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Original poster

In love with a woman - update

95 replies

Houseofmirth66 · 25/09/2015 00:04

I posted a while ago under a different name but not sure if anyone remembers my 'issue'. In short, I'm married with children and have fallen in love with a female colleague. I wouldn't describe my marriage as unhappy, just rather pallid in comparison to my feelings for this woman. We have not had sex, although I have thought about it a lot and she tells me she has too. (She is openly and happily gay) Despite having known her for a long time and living with my overwhelming feelings of attraction we are stuck. I don't want to hurt my husband and children but I am terrified of not exploring this relationship further as I feel like she is my big love. I'm not sure that this is much of an update as nothing further has happened. I suppose I'd like to know if anyone out there has a satisfactory platonic love affair or if it just feels like there is something missing.

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 25/09/2015 11:41

I have been attracted to women (and men actually) whilst married, and I sympathise Houseofmirth66 but no, there isn't an "it's amazing and no-one is getting hurt" happy ending. Affairs are awful. Everyone gets hurt. It's not fair on the OW, it's not fair on your husband and it is ultimately miserable all round. Even if your husband didn't find out, it's still not on. He didn't sign up for that. You have a strong connection with this woman and you have sexualised that, but I really don't think it is some grand love story, it would still be sleazy, and still cheating.

The way forward is to either put a lot of work into your marriage or think about ending it amicably. If you do want to stay in it, bear in mind there is nothing wrong with sharing fantasies in your marriage, whether it's about other men, other women or whatever. IMHO, that is normal in a long term relationship when things get "pallid" and maybe could help you get your sexual / emotional needs met without cheating. At the moment you are being unfair to both parties.

Boredofthinkingofnewnames · 25/09/2015 11:48

You are having an emotional affair, her gender is irrelevant. If it progresses to a physical affair, it is still irrelevant. You need to stop the affair or leave your husband.

Your sexuality and whether you want to explore that further is something to deal with later.

MissMarpleCat · 25/09/2015 11:51

Divorce and acknowledge your sexuality.

differentnameforthis · 25/09/2015 11:53

The security of family and the emotional, intellectual and physical connection with this woman.

No, you want to test the water with this lady while keeping your dh in the background in case things don't work out, which is pretty bloody selfish!

Joysmum · 25/09/2015 18:19

You want somebody to tell you it'd be right to be selfish and try fucking somebody else.

That it'd be right to keep your poor sod of a husband dangling in the dark whilst you decide what's right for him without doing him the courtesy of deciding what's right for him.

He wasting the best years of his life on a relationship with somebody who's not sure and he made decide your worth it, or may decide it's time for him to step out and maybe even find a partner that loves and respects him completely.

Stop robbing him of that right with your decept. That's what's so dispicable about this. Give him the choice over his own life by being completely honest.

Robotgirl · 25/09/2015 18:38

Really? REALLY?

HamaTime · 25/09/2015 18:45

Nobody is going to post saying 'I'm having an affair and it's great, nobody is getting hurt' because that's never happened, ever.

If you love this woman so bloody much then wtf are you doing basically cheating on her with your DH? Do you think your 'big love' deserves nothing more than you going doe eyed at her then having an actual life with your husband?

Noctilucent · 25/09/2015 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 25/09/2015 18:51

Nobody is going to post saying 'I'm having an affair and it's great, nobody is getting hurt' because that's never happened, ever.

Actually, there was a "support" thread once called "The Turning Tavern" chockfull of women doing just that. Egging women on to cheat on their husbands with other women.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 25/09/2015 19:07

I always felt uncomfortable about The Turning Tavern AF. I'm glad you've mentioned it like that as it always weirded me out.

AnyFucker · 25/09/2015 19:09

I got absolutely battered for raising an objection to it once, Fell.

Nonnainglese · 25/09/2015 19:24

If I'm honest with myself I'm reposting in the hope someone will say, I'm in the same situation and am sleeping with a woman whilst remaining married. It's amazing and no-one is getting hurt.' An unlikely scenario I know and I am just seeking an easy way forward. But still.....anyone?

Incredible, are you real? Surely this is another bloody wind-up, isn't it?

If it isn't then I greatly suspect your poor unsuspecting (at the moment) DH and your colleagues will very soon be only too aware of this crush/fantasy/I'm irresistible scenario and you'll be left high and dry.

