In love with a woman - update

[Houseofmirth66]

I posted a while ago under a different name but not sure if anyone remembers my 'issue'. In short, I'm married with children and have fallen in love with a female colleague. I wouldn't describe my marriage as unhappy, just rather pallid in comparison to my feelings for this woman. We have not had sex, although I have thought about it a lot and she tells me she has too. (She is openly and happily gay) Despite having known her for a long time and living with my overwhelming feelings of attraction we are stuck. I don't want to hurt my husband and children but I am terrified of not exploring this relationship further as I feel like she is my big love. I'm not sure that this is much of an update as nothing further has happened. I suppose I'd like to know if anyone out there has a satisfactory platonic love affair or if it just feels like there is something missing.

Rebecca you always have really shit advice on every thread you post.

You have been given some commendably sensible advice so far.

Let me offer you a left field alternative. Same sex attraction can be very powerful for numerous reasons. It may be that your dominant sexual preference could be lesbian, you might be bi sexual, or your interest may be a diversion from an ordinary marriage and the routine drudgery of being a mum and not a sex goddess. But it's the not knowing that can gnaw away.

Why not arrange to meet her, have a few glasses of wine, and go to bed to get down and dirty? Unleash those feelings. Once you have you will know whether this is about wanting lesbian sex generally, this woman specifically, or that you were just curious. Then you will know yourself what to do.

Living your life as a repressed lesbian is no fun. Nor is not knowing.

Why not arrange to meet her, have a few glasses of wine, and go to bed to get down and dirty? Unleash those feelings.

Yeah because nobody's feelings will be hurt in this harmless little sexual experiment, right?
Jeeee-zussssss

There is no actual update though is there?

You just still want to cheat.

I have never had sex with a woman before but really have no doubt that I would find sleeping with this woman incredible. The fact that she's a woman is almost immaterial to me. Which in itself is surprising as I have always considered myself entirely heterosexual before. In thinking about what to do, I think the advice to divorce my husband before embarking on a relationship might be about the moral judgements of other posters rather than what would practically be best for everyone.
Say we start sleeping together and after a few weeks the whole thing blows out and I realise it was an infatuation and have been foolish and deluded. I'm not a teenager so know, rationally, that this is a possibility. Who would have benefitted from a separation? Not my husband who I get on well with. Not my children who would be devastated. Not me who would be alone. Posters who are suggesting I leave my husband are also the ones who seem to be implying that it won't last with this woman. It does feel as though, in order to protect the sanctity of marriage, a wrongdoer must be punished. The idea of 'getting away with it' enrages some posters even though that means my children would be happily oblivious if I found it had been a mistake.

I am leaning towards the idea of taking my relationship forward with this woman. I can't stay where I am and it seems reckless to end my marriage and turn everyone's life upside down for something which may, in the end, not be worth it.

Rereading this post it seems horribly cold and calculating and yes it is. I need to make some clear decisions at a time when emotionally I am in absolute turmoil.

Rereading this post it seems horribly cold and calculating and yes it is.

Yes it is. You are going to have an affair, lie to your DH and DC, just so you can get what you want.

Disgraceful behaviour!

Ok so you are willing to take the risk it's all just infatuation because what they don't know won't hurt them, right?

What if it is infatuation and you get caught and it breaks up your family in a horrible way and destroys your children's belief in you? What if the other woman tells your husband? What if it's not infatuation and it is love? What if you're just the type of person who is never happy and the grass is always greener?

Never mind because YOU have done what you want. I mean who really cares about your husband? The father of your children? He doesn't deaerve to know his wife isn't in love with him does he? HE just exists in orbit to your life.

And of course, who cares about your kids? Why should you learn to control your sexual urges to protect your kids? I mean we all know that getting fucked is more important than our children's security and happineSs don't we? I mean why on earth should you control yourself? You are the centre of the universe after all..

You sound like a vile, horrible and selfish person, wife and mother. Tell your husband your marriage is over (because it already is) and let him move on. If the other woman gets involved with you then she's leading herself into a stupid place so no sympathy for her. I don't know what to tell you to do with your kids brcahse quite frankly it sounds like you couldn't give a shit about them.

Posters who are suggesting I leave my husband are also the ones who seem to be implying that it won't last with this woman. It does feel as though, in order to protect the sanctity of marriage, a wrongdoer must be punished. The idea of 'getting away with it' enrages some posters even though that means my children would be happily oblivious if I found it had been a mistake.

Words fail me.

You seriously don't think it will get found out either now or in the future!

It is up to your DH if your actions should end your marriage not you.

Of course you are going to do it anyway, but be warned there is every possibility thst at some point your DH will find out.

This is such a horrible thread.
Your poor poor husband and children.
You are planning on cheating on him - he will find out,affairs never stay secret, he and your children will be heartbroken, if he has any self respect he will leave you whether it works out with this woman or not. You will not be able to choose.
The only way this will end will be with everyone suffering.
I can only hope the woman involved has more decency than you and refuses to go through with it. That won't happen in reality though because you are already emotionally cheating and that is every bit as bad.

