In love with a woman - update

[Houseofmirth66]

I posted a while ago under a different name but not sure if anyone remembers my 'issue'. In short, I'm married with children and have fallen in love with a female colleague. I wouldn't describe my marriage as unhappy, just rather pallid in comparison to my feelings for this woman. We have not had sex, although I have thought about it a lot and she tells me she has too. (She is openly and happily gay) Despite having known her for a long time and living with my overwhelming feelings of attraction we are stuck. I don't want to hurt my husband and children but I am terrified of not exploring this relationship further as I feel like she is my big love. I'm not sure that this is much of an update as nothing further has happened. I suppose I'd like to know if anyone out there has a satisfactory platonic love affair or if it just feels like there is something missing.

I expect you will get the same replies as you did last time

What's a platonic love affair? It sounds like an oxymoron

I think you should avoid, first and foremost because she's a colleague.

I don't want to hurt my husband and children but I am terrified of not exploring this relationship further as I feel like she is my big love

Well if you pursue it they will get hurt.

How on earth do you have a platonic love affair!?

You sound very much as if ypu want things both ways, to keep your marriage but have an affair.

I'm wondering whether platonic love is ever enough or is it inevitable that you either move on to a sexual relationship or stop seeing each other altogether.

I absolutely do want things both ways. The security of family and the emotional, intellectual and physical connection with this woman. I know that's not possible though.

Ok so you want to start a relationship with this women. So you either go ahead and start an affair, which always looks fairytale like from the outside or tell your family and break your marriage up. If you truly believe that you love this women and you both want to give it ago then yes talk with your husband, tell him that you have met someone and your feelings ( try to be as gentle as you can) it's going to be difficult working with this women and pretending your feelings are not there. Follow your heart, I hope she is everything you believe her to be and I hope it works out,

Imagine telling your children you broke up their home because of some "connection" with a work colleague.

There is nothing "inevitable", you're a grown woman, not a zombie. Fix your marriage, or leave it with decency, but spare everyone and Mumsnet this "inevitable connection" nonsense. It's smacks of self-serving guff from someone who lacks the wherewithal to do anything other then shag their way out of boredom. I'm sure you could do better than that.

it's going to be difficult working with this women and pretending your feelings are not there.

Whilst the hurt and heartache involved in breaking up a family and marriage is easy

Oh bollocks, not this again!

Stop asking MN for permission to fuck her, cos you aint going to get it.

Either end your marriage and see how it works out with her, or stay with your husband and end your affair (which it is, even though you are not having sex you are having an emotional affair).

Whichever you decide, commit to that decision and make sure that above all else, you put your kids first.

Oh and FYI, just because she is the same gender as you doesnt make sex with her ok, it is still cheating, you would still be cheating, in fact given that you have discussed your feelings for each other you are cheating.

Stop being greedy and selfish.

Cheating is cheating regardless if it's an or woman

How would you feel if he was fantasing about fucking another woman or bloke behind your back?

you are prob just a challenge to this woman because you are straight. My gay friend does it actively tries it on with straight women all the time. You would be suprised how many takers she has

Same as last time.

If your marriage isn't fulfilling you (and it clearly isn't) and isn't going to not matter how much you try, then end it.

Only then should you be think about emotional or physical connections with anyone else.

To continue as you are is fucking selfish and disrespectful to your husband and family and your disgraceful for letting this continue because it's all about you and nobody else.

I had a friend who did exactly this, something over 2 years ago

She didn't have the grace to end her marriage first. She did the emotional affair, the full-on affair that broke up the marriage and messed up the kids, the subsequent guilty avoidance of the kids' father.

Without knowing the full facts, from what we have seen, the father has tried to behave like a saint, much to the detriment of his own mental health. The wife saw it the way of the OP here - inevitability, destiny, love of her life. It's become more prosaic over time: like any relationship, the one with the new woman has its ups and downs. Her mental health has suffered, and she has dumped many people who had thought she was a friend. Her kids are much more messed-up by it than she had thought they would be.

