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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

H has just walked out

79 replies

dontwanttobefatandforty · 25/09/2015 16:58

I don't know what to do, explosion and then he grabbed a few bits and left. We don't have a perfect marriage but I still didn't expect it. I can't do this financially alone. DD jst left for uni and we have gutted her room to redo it, he says I will have to pay someone to do it. I don't know what to do at all

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/09/2015 13:31

Well, yes, exactly Alwayslonging no-one is suggesting marriages are sweetness and light all the time but a line has been crossed. And if you don't think about what you want to do next then what will happen next is that you'll be wary of asking him to tidy up papers in case it prompts a massive meltdown; you'll be wary of raising important issues (as you were when you were sitting beside him on the couch).

He did cross a line for you and that is what matters. It was a line for you. (It would have been a line for me too.) You need to be clear on what you want to do next before you have a conversation with him. Because he has shown that his plan is to ignore, ignore, apologise and deny. By not having a discussion about it, his actions are denying that he has thrown a massive spanner into your relationship.

It's telling that before he stormed out, he jumped to telling you that you couldn't afford to keep the house and consequently your first post fixated on the fact that you couldn't financially survive without him. He was trying to make you feel that you can't survive without him. You can.

Perhaps you could spend some of your time, looking at your finances and seeing what support is available. Because being scared of being poorer isn't a good basis for a relationship to continue. So, take that question out of your mind. Work out how you can survive and then decide what you want to do.

(I don't know if I need to point this out but he's very much following the blueprint for an abusive partner from blowing up over something trivial; making big threats about ending the relationship; creating uncertainty about what is going on did he go to work?did he bend the steering wheel? ; acting as though nothing happened)

Alwayslonging · 27/09/2015 14:23

This is all giving me so much to think about, I think you are right aplace because during his in and out of the house putting things in the car he turned round and just said good luck paying the morgage, why would he say that?

Still no conversation other than him making me a cup of tea before he went up to bed. No mention of the message I sent him (I know he has seen it as I sent on WhatsApp) I don't know if he is hoping if nothing is said I will give in and let it go or if its because there simply isn't a good time at the moment. It's my birthday on his first night off so again I imagine nothing will be said. I do wonder if my birthday will even be acknowledged as its just us with no extended family visits and as DD is Normally his prompter, DS isn't of the same thinking as her. We shall see I guess.

anothernumberone · 27/09/2015 14:26

You had a barney, and he did a flounce.
You can't know what's happening inside his head unless you sit and talk it out. He may be worried about DD, his job, his health, getting old - all sorts of stuff.

This a million times.

Isetan · 27/09/2015 22:51

Op why are you making excuses for him? If he can find the time to pack a bag and flounce out, he can find the time to damn well talk about. It appears his strategy of pretending his hissy fit didn't happen, is paying dividends.

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