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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H has just walked out

79 replies

dontwanttobefatandforty · 25/09/2015 16:58

I don't know what to do, explosion and then he grabbed a few bits and left. We don't have a perfect marriage but I still didn't expect it. I can't do this financially alone. DD jst left for uni and we have gutted her room to redo it, he says I will have to pay someone to do it. I don't know what to do at all

OP posts:

Joysmum · 26/09/2015 08:24

It's perfectly fine to take yourself out of a situation that's overwhelming.

Self harming isnt being violent, its self punishment.

He didn't do a stroppy punishing silence after he left, he texted within hours and said sorry because he knows it wasn't right and explained and it was a cry for help.

This man sounds like he's in crisis. He should see a doctor.

newname99 · 26/09/2015 08:58

So there has been lots of life (negative) changes - new job & daughter leaving for Uni. I certainly went through a change when my DS left for Uni - it shocked me how significantly it felt.

Isetan · 26/09/2015 10:42

I think the hyperbole (bending the steering wheel), PA (he loves me more than I probably realise) and the dramatic flounce are designed to get a reaction. So what should you do in response to this provocation, absolutely nothing. If he calls or texts again, tell him that you are taking some much needed space too (that should scare the shit out of him) and you'd appreciate he respects that.

When you've had your space, grant him an audience but he should start the talking (you can't read his mind). If he does talk, really listen to what he has to say. Does what he say resonate or is he blaming you and excusing himself (you did this, which means I had to do that), if he's apologetic, is it genuine or is it designed to induce amnesia in you.

I can imagine what's just happened is very scary but it could just be the catalyst to galvanise you both into sorting out your marriage. As uncomfortable as this is, this is very much an opportunity, take it.

Keep calm and good luck.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 26/09/2015 13:56

Actually I agree with AnyFucker on most of this.

YY removing yourself from a situation that isn't productive may be recommended by counsellors but this isn't what happened here.

No counsellor suggests telling your DP that you're walking out of the marriage, packing a bag, saying you're not going to work, texting them to say you did go to work but that you headbutted the steering wheel in anger until it bent.

The OP has been on the end of a violent outburst, being told her marriage is ended; being told her DP has hurt his head and a steering wheel and now he's sorry so it's ok. Actually it's not ok. And it's damaging to tell the OP that she has to make it ok for her DP. He created a massive angry, violent drama because the OP asked him to tidy up paperwork that he's left lying about for ages and the OP is perfectly entitled to say that isn't an appropriate response, and to consider whether that's a response she wants to pander to in her life.

Alwayslonging · 26/09/2015 15:26

I'm so confused, he has just got up and his words where 'do you want a drink love?' Its like nothing has happened. My head has been full of this all day and he is acting like nothing has happened. Do I bring it up, do I talk to him as normal, I just don't know what's happening.

Scobberlotcher · 26/09/2015 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 26/09/2015 15:45

I agree, you need to say that you both need to discuss what happened yesterday. This can't be swept under the carpet.

It will be difficult for you both but you need to find which way is forwards. It'll be a festering wound that's scabbed over but not healed if this isn't dealt with.

Alwayslonging · 26/09/2015 15:51

He will be leaving for work in 40mins so not really best time to get into a conversation. It will be the same for the next 3 days! He is sat next to me on the sofa watching a film he would normally go nowhere near, but we are sat in silence :(

Scobberlotcher · 26/09/2015 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isetan · 26/09/2015 16:22

Ahh, so he's playing the 'she'll develop amnesia manoeuvre', not totally unexpected but do you really want to sign up to that? If you don't talk about it now, you run the risk of treading on eggshells to ward off any future flounces.

As I said before, use this painful and bewildering experience to initiate an open and honest dialogue about your marriage.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2015 19:24

name change fail ?

this man is a gaslighting abuser

shame on you lot saying "he's stressed" "he didn't mean it" "he was just kidding about the violence against inanimate objects" "he just needs some way to diffuse his anger"

fuck that shit

op now doesn't know her arse from her elbow

win/win for him and appeasing women everywhere excusing this kind of behaviour

Alwayslonging · 26/09/2015 19:26

I have ended up sending him a message. I said that silence isn't going to sort anything and I felt he had crossed a line by actually packing and leaving. I also said we need to find time to talk and think about a new direction for us as the one we are on obviously isn't working. I feel bad sending it while he is in work.

