's constant boundary pushing that drains me.
I'm starting to go to family events on my own now because it's so grating being with such a manipulative child all of the time.
This makes me sad because it's not the kind of unit Id imagined having.
I also worry about having a baby with DH because I feel I couldn't trust DSD with him/her.
The clock's ticking and I'm keen to start my own family soon. So it's a serious issue if she doesn't get reined in somehow .

"DH has been doing all housework including shopping cooking and cleaning this week he said that all he has to do is think that it's a way of showing me that he loves me then he resists it less"

Showing you that he loves you by doing the housework implies that he sees it as YOUR job. He still sees it as womens work OP And i bet he comes out with these comments more than once.

No it's not that it's that he hates doing it and wouldn't care if it was a shit hole but sees that I like things clean and organised but don't have time to do it so he does it. He sees it as his job now

Well, I'll go along with him seeing it as your job as it has been your job in the past. Hopefully what he's realizing is that housework is also his job and should have been both of your job all along. Benefit of the doubt says that he's had a wake up call. And perhaps he's also realizing that he hasn't been backing you up with his child as he should.

My problem would be the DSD. I wouldn't want to put up with brattiness, it wouldn't be enough that he backed me when the child misbehaved. So for me it would be that I would expect my DH to take his child in hand and set rules for behaviour in the first place. I know no child is perfect, but certain standards can be set. For example, it wouldn't be enough that he backed me when his child, say, threw a bread roll across the table or called me a name. I would expect that she wouldn't do that in the first place. Whining about bed times or begging for cake I can deal with but bad manners, rudeness, or lying, no.

I think you are very wise to be worrying about having a child with this man. Unless he's willing to take control of his child himself and change her behaviour rather than just reacting to it, then you are fighting a losing battle. Adding in your own child will only compound the stress for you.

DH has been doing all housework including shopping cooking and cleaning this week he said that all he has to do is think that it's a way of showing me that he loves me then he resists it less

You need to very clearly tell him that housework including shopping and cleaning is not your job and that doing it shows he is a human being, it doesn't show you anything about how he loves you - more how he demeans you on a daily basis when he isn't doing it.