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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Domestic violence please help

77 replies

Clarkey2345 · 24/09/2015 14:16

I am in a domestic abuse relationship and have been for 7 years it's got worse over the past month or so name calling threats etc accusing me of cheating and don't know what to do woman's aid has offered to help me with a refuge but he has stated if i left him and he couldn't find me he would hurt my family and i cannot risk that happening and don't know what else to do please help!!!!!!

OP posts:

coffeeisnectar · 24/09/2015 14:24

Please leave. Those threats are just that, threats to force you to stay. Just more emotional abuse.

Call women's aid back. Talk some more and take them up on their offer of a place.

Original poster

Clarkey2345 · 24/09/2015 15:56

Woman's aid have offered me refuge if they is space available but again as he has threatened my family then i cannot take that risk and leave because i would be very worried for my family it's difficult to know if they are just threats to keep me there or actually should i leave he would carry them out.

OP posts:

IsabelleEberhardt · 24/09/2015 16:13

Who do you mean by family? Your parents? Either way you need to speak with the police and tell them. If possible keep a record of dates of any violent or threatening behaviour.

I think these are just empty threats but do report them and do take a refuge space when it comes up.

Original poster

Clarkey2345 · 24/09/2015 16:43

My parents and also our children who are living with them at the moment, i will start to make a record of the threats etc and also may have a chat with the police just to ask there advice on his abusive behaviour also and i may take the refuge space when one becomes available.

OP posts:

IsabelleEberhardt · 24/09/2015 21:46

Àsk for your thread to be moved to relationships. I think you will get better advice there.

Original poster

Clarkey2345 · 24/09/2015 22:27

I don't know how to do that sorry

OP posts:

FartemisOwl · 24/09/2015 22:31

Just leave. Make the police aware of his threats, get an injunction to prevent him going near you or your family. Women's refuge will be able to help you do this.

IsabelleEberhardt · 24/09/2015 22:34

Report your op and say there you want it moved

Original poster

Clarkey2345 · 24/09/2015 22:48

Not sure if it's done right but reported and asked for it to be removed to the relationship part

OP posts:

NanaNina · 24/09/2015 23:02

Most abusive men make these kinds of threats, to prevent you leaving. It is as others say more abuse. These men are controlling and when the partner threatens to leave, I think they panic as they fear losing control and so make these threats.

What about the children. Why are they with your parents, and is he the father - what age are they? Sorry to ask so many Qs but just trying to get more of an idea of your situation. Can you not go and stay with your parents, rather than go to a Refuge. Not that there's anything wrong with a Refuge and WA can help with so many things besides accommodation.

What's the option - to stay with your abusive partner for ever in case he carries out his threats. It is actually a criminal offence to make threats of violence, which could cause alarm, distress or harassment. I hope you have reported his threats to the police. They won't be able to do anything as he hasn't carried out any threats yet, and probably never will.

Have you anyone in RL who can support you?

Original poster

Clarkey2345 · 25/09/2015 00:44

He was physically violent years ago to me so i know exactly what his temper can be like and that is why i am worried about the threats he's made not towards me but my family as well, I haven't reported any of his violence but have mentioned it to woman's aid and they said it is a domestic abuse relationship and they are there to help me.
Yes he is the father to my children but he doesn't bother with them but that's his choice he made, i wouldn't stay with my parents because of the threats of violence he's made towards them.

OP posts:

Adarajames · 25/09/2015 00:58

Talk to the police, they have specialist units to support those needing help due to dv, not the dinosaurs they used to be and can be very supportive and helpful. WA can also help you with talking to the police / legal avenues you can o down to keep him well away from you and your family. Many abusers are really just big cowards, they make threats to keep you in line, it is very rare they will follow through, and the police can help you ensure he doesn't get the chance to either.
You deserve to live in a calm happy environment, free from fear or abuse, it's hard to make that first step in getting away, but you can do it, there are people who will help you to, and you can have a happy and she future.
Be safe and warm thoughts to you

WellWhoKnew · 25/09/2015 01:42

First, please do take up WA's offer. Your family are no more or no less safe whether you stay where you are or whether you go to their refuge. Basically he has learnt a threat that works to coerce you. Thus, next time you 'refuse' whatever 'reasonable' request he makes...guess what ammunition he's got to ensure he gets his way.

I'm sorry to be blunt.

WA and their contacts, including the police, will help you and your family protect themselves - their advice is practical and they have access to funding to assist (if necessary) with any additional security measures in the home.

They will advise you/your family on how to live 'defensively'. Having the police pop in and out here and there to check on security and safety makes a world of difference. You are not wasting their time - this is their job - and a rewarding one for them.

The courts also will act promptly to contain him if necessary. Many women who get out of horrific relationships haven't necessarily been beaten (if at all) for years.

There's an entire organisation out there to wrap you up in cotton wool and put you back on your feet again. They are the experts at managing the situation you face.

Original poster

Clarkey2345 · 25/09/2015 08:33

Thanks adarajames i know there are lots of people who can help me beg out of this relationship but like you said it's hard taking that first step of leaving and because i have seen him be violent before that's what worries me because he has said in an argument before i will f**king strangle you, whether that is an empty threat just to stop me leaving i don't know but that's why i am scared to leave him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Clarkey2345 · 25/09/2015 08:35

Sorry I meant get me out of this relationship not 'beg' me out

OP posts:

MNHQ

DawnMumsnet · 25/09/2015 09:54

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic now. OP, we hope you get lots more good advice and support there.

Original poster

Clarkey2345 · 25/09/2015 10:15

How will i know where it is then as i am new to mumsnet

OP posts:

wallywobbles · 25/09/2015 10:23

It's there

MNHQ

DawnMumsnet · 25/09/2015 10:33

Hi Clarkey2345, and welcome to Mumsnet.

Here's a link to our Relationships topic - you'll find it within our Body and Soul section.

pocketsaviour · 25/09/2015 11:15

Have you told Women's Aid about his threats? If so, what did they suggest? Reporting to the police would be most effective.

So your DC live with your parents - is that due to them being removed due to abuse, or have you chosen to have them live there? Are your parents aware of the level of abuse you are experiencing, and the threats that he's made?

hellsbellsmelons · 25/09/2015 11:46

Call 101 and ask for the DV team.
Report this vile man to them and let them know about all the threats.
They should 'have a word' with him.
All abuser are just bullies. If the police have a word he will probably back off as he is a coward.
Can you go to your parents?
You need out and you need out now!
Get paperwork and important things out of the house and to safety.
Birth certificates, passports, account information, photo's.
Take Womens Aid up on their offer and get the police involved.
Don't listen to anymore of his lies and put downs.
Get out.

Original poster

Clarkey2345 · 25/09/2015 12:01

Hi pocketsaviour woman's aid know about his threats and they have told me to basically get out and woman's aid will help me get away from him by going into refuge, i choose for my children to live with them and no they don't know about the domestic abuse relationship i am in at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

Clarkey2345 · 25/09/2015 12:04

Hi hellsbellsmelon to be honest i don't want the police to have a word with him because that will only make him worse because i have gone to the police about him, i don't have any documents in the house so that's no problem.

OP posts:

IsabelleEberhardt · 25/09/2015 12:13

I think you should tell your parents how he is treating you. Would they have room for you to stay as well?

I really do think these are empty threats. Bullies like him tend to lack the courage to stand up to so many people at once. Have you thought about reporting it to the police?

JobobeanHo · 25/09/2015 12:15

Sorry I have just read your last post.

I really think you should go to the police once you have left the house. That way if he did attempt anything they'd know he'd made threats previously.

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