H has just walked out

[dontwanttobefatandforty]

I don't know what to do, explosion and then he grabbed a few bits and left. We don't have a perfect marriage but I still didn't expect it. I can't do this financially alone. DD jst left for uni and we have gutted her room to redo it, he says I will have to pay someone to do it. I don't know what to do at all

No, not really. I had a think of who I could call but I didn't want to tell anyone. It seems I have no go to person. He has actually phoned and said sorry, blamed it on things we have going on and said he did go into work (he wroks nights and had said he wasn't going) and will see me in the morning. He has now just texted to say he thinks his steering wheel bent as he was head butting it in anger! I don't know how to respond to that.

Sorry yes we stripped the room right back, new ceiling and woodwork in there. The room is literally a shell.

Scout around MN to find out what you need to find and put safe before he gets back to the house. Start making arrangements eg solicitors appointment.
Your life is changing. Go with it because you can't hold it back.
He has something going on, whether its stress or women, and whilst he's backtracking a bit now, he's shown his true colours.

Well, first, take a deep breath and get a cup if tea, pref slightly sweet, because you will be in shock.

Next, if you have a copier, copy your financial dat while he is St work. Eg, your bank account details, latest statement, mortgage or rent and insurance, car insurance, purchase agreement, life insurance and credit card details. If not, take down the key details, eg account codes, addresses and phone nos and amounts.

Then have a pause. It will take some time to do that. Grab something to eat, .

Next, look up the numbers of the local CAB, marriage counsellors and solicitors who give you a first session free. You will be able to call them on Monday if you need to.

Then take yourself for a walk. Exercise will help calm you.

Do not worry about the room. If desperate you can paint it magnolia.

Don't worry about the house. Focus calmly on you and him tomorrow. Remain calm...

you've had a big shock and it will be tempting to sweep it under the carpet or let your DH set the agenda because he's making big statements but you need to take time to try to work out what you want to do.

I don't know how to respond to that.
You don't have to respond to it at all. He walked out. He told you he wasn't going to work and now he's telling you he head butted the steering wheel in anger. He's desperately trying to get reactions from you but falling into reacting isn't actually going to help. If he has bent the steering wheel out of shape then he needs to see someone about his anger management.

But ultimately this isn't about him going to work or the steering wheel being bent. It's about him breaking your trust by walking out.

Decide if you want to chat to him about it tomorrow or if you need some time to think about what happened. Also decide if you want to be there to see him when he comes home . These are decisions you can make.

You had a barney, and he did a flounce.
You can't know what's happening inside his head unless you sit and talk it out. He may be worried about DD, his job, his health, getting old - all sorts of stuff.
There's another thread on here today about a couple who have had a row, and she's (rightly imo) done a flounce. No-one's expecting her dh to start making a separate life for himself and the kids, expecting her not to go back.
Time for a talk, maybe some counselling, rather than bank statements at dawn.
I found it's harder than expected, being an empty nester!

You don't have to do anything except make sure you get something to eat and feel safe enough to get a good night's sleep tonight. Can you secure the house from the inside? Do you have any sleeping aids.

I wouldn't respond to any texts or calls tonight. Sleep on it.

You had a barney, and he did a flounce.

This. it's far too soon to make a decision about anything. Take some deep breaths and have a cup of / and have a long bath. Try and speak to someone who will be sympathetic - but not a drama queen - and then get some sleep.

Sounds like he needs to calm down and if you are rested you will be in a better place to deal with whatever he says tomorrow.

You can only be better off without a bloke who head butts a steering wheel. What an absolute loser.

bank statements at dawn

Sorry posted too soon but I agree it's a sign for a serious chat and strategies for the future rather than "the end"

Hope you can get some sleep and that this is the catalyst for change for the better for you both.

I'm in a similar position, DH has had an uncharacteristic explosion and walked out. I'm here wondering wtf just happened and trying to calm down my very upset 6 year old so at least you're not alone!

I would consider his behaviour to be relationship ending

Really, Anyfucker you consider him stropping off and headbutting the steering wheel enough to end their marriage?

Unless, there is some major backstory of torrid abuse, surely half the population has gone through similar and figured things out.

Yes, bank statements at dawn is brilliant:)

By walked out I meant he had packed a weeks worth of stuff and told me he will be back on his days off with a van for the rest of his things. I have calmed down and not replied to him. Not sure where to go from here though, I don't know whether to see this as the next step in our not really happy relationship or to do something about it. Although part of me thinks I am most likely to now just carry on as normal.

I wouldn't consider a man who head butt's steering wheels worthy of sharing my life. Is that so difficult to fathom ?

So now he's made this move, maybe it's time for you to decide whether you want to stuff everything back into the box or whether you might actually want to run with this. You said you 'can't do this financially alone' but there are purely options, especially if you get advice. If your DD has left now, it's something to think about.

Don't get me wrong - you might get talking and decide it can all be worked through. But the notion of separating doesn't automatically have to come off the table just because he's decided he overreacted.

I still have DS at home who is in his last year of school.

Sounds like he needed some space and went and got some. That's what counsellors suggest actually. Unless there's a whole lot of other stuff going on, this sounds like a pressure valve bursting. Sometimes in relationships that needs to happen sometimes. Hopefully you can sort things out OP (if you want to).

He has now just texted to say he thinks his steering wheel bent as he was head butting it in anger!

doesn't sound like hyperbole to me. It sounds like something a violent man would do

It sounds more like self-harming to me.