Is this the way you would want your children to conduct their relationships?

So if it's all fine and just an infatuation you need to get out of your system then tell your husband. Talk to him about this.
You can't? Then that tells you this is not the right thing to do.
You have a moral compass. Use it ffs.
And to echo a PP. Lesbian women are not just there for straight women to work out their fucking issues on. She's not a toy for you to play with and decide oh actually I like the one I had already.
She is a real person with real feelings.

Why ask for advice when you have already planned your actions?

You are infatuated with this woman, and it could so easily be a man...would you be contemplating the same actions if it were?

What if you fall in love with her, but she doesn't fall in love with you?

Have you contemplated that she may not want a relationship, just wants to bed you, and will then run for the hills.

What if she is all talk, and only wants you because you are seen as a challenge because you are married?

Sounds like you have already fallen for her. This isn't going to end well!

You are using your husband, and by not finishing with him, in order to pursue this, just shows that I was right...you want to cling onto him as you can't handle the possibility that if things don't work out for you & this woman, you will be along.

SO bloody selfish, op.

*alone

The thing is, I do care about my husband and children which is why so far I've done nothing. And yes I do consider myself to be at the centre of my own universe. Aren't we all? I need to balance my own happiness and fulfilment against the harm that choice would cause others. Whilst I would hate to cause my family distress, I do think that the howls of outrage around the harm I would be causing are slightly hysterical. It's certainly hard for children but hardly unusual and, like millions of other children around the country, they would cope. Cold again I know but I am trying to be sensible rather than being swept along in a frenzy of emotion which puts me in danger of acting rashly.

Also, my marriage was running along relatively smoothly before I met this woman and my husband and I get along well and are good parents I hope. So if this were an affair that blew over I can't see why we couldn't continue as before. And before everyone starts whipping themselves into a frenzy about my poor innocent husband,I would say that he, like all of us, has his moments. Our marriage has taken hard work and commitment on both sides to work through each other's foibles. I'm only saying that to remind everyone that, like most husbands he can be a pain in the arse. This isn't a simple saint v. Sinner scenario. Although, to my knowledge he has never had an affair and I don't think he is in any way to blame for this situation. I'm just saying that we've both worked hard to keep things going and I think we could again if my relationship proved to be a ridiculous infatuation.

Yes - it is hedging my bets. But, truthfully, and moral outrage aside - isn't it the way to cause least harm. Apart from me never seeing his woman again which I know I can't do.

Apart from the fact it's reprehensible - in respect of your actions towards your husband, how in the hell do you think this woman will feel when you decide "oops I don't fancy women after all, I'm going to go back to my husband - thanks for being my experiment but no thanks, it's not for me" ?

That, for me is the very definition of using people for your own selfish purposes. Both your husband - who is being used to maintain your 'nice' life and your infatuation who is being used as an experiment.

If you're not sure you are bi/lesbian... You could always talk to your husband, go to a swing club, or even ask for permission to explore with a woman... It may be a tough conversation but your integrity would remain intact

Ugh. I can't believe this ridiculously goady thread is still here.

OP, no one here is going to say it's ok. Most of us think it's not. But you're not going to be convinced, so why are you still posting? For attention? Are you a troll?

No.
It isn't the way to cause least harm.
The way to cause least harm is to be honest with your husband before you embark on this horribly selfish course of action.
He may be comfortable with you trying this out but I don't know one person who would be.
Keeping a secret forever will destroy you whatever happens.

Yuck, you're seriously deluded or a fantasist, not to mention the most selfish narcissistic individual I've heard of in a very long time.
Why bother to post?

Troll alert IMO.

Too much arsehole for me to swallow. Yeah, do what you like, OP. No one else actually matters

So if this were an affair that blew over I can't see why we couldn't continue as before.

I am sure you can't, but the fact is that you dont get to decide.

You dont have the right to make that decision on behalf of your husband. the only person who gets to decide if you can carry on as before, is him.

I think that I am going to have to hide this thread now as I can honestly say that I have never ever been so disgusted with anyone as I am with you.

How you can say that you consider yourself a good parent whilst systematically planning to take apart the very fabric of their world due to your desire to play around is beyond me. You are a loathsome selfish creature and while I rarely wish ill on people, I really do hope that you get what is coming to you, that your husband finds out and you find out just how much hurt can be caused by what you are planning. You deserve nothing more than to be dumped by both of the people you are using.

Wow. I realise that in my attempts to be totally frank I probably come across as heartless and self centred. But if you've truly 'never been as disgusted with anyone' then I think you might need to get out more. Real life is nuanced, complicated and tough. We all strive to do the best we can given our own weaknesses and faults, and the outrage here feels overblown, and unhelpful. Thanks to everyone who has reached out though. I had a really nice private message which meant a lot. I think it might be helpful if I leave Salem for a while now.

Truth hurts doesnt it?

You're not taking the emotion out of the situation. You're taking the hard bit away. If you want this to be black and white, at least be honest about it.

You'll be the architect of your own downfall, but most people are, and it's probably time that you learnt that you're not the centre of the universe and sometimes you can't have everything that you want.