In love with a woman - update

[Houseofmirth66]

I posted a while ago under a different name but not sure if anyone remembers my 'issue'. In short, I'm married with children and have fallen in love with a female colleague. I wouldn't describe my marriage as unhappy, just rather pallid in comparison to my feelings for this woman. We have not had sex, although I have thought about it a lot and she tells me she has too. (She is openly and happily gay) Despite having known her for a long time and living with my overwhelming feelings of attraction we are stuck. I don't want to hurt my husband and children but I am terrified of not exploring this relationship further as I feel like she is my big love. I'm not sure that this is much of an update as nothing further has happened. I suppose I'd like to know if anyone out there has a satisfactory platonic love affair or if it just feels like there is something missing.

Wow. I realise that in my attempts to be totally frank I probably come across as heartless and self centred. But if you've truly 'never been as disgusted with anyone' then I think you might need to get out more. Real life is nuanced, complicated and tough. We all strive to do the best we can given our own weaknesses and faults, and the outrage here feels overblown, and unhelpful. Thanks to everyone who has reached out though. I had a really nice private message which meant a lot. I think it might be helpful if I leave Salem for a while now

Nothing on here has been 'overblown' accept for your pathetic attempt at justifying an affair!

You aren't in a fairy tale you are messing with peoples lives including the OW.

You aren't in some Mills and Boon book although some of your posts read like it

Affairs have consequences.

You are being unfaithful to your DH who quite frankly deserves more!

Your DH and your DC will find out at some point so don't try and think he won't. In fact you are having an EA now.

I'm guessing that the lovely PM you have received agrees with your actions.

I can assure you that most people won't.

the outrage here feels overblown, and unhelpful

Then you have never felt the hurt and betrayal when you find out about an affair.

It is that hurt you are about to inflict on your DH by being very selfish and wanting your cake and eating it.

Real life is nuanced, complicated and tough
It is. You don't live in a soap opera.
My parents stayed together after mum had an affair. I was 7, I spent the rest of my childhood walking on eggshells.
You might think there are no consequences but nothing is ever the same again for anyone in the family.

What. The. Actual. Fuck?

How would you feel if your DH talked to another woman about how much he wanted to fuck her and contemplated doing it just to see if she was worth leaving you for? I think you'd feel pretty shitty about that, if you wouldn't be bothered, there's your answer, your marriage is over, end it then move on.

Back in the real world, you'd probably feel awful, the fact that you're contemplating a same-sex affair matters not one iota. An affair is an affair regardless of gender. BTW, you're already having an ea if you're discussing sexual things with this woman. I bet something has happened with her already but you're telling yourself it's ok because a) she's a woman and b) if it's not full sex it doesn't count.

If you want to find yourself, do it on your own time, not whilst you have a DH who you claim to be reasonably happy with.

Op: you're right, you could carry on with this experiment/ affair/ whatever you want to call it/ without your dh every finding out & remaining blissfully unaware forever. I've no doubt that happens in some relationships. But what about you? You could be the one left broken by this. What people are trying to say to you is everything comes with a price - & it could be a heavy price that you alone will pay.

Don't tell me, the private message was from someone telling you it was A-ok to cheat on your husband. Off you pop, then.

Well I'll say it - go ahead OP. Book that Travelodge. If all you're waiting for is for one random on the internet to give you permission, you have it. Best of luck.

Posters who are suggesting I leave my husband are also the ones who seem to be implying that it won't last with this woman

People me maybe think it won't last with this woman because of the horribly dismissive way you are talking about her on a thread that is supposed to be about her being your 'big love'. It honestly sounds like you give zero fucks about her feelings and regard her as a body to be experimented upon. You've been leading her a merry dance for ages and freely admit you think it might burn out once you've had your fun.

People have feelings. People will get hurt. They won't all live happily ever after because this is pretty fucking far from any fairytale. This is called reality, yeah?

I need to balance my own happiness and fulfilment against the harm that choice would cause others.

See, that is the difference between many of us here & you, when we need to balance our own happiness and fulfilment, we do so making sure there is no harm to others.

You know this is going to hurt people, yet you justify it as a need. If my need for happiness and fulfilment will harm the people I love most in the world, I won't do it, I will find harmless happiness & fulfilment. Yet you are ready to walk all over your families happiness because you are selfish & believe your needs have to come first, no matter what!

Just caught up with this. As one of the victims of an affair- and I often think that the ow/om as well as spouses end up as victims in these situations- I can't believe what I'm reading OP. You need your head tested. And to leave your husband and leave this other woman alone. Neither of them need someone as unfeeling as you in their lives.

I assume you'd be fine with your husband sleeping with another woman with say, green eyes, because he hasn't tried one of them yet and deserves to know if it could be his big love?

You're going to sleep with her. That much is clear. At least banging on about it, nobody likes a self absorbed cheat!!!

the outrage here feels overblown

Then you've never been lied to and cheated on by someone who claimed they loved you, committed to a future with you and trusted you.

If you want to sleep with this woman, be open with her and be open with your husband about your plans. They are people too, and deserve to make their choices about their future relationships with you in possession of all the facts.

The lying is worse than the sex. Sex - as long as it's with the informed consent of everyone involved, including the partner you plan to cheat on - is fine. Lying is not.

This is a really old thread. How did your story end OP @Houseofmirth66?

How long have you known this woman? No one here can tell you whether she's your One True Love or not. But your feelings sound like infatuation, and most relationships end when that fades. If you truly loved you in an unselfish way that might last, as opposed to just pursuing you because having sex with you will make her happy, I don't think she'd be encouraging you to ruin your marriage.

Ok, I'm an idiot. I, too, would like to know how this ended!

It’s quite common for straight women to have massive infatuations with gay women of their acquaintance. It’s a known phenomenon, and generally not particularly welcomed by lesbians and bi women because it’s a bit weird and fetishising.

I expect if you stop being so self-indulgent the feelings will pass.

The affair partner might probably also get an emotional bruising through guilt especially if the kids get their worlds upended.
Do the right thing. Disconnect from the affair, go NO Contact, change jobs. Even move house if you have to.
Put all your energy into mending the marriage and rebuilding family life.
It is a certainty that you have taken your eye off that ball.
Watch "Brief Encounter". She retreats at the last minute. Fred has a good idea that something was going on.

It's certainly hard for children but hardly unusual and, like millions of other children around the country, they would cope.

You really are as cold as ice aren't you? Colder than space.

Spare this other woman your infatuation, never mind your poor children and husband. She doesn't know what she's in for, and that's not a compliment.