So in the end, the great love affair has turned into a prosaic, normal relationship with a lot of fallout on people who didn't necessarily have to be hurt quite so badly, and a considerable loss of support from all the dumped friendships.

A better way to do it would be to have the manners and personal strength to end the marriage properly, and then take up with this woman. Behave like an adult, don't treat your husband badly, don't lie to your kids or your husband.

At the moment, if you're thinking about sex with the colleague, you're definitely treating your husband and kids pretty badly. Have the guts to do this kindly and gently, if you must do it.

Also, a platonic love affair is an emotional affair. It's cheating, unless you have a rather narrow view of what marriage actually constitutes.

I had another friend whose wife had an emotional affair for years with a colleague, quite openly. She thought she had the moral high ground because they weren't having a "real" affair. It didn't hurt her husband any less just because she was too self-restrained to acutally shag the other bloke - what hurt him was that she was sharing her most intimate self, her love, her enthusiasm, her joy, her thought- with someone else - while continuing to criticize her husband. Years later she's now married the other bloke and her ex-husband is still a bit of a wreck and has had no subsequent relationships because he can't trust anyone.

Don't be like these people. They are selfish. You owe it to your husband and kids to do this properly.

I'm not sure that 'thinking about sex' is treating my husband and kids badly. It's what it could lead to. Everyone is absolutely right to point out that I want to have my cake and eat it. If I'm honest with myself I'm reposting in the hope someone will say, I'm in the same situation and am sleeping with a woman whilst remaining married. It's amazing and no-one is getting hurt.' An unlikely scenario I know and I am just seeking an easy way forward. But still.....anyone?

You're not just thinking about sex though, are you? You've actively discussed it with her.

no. no one will say that. How can you say that thinking about sex is not treating your husband badly? ??? Your not thinking about having it with him! Eventually he WILL feel that.
grow some balls and either end your marriage or end this affair.

So Mumsnet exists to tell you what you want to hear, does it? I think all these people giving you wise words and good advice wasting their time.

*are wasting.

If I'm honest with myself I'm reposting in the hope someone will say, I'm in the same situation and am sleeping with a woman whilst remaining married. It's amazing and no-one is getting hurt.

It is called having an affair. Of course people get hurt. Your DH and children for starters.

Op; this is only exciting because you haven't been caught yet - once your dh & kids find out your friend will go from an enticing, sexy, life enhancing friend into a complete nightmare, pain in the arse, 'wish I'd never set eyes on you' friend, literally overnight.

So.....enjoy it while it lasts.

You want to believe that somehow its different because its a woman, that its allowed because you are just experimenting.

It ain't.

You can dress it up anyway you like, but it comes down the fact that right now, today, you are cheating on your husband and children. And if you have sex with this woman then that will be cheating too.

I feel like she is my big love

Then why are you still with your husband? If she is the one then leave him and be with her.

But you dont want t o do that do you? You want to be a selfish coward who has it all ways, well life doesnt work like that.

Either leave or stay but stop fucking bleating about how hard it is for you. It isnt at all, it is however horrible and lonely for your husband and confusing for your children.

You have four options:

Do nothing. Continue to have an emotional affair, thus leaving both yourself and this other woman in a state of limbo, and being unfair to your current partner.

Distance yourself from this woman, and stop having an emotional affair, and work on your marriage.

Leave your husband and try and make it work with this woman.

Ask your husband how he feels about polyamory. (Wouldn't work for me, and TBH I think it works for very few people, but some people swear by it.)

Pick one, and get on with it.

If I'm honest with myself I'm reposting in the hope someone will say, I'm in the same situation and am sleeping with a woman whilst remaining married. It's amazing and no-one is getting hurt.' An unlikely scenario I know and I am just seeking an easy way forward. But still.....anyone?

Jesus fucking Christ, get out of here.