A colleague of mine did just what you're proposing to do. Her devastated husband committed suicide, her two children were completely and utterly destroyed. They've never seen her since and she had to move far away to escape the fallout.

If you're happy to deal with the consequences you wouldn't be seeking advice and approval (which you won't get here) on MN.

Lndnmummy · 25/09/2015 20:02
Biscuit
HamaTime · 25/09/2015 20:32

I remember the Turning Tavern, and I remember a load of bellendery but i don't remember much (any?) claims that people were happily having affairs where nobody got hurt.

I wasn't wierded out by the turning tavern, but I was pissed off. It seemed to embody every negative stereotype that the bi community have been fighting against for years. Either 'it's totes fine that I cheat because I'm special' or 'It's totes fine to flirt with me because I'm a safe fuck'.

Rebecca2014 · 25/09/2015 20:37

Hmm well if you are in love with this woman then have you thought of leaving your husband for her?

Or maybe you should try sleeping with her once just to see if the attraction really is there. Maybe that help you make up your mind?

AnyFucker · 25/09/2015 20:38

"it's totes fine to cheat on your husband because you deserve to find yourself ..."

what utter bollocks

AnyFucker · 25/09/2015 20:39

^ there is some more of it

oldaninpurple · 25/09/2015 20:41

Ok
I don't remember your last thread and so I'm not clear on the background so this may be way off the mark but are you bisexual? Have you ever had sex/relationship with a woman? Does your husband know about your sexuality or is this something you have recently discovered - an attraction to women...or just this woman?

See... I've known a number of 'unhappy in their relationship' women who have romanticised the notion of having a relationship with a woman to the point their internal narrative takes over and they have to experience it at any/all costs; believing they will neve be happy unless they do. Even those who actually (did the decent thing) left their marriage, also left the bi/lesbian woman they 'experimented' with really quite horribly hurt when they discovered that their desire really ain't what they thought it was - faced with the reality of sex with someone of their own gender.

How many people are you willing to hurt in order to get what you want, which in my option you can't have - unless you agree an open marriage with your husband, but then that would take honesty and I don't think you are thinking clear enough for that.

This is not some third rate mills and boon book, this is your life, your children's lives, your husbands life and the object of your affection's life. Are you prepared for the damage you could cause? Can you handle the guilt? I know I couldn't

Haffdonga · 25/09/2015 20:51

Could the fact that still you're here asking and you haven't slept with her, you haven't left your husband and you're still asking if you should, suggest that actually deep down you know the answer yourself already?

You don't want to lose your marriage and family for a temporary infatuation, do you?

HamaTime · 25/09/2015 20:51

Or maybe you should try sleeping with her once

This woman is an actual human, not a science experiment. If it was a man the OP was fantasising about would you suggest she have a go on him, just to see. Lesbian and bisexual women don't deserve this shit.

AnyFucker · 25/09/2015 20:58

yep, because sex with someone of the same gender doesn't really count does it ? Hmm

Shutthatdoor · 25/09/2015 21:11

Or maybe you should try sleeping with her once just to see if the attraction really is there. Maybe that help you make up your mind?

Still cheating!

It isn't some sort of 'try before our jump' thing that gives the OP a free pass to do what she wants and sod everyone else.

Bogeyface · 25/09/2015 21:41

yep, because sex with someone of the same gender doesn't really count does it ?

Thats the problem isnt it? Some people really do think like that. I know a woman who found out that her husband had been having casual sex with men, he was arrested in a scenario not disimilar to George Michael, poor woman was devastated and humiliated. Yet, he couldnt get why she was ending the marriage because it wasnt as if he had had sex with another woman, it was experimentation with men therefore didnt count (according to him).

I think the OP is in that camp and was hoping that some others would come along and say what rebeccca said......

whooshbangprettycolours · 25/09/2015 21:55

Ah yes, just fine. Go for it! No one will mind, your husband might get nice and hard just thinking about it, and your kids?! Well they can have an extra mummy. Win. Win. Win.

Put your head back on. There is no easy answer, breaking promises is never nice.

WanderingTrolley1 · 25/09/2015 22:26

I cannot believe how incredibly selfish, yet naive you're being, OP.