Isetan · 26/09/2015 19:47

He hasn't afforded you the curtesy of willingly initiating a discussion about his flounce and by pretending nothing's happened, he's done the opposite. So don't you dare feel bad for the position he has put you in.

Joysmum · 26/09/2015 19:58

Nah, it's not shame on me.

In my past I've run away and told my DH I'm out of there because I wasn't coping. Last year I contemplated suicide, it wasn't manipulation or any reaction to my DH. I couldn't cope.

I'm lucky my DH is a better person that most of the posters on here. He recognized I was in trouble, didn't see it as a reflection on him and didn't think I was dangerous and violent or nasty because of my meltdown.

Since then I've got help. I've learnt to cope, adjusted my life, can see the signs, appreciate that there are triggers that tap into my past which means that to anyone else I'm overreacting but to me it was overwhelming. DH understands my problems a little more as I now do thanks to the help I received. I didn't make the links before the help I've had.

Is her DH a bad man?
Is he a good man who's lost his way?
If he's a good man, is he worth the trouble of working through this?
If he is, is he prepared to try to change as it one person can't try enough for two.

Many of us have struggled and had crisis and needed some extra help with doctors or counselling and despite it all, have good marriages.

Only the OP can make that call. None of us know so assuming the worst, pushing that view and trying to put down anyone who disagrees may be damaging to the OP.

kinkytoes · 26/09/2015 20:10

I agree with Joysmum.

Men can have mental health problems too.

goddessofsmallthings · 26/09/2015 20:40

I seem to have missed the bit where, after taking "a few bits" and announcing he'd be back for the rest of his belongings, he came home from work and went to bed as per usual.

It was my intention to write that communication was key and that, even with the use of loudhailers, you won't achieve an accord by sitting in separate rooms night after night but it seems that, even though you were sitting on the same sofa this afternoon, you didn't speak to each other.

Am I the only one who finds this unnatural? I appreciate that just before he set off for work wasn't the right time to raise any potentially contentious issues, but didn't you want to know if he head was hurting through repeated contact with the steering wheel and couldn't you have simply said to him what you subsequently texted hours later?

Alwayslonging · 26/09/2015 20:43

I was literally sat there willing myself to talk to him but for some reason I couldn't. After he had left he called and apologised and said he will be back after work.

ditherydora · 26/09/2015 21:30

Do you want to be in this marriage?

If yes, and assuming this behaviour is out of character then the two of you need to find a way to communicate without drama. I would have thought joint or even individual counselling would be of great help

PlopsyWhopsy · 26/09/2015 21:51

The way he exploded and said he was ending the marriage over something as small as tidying the dresser, means there is something else major going on in his life (OW) and he's been looking to leave and can now blame it on you. Don't let him do this.
Forget about the room, copy any paperwork you need tonight as suggested/make sure you have access to bank accounts and don't reply to his stupidity about the steering wheel.

If this is all just about the dresser, then he has some serious anger issues

PlopsyWhopsy · 26/09/2015 21:53

Sorry, bit behind, didn't notice the change of OPs username so missed the further posts. Ignore previous post

Alwayslonging · 26/09/2015 21:57

Sorry plopsy I changed it and then continued to comment without thinking of added confusion.

PlopsyWhopsy · 26/09/2015 21:58

You absolutely can't let him pretend this didn't happen. When you next see him, ask him simply "when is the van booked for you moving out?" Shows him you absolutely remember, and what his intentions were. People don't say their marriage is over and you are moving out for a small reason. Yes when I was younger I might have driven off for 30mins, but never said marriage was over/collecting my stuff.

PlopsyWhopsy · 26/09/2015 21:59

Nothing to apologise for OP

Alwayslonging · 26/09/2015 22:07

This is what I keep thinking, I too have stomped off in a huff, drove off, ate chocolate, sulked in the car for a bit and then gone back much calmer. I have never packed my bags and told him he will just end up homeless if he can't up keep the house. I just feel a line was crossed when he said he was done and packed his things.

Egghead68 · 27/09/2015 08:41

Cherchez la femme.

And even if there isn't one he is still a complete tosser and you'd be better off without.

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